


Last Station

by justanartist



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-22 01:59:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 98,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1571885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanartist/pseuds/justanartist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(This is my first Klaine fic ever)<br/>Kurt wants to be an author, but his first book was a failure. He moved to a little dreamy town called Linoi, near his university, and starts to study literature. Each morning and evening he shares his favorite seat with Blaine, a guy who loves music more than anything unlike Kurt. From now on their life starts to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Prologue

"Damn", Kurt sighed as he read the letter from his literary editor. This wasn't a good day for him at all and the fact that he was going to visit his university for the first time didn't made it better. Even the hot summer day annoyed him. He sighed once more and put the letter back into his bag while he picked up his cellphone and wrote a message to Rachel.

"Fail."

"Oh no sweetie! :( You want to talk?"

"Later. Going to check out my university."

He was standing at the train station wearing tight dark pants, sunglasses and a white T-Shirt and a dark waistcoat. Nothing really special because he wasn't in the mood. Since morning he had this bad feeling something would happen. Something not to be happy about and then he read the letter. Whatever he thought to himself and walked to the exit, down the stairs and found the schedule he was looking for. Bus 159 so he had 10 minutes left. He went through the little hall, through the door and stood on the pavement looking for the bus station. But all he could see were people, cars and buildings. He mumbled something and sighed and was looking for some help because he only had 8 minutes left. He looked around and found a guy, sitting on a bench, next to the door to the little hall staring at his cellphone. He looked kind of creepy with his beard, curly hair (which was more a mess) and his clothes were kind of dirty or maybe just a mess too. Maybe he was homeless? A thief? Kurt didn't know why but he went to that guy and cleared his throat. He had no time to look for someone else.

"Excuse me?"

They guy looked up to him, eyes dark, tired and somehow he looked like he was lost.

"Yes?", the stranger said and for Kurts surprise his voice sounded different from his look. It sounded kind of nice.

"Uhm… I'm trying to find the bus station. Bus 159."

The guy looked past through Kurt and pointed his finger to the direction behind him.

"There. Right behind the pillar."

"Thanks.", Kurt just said with a small smile and went. He wasn't sure if the stranger was telling the truth. Maybe he was drunk because Kurt smelled some alcohol from that guy. But he found the bus station. That was all what matters.


	2. Chapter 2

It was 6 a.m. and Kurt was already awake and standing at the window. He was looking down at the street which was covered by yellow, orange, and red leaves. He has been living here in this little town called Linoi for a month, and he was hoping to find something that inspires him because this town was anything but ugly. This town was dreamy, kind of cute, and a good place to tell a story which anyone could compare to. But no, he didn't blame the city for it. He knew it was his fault that he couldn't write anything. They called it writer's block. Since his last failure he couldn't get off of it, and he hoped this city would change everything. Kurt sighed softly, put the cup of tea on the window ledge, and turned around as he heard a knock on his door.

"Yes?"

"It's just me," Rachel smiled at him and walked inside dressed in a black dress. She was looking around his room and sighed. Kurt's room was big (cocoa and white colored), but quite empty. A bed, a shelf filled with books, a dark carpet in the middle of the room, two armchairs, and a desk next to the window (covered by his notebook, paper, and other stuff.)

"Kurt, don't you want to clean up this mess?"

He looked down and saw the crumpled sheets, the pins, the chaos that he has been living in for a day. Even on the walls he had some notes filled with ideas he wanted to use, but never did because he had no idea how.

"I know you're going through hard times, but this isn't helpful at all."

"It'll be fine, Rachel."

She smiled a bit then sighed, "I have to go to work now. See you in the evening?"

"Yes, I'll be here at 7 p.m."

She left his room and closed the door behind her while Kurt was still staring at the chaos in his room. Basically, it was a mess. A huge mess. And the same mess he had inside of his head. This writer's block and the missing inspiration was almost the worst thing that could happen to him. He scratched his head, pressed his lips together, and looked at the clock. There still was some time left, but he couldn't clean up this mess. Not today.

He left his apartment and walked down the corridor, down the dark red stairs, and tied his scarf around his neck. A black coat was covering his body and the white shirt he was wearing. Usually he dressed himself more better. More attractive. But since he wasn't in the mood and had no motivation for anything he didn't really care as long as his clothes were clean and acceptible, but his hair made an expection. Otherwise, Rachel had been more worried about him then she already was.

Kurt shook his head and opened the front door. He walked down the stairs, went to the right, and walked along the sidewalk. He walked past the houses and buildings which stood close to each other. At the small coffee bar, he looked through the window and tried to smile a bit as the woman (her name was Dora) waved at him.

It was his first day at the university and he wasn't even nervous. No wonder becasue his frustration about his failure was still there since summer. But he hoped for a change. Kurt stuffed his hands inside the pocket of his coat and walked across the street, up the stairs to the station inside the concourse, and finally arrived at platform 1.

Everything in this city was like a fairy tale. Even the train station reminded him of the old movies he loved to watch. Each wall, window, each beautiful place place in this town had little stories to tell. He heared some of those stories as he and Rachel went to the city festival three weeks ago. But no story he heard inspired him. He sighed and he could hear the train in the distance. It was a steam train and he never saw a steam train before he moved to this town. This town seems to be frozen in time he realized everytime he saw the steam train.

He took a step back, waiting until the train stood still, and went inside looking for his favorite seat. Kurt sat down as he reached it and took his coat and scarf off. The seats were dark red and under each window was a little table with a lamp, but his table had a quote someone scratched into the wood. 'To be or not to be.' A quote by Shakespeare and Kurt wanted to be someone. He wanted to be an author so bad, but he couldn't forget and forgive his failure. Maybe it was a bit masochistic to sit here because each time he read the quote his head started to hurt.

It took an hour until he arrived at the town (called Haston) he would be studying for the next three years. It was the last station for the steam train because from here the trains Kurt used to know replaced the steam train. He walked along the platform, down the stairs, through the hall, and straight forward to the bus stop. His ears were filled with the noise of people, the cars, and it reminded him of his old life. He lived in a big city with his parents and he was used to this noise, but since he was living in this small town he preferred the silence. Even though his new life was such a mess and chaotic right now the silence made things bearable somehow. The bus came and Kurt went inside.

He arrived in the auditorium. Fortunately, he had been here and knew where to go and he became nervous. The seats were taken by many students. Competitors Kurt thought because some of them wanted to become authors, too. He knew there is no need to study literature to become an author, but he chose to study because he couldn't sit at home and do nothing at all.

He walked down slowly to the penultimate row and took a seat feeling that some eyes were on his back. Don't look, Kurt Hummel, just sit here and wait he reminded himself.

Maybe he had worn different clothes those he used to wear and look good in. His tight pants, his fancy shirts and footwear. He sighed and knew he couldn't change it right now. At least his hair looked good.

He had heard the voices behind him. Their laughs. He pressed his lips together. Actually, it was not a big deal for him to talk to others, but he wasn't in the mood. And frankly, he wasn't good company for anyone. It wasn't some minutes until the professor came in, and to Kurt's surprise he looked very good. Dark maintained hair, blue eyes, a well formed body, and a charming smile. His eyes were wandering to the students as he walked to his desk. Kurt couldn't take his eyes from this man. After all, Kurt was gay so it was a common thing to recognize a good looking man, but nothing more.

"Good morning everyone," he said and even his voice sounded as good as he looked. "My name is Cooper Anderson and I'll be your teacher in literature for the next three years."

"How was your first day?," Rachel asked while Kurt sat down on a bench and drank his coffee.

"My professor is probably the most hottest professor at the university," he said with no real enthusiasm.

"Whaaaat? Love at first sight?

"Rachel, " Kurt grumbled.

"I'm kidding. But maybe it'll inspire you?"

"We'll see."

"How are the other students there?"

"Motivated."

"Kurt, you need to get into it , too!"

He didn't really want to spend his time with other people who had so many ideas and motivation. First, he didn't want to steal any ideas from anyone and more than that he wasn't in the mood. Not today.

"How's work?"

"Huh?"

There was a silence for some seconds. Usually Kurt didn't ask about Rachel's work. Rachel was a singer and on a good way to becoming famous soon and Kurt kind of hated music. He was nothing against music, but he just couldn't hear it.

"Fine. Uhm... Kurt is everything alright?"

"Yeah... somehow. See you later."

The day passed slowly and Kurt was relieved when he finally came back to the station and the steam train was already waitng. He just wanted one thing. He wanted to be back home and lie down in his bed. The lectures he had were all interesting, but none of them released the feeling Kurt needed. That one special feeling he needed to write something. Not even the talk about Shakespeare or Poe helped him. Nothing and it frusterated him even more. The steam train was already there and Kurt went inside and took off his coat as he went to his favorite seat. He has traveled so many times with this train and wondered why no one was sitting there even once. But he didn't want to complain and guessed he just had luck for once. As he reached the seat he stood still and stared at the seat across from his. It was taken by a young man, eyes closed, headphones on his ears, and he moved his head a bit to the music he was listening to. Great, Kurt thought and pursed his lips. However, he took off his bag and coat and sat down. His eyes were focused on his bag and he pulled a book out. Fortunately, the music was quiet enough so it wouldn't disturb him. The train started to move and more and more Kurt fell into the story he was reading until he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. The guy started to move. He was moving to the music. More then that he was moving his head to the music. What the... Kurt released his blue eyes from the book and actually looked at the stranger for the first time.

His hair was dark, smooth, and styled with hair gel. He was wearing a dark red cardigan, a white shirt, around the collar was a dark red bowtie, and black jeans covered his legs. But Kurt's attention was focused on the other's face. He was cute, his face was so pretty when he didn't make those weird faces to the music. His eyes were still closed and then he started to move his hands to the music, too. It bothered Kurt so much that he just grumbled, sat up straight, and picked up the book so that he couldn't see the guy in front of him.

"Next stop, Linoi." He heard the announcement and put the book back into his bag. Relieved, he took his things and payed no attention to the guy as he walked out. When he was outside he put his coat on and tied his scarf around his neck as he walked down the hall.

"Those music freaks are driving me nuts." He muttered as he walked into his apartment and took his coat and shoes off.

"I wish you a nice evening too, Kurt." He heard Rachel speaking as she came out of the kitchen into the small corridor.

"Sorry." He apologized and walked pasted her into the kitchen.

"What happened?" She asked and followed him.

"Just a random guy sitting with me in the train and expressing his love for music. He made some weird faces and sang along soundless just moving his lips and hands the whole way back home. " Kurt sat down on a chair and Rachel put two plates on the table.

"Was he cute at least?" She asked and placed a bowl salad on the table. Kurt gave her an evil eye and Rachel grinned.

"I know. I know."

It didn't take that long as they sat together in the white kitchen and silently ate their dinner as Rachel raised her voice.

"You said your teacher was hot?"

Kurt chewed and swallowed before he nodded slowly, "Yes. I'm not sure how old he is, but he looks very handsome. But whatever I'm not at college to think about this stuff. I'm there for my studies, for literature, and more importantly to have success with my next book."

"God, Kurt. I know it takes you down because your first book was a failure, but you should simply forget it. You can't change it, can you? "

Kurt just stared at her.

"Don't look at me like that. I shouldn't have to tell you this because you know it for yourself."

He just nodded and wasn't angry at all. Rachel was right.

The next morning when Kurt went back to the station he didn't feel any better at all. He felt even worse because of the dream he had last night. He dreamed about Cooper Anderson and this dream was more than embarrassing for him. But he also dreamed about this other guy whom he had met on the train. Even in his dreams he made those funny facial expressions and danced. The worst part was the loud music he had to listen to. Kurt sighed and rubbed his forehead then shook his head because he wanted to forget this strange dream. He walked his usual route across the street, up the stairs, past the autumnal trees, and through the old concourse. The steam train came at the right moment and after a few seconds Kurt was already inside the wagon and went to his favorite place.

"What..." He couldn't believe his own eyes. The same guy from yesterday was sitting there. Again. Kurt knew such a pretty face he could never forget. Especially not the facial expressions this guy made. Whatever. This time the stranger seemed to be asleep and Kurt was more than thankful for not to be distracted. Again, the dream he had last night crossed his head. A dancing, grinning guy who gave his whole body to the music. Something Kurt couldn't understand.

He sighed and opened his bag to pull out his book until he realized it wasn't there. Great. Dissatisfied, he leaned back and stared out of the window. He hoped that the guy would sleep the whole way to Haston (the town he was studying at).

"Kurt Hummel, right?"

Kurt turned around before he could open the door to the lecture hall. He was glad that the guy had slept through the whole way to Haston and just woke up when Kurt went out the door.

"Yes." He nodded as Cooper Anderson stood right before him showing his charming smile and being well dressed as ever.

"Hi." He said cheerfully and held out his hand.

"Hello." Kurt took his hand and smiled a bit.

"I've wanted to talk to you since yesterday."

"Oh, have I done something wrong?"

Mr. Anderson looked questionable at him as he took his hand back and then laughed.

"Oh no! I've just seen that you're one of my students and I know that you've already wrote a book. Unexpected Silence was the name, am I right?"

Kurt smiled embarrassed and at the same time he got that feeling back that he failed, but he nodded and was surprised that Mr. Anderson knew about his book.

"Yes it is. But it didn't become a success at all." He didn't want to lie.

"Well, this happens to be the best authors, but it is admirable that someone like you in your age has come so far already. I mean, you're nineteen, right?"

"Yes."

"And I'm pretty sure by studying literature you will certainly become an even better author and your next book will be a success."

"Thank you." Kurt smiled honestly. Mr. Anderson's enthusiasm was something he couldn't take, but at the same time he needed it.

"What would you say if we talk about it after the lesson? I think I can give you some advise."

"You've read it?" Kurt asked in disbelief while Mr. Anderson nodded.

"Sure. Gladly."

After lessons Kurt sat together with Mr. Anderson on a bench outside in the botanical garden which wasa part of the campus. Since his first visit he thought that the botanical garden was the most beautiful place on campus. Many trees standing close to each other, brown benches, flowers and grassland which was perfect to lay down on and rest during the summer. But it was autumn so everything was covered by warm colored leaves and some were still left on the trees.

Both held a cup of coffee on their hands and Kurt felt uncomfortable. He noticed that Mr. Anderson was very popular. He heard the students talking about him and how awesome he was especially the girls were fangirling over him. They described him as a nice, good looking, motivated, and sometimes a little too emotional person. That's why he felt uncomfortable. He didn't want any rumors like Mr. Anderson preferred him and gives him every piece of advise he needs. Or even worse, someone could find out he wrote a book and it was no success. Of course, he wanted to be a famous writer, but he didn't want to admit that his first book wasn't that good. Not yet.

"Do you do this very often? I mean, speaking with students and helping them with their work?"

Mr. Anderson raised both eyebrows and smiled. His blue eyes sparkled a bit.

"I help where I can. Therefore, I became a teacher."

Kurt just nodded and said nothing. He still felt uncomfortable.

"Don't tell me you're worried about what others will say."

"Actually, I don't really care, but I don't want to spemd the next three years being judged for who I am and what I do. I've been through this."

Mr. Anderson smiled and nodded and then he took a sip of his coffee.

"First of all, you're using a pseudonym. As long as you stay quiet no one will know it is actually your book. I know it because I know many people from publishing houses and sometimes I spend some time there."

Kurt nodded slowly and he wasn't really angry about the fact that Mr. Anderson knew it. As long as the whole world didn't know it he didn't care.

"Your idea is really good and something the world needs. There aren't many books about a gay boy who finds himself."

"But?" He asked looking at him expectantly.

"It's lifeless."

Kurt froze and after some seconds he took his lips from the cup. His heart began to beat faster and he actually expected himself to become angry. But he wasn't. He was rather surprised about this honest answer, but it still hurt.

"I won't lie to you because it wouldn't help you at all."

"It's okay. I'm not angry." He smiled weakly.

Mr. Anderson nodded and took a deep breath as he kept on speaking, "The story is really good, really, but there are no emotions. Feelings. Life. It's written like an article for a newspaper and we have enough of that stuff in the world"

Kurt bit his lower lip. He knew it, but it didn't mean he understood it. He actually wanted to write all of the frusteration down. Down from his soul and expected it would be a big success. Because each word he wrote down was filled with honesty.

"This boy has lost his mother. He had to admit who he is and went through many sad moments in his life. But the way you are telling the story is cold and if I think about a color to describe it I would say gray."

Kurt nodded again, "I understand. So, do you have any advise for me?"

Mr. Anderson gave him a wide smile and for a tiny moment Kurt wished he could smile the same way again. He wasn't a sad guy at all or someone who was pessimistic. Before his failure.

"First of all, you should get out of this dark place in your head. Go out with some people, celebrate, talk to people. Inspire yourself with good things."

Kurt wanted to sigh but he didn't. He even wanted to look annoyed but he didn't. Rachel told him almost the same thing everyday. And yes, he knew it but wasn't ready yet.

"Learn to deal with it, Kurt. Believe in yourself and try it again. I know it must be hard for you, but now you should work on yourself and your mental state. Then you'll be able to write anything you want to. I can see it in your eyes. The frustration, how unsure you are, but you're not the first and not the last one who has to go through this."

He wanted to disappear. To sink into the ground. That ment everyone could see how he felt like? Really? He took another sip from his coffee hoping he would get off of these thoughts.

"My roommate says the same thing."

"Then you should listen, " Mr. Anderson grinned, "Listen, try to get rid of this frustration. Then, if you think you are ready to write something new or you need any help just ask me. I'll try and I'll read your work if you want me to. Or do you want to write this story again?"

"I'm still unsure. I have so many ideas but... you know they call it writer's block. That's what I have."

"Oh! An evil disease!" Mr. Anderson laughed and Kurt smiled.

"Give it a try."

Mr. Anderson stood up and took his bag in one hand and threw the cup into the trash can and closed the buttons on his coat.

"I have class now. I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yes. Thank you Mr. Anderson." Kurt stood up and shook his hand.

As he went inside the train backto his favorite seat he could hardly believe what he saw. The guy was sitting there, the same guy, and Kurt didn't know if it was just a coincidence or if he was a stalker or something. Life probably had nothing good for him in store.

Again, the stranger had his headphones on and moved slightly to the music he was listening to. He even moved his lips to the lyrics without making any noise. He grinned, eyes closed, and Kurt was pissed.

"Red solo cup, I'll fill you up. Let's have a party!" The guy whispered to himself and Kurt was totally pissed. He looked at him incredulous. He wanted to sing? No... no way! He didn't know if he should just talk to that guy so he would recognize he wasn't alone here or if Kurt should just try to ignore him like he did before. But that wasn't easy anymore. He could decide what he should do because the guy opened his eyes for the first time and Kurt froze in his movement when he caught his gaze. The stranger did the same. He stared into those honey colored eyes he had never seen before. Kurt forgot where he was and what he wanted to do for a few seconds. Those eyes were mixed with slightly green and they were big and reminded Kurt of a puppy. He recognized this was a good looking guy, but seeing those eyes made him look even better.

He breathed in deeply and didn't notice he had held his breath at all. He pressed his lips together and took a newspaper out of his bag trying to ignore the other guy who became quiet. There was something strange inside of him. He felt something he hadn't felt in a long time. Warmth. Kurt hoped this heat wouldn't appear on his cheeks. So, he stayed silent like the other guy did.


	3. Chapter 3

The next two weeks pasted by slowly. The lectures were okay except the lesson about analyzing a text. The professor who taught this course was one of those people Kurt didn't want around. He loved to analyze lyrics and he wanted his students to listen to music and analyze the lyrics because it might be the best inspiration for an author. Kurt deselected that course because he wasn't ready for that. He knew he couldn't avoid music everywhere, but if he had the possibility he wanted to use it. And Rachel was a singer and it had been stupid and selfish if he wanted her to stop her practicing. Usually he left the apartment when she sang.

During the week Mr. Anderson told Kurt that if he needs any help he should ask him. Mr. Anderson also tried to motivate Kurt. He said he was grateful, but he wasn't ready for that yet. One good thing that happened was that Kurt made some friends. He talked with the other students in his course and they invited him to a party for all of the new literature students. He didn't know if he should go there or not, but part of him wanted to and that was kind of odd for him.

All in all the university was okay. The only thing which was really awkward was the trip back home. Every morning and evening he met this guy with those honey/green eyes and shared his favorite seat with him. At least he didn't sit next to Kurt just right in front of him but that was wasn't any better. The morning trip was bearable because the other guy slept all the way to Haston. But in the evening it was just totally awkward. They sat there for an hour and no one said a word. Kurt tried to ignore the other guy, but he couldn't resist to look at him for some seconds. He was so pretty with those puppy eyes. His hair gelled and his skin was tan, beautiful and even his body made Kurt speechless. But he wasn't gay and he loved music so Kurt didn't want to talk with that guy and possibly get some feelings for him. Well, Kurt didn't know if it was true because he never shared a word with him but he never wanted to believe in this.

"Weekend, finally." Kurt sighed and took off his boots. "I'm back!" But he got no answer and lifted up his eyebrows as he went through the apartment. "Rachel?!" Again, no answer and he went back to the kitchen where he found a note.

I'll be back on Sunday.

Got invited to an audition.

Wish me luck! xoxo

He smiled and put the note back on the table. It made him really happy that Rachel may be a famous singer soon. But at the same time he was jealous too. He didn't feel right in his own skin and this feeling he hadn't felt for a very long time. The last time he felt like this was when he was coming out. He wasn't ashamed of who he was, never, but there were a bunch of idiots who made his life a living hell. Luckily Kurt had enough friends by his side who helped him and never let him down, but he was relieved when he finished high school. He was overly excited when his book came out. He thought everything would be fine again. That everything would just be how Kurt imagined it in his dreams. But that didn't happen.

He went back to the corridor, put on his shoes, took his coat and went outside. he didn't know where he should go but he didn't want to sit in his room and start to think about everything. It was already dark outside and the streetlights fell on the windows and the street and made this town even more dreamy and magical. His blue eyes looked up to the lights while small clouds left his mouth. Kurt didn't get it. He lived in a town, a dreamy wonderful town filled with stories but nothing inspired him. Absolutely nothing. He sighed and kept going to the park and put his hands into the pockets of his coat. He watched the leaves flying over the ground and heared a childish laugh. He looked up and saw a little girl with long brown hair leaned to the ground taking some leaves just to throw them over her head. Her mother was right next to her and they both started to laugh. Her laugh was honest, clear and his heart started to hurt. When was the last time he laughed like that?

During the weekend he spent his time in his bed or went outside and was looking for something to inspire him. But Kurt had no hopes or expectations because nothing changed. The only thing that changed were his dreams and they made him feel uncomfortable somehow. It wasn't Mr. Anderson he dreamed of. Those honey/green eyes and loud music appeared in his dreams. He gave up avoiding music because he knew it was ridiculous to avoid it anywhere even in his dreams. As long as he was alone it should be quiet.

Monday came and Kurt was more than thankful for that. He went on the train and everything was usual. The dark haired guy sat on his seat while Kurt took his place and looked at the guy again. He was dressed in dark jeans, a gray cardigan and under that he saw a dark shirt. Even his hair was perfectly coiffed by gel. This guy couldn't be straight, Kurt thought for a second. Every straight man he knew didn't care that much like this guy. Maybe he was an exception. His eyes went down to the book the other guy was holding in his hands and Kurt almost fell out of his seat.

It was his book.

His book 'Unexpected Silence'. Without noticing he took off his coat and his scarf. He was happy about the good looking shirt we wore this time.

His pulse became faster, his elbow rested on the armrest and his finger tapped over his lower lip. He saw that the other guy had already read half of the book and the coming out happened some pages ago. Kurt was curious because why should a straight guy read a book about a gay guy and his troubles? Most straight guys didn't like gay guys at least this was his experience. Sure there were many guys who didn't mind it, but Kurt knew it wasn't easy for all of them. And now he was confused about this guy who bit his lower lip and closed the book. He looked up right into Kurt's eyes and Kurt stared back. That was awkward. Really awkward.

"I... I've heard this book isn't good?" Kurt started to talk because it was just too awkward right now and it became ridiculous. They shared this spot for more then two weeks now and never said a word to each other. And what if he would share this spot with this guy for the next 3 years? Whatever he talked to him. Finally.

"You've read it?"

Kurt nodded and eyeballed the other one again. His headphones were quiet and around his neck. Good.

"Cool! I'm Blaine." He put forth his hand.

"Kurt."

"I've wondered if it would be like this forever."

Kurt took his hand, lifted up an eyebrow and took his hand back looking at Blaine questionably.

"Almost every morning and evening we've shared this spot for two weeks? Without a word?"

"You could of talked to me."

Kurt leaned back into his seat.

"And you not?"

"No. I don't really come along with people who love music as much as you do."

Blaine raised his eyebrows and Kurt saw that he didn't believe him. Blaine leaned back and laughed quietly.

"You're trying to convince me that you don't like music? That's crazy."

Maybe. Kurt just shrugged his shoulders and looked at the book next to Blaine.

"What do you think about this book?"

Blaine looked at the book and took it back into his hands.

"Well, it's kind of lifeless. Very lifeless. If I had to describe it with a color it would be gray."

Kurt looked at him without saving anything. Mr. Anderson said the same things like Blaine did and they were probably both right.

"I don't know what the author was thinking when he wrote this book. Maybe it is his way of writing or he had a bad time while he wrote this." Blaine put the book back into his back into his bag.

Kurt nodded and remembered the time when he wrote his book. He worked on it like crazy and wanted to finish it as soon as possible. He wanted to publish it and he also just wanted to write all of his frustration down. All the frustration that came back suddenly and hurt his soul.

"What do you think? You've read it too, right?" Blaine moved his eyes to Kurt.

"I agree with you."

"I mean this is a story about a boy who lost his mother and has to struggle with that. And then he finds out that he is gay. His coming out should have been treated more sensibly and not like it's a bad joke or something. Like it isn't a big deal. Especially when no one accepted him for who he was."

"Sounds like you have your own experience?"

Kurt didn't want to ask this and he regretted his words. It wasn't his business. Totally. Those questions were not allowed to be asked. It was impolite and private and mainly Kurt should know that.

But Blaine laughed and shook his head.

"No I haven't."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. I just like stories about people with courage. Even if it isn't a bestseller.

"See you in the evening?" Blaine asked as they went through the hall and he put his leather jacket on.

"Sure. See you soon, Blaine." Kurt waved to Blaine as he went and so did Kurt. The bus arrived and he went inside and found a place to sit. Usually there were more students but not today. He and Blaine didn't talk that much while they were on their way. Kurt knew Blaine liked music a lot and he didn't want to talk about it or even hear it. Usually he avoided guys like Blaine but those honey/green eyes didn't make it easy for him. He felt strange and he knew this feeling and Kurt did everything to keep it where it was right now. Blaine looked gorgeous and handsome. His voice was kind of dark and one Kurt could listen to all day long. He wasn't in love, it was no crush he had on Blaine, he was just curious. Mainly because Blaine read his book and Kurt had never met someone who did that.

During the day he couldn't stop asking himself who Blaine really was. Blaine kept on pretending that he just liked the story about people with courage, but Kurt had to be honest. No straight guy as far as he knew would read such a story. Only those guys with an open mind would. Maybe Blaine was one of those guys. Kurt sighed as he wrote something down while the teacher kept on talking. He knew Blaine was someone who loved to smile, someone who was anything but lifeless. Only by the memory of Blaine's face Kurt already had a stomach ache. He wanted to smile too, and he knew that he wasn't ready for this right now. Not yet. But maybe he was totally wrong about Blaine and just saw some things that actually weren't in there. And somewhere deep inside his thoughts he asked himself if Blaine was gay. But as soon as the thougt crossed his mind he remembered Blaine's words about that he had never had such an experience about "coming out" because he never had to choose if he should come out or not because he was straight. And he liked girls.

Kurt grumbled and wanted to banish these thoughts out of his head. Blaine loved music, maybe he was even a member of a band or studied music and that's why (even if Blaine were gay) Kurt shouldn't get close to him.

"Hello." Blaine looked up from his cellphone and showed a bright smile as he saw Kurt.

"Hi." Kurt replied and looked away. This smile thing was not fair. Kurt became jealous everytime he saw it. He wanted to smile just like Blaine did. The same way. Sometimes it was as if Kurt had forgotten how to smile, honestly. He sat down and Blaine looked back at the display of his cellphone.

"I'm doing some research about the author of 'Unexpected Silence', but no one ever got in contact with Damien Talon. Even Google has no information."

"He had no success so it is no wonder." Kurt said and was happy about the fact that he used a pseudonym and not his real name. He also had a website, but this was not a good place because no one wrote him a message (probably because no one read his book yet or just had nothing to say about it.)

Blaine nodded, bit his lower lip and put his cellphone back into the pocket of his jeans.

"Too bad. I just finished it today and wanted to find something out about the author."

"Today?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty fast at reading books." Blaine grinned.

"You can tell me about it. If you want to." Kurt felt uneasy. He knew he had a bunch of e-mails waiting for him, but he was too scared to read them. He leaned back and tried to calm down.

"Sure, why not? I mean we can not talk about music even if I would love to do that."

Kurt glared at Blaine and Blaine grinned as he said, "Well, you've read it too so why not? I would like to hear what you think about it."

I wrote this book. Each line. Kurt thought.

"So go on then." Blaine nodded and Kurt starred at him for a while. Since his failure he never really talked about his book. Mr. Anderson was an exception because he gave him good advice (and because he knew what he was talking about). So Kurt felt uneasy again to talk about it because this story has important parts that were his life. And talking about it with someone like Blaine who just loved those kinds of stories maybe-maybe it could help Kurt.

"I think the author should have been waiting. Like you said, it's lifeless, gray. Maybe he was frustrated and wanted to write all of his pain down. Everything he couldn't handle inside on his own."

"So you think this story is a personal story by the author?" Blaine looked at him intensively like he tried to get inside of Kurt's thoughts.

"It felt like that, but no. I guess he didn't want to sell his private life."

Kurt became nervous. He knew the story better then anybody did. He knew the beginning, the plot, everything. He knew what was true and what wasn't. He knew everything. But more then that Kurt knew this was a good story. A story everyone should read and think about what people are actually doing if they hurt someone for who they were. But the way he wrote it, the way he told the story was a bad way. A lifeless and gray way. It was all his fault because he wrote everything without his heart.

„That would've been crazy for the first book."

Kurt nodded again and stayed silent for a while.

"What do you think, Blaine?"

Blaine smiled and folded his hands.

"It might be written kind of lifeless, yeah. But the main character hits me."

Kurt felt the heat crawling up into his cheeks and he knew it was stupid. Blaine wasn't talking about him but the main character. Blaine was talking about a person Kurt once was.

"And what exactly does that mean?"

Blaine shrugged his shoulders and looked up thoughtfully.

"I guess everything. Mainly because he didn't let himself down. He kept on going, his head was held high and he handled everything life was giving him. Not all people have this ability, the strength and the courage. I wish the author would write this story again but with more colors and emotions."

"You like him a lot, huh?" He hated himself for this. It would have been better if Kurt kept his mouth shut but he couldn't. It felt good to hear this. And Blaine didn't know that was his book, that he was kind of the main character. So nothing could happen.

"I'm not gay if you think that. I just think the character is an amazing human being."

As Kurt arrived in Linoi and said goodbye to Blaine, he kept on thinking about Blaine's words as he went on his way back home. Courage was something Kurt always had, but it never felt like a special skill or something. It was more like a burden because it meant that you have to keep your head held high no matter what happens. He did this for years, but Kurt was tired and wondered where his courage had gone. He wondered where he was gone. When did he lose himself? He stopped walking as he reached the street and looked over at a café. He wanted coffee. He wanted to take a walk. He wanted to clear his head because Blaine's words were still there. Words that were not meant for him but for a fictional character.

As he had his coffee he went to the park and took a seat on an old wooden bench. He needed to talk to his dad. He needed to hear his voice because it always gave him this feeling that he was saved and it calmed him down. That he matters no matter what. Kurt pulled out his cellphone and dialed his dad's number.

"Hi, Dad." Kurt said as his dad picked up the phone.

"Kurt? Hi! How are you?"

Kurt could hear his smile.

"I don't want to complain."

"Still down, huh?"

His dad knew him better then anyone.

"Stop thinking about it. You had bad luck."

Kurt was right. It felt so good to hear his dad's voice and, yeah, maybe it was just bad luck. Maybe it wasn't the right moment. Kurt hoped that.

"How are you? I hope you took care of yourself and didn't fall back into your old habits."

"No. Everything is fine. Carole has an eye on me like you did." Burt laughed and Kurt did too even if it wasn't as honest as his dad's. Since his dad had his heart attack Kurt felt lost. He was afraid of losing his dad. Afraid of losing everything that was left. Probably because of this everything from his past came back and he felt like this little boy who had just lost his mother. Since that day all of the pain started to come back and Kurt found his way out with writing his first book.

"Good."

"How's Rachel doing and how is the university?"

"Rachel's doing great and the university is okay."

Kurt took a sip of his coffee while a couple pasted by. He saw the brown haired girl's arm around the arm of her boyfriend, smiling and he smiled too. Kurt saw so much joy within seconds. So much trust that it was kind of absurd to see this within seconds. Maybe he was just tired.

"Kurt?"

"Yes?" He heard his dad again as the couple went away.

"Are you really okay?"

Kurt knew that he couldn't lie to his dad because they always wanted to be honest with each other.

"I just miss her and this writer's block drives me nuts."

Burt sighed.

"Don't let your head down, kiddo. Where are you now?"

"At the park drinking some coffee."

"Alone?"

"Yes."

"Kurt... just go somewhere where people are and... I don't know but don't spend so much time alone and get lost in your thoughts."

"You're right."

He knew his dad was right. Absolutely right.

"Promise?"

„Yeah. I'll go out next weekend. I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

"For real?" Rachel asked in disbelief and jumped up from her chair.

"For real." Kurt just said.

Rachel smiled wide and clapped her hands as she went out of the kitchen into the bathroom.

"Where do you want to go? I've heard there is a nice karaoke bar in Haston."

Kurt wanted to say no immediatly but he kept silent. His dad said he should go out and Kurt knew no matter where he would go there would always be music, because music was powerful and lured people and had a magical effect on them. It even had an effect on Kurt a couple months ago. He rubbed the back of his head and followed Rachel while he watched her comb her hair.

"I don't mind." He said although he did mind.

"Oh Kurt, I'm so happy for you! How come you've changed your mind?"

He leaned against the door frame and his eyes looked at the ground while his arms were wrapped around his body. He hadn't told Rachel about Blaine yet. First, he knew Rachel. Second, Blaine wasn't gay and Kurt didn't want to involve him into his life that much. Sure, his company was something Kurt had missed for a very long time, but at the same time it was something that was hard to handle. And the fact that Blaine was kind of his type made everything even worse.

"You've met someone didn't you?" Rachel smirked and Kurt sighed. He knew it. Rachel was his best friend and they lived together and they knew each other for more then 3 years. She knew something had happened just by looking at him, but he also knew he couldn't do whatever she wanted him to.

"He isn't gay and he is kind of a music freak."

"How did you meet him?"

"We take the same train to Haston and share a seat and... he read my book."

Rachel put down her eyeliner as she was just about to use it and looked at Kurt questionably. He thought about how to explain the fact about why he was so curious about Blaine. But he didn't want to tell her that Blaine liked the main character. That he was fascinated by the main character. The character that was kind of Kurt.

"Well at least you have found someone to talk to talk about your book. Someone with an objective view. What did he say?"

"The same thing my teacher said. Lifeless and gray. And... I know this is crazy... but he said... kind of... he is fascinated by the main character." Kurt couldn't find the words, but Rachel knew what he wanted to say. He saw it in her eyes. The little sparkle which always showed up when she understood something.

"If he isn't gay then be careful, Kurt. I don't want you to come home crying into your pillow."

She smiled and Kurt did too. He was so happy to have her.

"That won't happen. If we ever become something more then friends, but I doubt it because I can't share his passion for music."

She started to put on her makeup.

"You know what's best for you, and I'll be there if you need me."

"So you're saying you'll stop by and mother me?"

"In your dreams maybe."

They laughed for a couple seconds.

"You know, I really want to go to a gay bar."

Rachel did what she was doing, but Kurt could see the wonder on her face.

"Sure. If it help you why not. It's always a lot of fun there."

Kurt sighed and he wasn't sure if this was a good idea, but he promised to go out and the last time he went to a gay bar was when he was 18 years old. Now he is almost 20. But a gay bar is better then a karaoke bar. More then that, he wanted to get this Blaine guy out of his head before it became even worse.

Fortunately, Rachel had a car and Kurt would drive them to the bar and back whenever he wanted to. They drove to Haston and after 40 minutes they arrived at the party side of the town. Kurt parked next to the pavement between two other cars and turned his car off. They got out of it, closed the car doors and crossed the street. It was cold and the ground was watery. The high buildings stood close to each other and one club after the other shined with his name. Kurt didn't pay much attention to the other bars and clubs. He just looked to the purple lite up sign 'Bovers'. Jim Bover was the owner and Kurt met him when he went to Haston for the first time. He went there after he visited his university and he did this everyday until the university actually started.

"You should wear these clothes more often, Kurt. Like you always did."

Rachel opened the purple door before Kurt could say anything. Immediately Kurt could hear the music, voices, laughs and for just one second he wanted to turn away and get back into the car. But he said nothing and followed her into the first room. There was a cloak room and they both left their coats there. The next room was the main room. Everything was touched by a smooth purple light. On the left side and along the walls of the room were dark brown tables and chairs. In the middle of all of this was the dance floor and Kurt looked the dancing people for a second. Rachel moved on and he followed her looking at the pictures of half naked men on the wall and a huge rainbow flag. He sat down next to Rachel. Behind him was a wall and he looked at Rachel. She smiled like a little child on Christmas.

"This is the Kurt Hummel I know."

He looked down at his clothes. He was wearing dark tight jeans which felt really strange because it had been a while. His boots were dark, his shirt gray and over his shirt he wore a dark vest. His hair was perfectly styled.

He just smiled at Rachel and they both ordered a cocktail as the server appeared. Kurt ordered one without alcohol. His eyes moved back to Rachel who still smiled at him.

"Stop that."

"What? I'm just happy that you've become so calm finally."

He felt calm, easy and he just smiled as the server came back after a few minutes. Rachel told him about her work, the chances she had gotten since her last gig and that (probably) she'll be able to record her first CD. And Kurt smiled, honestly. Sure, he felt a bit jealous about her up coming success, but she is his friend and he wanted to be happy for her. After all, she worked so hard for all of this.

After two hours and three cocktails Rachel was dancing with some random guys which Kurt observed a while ago. He observed a lot of guys and they were all pretty and attractive, but none of them could catch his attention. He rubbed his forehead and the load music was a pain for his head. His blue/green eyes kept on moving but no one really caught his attention. And he knew why, but he won't admit it. Even not in his thoughts.

"Kuuuurt!" Rachel shouted and waved and then she laughed like crazy. Yes, she was drunk. Totally drunk. Kurt knew it when she laughed like an insane person. Her laugh became creepy and load but he smiled..

That was Rachel Berry.

"Your friend has a lot of fun."

Kurt looked up and saw a guy with glasses, green eyes and brown to the ear long hair. He wore a white shirt and dark jeans. Very simple but it looked good.

"Yeah."

"Good for me. I've wanted to talk to you since you came here."

Kurt stared at him for a few seconds unsure what he was thinking. Or what he should think about it.

"Is that so?"

"I'm Andrew."

Andrew took the chair and sat down right in front of Kurt and shook Kurt's hand.

"Kurt." He just said.

"I'm here very often, but I never see you because I wouldn't forget someone like you."

Kurt tried not to role his eyes, tried to ignore that this guy wanted to flirt with him. He tried, right? God, he didn't know because it has been a while since like this happened.

"It's the first time I'm here at night."

"So you don't like to celebrate?"

"No, I like it but not every weekend."

Andrew smirked and took a sip from the beer he held in his hand. His eyes moved to the dance floor and then he leaned to Kurt pointing to a guy with his finger.

"Do you see the guy with the white tie? He is here like every weekend with his boyfriend and having fun. They won't be together forever because they spend too much time together."

"You think so?" Kurt became tired of this guy. He was annoying somehow.

"I know it." Andrew looked at his eyes for far too long. Kurt had no good feeling while he looked into these green eyes.

Something was strange.

"Even I need some space for me and unfortunately my boyfriend doesn't like bars. So I come here and have some fun."

Kurt stared at Andrew with disbelief. Did he her him right? Did he actually hear him saying this? Andrew had a boyfriend, but wanted to have some fun with other guys? Kurt shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"What?" Andrew made a small laugh, "It's not like I'm cheating on my boyfriend."

"I don't know what you do when you say you want to have fun, but yeah, it sounds like cheating for me." Kurt wanted to go. He wanted to go and drive back home before he would say anything he would regret later.

"Dancing with other guys, flirting and being close is not cheating. I do love my boyfriend and he is a very special guy, but you know sometimes you need the proof for yourself about 'Am I still attractive?' or 'Did I really find the love of my life?' "

Kurt glared at him and swallowed his anger down. This was a bad joke, right?

"And yeah it's fun. It's kind of addicting. But as long as I don't have sex with anyone it isn't a big deal."

Kurt said nothing. He just looked over at Rachel who was coming back.

"So what do you think? You want to have some fun?"

"No, I don't want to ruin a relationship."

His voice was shaking because of anger. This guy was insane. An idiot and an asshole. Kurt hoped that he would lose his boyfriend because this Andrew guy doesn't deserve a boyfriend who probably loved him and trusted him. Kurt stood up as Rachel was close enough and grabbed her hand.

"Kurt wha..."

"Let's go. It's late."

"Kurt? Why?!" Rachel groaned as she climbed into the car. "I was having so much fun!"

Kurt just grumbled as he started the car and drove out of the parking area. I didn't take too long as he drove along the main street back home.

"Kurt?"

"Did you see that guy sitting next to me?"

"He was cuuuute!" Rachel smirked and was still totally drunk.

"He is an asshole. He is cheating on his boyfriend."

"Whaaaat?"

Kurt sighed and tried to calm down because he knew it was pointless and silly to be upset with a random guy, but he was upset because this wasn't right. This was horrible.

"'Having fun' he said. He wanted to have some fun with me while his boyfriend is somewhere and waits for him or whatever he is doing."

"Dat isn't nice." Rachel said and slowly she closed her eyes and fell asleep. Kurt was kind of relieved because he knew when Rachel was drunk he couldn't have any kind of conversation with her. And while he was driving the car it was more safely. He took a deep breat and tried to calm himself down. It wasn't like he never met or heard about these kind of idiots, but it was the first time someone wanted him to be apart of this crap. Andrew was a very good looking guy, nice body, wonderful eyes but inside he seemed to be the biggest idiot Kurt had ever met. He would never have some fun with guy knowing he hd a boyfriend. Maybe Andrew would go back home and act like he did nothing and his boyfriend would be just be happy to see him again and recognize that he drove too fast so he took his foot from the gas pedal. It shouldn't matter to him what this Andrew was doing or not. It shouldn't matter to him at all.

"Good morning." Blaine smiled as Kurt reached their (since when was it their?) seat.

"Morning."

Kurt sighed and sat down and took off his coat. He hasn't slept since Saturday and felt totally exhausted. As he and Rachel came back she went to the kitchen and wanted to cook something for them in the middle of the night. He tried to take her into her bed, but she was too excited and drunk to sleep. That's why they were sitting in the kitchen all night long and he heard her talking about how much she missed Finn (his stepbrother). Kurt couldn't decide what was worse. Hearing her complains or that she tried to cook something but in the end just made a mess. At 7am she finally decided to go to sleep and he cleaned up in the kitchen.

"Busy weekend?"

"More like the worst weekend ever."

Blaine leaned back aand raised his eyebrows.

"It's nothing, really. My roomate and I went to a bar, I met an idiot and as we went back home she wanted to cook something in the middle of the night while she was drunk. Everything was a mess and I had to fix it."

Blaine laughed quietly and shook his head. "Sorry. Drunk people do crazy things."

Kurt sighed and nodded slowly.

"But what kind of idiot did you meet?"

Kurt was unsure. He never said to Blaine that he was gay and he didn't want to tell him. Not because he was ashamed about being gay (because he was totally fine with that), but he didn't want to involve Blaine into his life that much. The more he knew about him and the more Kurt knew about Blaine would bring them closer to each other. And this was a bad idea. A really bad idea. He knew he felt kind of comfortable near Blaine (although he loved music). But he wasn't gay and the last thing he needed was a broken heart and a one sided love. How did he know that? He couldn't explain it. He just felt it and the only thing he should care about more then anything was his book and his goal.

"We went to a gay bar."

Blaine froze within his movement and his lips turned into an 'oh'. Maybe it was a good idea to say this? Maybe Blaine had nothing against a book about a gay guy but he didn't want a gay guy near him?

"I knew you were different." Blaine smiled and suddenly his body relaxed. Kurt saw how his shoulders went down, his face became soft and his eyes had a warm shine.

"In a good way. I'm totally fine with that. It shouldn't matter."

Kurt just nodded still not sure what excatly had happened. Whatever.

"Well, I met this guy who was looking for some fun. Fun with other guys while his boyfriend wasn't there." He rolled his eyes as the memory came back. "I know some people do this, but I've never been involved and I don't want to be. Ever. That is cheating. It's horrible and if I were him I would be ashamed of myself."

"Yeah, that isn't right. I understand why you are so upset about this guy."

"Well, it shouldn't matter to me but it does."

Kurt didn't understand why it mattered to him so much. He wouldn't meet this guy again and if he did he would ignore him.

"Nevermind. He was an idiot and I don't want to think about it."

"It's better. Idiots are everywhere. Whatever. Remember that I wanted to contact the author?"

Kurt nodded and forgot about this guy he had met and all of his thoughts returned to his book. That was important. His book should have been the most important thing to him right now. So Kurt was more then thankful Blaine mentioned it.

"But I found nothing and I guess it's better this way."

"Probably. I guess the author feels terrible enough."

Kurt didn't want to tell Blaine about his website . He didn't want to write with him knowing who Blaine really is while he uses a pseudonym. It didn't feel right at all. Kurt looked out of the window and all he saw was a plateau and woods everywhere. It was nice to live so close to the nature, but it was also nice to spend some time in the big city of Haston.

"Can I ask you something?"

He was looking at Blaine. Into those golden eyes and he wanted to say no but he couldn't.

"Sure."

"How old are you?"

"Nineteen."

"Same age." Blaine smirked and again Kurt recognized how beautiful he was when he smiled.

"And why don't you like music?"

Kurt stared at Blaine and he knew he couldn't say the real reason. It was private and it would take Blaine to much into his life. He didn't want that.

"It's annoying. I just don't like it."

Blaine sighed and shook his head. "For me it's the best thing ever. It helped me a lot when life became hard."

Blaine didn't make it easy for Kurt. He asked so much, he said so much and Kurt had so many questions he couldn't ask him.

As Kurt came up to his university he found out that his first lesson had been cancelled because the teacher was sick and it annoyed him a lot. He needed some diversion from everything. His dad's idea was good, yes, but it turned out a failure. Since when was his life an all time failure? Before his book was published everything was fine. Absolutely everything. His dad was fine after his heart attack and he was happy with Carole. The bullies stopped, he and Rachel had their apartment and his future seemed to be the one he had always wanted. He believed his book would turn out a success and then he could work on the second book. But no, and he couldn't understand why. He worked so hard for this. Kurt sighed and went to the café. Some coffee would be good and he could spend some time outside reading the book he was reading for about the 10th time. Shakespeare Hamlet. It was dramatic, kind of creepy but it was so good and he felt like Hamlet. Sometimes he wished he could hear his mother, hear her voice, and he knew what he should do. A nice dream, he thought and opened the door to the cafe. Music, voices and the smell of food and coffee filled the room. He went straight to the coffee machine, took a cup and pressed the button. Within seconds his cup was filled with coffee. He looked around and found the table with sugar and milk near the cash desk. He grabbed his cup and moved on as he ran into someone. His voice made a shocked sound and then he felt warm coffee flowing sinking into his gray shirt.

"I'm sorry!"

Kurt stopped his movement as he realized which voice was speaking to him. His blue eyes opened and found the golden eyes he saw each morning and evening.

"Kurt?" Blaine raised his eyebrows and took his hand off of Kurt's chest. Both looked at each other with surprise and confusion. Then Kurt remembered himself and what actually happened. His shirt was wet, he was wet and he couldn't walk around with this all day long.

"Everything alright?" Kurt saw a girl behind Blaine. She was pretty, long black hair and green eyes. She wore a brown hoodie and dark jeans. Her skin pure and pale.

"Yes I just... I'll be right back."

Kurt didn't understand how this happened, but he went together with Blaine into the bathroom.

"I'm really sorry, Kurt" Blaine opened his bag and pulled out a small towel out. Kurt raised his eyebrows as he saw the towel and then he stared at Blaine like he couldn't believe that he had a towel in his bag.

"Why do you carry a towel with you anyway?"

"Each Monday we play soccer so after that I take a shower, but it's cancelled today."

Kurt nodded slowly and put his bag on the counter.

"Shit, even I have some coffee on my pullover."

Kurt tried to order his thoughts. He was at university, he just wanted some coffee and then he ran into Blaine and now they are both together inside of the bathroom. Together at his university. Him and Blaine.

"Wait! Are you studying here?"

Blaine took off his pullover and under it was a white and tight shirt. His arms looked so good, so strong but not too much. His shoulders, his chest, his waist... Kurt needed to stop staring at him.

"Yes." Blaine just smiled and let the water out of the faucet, used some soap and started to wash the blotch out. Kurt otherwise took his shirt off and was relieved that he had a second shirt in his bag.

"I study law. Pretty boring people say, but it's okay."

Kurt put on his new black shirt and put the other back into the back.

"And you?" Blaine asked as he turned the water off and went to the hand dryer to dry his pullover.

"Literature." Kurt said a bit louder because of the noise.

Blaine's face brightened and he looked kind of excited. He said nothing, dried his pullover and a few minutes he looked at it. The blotch didn't disappear completly but it definitely looked better then before.

"First year?"

"Yes." Kurt answered as Blaine put his pullover on.

"This is really crazy. We take the same train, we go to the same university but we needed almost a month to find this out."

"Life is strange, sometimes."

Kurt wished he never had found this out. It's like life wanted him to be close to Blaine and he just wanted to be as far away from Blaine as possible. He should have said that he can't stand Blaine because he loves music so much and Blaine would have been polite and left him alone. Right? He should but Kurt couldn't do it. Kurt put his coat on, his dirty shirt into his bag and Blaine stood next to him smiling.

"I guess you are free for the next 90 minutes?"

"Yeah. Our teacher is sick... so yes."

"Good because I owe you a cup of coffee I guess."

"No it's okay. I should have been more careful."

"Well it would be a good thing for my remorse."

Honestly Kurt wanted to. He wanted to spend time with someone he knows a bit better than anybody else here. He was tired of being almost alone here because he wasn't able to spend a lot of time with his fellow students. He smiled.

"Okay."


	5. Chapter 5

They went back to the cafe, Blaine brought two cups of coffee and told the girl with the black hair (her name was Elena) that he'll see her in class. Kurt felt kind of uncomfortable because Blaine did this for him. At least he thought he did it because of him. They went to the botanic garden and there were still some leaves on the trees and also the sun was shining. It brightened his mood a bit. He didn't needed rain, naked trees and this thought the girl was maybe angry about him. But he probably just thought too much about nonsense. He was more worried about what was waiting for him. About him and Blaine. They shared the same train and seat, they went to the same university and even his book was a connection to Blaine. This was all coincidence right? Just a coincidence.

"Can I ask you something?" Blaine started to talk.

"Sure." Kurt answered and looked at him.

Blaine looked up as if he was looking into his head to find the right words as they kept on going through the garden. He wore a dark coat, a red scarf and his hair was smooth styled by gel.

"You are not very talkative aren't you? Or is it just because of me?"

Kurt sighed and took a sip of his coffee.

"I act like that right?"

Blaine shrugged and smiled a little. Kurt was annoyed of himself. Since summer he did nothing but feeling like a total failure. He went to no parties, didn't met his friends and just moved with Rachel to Linoi and changed nothing. He knew he had to forget this and move on. He knew it too well but it wasn't easy. Nothing was easy right now. All his hopes about forgetting what happened in the past were shattered by his failure. He didn't even understand why everything came back. His mom's dead, him admitting to himself that he was gay, his coming out. This all happened years ago and he went through hell but it got better with the time. And then right before he graduated everything just came back.

"Well it's not because of you. I just have a hard time right now."

"Studies?"

"Yeah, studies. Everything is new and I'm just not here yet."

"But you like literature? I mean sometimes people study stuff they hate."

"Oh yes I do. I really do."

They sat down on a wooden bench.

"So you want to become an author?"

"Yes. I know I do not need to study literature to become an author but I have to do something before I get there. I already wrote a story down but... but I'm not satisfied about it. I still need some time and re-write some parts."

His heart beat became fast because he wanted to say that he already had a book that was published and Blaine already read it. But Kurt was able to stop himself before it came out of his mouth.

"Sounds awesome!"

And before Blaine could ask anything else Kurt decided to ask him out.

"And you want to become a lawyer?"

Blaine nodded slowly and took a sip of his coffee and then he looked to the ground.

"It is a lot of stuff I have to study too, but I would really like to help people. But I have to admit I would like to do something else. I do love music and art and acting but I want a safe job."

"So you gave up on your dream?"

"No not really. Maybe one day I'll live my dream but not now."

Kurt saw something in Blaine's eyes that made him unsure about if Blaine was telling the truth. Kurt never wanted to do something else. He always wanted to be an author and he won't give his dream up not matter what. His writers block will go away and his next book will be a success as soon as he finds a new inspiration.

"I still can't believe we didn't meet each other here. But I guess because you study at one end of the campus and I at the other end. Also we both take a different bus."

"Yeah it's kind of weird."

"Yeah... oh excuse me." Blaine's phone rang and Kurt looked away tried to focus on something else.

"Hello? No I'm at university and yeah everything is fine."

His voice sounded different. Usually it sounded comfortable, soft and too good to be true for Kurt. But now it was kind of stressed out and as Kurt looked at him he could see even Blaine's face was strained.

"My teacher is sick that's why I have no class. No I don't skip it don't be silly."

He laughed but it wasn't honest at all.

"Yeah I won't forget see you later."

Blaine hung up and sighed.

"My roommate, sorry for that."

Kurt nodded and they were quiet for a while. He was wondering what this expression on his face meant. Basically he didn't know Blaine but he knew Blaine never made such an expression when they were together. But this didn't mean his life was good. He studied something that wasn't his dream. That wasn't what he really loved and maybe it was good because Kurt did what he loved but it threw him into this black hole he was living in. He loved writing books so much that it hurt somehow.

"Don't make such a face, Kurt." Blaine put his hand on Kurt's shoulder and a small shock ran through his body.

"What?"

"You look like your thoughts are hurting you."

Kurt breathed in and shook his head and made a small laugh which wasn't even honest enough. Blaine's hand moved off of his shoulder.

"Is it the idiot you are thinking about?"

"No it's not about him. It's just... my life is kind of a mess right now."

"Well mine would it be too if there was no music." Blaine grinned and Kurt frowned. Maybe he was really wrong. Maybe Blaine's life was perfect and happy and he just saw things that weren't there.

"Isn't music a good inspiration for writers?"

Kurt huffed and stood up: "I better go. Thanks for the coffee."

What was he doing? What on earth he wanted to do? Just some seconds more and he had said everything to Blaine. He had told him about his mother, his writers block, his book and all the other things he hid inside of his memory. Kurt didn't want that right now and he didn't need it. He didn't need music or anything that would put him closer to Blaine. He had to stop this.

"Kurt?"

"See you later."

His heart beat was so fast, this wasn't good at all.

* * *

It was after 9pm when Kurt finally took the bus back to the train station. Usually he drove back home at 6pm or even at 4pm. Usually together with Blaine but he decided to go to the library and spent some time there. He wasn't looking for a particular book he just wanted to kill time so he wouldn't meet Blaine in the evening. No book could catch his attention and not even Hamlet did it. He just sat there next to the window and watched the rain falling while he was thinking about Blaine. Why did his little touch made his heart race? What kind of human was his roommate?

He sighed as he walked up the stairs. He knew even if he might get some feelings for Blaine he could do nothing against it. He knew that he couldn't control it but at least he wanted to try. He left the stairs behind, pulled out his umbrella and as he walked down the station he could hear a guitar. Someone was playing a song and it sounded kind of nice. Usually this sound was a pain for Kurts ears but not now. His eyes were looking for the person who was playing and than he heard a male voice.

_From here I hear bells_  
Big storms and anthems  
True harm when you 

Kurt came closer and than he saw a familiar face and his heart just stopped for a second. Blaine sat there on a bench, in the rain and sang with his eyes closed. The gel from his hair was gone and what was left were curls. Kurt stared at him, at the guy he never thought could look like this.

_There's a lots of clowns_  
Trough me people lack  
But that just the color of stupidity  
And there's no light in my eyes  
So there's no light in my brain 

His voice sounded so good that Kurt had to remind himself to breath. He sang with a low voice, clear and Kurt could listen to his voice all day long. Even thought it felt good it also felt very strange at the same time. His heart was warm, his body relaxed but it scared him because it's been a while since he felt like that. Relaxed without any worries. His insides turned into something he couldn't understand right now and that's why he decided to interrupt Blaine because he didn't recognized Kurt.

_Maybe the symmetry of a song, it's all I need to find_

_Will you play?_   
_Will you make me smiling? Will you play?_   
_Will you make me smiling?_

_And how I've seen everything,_   
_And how I've sleeping well_   
_And empty space forming blind_   
_Sweet sorrow Sweet sorrow_   
_Sweet sadness ..._

But what was he doing here? Why was Blaine here and since when he had this guitar with him? It was 9pm and he never drove back home at this time. He stood next to Blaine so that the rain wouldn't fall on him or Blaine.

"What on earth are you doing here?"

Blaine opened his eyes quickly and looked up to Kurt. He stood up fast and his eyes were wide.

"I was waiting for you. You weren't in the train so I thought you would come later."

Again Kurt's heart made a weird fast movement and he swallowed hard trying to be calm. What was wrong with this guy? Why did it feel like he wanted to be with Kurt? Why did Blaine came closer to him when Kurt tried to escape? This wasn't good.

"In the rain? " Kurt asked and hoped his questions to himself would fade away.

"Rain?" Blaine touched his face his hair and couldn't believe it: "Fuck I didn't even noticed the rain." He tried to fix his curls but he made it even worse.

"Hey calm down."

"No!" Blaines voice became a bit higher and they both stared at each other until Blaine sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"I... look. I'm sorry. I didn't want to talk to you about music and I never wanted to make you upset. I guess I did it and that's why you went today. And I felt bad about this so I was waiting but you weren't here and I thought, you would come later. So I started to play some songs and then you had to hear me playing and again I did something you don't like."

Kurt moved his head to the side and stared at Blaine like he did. So Blaine was waiting for him and he was sorry about making Kurt upset. Yeah he kind of made him upset but it wasn't his fault. Not at all.

"Calm down, Blaine. I'm not upset or angry about you."

Blaine made those big puppy eyes and Kurts heart started to melt. How should he handle those golden big pretty eyes? How could he ever dislike Blaine? No matter how hard he tried he would end up running into Blaine, right?

"I'm really sorry, Kurt."

"Don't be silly. Nothing happened, okay? And I have to admit you sound really good and for the first time when I hear music it didn't hurt."

Blaine looked at him with worry in his eyes until he smiled wide so Kurt could see all his beautiful teeth.

"But I don't understand why, Blaine. Why are you doing all of this?"

Blaine sighed and his shoulders moved down as if they lost weight.

"It just feels right to be with you."

"Excuse me?"

"No not this way. You know, I am not gay. I just would like to be your friend and I see it in your eyes how hurt you are and I don't know why you are, but I know this feeling."

Kurt looked away because it felt like Blaine could read his mind and that was the last thing Kurt wanted someone was able to.

"I know it sounds crazy and silly."

"Yeah it sounds like that."

Blaine grinned and again Kurts heart beat faster. Probably he couldn't escape and slowly he admitted it to himself. As long as they just became friends Kurt was fine with that. Maybe it wasn't love what happened in his heart. Maybe he it was just the same feeling he had for Rachel.

"I really want to be your friend. I don't know how to explain it."

"It's okay, Blaine." Kurt felt the struggle Blaine was going through inside. He wanted to say something but he didn't know how and this feeling Kurt had for months. He wanted to write so many things down but he couldn't. It was like a wall between his mind and his hands.

"Just... not too much music okay?"

"Okay!" Blaine smiled in excitement and again his eyes became wide and shiny like puppy eyes.

The train arrived and both went inside. As they sat down Blaine pulled out his towel and rubbed his hair dry and after that his guitar. Fortunately his clothes under his coat didn't get wet.

"You had no guitar when we met at university right?" Kurt asked and raised an eyebrow.

"No. Sometimes I meet some friends and we make music together just for fun. And I do even play on the streets but not for money just for fun."

"It's clear you love that so why don't you study music? At our university you can do this."

Blaine laughed and shook his head.

"I know I can but you know I want a safe job. Besides my roommate doesn't like music that much so I would be a bother. Whatever, as long as I can do it as a hobby I don't mind."

"You know my roommate want to become a vocalist and even we come along with that."

Blaine smiled.

"That's good. But believe me I'm totally fine with that."

Kurt understood that Blaine didn't want to talk about that so he decided to stop asking.

"We should meet sometimes. You know, not only here or at university. I live in Verno the station before Linoi."

Kurt wanted to shake his head. This was no coincidence anymore. This was becoming ridiculous. And even his thought "How do I escape from Blaine" became ridiculous. There were to many connections. Far too many and Kurt understood slowly that he couldn't escape. But he still wanted to and if he ever got the chance to do this he would take this chance.

"Sure I guess it will be good if I don't sit in my room all day long."

"Don't you have a boyfriend or other friends you could visit?"

"No, just my roommate. I'm new here and like I said, my life is a mess right now so no. I had no time for friends or a boyfriend."

"Well now you have someone." Blaine smiled like this was all he ever wanted or maybe Kurt wanted to see it that way. "Here." Blaine pulled out his cellphone and gave it to Kurt. "This is my number."

* * *

As Kurt went inside of his apartment he sighed exhausted and went straight into his room. He left his bag on his bed and started to pick all the paper balls and threw than into the trash can. Than he started to clean up his desk and sorted the documents.

"You are ba..." Rachel knocked at his door and became quiet as she saw what Kurt was doing.

"Probably this Blaine guy isn't that bad for you?"

"Shut up Rachel. We are just friends." He frowned and his cheeks started to burn but he hoped she couldn't see it. She smirked and left Kurt alone and closed the door. Kurt knew he had to find something that would caught his attention. Something that wasn't Blaine and so he decided to check his e-mails he got when his book was published. Those e-mails were from people who had read his book and wanted to share their opinion with him. But as he understood that his book was nothing but a failure he avoided those e-mails. Kurt was sure that those e-mails weren't good e-mails and he didn't need more things that would break him down. But today it felt like it was the right thing to do.

He turned on his laptop and still cleaned up his room. After a couple of minutes he sat in front of it, started his e-mail program and found twenty e-mails. Most of them were kind and wished them luck for his next book. But this kindness was like a mask for Kurt. No one wanted to say it out loud and he didn't know what was worse. A hidden lie or the pity.

He sighed and the last e-mail caught his attention. The other e-mails were all from September or October but one of them was just a few days old.

**From: Nathan. Mall**

**To: Damien Talon**

_Dear Mr. Damien Talon,_

_My name is Nathan Mall and I just finished reading your book. I know it wasn't a success but for me it was very special. It changed my mind and I recognized I can't live the way I live now anymore. But I don't know how to change my life. I don't know who to talk with and that's why I decided to write you this e-mail because you wrote this story and I hope you'll understand me. I am 19 years old and I'm gay but I never came out. I am not ashamed of that it's just I'm scared what my parents might think, my friends and all the other people. They all make jokes about gays or lesbians and it scares me. I want to be like Leon your main character. He lost his mother, he came out, was bullied but he never gave up. After all he was happy in the end and I want to be happy too. But I don't know how. I feel alone, lost and sometimes I just want to disappear. Sometimes I feel like I don't matter at all. Sorry for getting emotional but I really need someone to talk about this._

_N.M._

Kurt sighed and leaned back into his chair. He knew this feeling too good. He felt the same way but he couldn't write it down like this. Maybe if he did his book would have been better. Whatever. He did something he never expected. He changed the mind of a gay guy into a good way, right? But this guy had a lot of trouble and now it was his responsibility to help him, right? Kurt wanted to because this would be something that could help him not to think about Blaine. Maybe everything would just go away and he could accept this friendship way much easier. He stood up and went to the kitchen where Rachel made some hot chocolate.

"What's that face?" She gave him a cup and he smiled thankful.

"I read my e-mails. The one I got about my book."

"Oh. You are okay?"

They sat down and Kurt nodded.

"Yes they were all nice even if I know what they wanted to say. But it doesn't matter right now."

Kurt told her about this Nathan guy and his e-mail and Rachel looked at Kurt with a worried and sad look. She knew what happened when Kurt came out and she knew it wasn't a good time. But Kurt was lucky because he had friends who loved Kurt for who he was. But Nathan didn't have those kind of friends as far as Kurt knew.

"Poor guy. Without any support or someone who doesn't mind you for who you are it isn't easy."

"No it isn't. I would really like to help him because you know it's something personal. Kind of."

"I understand Kurt." She stood up and patted his shoulder.

Kurt drank up his hot chocolate and went back into his room.

**To: Nathan Mall**

**From: Damien Talon  
**

_Hello Nathan,_

_Thank you for your e-mail. I can't put into words how much it moved me to know that I was able to kind of change your life. You wrote me this e-mail and I can say you have the courage deep inside you, you just don't know it yet. Like the main character ,Leon, I made the same experience and it wasn't easy. It will never be easy until the day we all accept that we are just humans and want to love and be loved. It might be impossible but it gets better. I really want to help you because it is something personal for me. I had people who supported me unlike you have. So if you want my support even if it's just per e-mail I'll give it to you. But the first thing you need to know is, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not alone and start to love yourself before you want to come out or do anything you are unsure about. I do really understand that feeling and the pain you feel inside._

_Sincerely_

_D.M._

Kurt looked out of the window, saw the rain falling and suddenly this feeling came back. The feeling when I he came out. His whole body was shaking, his heart almost exploded and his body felt kind of numb. But his dad accepted it, his friends too and slowly he started to become more confident. The bullies made him strong and there was a time, when it stopped everything was easy and wonderful. He even had a nice boyfriend but he broke up with him after a while. The love he felt for him wasn't enough to keep them together and maybe, because of this all came back? All the memories about his mother? Maybe because he graduated and knew everything would change? Kurt stood up and went to his shelf filled with books. He took his book out and starred at the dark blue cover and the silver letters and for the first time he didn't feel any pain. For the first time he was proud of himself. For the first time the words he read each morning made sense. To be or not to be. And he wanted to be someone who exactly did this. He wanted to help people and somehow to change their minds into a good way. He wanted to leave some marks in this world but not yet. He wasn't ready yet.

* * *

"Thanks, Jeff" Blaine smiled at his blond haired friend as he stood at the front door.

"Don't you want to come in?" Jeff held Blaine's guitar and looked at him quizzically.

"No I have to go home I am already late."

"Take care, Blaine. See you next week."

"Yeah. Say hi to Wes and the others." Blaine said and walked down the street. It was still raining but he didn't care. Verno was like Linoi, small, dreamy and the houses stood close to each other. Everything was like a dream and pretty but it didn't made him happy. He just wanted to stay away from his home for today. Some months ago it was the best place ever and he loved it. He was happy, everything was perfect but than it suddenly changed and he couldn't talk about it. He knew why. He knew exactly why he had to keep his feelings inside and just be thankful. Blaine wanted to be thankful, he wanted to be happy but everything changed and not into a good way for him. After a few minutes he stood at the front door to his apartment and was struggling with himself while he asked himself when did his life became like this?


	6. Chapter 6

Nothing tasted good today. Absolutely nothing. The lessons were boring, his friends annoyed him but Blaine didn't complain. He just sat there and ate his sandwich while Elena sat next to him and Vincent and Michael in front of him. "I swear to God you should have seen Michael's face. This guy slapped his ass and said, you have a nice ass and Michael's face turned so red."

"Stop it you asshole." Michael buried his face into his hands and went with his fingers through his dark hair.

Vincent laughed again and so did Elena. Blaine just smiled and focused on his sandwich. He didn't get the point what was so funny about that. It was mean because they were making fun of this guy who slapped Michael.

"I was embarrassed okay? I have a girlfriend." Michael explained himself.

"Dude, calm down." Vincent still laughing.

"Have you guys finished the homework for next week?" Blaine tried to change the subject.

"Oh Blainers, you always take us back into the hard times of life."

"Blaine is right, guys. It's a lot of stuff." Elena said and took a sip of her coffee.

"Well, Elena, you are the smartest of us and I guess you've already done the homework." Vincent smirked.

"Sure, so did Blaine." She smiled at Blaine and he just smiled back not even trying to make a real smile.

"What's wrong Blainers? You seem to be tired?" Michale asked.

"Yeah I am. I n't get enough sleep yesterday."

"With Elena next to me I wouldn't neither." Vincent grinned.

"Vinc we are not dating." Elenas cheeks became red and she was playing with her dark long hair nervously.

"C'mon Vinc we still need to copy some of the notes." Michael stood up and Vinc followed him sighing. "See ya later lovebirds!"

Blaine just nodded and finished his sandwich. He was tired of hearing this stuff about him and Elena. He knew she had some feelings for him but he said nothing. He never said that he didn't want her so close and he never said that he felt nothing for her. This feeling he could hurt her if he would say it was too terrible for him. But saying nothing was even worse.

"Do you want my notes Blaine?"

"No, thanks. I'm almost done with the homework." He smiled at put his lunch box back into his bag. "Want to take a walk?" Elena nodded and gave him a big lovely smile.

As they went outside Blaine opened his umbrella and Elena hers. She started to talk about something but he didn't pay much attention to her words. He is mind was focused on something a friend told him yesterday. Something about a teacher who was called Cooper Anderson. Maybe it was just a coincidence that someone had the same name like his brother. But it would have been a big coincidence. He was worried about this. The last time he saw his brother was six years ago and since the day he left he never heard a word from him again. It wasn't like they wanted to be separated they were basically forced to be.

"Blaine?" Elena poked him slightly with her shoulder.

"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry ,Elena. What did you say?"

"I asked you if you are free this weekend."

He saw the sparkle in her eyes, hope and also how nervous she was.

"I don't know. I have to do some important stuff and I don't know if I get it done until Saturday."

"Okay." Elena sighed.

* * *

During the class Blaine again didn't pay much attention to what the teacher was saying. He wasn't able to today and he even couldn't sleep last night. Elena and Michael were focused on the teacher who was talking about the justice system. Vincent put his arms and head on the table and was sleeping. Good for Blaine so no one would interrupt his thoughts. If it's true that this Cooper Anderson was his brother everything would change. Sooner or later and Blaine wasn't sure about in which direction his life would be changing. It's been six years now and Blaine was thirteen when his brother left and he barely remembers what actually happened to make Cooper leave. He came back home from school and heard his parents arguing with his brother. It wasn't like this happened for the first time but it was different and Blaine understood nothing. Cooper just went into his room, packed his stuff and went outside and never came back. His father Riley and his mother Teresa didn't answer his question about why or where Cooper was gone. Riley just said that Cooper wasn't his son anymore because he was nothing more than a disappointment. Those words scared Blaine and he knew Cooper good enough to know that he couldn't be what his father called him. He knew Cooper would never do something to harm anybody. It took Blaine years to understand why Cooper left and still he wasn't sure. He just had some ideas about what might have been the cause for all this. The only thing he knows was that since Cooper wasn't there for him everything became horrible. Absolutely everything and...

"Blaine!" Michael shook Blaines shoulder.

"What?" Blaine leaned forward fast and almost fell across his table. That would have been painful because they were sitting in the middle row of the lecture auditorium.

"Lesson's over."

"Oh, yeah."

"You are so weird today Blaine. Something happened?" Elena asked.

"No, like I said I'm just tired."

They left and Blaine excused himself earlier. They would keep on asking him what was wrong and Elena would clinch on him until he was the Blaine he used to be around them. Today he didn't need this so he turned around to other direction and walked through the campus. Blaine did some research (one good thing about his study subject) and found out that this Cooper Anderson was teacher for literature. The same subject that Kurt studied. But he couldn't ask Kurt how this Cooper guy looked like. He had to find this Cooper Anderson on his own. Not because he didn't want anybody to know he might be his brother Blaine just didn't want any question about his past or his private life. Even if someone should ask him about this stuff, Blaine would lie probably.

He reached area for the literature students and went inside the building and walked straight to the schedule stuck on a board. He gazed at his watch and it was 4pm. Maybe he had a lesson and in the next thirty minutes so Blaine could meet him in the lecture auditorium and yes, fortunately he found him. With hasty steps he reached the room and opened the door unsure who he'll might see. It's been six years and only the idea it could be his brother made his heart race and his hands became sweaty. Unsure what to do with his hands he grabbed the strap of his bag and swallowed as he stood right before the stairs and looked down to the teachers desk.

_Oh god._

Legs were shaky, also his breath and without even noticing he walked down and froze as he reached the end and stared at the man. Dark hair, blue eyes, taller than Blaine and looked a lot like their father. Cooper was older but he looked better than in Blaines memories. A lot better.

His honey eyes caught the blue ones and Cooper smiled at him. He didn't know who Blaine was and Blaine wasn't surprised. Six years was a lot of time and the last time they saw each other Blaine was still a kid.

"Hi, can I help you?"

Blaine swallowed again and went some steps closer to Cooper, closer to the light above the desk. What should he say? What on earth did somebody say to someone when they didn't see each other for a long time? Blaine's fingers went through his gel smoothed hair and took a deep breath.

"Blaine." His voice was breathless.

"Pardon?"

Blaine became nervous and started to shake, his hands still sweaty, the grip around the strap tighter and once again he took all his courage to talk.

"It's me... Blaine."

Some papers fell to the ground, Cooper froze and stared at Blaine. It took only some seconds until Cooper went to Blaine (he almost ran) but for Blaine it felt like ages. His shaky hands reached out for Cooper, he held his breath and then finally his big brother hugged him. He held him so close, he was shaking and even Cooper's heart beat was so fast like Blaine's was.

"Oh my God. Look at you." Cooper took a step back and looked into Blaine's eyes. He touched his shoulders, his arms, gazed at his hair, face, body and Blaine saw his watery eyes while Cooper tried to smile honestly.

"I didn't even recognized it's you."

Blaines eyes began to burn and he tried to keep the tears away. He tried so hard but he couldn't. Cooper just saw the tears and as Blaine started to cry unable to say anything he just put his arms around Blaine and held him close.

"I'm sorry Blaine. I know and I'm so sorry."

* * *

Blaine waited for Cooper and he knew this evening he wouldn't share the train with Kurt. It made him sad somehow yes, but this was more important. He would even come home late but it didn't matter. Not today. He had finally found his brother. Maybe it was more of a coincidence but he finally had his brother back. All the fear about how his life could change because of this, all his worries didn't matter right now. He just felt like the little boy he once was who needs his big brother.

He was waiting at the parking area and as soon as Cooper appeared his heart started to race again. Yeah he wasn't the big brother in his memory because this guy was six years older. But his smile, his eyes and how he cared about Blaine didn't change.

"Here." Cooper handed Blaine a cup of coffee and then he followed his big brother to his car. It was a black car not too expensive but neither cheap. It was just like Cooper, good looking and inviting.

"You didn't have to leave my class, Blaine."

"It's okay. I needed some fresh air." The good thing was that Blaine was able to speak. Slowly this whole thing that was happening right now became something common in a very strange way. Cooper opened the car and they both sat down, being quiet for the first few seconds and sipping their coffee.

"I... I don't know where to start. It's strange." Blaine broke the silence.

"Yeah it is. It's been six years now so... no wonder."

Blaine nodded slowly.

"Well. Hi Blaine Anderson, I'm Cooper Anderson your older brother, teacher for literature, single and living in Haston. I'm very emotional, passionate and I do not function when I don't drink 3 cups of coffee at least in the morning."

Blaine stared at his brother with confusion as he started to laugh.

"Don't be silly this is serious."

"Comfortable?"

"Yes." Blaine did felt better. Much better and he saw the pleased smile on Cooper's face as they both settle down into the seats.

"How are you Blaine?"

"Good I guess."

"I guess? Oh, I know this 'I guess'. You always said that when something was bothering you."

Oh yeah, there were a lot of things that were bothering Blaine. He bit is lower lip and gazed at his coffee.

"It's Dad isn't it?" Cooper sighed.

"Dad... never mentions you, neither does Mom. Since the day you left no one ever talked about you and for me I wasn't allowed to ask."

Blaine felt Cooper's eyes on his face but he couldn't look at him. What would he see? What would he read in his eyes?

"They didn't tell you why I left. Yeah, that sounds like Mom and Dad," Cooper sounded annoyed and moved his fingers through his hair.

"I asked myself why. But I just had some ideas. Maybe I'm totally wrong."

"Tell me."

Finally Blaine was looking at his brother and he saw the anger in his eyes. Cooper was angry about their parents, hurt, maybe he even hated them but that was unlike Cooper.

"They... kicked you out. They kicked you out because you'd never leave me."

Blaine felt Cooper's hand on his head like he used to when he was younger.

"Do you come along with them?"

"I don't really know. I don't live at their place. I... I live with someone in Verno. But before I left we had our trouble. I just needed you and..."

"Blaine, listen. I didn't want to leave you... ever. It hurt so much that I couldn't take you with me. But you were too young and I didn't know where my life would take me." Cooper shifted his body to the right so he could look better at Blaine. It felt good to hear this even if it was sad because Blaine really needed Cooper.

"I'll tell you everything if you want me to. But, if you come along with them I don't want to ruin this."

"There... there is nothing to ruin, Coop. I ruined it by myself."

Blaine wasn't ready for this. He wasn't ready to talk about the last years, the last months before he moved to Verno. He just wanted to be the happy guy he used to be since the first day of university. He wanted to do everything he could before he gets back home and couldn't do what he really loved. But everything was complicated and he knew exactly since when.

"We have a lot to talk about and it's late."

Cooper sighed with a low voice and rubbed his eyes: "Listen. I'll drive you to the train station and you make sure you'll be free at the weekend, okay?"

"Yeah." Blaine wasn't ready and he still didn't realize that he actually met his brother, that he could see his brother everyday, that he could talk with him. All the things he couldn't do.

* * *

He gave Cooper his cellphone number and went to the station as they arrived there. Weekend, he thought as he walked up the stairs. It was Wednesday so he had three days to prepare himself for this. He wanted to tell Cooper everything. Everything that he couldn't tell anyone and all the things he couldn't handle alone. Yeah he didn't see Cooper for six years and yeah, Cooper had changed for sure but he was his brother. He always took care about Blaine and he always took all the blame no matter what happened. Back than Blaine didn't understand how much Cooper did for him but through the years he saw everything. He sighed and rubbed his forehead. Everything in his mind was kind of blurry and he needed some sleep.

"Did you get lost?"

Blaine stood still as he heard this familiar voice that he liked way too much.

"Kurt? What are you doing here?" Blaine made a small laugh and saw Kurt sitting on a bench. His walked to Kurt quickly and gazed at him quizzically.

"Waiting. For you."

"What? It's almost 8pm and your last lesson ended at 6pm."

"I know."

"You are crazy. Really."

"Well I'm not the one who was sitting in the rain, waiting and playing some sad songs."

Blaine laughed and his golden eyes became bright and warm. Probably Kurt just waited for him because he did it the last time and he didn't want to owe Blaine anything. Even if it was like that, Blaine didn't care. Kurt was here and whenever he was Blaine felt this warmth inside his heart, the need to tell him so much and he wished his life would be different, easier. But it wasn't and so he just had to forget all of this, the warmth, the need and keep on smiling and do everything so he could become his friend. Do everything so he could make Kurt happy.

"You got a point. But you weren't waiting here for 2 hours?"

"No. I went to the gaybar because my roommate forgot her scarf there. Well she lost it more than the forgot and I talked with the owner. He is a good friend of mine."

Blaine smiled even if it made him feel strange when he imagined Kurt going to a gaybar and meeting guys. Guys that he could kiss, hug and have fun with. Guys that, Blaine hoped so, saw how beautiful Kurt was, how amazing his eyes were. He hoped that Kurt would only meet good guys because he deserved the best.

"How is it there? You know, I've never been in a gaybar."

"It's like every other bar, beside most of the people there are gay."

Blaine nodded.

"You really never been in a gaybar?"

"I'm not gay, so no." Blaine laughed: "And my studies are keeping me busy I have no times for any bars."

Kurt nodded slowly and Blaine felt kind of unsure.

"So... did you meet that idiot again?"

"Oh my god no! Don't remind me about this guy."

They both laughed. It was no good idea to talk about this stuff. Blaine felt uncomfortable, unsure and nervous. This was something he couldn't talk about that easily but neither he liked the jokes Vincent and Michael made. They said they weren't homophobic and probably they are not. But those jokes were unnecessary and if a gay guy would hear their jokes he would think they were idiots. Some kind they were but for Blaine they were childish.

The train came and both went inside, walking to their favorite place and taking their coats off. Blaine was earlier ready than Kurt and as he sat down and saw what Kurt was wearing his moth dropped open. He wore really tight dark pants (how could he walk in those and since when did he wear those kind of pants?), a white shirt and a dark blue cardigan. But those pants! Blaine swallowed, closed his mouth as Kurt sat down and tried to act as normal as he could.

Should he say that he recognized Kurt changed his style? No, that would be too gay right? But those pants! His eyes moved to Kurts hair and even this was perfectly styled. He didn't see this in the morning because he was sleeping and he had needed this view too much.

"You've changed your style?"

"No, not really. This is usually the way I dress. I just want to feel better and I hoped this would help."

Blaine swallowed again and glared and those tight pants again. Yeah he wore tight pants too (but not too tight so others might think he was gay) but Kurts were much tighter.

"And did it help?"

Kurt crossed his arms and bit his lower lip. His eyes weren't looking at Blaine and his whole body screamed at Blaine that he didn't felt comfortable. Kurt looked so good in those clothes and he shouldn't wear anything else but Kurt was hurt. Something was bothering him and Blaine wanted to know what it was. He didn't like the look in Kurts eyes, he didn't like the sad smiles, the few words he spoke, he didn't like this kind of Kurt and he wished he could make him smile. His honest smile must be something beautiful Blaine never saw before. He was sure about this.

"Tomorrow."  
"Tomorrow?" Kurts blue eyes looked at Blaine while he smiled.

"When do you have some free time?"

"Around 1pm."

"Good. Meet me at the cafeteria I'll be there at 1pm."

"But for what?"

"It's a surprise," Blaine grinned.

"Yeah," Kurt said with no confidence.

* * *

Blaine arrived in Verno after 9pm and he knew he was late again. Without any detour he went straight home and again he felt sick. His stomach hurt a bit and his the taste in his mouth changed into something bitter. It was raining again, it was dark and as closer he came to his apartment the more he wanted to turn around. Not because he was afraid of this place he was tired of lying. But he wasn't even lying he just made secrets but this wasn't even better. Blaine sighed and pulled out his keys. He opened the front door, went straight through the golden colored corridor and stopped by the last door on the left side. He took a deep breath and opened the door. It was a nice apartment with big windows, dark brown ground and white walls. He took off his coat and shoes and went through the corridor to the left side. Each furniture was a dark color.

"I'm back."

No one answered. Blaine raised up his eyebrows and looked to the two other doors, both closed. He opened the bedroom but there was no one. Maybe he was gone? He closed the door and went to the kitchen and there was no one too. _Whatever_ he thought and it was even good that no one was here. He had to plan tomorrow and he had to call Jeff. And then there was Cooper too. He wanted to see him on Saturday, he wanted to talk to him and tell him everything. There were so many things needed to be fixed because he was waiting far too long that everything would be fine without him doing anything. Blaine started the coffee machine and than he felt arms around his waist, a body against his back.

He froze and a shiver went down his spine.

"Do you have to scare me?"

"You are late again and I was lonely."

Blaine sighed.

"I'm sorry, Andrew."

And than he felt lips kissing his neck.


	7. Chapter 7

Kurt was nervous, very nervous to be honest. What was he thinking when he was waiting for Blaine? What on earth was he hoping? And why did Blaine keep on saying all those things that made his heart beat like crazy? He didn't know much about Blaine's private life (and that was good he guessed) just about common things. Nothing really special but the way Blaine said those things and how much he wanted them to be friends. Kurt knew from the beginning it would turn into something bad for him. Something he couldn't handle for too long because Blaine was totally his type. And he wasn't gay but Kurt was. He shook his head as he went to the cafe and Blaine was already there, waiting. How long did he know Blaine now? It was almost December so on Christmas it would be 2 months.

"Hey Kurt." Blaine's eyes were shiny and his smile wide and again he looked like an excited puppy.

"Hey," Kurt smiled and swallowed. Why did he have to make that face? He made this face every goddamn morning when he wasn't sleeping. Sometimes he just slept and woke up as they arrived at Haston. They still took their own bus because Kurt's lessons were at the other end of the campus.

"We need to walk for a bit."

Kurt nodded and followed him without saying anything. Blaine seemed to be very confident and happy and Kurt was just unsure and thinking about what on earth the surprise might be. From what he knew Blaine liked books and he was studying law and he loved music. Also he didn't want to make Kurt upset so the surprise would be nothing related to music. They walked on, down the stairs and then Blaine stood in front of a door. Kurt looked around because he has never been here. This part of his university was different compared to the literature area but he couldn't explain how different. Maybe more welcome.

"This is the biggest lecture hall in the entire university," Blaine opened the door and both went inside into the low illuminated auditorium. It was huge, very huge at least 700 students could sit here. He swallowed as he imagined the crowd of people sitting there and staring at him if he had any success. Yes, he wouldn't stop dreaming about this until his dream comes true. His blue eyes moved down and he saw a stage. A... stage? And a piano? Rapidly he moved his head to Blaine and it almost hurt. This was a joke, right?

"Are you serious?"

Blaine's smile faded away and his gazed at Kurt questionably.

"Don't act like you have no idea, Blaine."

"But... I am clueless."

"You know what, forget it."

Finally, right? This was the moment he would have a good reason not to be friends with Blaine. He makes Kurt upset and tries to force him to listen to his music. He tried to put Kurt into something that wasn't helpful but painful.

"Kurt, wait!" Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand as he wanted to leave, "The piano has nothing to do with the surprise."

His blue eyes stared at their hands and he took a deep breath. Blaine's hand was smooth, warm and bigger than his. Strong, save and not so fragile like his. He felt the warmth flowing through his hand, arm, right into his heart and Blaine didn't let go.

"I know you don't like it and I said, I would never do this again."

"Fine." Kurt groaned and he couldn't resist Blaine's eyes. They were apologetic, kind of sad and still shiny. Damn puppy eyes. But this all disappeared from his face and his big smile returned.

"Great." He held his hand and dragged Kurt down the stairs with him.

This wasn't okay. No! It wasn't good because it felt so damn right and it scared Kurt. He once had a boyfriend and he knew this warm feeling when you were close to someone you liked a lot. It was a good feeling, calming, totally addictive and something you don't want to lose. But just when you found someone who likes you back, who wants to be with you the same way you want it. And this wasn't possible with Blaine. They've reached the stage and Blaine's hand let off of Kurt's. He wanted it back for a second. He wanted to hold this hand so Blaine could guide him on the way where Kurt would find his smile again. Maybe on a way where he could find something to be really happy about. Maybe it could guide him to Blaine himself, his heart. Kurt shook his head. This was silly, pointless and hopeless.

"Hello Blaine."

Kurt looked at Blaine and then to the older man who was speaking and sitting in one of the many seats in the first row. He had blond hair, a beard and brown eyes. He probably was in the same age like his father.

"Hello Mr. Parker."

Parker? Something in Kurt mind started to work and he remembered this name. It wasn't a rare name but something was special about it.

"You must be Kurt. Blaine told me you want to become an author."

Mr. Parker shook Kurt's hand and suddenly Kurt knew from where he knew his name.

"Oh. My. God." Kurt babbled and his cheeks turned red. His body started to shake, his knees became weak and with wide eyes he stared at the man in front of him and then to Blaine who smiled happily.

"Ni... nice to meet you Mr. Parker. Oh my God! Blaine just... how?" Kurt was so nervous, his mind worked so fast and he couldn't believe it. Mr. Parker was one of the most famous authors and one of Kurt's idols. His stories were all about the usual life, the troubles, the things we all had and have (maybe) to go through. But he wrote it in a way that was so amazing like his characters were all amazing. This guy was amazing and Kurt loved each book he had published.

"Blaine and my son were friends since high school and I came here to visit my old university and my son. He told me about you an your dream and also about the bad, bad writers block. It is a horrible illness." Mr. Parker laughed.

"I'll leave you two alone. You said one hour, right?" Blaine asked Mr. Parker.

"Yes than I'll have to leave," he answered.

Kurt looked at Blaine. He just stared at him with wide eyes and he couldn't believe this was really happening. Blaine didn't know that Mr. Parker was his favorite author because Kurt never said it. Blaine couldn't knew it or he stalked him. Maybe he was stalking him and knew more about him than Kurt would like to? No, now he was being really silly and paranoid.

"I'll be back in an hour." Blaine said to Kurt and left with his beautiful, wide smile.

* * *

They sat in the first row and still Kurt was totally nervous. He wished he could meet Mr. Parker (he also chose this university because of Mr. Parker studied here years ago) one day but not so soon. Not suddenly. He thought, one day, when he was famous, when he was the author he always wanted to be then he wanted to meet him. Because then he could be proud about himself, he would have something to be proud of. Something he made with all his heart. He held his own hands, trying to calm down and biting his lips.

"This is awkward." Kurt said his voice shaking and Mr. Parker laughed quietly.

"Try to calm down. I'm just a guy."

"No! You are my idol, you are special. You wrote all these amazing stories and I wished I could do the same."

"Well thank you."

Kurt stared at him and couldn't believe that he said this. It just came out of his mouth and he wasn't able to hold his words back. He blushed buried his face into his hands and all these feelings he suddenly felt were too much for him. Excitement, happiness and he was so thankful to Blaine. So thankful he didn't know how to give it back. Well Blaine wouldn't want anything back but Kurt wanted to give him something back.

"Blaine told me you want to become an author and about your writers block."

"Yes, yes. That's true. I...", Kurt looked around to make sure they were alone: "I... I already published a book."

"Oh? Really?"

"Yeah but just a few people know about it. Blaine doesn't know and I would like to keep it that way."

"So you used a pseudonym."

"Right. Damien Talon."

He saw it in his eyes, he saw the little sparkle of knowledge and knew; Mr. Parker had read his book.

"Oh my God. I should have been keeping my mouth shut." He almost cried and ran with his hand through his face.

"Kurt this is nothing to be ashamed of. My first book was failure too."

Kurt moved his hand down and stared at him with disbelieve. Mr. Parker and a book that was a failure? No way.

"Really I am not lying. My first book came out when I started to study literature. I was enthusiastic, very young and very self confident. I wrote a story about my high school time and I was a really lazy student. Most of the times we went on parties and stuff. So I wrote a lot of rubbish. When my book was published and it turned out as a failure it was the worse for me. And then I had this writers block, avoided everything that helped me writing my book and struggled with myself for a very long time."

Kurt calmed down while he was listening. All the things Mr. Parker told him were the same things he was going through right now.

"But you found a way out of this."

"Right." He smiled and his expression was so warm only a father could make this face. It reminded Kurt about his father and the last time he saw him. His dad was crying because Kurt was moving out but at the same time he knew, Kurt needed a change.

"And how?" Kurt asked with discreet.

"I started to do things I usually didn't do and all the things that helped me and I avoided I didn't avoid anymore. I started to feel better but still I wasn't ready for a new book. And then, some years later I met my wife and became a father."

Kurt nodded slowly and swallowed. The first things he could do, yes, but he couldn't marry a girl and became a father so easily. He was gay, he loved boys and not girls.

"I'm too young to become a father."

"Oh no." Mr. Parker laughed. "Enjoy your youth. Enjoy it."

He tried. He really tried.

"But the other things are right. I'm the same right now."

"Look Kurt. Your story is really good. Really good but you wrote it..."

"Lifeless and gray?" Kurt sighed and looked at him exhausted.

Mr. Parker smiled again and nodded.

"Maybe it will help you what I did. Give it a try it can't get worse, right?"

* * *

They talked about Mr. Parker's books, about the life of being a famous author and the hour was over too fast. Kurt heard the door opening as Mr. Parker hugged him and then went up the stairs as Blaine walked them down.

"Thanks Parker."

"You're welcome. See you soon, Blaine."

They were alone and Blaine smiled at Kurt who was standing there, two steps away from Blaine and didn't know how to thank him. Kurt felt better, really better. He met his idol, he met someone who went through a writers block, the same dark phase, who knew exactly how Kurt felt. But above all of this Kurt felt so many things for Blaine right know that he wanted to jump into his arms, hug him tight and at the same time he wanted to run away. It was exhausting how his mind and heart didn't work together when it was about Blaine. And this guy just stood there, in front of him, wearing a dark blue cardigan, a white shirt, dark pants, his hair smooth and styled by gel and his hazel, honey eyes glowing.

"Like I said. No music."

"Yeah. God, I don't know what to say just... thank you. Really, thank you."

Kurt smiled honestly and Blaine's smile got wider.

"No need to thank me Kurt. It was luck that he was here and I thought maybe it could help you, because he is an author too."

"He is one of my favorite writers."

Blaine said nothing he just smiled and it got wider again (was this even possible?).

"As long as it helped you anyway and make you smile again I'm glad."

Gosh, this boy. Kurt's heart was melting, warm and beating so heavy in his chest it was hard to breath. He did this all to be his friend, he did this all and asked for nothing in exchange. Blaine just did it and Kurt didn't want to ask if there are more reasons. He had hope, a lot of hope and wishes and he needed them to be hidden inside his head and hopefully one day he would forget them. Falling in love with a straight guy was painful, too painful to go through this again.

"I want to give you something back."

"Nah! There is really no need."

"But I want to."

Blaine sighed "It's okay, Kurt. Really."

Kurt wouldn't let Blaine go so easily. He wanted to give him something back not because he felt like he owes him something, just because he wants to. Blaine made him smile and now Kurt wanted to make him smile. Because of something he did for Blaine. Something personal. Something... Kurt stared at the piano and he exactly knew what to do.

"A song."

"Huh?" Blaine's smile faded away and his eyes moved from Kurt, to the piano and back.

"Would you play a song... for me?"

Blaine stared at Kurt with raised eyebrows and tilted his head "But you don't like it."

"And you love it and because of me you can't listen to it, or play it as much as you like to when I'm around."

Kurt felt guilty in a way he couldn't understand. It wasn't like he forced Blaine to spent some time with him but he wanted to like Blaine did. Yes he wanted to spent as much time as possible with him but he wouldn't say it out loud. He also never wanted to admit it to himself, never. But he did it and it felt strange. There were so many reasons why he shouldn't be around Blaine and why Blaine shouldn't be around Kurt. First Kurt was gay, Blaine wasn't. Music hurt Kurt and Blaine loved it. Blaine was a happy, smiling boy who lived his life. Kurt wasn't. But it started to change, slowly and this change scared Kurt. What if he would fall in love with Blaine for real (because right now it was more a crush)? What if those feelings would turn into something serious and he would forget his book, his goal, everything that brought him here? What if he would break down more then he already did?

"Well, to be honest, I really want to play for you. It might help you to get some ideas and inspiration."

"Once it was like that, yeah."

"See? It _was_ like that and now you..."

"One song won't kill me, Blaine. I want it and I won't be mad with you."

Blaine sighed, wrinkled his nose and titled his head to the piano and Kurt followed him as Blaine went.

"You can be pretty stubborn."

"You have no idea." Blaine had really no idea how stubborn Kurt could be. Rachel knew it because when they've moved to Linoi most of the time he closed his door and laid on his bed. He didn't want to see anybody or hear anything. So he locked his door and no matter how often Rachel wanted him to come out he didn't do it. But after some time Kurt understood how childish his behavior was.

Blaine sat down, opened the piano keys and gazed at Kurt who was standing next to the piano.

"Don't you want to sit next to me? There is enough space for us."

"Uhm... sure." Kurt looked at the black piano bench and took his bag off of his shoulder and left it on the ground. One deep breath and then he sat down next to Blaine who gave Kurt a thankful smile. "Any wishes?"

"No. Just play what you want to play."

Blaines stared at the keys, eyes small. He was somewhere in his mind, but not here for some seconds and Kurt took this chance of Blaine's absence to take a closer look for a while. This guy was really beautiful, with a big heart and with a smile that he sometimes wanted to punch Blaine in his face because he couldn't handle his gorgeous smile. And his puppy eyes. His goddamn, shiny puppy eyes when he smiled. They were too pretty, too amazing and it hurt to see all of this and to know he could never have this. He never wanted to have this, he reminded himself.

"Ready?", Blaine turned his head to Kurt so he could look into his blue eyes and Kurt nodded awkwardly and felt the heat crawling up to his cheeks. Damn puppy eyes!

Blaine's fingers moved to the keys and after a deep breath he started to play. The beginning was slow, a mix of low and high tones and Kurt knew this song. He knew it for sure. He followed Blaine's fingers with his eyes as they moved faster and then he heard his voice.

 _I've been walking in the same way as I did_  
Missing all the cracks in the pavement  
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet  
"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I could call?"  
"No and thank you, please madame, I ain't lost, just wandering." 

His blue eyes let off of Blaines fingers and moved to his face and what he saw hit him. Usually Blaine was always smiling, always eyes shinny, always full of live and in the here and now. Maybe Kurt imagined things, maybe he just wanted to see something unlike Blaine. He had never compared Blaine with this song.

 _Round my hometown_  
Memories are fresh  
Round my hometown  
Ooh the people I've met  
Are the wonders of my world  
Are the wonders of my world  
Are the wonders of this world  
Are the wonders now 

Kurt only heard two songs Blaine had sung, but both were songs that would never match Blaine. They were too quiet, kind of sad and they broke the image Kurt had about Blaine. He never saw his eyes so thoughtful, he never saw his face so blank, he never saw so less life, so much worry. He barely heard the words Blaine was singing and his voice was just too wonderful to pay no attention.

 _I like it in the city when two worlds collide_  
You get the people and the government  
Everybody taking different sides

 _Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit_  
Shows that we are united  
Shows that we ain't gonna take it  
Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit  
Shows that we are united 

Still his eyes were focused on Blaine's face, seeing a small smile which disappeared so fast as it came. Something was bothering him, something that he couldn't say, right? Something he could only sing about?

 _Round my hometown_  
Memories are fresh  
Round my hometown  
Ooh the people I've met

_Are the wonders of my world_

He played the last tones, moved his fingers over the keys like he never did anything else in his life. And then there was silence. Kurt's heart was quiet, his eyes focused on the white keys and Blaine interlaced his fingers, like he wasn't sure what to do with them.

"Happy?"

Kurt still was chasing his thoughts. He remembered why he didn't hear music anymore. There were too many emotions, impressions, too many things he didn't see and feel for a long time. But above that all he saw all of this in Blaine's face. He saw something he couldn't understand. Why did he smile like everything was fine and then when he plays all those sad songs and looks like he is living in a bad movie?

"Yes... yes. Just..."

No he couldn't ask him, he couldn't tell him what he was thinking. Maybe Kurt was wrong, maybe Blaine was just a good actor, switched into the right mood for each song.

"Just what?"

"Don't get me wrong... but...", he looked at Blaine, saw his smile, his eyes, like nothing happened. It was the Blaine he knew for almost 2 months: "You always play such... sad songs."

"Well you only heard me singing twice and I just like them."

Kurt nodded while Blaine grinned.

"I can play a happy song for you."

"Oh no!" Kurt groaned and stood up while Blaine laughed.

* * *

"Fuck!" Blaine swore as they drove back home and he was searching after something in his bag.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't find my keys." Blaine checked his coat pocket, his bag twice but nothing.

"Awesome... and my roommate will be back late." He sat down frustrated and ran a hand through his gelled hair. Kurt checked his watch and it was 6pm.

"When will he be back?"

"Something around 11pm or maybe later. I just... I never forget my keys."

This day was really special for Kurt and also the worst. He saw so many different faces from Blaine, so many sides that made Blaine even more interesting and Kurt wanted to see so much more. He wanted to be his friend, yes, he wanted really to be his friend and maybe (because he knew he couldn't escape Blaine) if he tried, those feelings above friendship would disappear? Yeah, they would right? Kurt just needed to get used to it.

"I could take you to my place. Rachel isn't there and you wouldn't interrupt anybody."

"No, Kurt. Thank you but no. I'll go to a cafe or something."

"And wait all alone? I could cook dinner for us and when your roommate will be back, you can take a taxi." This was new for Kurt and probably for Blaine too because Kurt was always the one who wanted to keep the distance between them.

"Has this something to do with 'I owe you something'?"

"No. We... we are friends, right? And you are in trouble so I want to help you."

"Friends, yeah.", Blaine nodded "Okay, fine."

Kurt kept silence while they arrived at Linoi. He didn't regret his decision, but he was completely clueless what he should cook or what he should say. When they were at university it was easy for him because they were at university and were talking about university stuff. Like homework and other students. Kurt avoided to talk about his private stuff like Blaine did. But this wasn't an option anymore. Not after Blaine played this song and Kurt saw (he knew he saw something!) a different side from Blaine.

"It will only take some minutes." Kurt said as they crossed the street.

"You are right, Linoi similar to Verno."

Blaine followed him, while he was looking around and smiling. Good, this was good. They reached the front door, went through the corridor, up the stairs and Kurt pulled out his keys.

"It's nothing special, but welcome."


	8. Chapter 8

Blaine sighed happily and let go of the fork while Kurt took the dishes from the table.

"Thank you, it was really delicious."

Kurt smiled and would clean the dishes later. Right now he was full because he ate so much and wanted to drink maybe some wine. Not to get drunk of course.

"Do you like wine?"

"Sure."

Kurt went to the living room and came back with two glasses and a bottle of red sweet wine. He opened the bottle as Blaine took the glasses. Kurt poured the wine into their glasses while Blaine's phone kept on buzzing.

"Is your roommate back home?"

"No." Blaine sighed as he pulled his smartphone back into his pocket: "It's Elena."

"Your girlfriend?"

"Noooo." Blaine almost laughed as he took his glass: "I have no girlfriend. Well I know she likes me and our friends want us to be together but she isn't my type."

Relief flew through Kurt's body although it wouldn't change anything. But knowing Blaine was single and he didn't have to share him with a girlfriend is a good thing. So there was no need to worry that he might have to share Blaine, right (as a friend of course)? Because he never stood between a couple. When Finn was here and wanted to spent some time with Rachel Kurt left.

"I told her I'm not interested as kind as possible, but you know, there is no way to say something like that without hurting anyone."

"Yeah, that's right."

"But let's talk about something different." Blaine raised his glass and both took a sip. It's been a while since Kurt drank alcohol but today it tasted really good. He met Mr. Parker, Blaine was here and liked his food and now he could spent some time with Blaine away from university, away from stranger's eyes.

"What about your writers block? Did Mr. Parker help you?"

"Yes, yeah... kind of. There are still some things making my life a mess but, I guess, I'm on a good way."

Kurt hoped he was on a good way. Sure he knew what to do to get out of this mess but only if it had nothing to do with this guy here in his kitchen. He took another sip, watching Blaine as he stared at his glass and his lips turned into a small smile. Each day it became easier for Kurt to read Blaine's face, because he couldn't take his eyes off of Blaine. And since he played that song Kurt knew that there was something Blaine had to fight with. He just knew it.

"The last time I felt like this was when I came out. I was unsure, I was scared but at the same time I was proud."

"Was it hard to come out?"

"At the beginning, yes. I couldn't admit it to myself but it changed and then the bullying started. But I had my friends, my dad and I never hated myself, I was proud of who I am. But yeah, it wasn't easy. I was the only openly gay kid at my school."

Blaine took a sip like Kurt and nodded slowly.

"I think you have more courage than you know, Kurt."

"Yeah?" Kurt almost laughed.

"Of course!" Blaine grabbed his hand and looked at him with vivid eyes.

Kurt stopped breathing as he felt Blaine's hand on his. Would it be always like that? Each time when Blaine touched him, would he always forget to breath? Would his heart always beat like this? He hoped not. He hoped that the need for more than Blaine's hand would disappear. He hoped he was able to take the path as a friend and nothing more. Fortunately, he never payed too much attention to those feelings and he never spoke them out loud. But right now it was pretty hard to ignore them.

"You accept yourself, the person you are. You are proud of who you are and I never thought you would dislike yourself and I never felt it. There are so many people who never come out, people who are scared to say what they think or want. You have your troubles like we all do, but you still try to find a way out, Kurt."

Blaine squeezed his hand harder and it almost hurt.

"You are amazing even if you don't feel like that right now."

He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to be so close to him because of his words, because his hand felt so right were it was. Because his honey, hazel eyes were so bright and beautiful.

"I... I'm sorry." Blaine took his hand away as he realized what he was doing.

"No... it's okay. Just... thank you. It's been a while since I've heard something like that."

"But it's true. Well for me it is."

Kurt breathed in deeply and heard Blaine's voice which sounded like he was angry about something.

He huffed, held his glass and avoided to look at Kurt's eyes. This guy was a secret. When Kurt thought he figured him out, what each expression meant, what he tried to say and why he did what he does Blaine did something like this and Kurt started at zero again. Blaine emptied his glass and his whole body screamed uncomfortable. He didn't know what to do with his hands, where to look or what to say and this made Kurt uncomfortable and even scary. Blaine should stay here, he thought, as long as possible.

"You like that wine?"

"Eh... yeah. It's good although it's been a while since I drank something. You know, when you get drunk sometimes you fall into trouble and I never want this to happen to me."

"Yeah. Like my roommate. She does all this crazy stuff when she is drunk. Mostly she turns into a cuddle monster and when her boyfriend isn't around I have to sacrifice my body."

Blaine laughed, his body started to relax and he leaned back looking at Kurt with a thankful gaze.

They laughed for while, Kurt emptied his glass and filled both up again.

"Are you free on Sunday?" Blaine asked.

"I have to study for an exam I'll have on December 6th."

"So a week left, right?"

"I know but it's a lot of stuff I have to study too. But tell me what you want to do, maybe I'll change my plans." The exam would be easy because it was on of Kurt's favorite subject (the one with Mr. Anderson) but he still wanted to find a reason to keep a little bit distance between them. He saw Blaine from Monday to Friday, each morning, sometimes at the university and each evening. Those times were the ones that Kurt looked forward to and at the same time they were hard for him. Friendship, he reminded himself, friendship.

"We can make a deal. I'll help you studying and after that I would like to show you where I live my dream."

"You mean making music, right?" Kurt's eyes became small and his lips curled.

"Yes, buuuuut, you have to admit you liked it. I saw it. You were totally relaxed."

It wasn't the music that made him so calm and comfortable. It wasn't the music at all.

"Assume I say yes, how will a law student help a literature student? Reading books is one thing but really being into this business is another one."

"I guess you don't trust me yet."

"I barely know you, Blaine. I don't know your last name, or your parents, or whatever. The only thing I know is what I see each morning and evening and the words you say to me."

"Same here."

He was right. He was so right and it didn't feel wrong. It was more like a new book he just opened and couldn't find out what would happen next and he was unsure if he wanted to, because of all the strange hints he got in the last hours.

"Okay then what about this. I'll still help you and we go out somewhere in Haston. Lunch maybe?"

"Do you want to take me out on a date?" Kurt laughed (he laughed a lot today) and took a sip.

"I... oh sorry." Blaine's phone rang. "Hey. No, I'm on my way. Yes I know I forgot my keys and I didn't want to bother you 'cause I know you are busy."

Again, Blaine became uncomfortable when he talked to his roommate. And again, Kurt was curious about this guy. "No, I'm fine, I'll be right there. Yes, see you in a bit."

"Your roommate is back?"

"Yes." Blaine sighed: "Can you call a taxi for me?"

Kurt nodded with a smile while Blaine drank his wine.

"In about fifteen minutes." Kurt sat back on his chair and emptied his wine, like Blaine did.

"You guys come along? Sometimes you seem to be... kind of unsure what to say?"

"Usually, we do. But right now he has so much to do because it's his last year as a law student, and all the exams and work. So his mood changes every day and sometimes I feel like he has his days."

Kurt pressed his hand on his mouth and swallowed his laughter. Probably it was because of his lightly fuzzy head that made him laugh about this and Blaine smiled satisfied.

"Well it's almost 11pm. The cooking took so long, but it was fun."

Blaine stood up, rubbed his forehead as he laughed quietly and went to the corridor.

"What's so funny?"

Blaine put on his shoes while Kurt followed him and spied Blaine's smile.

"It's just... it feels good to be here. It's been a while since I felt comfortable somewhere or with anyone."

_Did he?_

"Well for me you always look comfortable, Blaine. Maybe it's the wine that makes you think strange things?"

Blaine smiled and kept looking at Kurt's eyes while he put his coat, scarf and bag on. Then he stood there, right in front of Kurt, his hands hidden in the pockets of his coat like he wanted to stay, like he didn't want to go.

"So... see ya tomorrow."

"Yes." Blaine said and came closer just to pull Kurt into a hug and – Kurt stopped moving.

"Tomorrow."

Blaine left, the door closed and Kurt lifted his hand up, his fingers touching his cheek where Blaine kissed him. He just... kissed his cheek and left. It wasn't hard, but he did it. His damn heart was beating fast, to fast to handle it. His breath heavy, his hands sweaty and he shook his head hoping he would get himself together. But no. His cheek was burning, hand shaking and he tried to understand it. To understand Blaine and what actually happened. Or more, what this actually meant.

_Who the hell are you, Blaine?_

* * *

Kurt's confusion found no end. He went to sleep early because he didn't want to meet Rachel and talk about Blaine, just to hear her say that maybe this was just Blaine's way to show that he likes someone, because he wasn't gay. And yeah, maybe he wasn't gay, but they both barely knew each other and still Blaine did so many things for Kurt just to make him happy. He stopped listening to music when Kurt was around, he tried to support him, to make him smile. During the night after Blaine left he thought about all this stuff and found nothing more than more questions. So it was no wonder that Kurt became more confused and more questions appeared when Blaine wasn't there the next morning. His seat was empty, he wasn't at the university and even in the evening he wasn't there. Kurt didn't know if he should have been unsure, worried or just don't care at all about this. But he was worried, and he was unsure and he wanted to call Blaine but he didn't.

He wanted to wait because it was Wednesday and maybe Blaine was just busy, or he was helping his roommate. So there was Thursday and Friday still left but Blaine wasn't there neither. Kurt couldn't concentrate, he even canceled his coffee meetings with Mr. Anderson just to look for Blaine. He went to the part of the campus where Blaine was studying and found Elena, together with two other boys but none of it was Blaine.

"Excuse me!" Kurt called loud and the three of them turned around.

"Oh, you are a friend of Blaine, right?"

"Yes, right." Kurt smiled and Vincent whispered something into Micheal's ear and he hit him with his elbow but Kurt ignored them.

"I've been looking for Blaine. He wasn't in the train the last three days."

"He wasn't here either. Blaine sent me a message that he is busy and he'll be back on Monday."

"Ah. Good. Fine. Thank you."

Kurt was angry, disappointed and felt like an idiot. All his worries and even his messages, which Blaine didn't answer, the last sleepless nights what were they for? Nothing, just nothing, right? All this shit about being friends, about wanting to make Kurt smile. Maybe this was Blaine's secret, maybe he was just an asshole. A guy with a charming, beautiful mask and behind this mask he was an asshole.

* * *

"I'm back." Kurt growled and went to the kitchen.

"Hello sunshine."

"You are so funny, Rachel."

He opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle with water, sat down next to Rachel and saw the letter on the table.

"What's that?"

Her eyes were shiny, her smile so big that her eyes became small and she handed Kurt the letter. He took a sip and read the lines just to stare at her with his mouth open and wide eyes.

"This is amazing."

"Yeah, right? It's not my own tour but I'm a guest and I will sing first at each concert."

"Wow. Congratulations, really." He hugged her, smiled and gave her the letter back. So she made it. Rachel's dream was about to come true, finally. She would go on tour as a guest with a famous singer and sing together with her.

"And when?"

Her smile wasn't so bright anymore, her lost a bit of the fire and then she sighed.

"Tomorrow for two months."

"To... tomorrow already."

"I know, you need a friend right now because of your writers block and because of Blaine..."

Kurt growled again and glared at Rachel.

"And I would really like to stay here, to support you because I am worried about you..."

"Rachel, it's okay. I'm not a child anymore. And this is a huge step forward and I would never want you to stay here with me. No, I would force you to go there and take this chance."

She stood up, hugged Kurt and sniffed.

"Thank you."

"Don't cry Rachel Berry. You made it so far and soon you'll live your dream completely."

She wiped her eyes dry and nodded, sniffed again and took a deep breath. Kurt just smiled. This time he felt no jealousy, no anger or disappointment because he hadn't reached his goal yet. He knew, he was on a good way even if this thing with Blaine would turn out into something wrong. He knew he was on a good way, because he hoped Blaine had a good explanation for all this.

"I'll take you to the airport tomorrow."

* * *

He locked his door as he went inside his room and sighed deeply. Tomorrow Rachel would be gone for two months. From tomorrow on he would be alone for two whole months. On the one side it was good, but on the other side it was something that made him uncomfortable. His dad and Carole wanted to spend Christmas in Europe and Kurt was the one who said they should go there, because his dad was against it. He was worried about Kurt, wanted to spend as much time as possible with him but Kurt needed this space. He needed some time completely alone. Next week he had his exam, he would study so much until he couldn't think anymore. He would buy some books, enjoy the time alone, the holidays and just think about nothing. Nothing about Blaine.

Kurt went to his bed, took his laptop and leaned against the headboard. It was late and he was exhausted so he just wanted to check his e-mails and then go to sleep and make his last day (for two months) with Rachel special.

His eyebrows raised as he saw he'd got an email from Nathan. How could he forget him? This boy had so much trouble, wanted his help and he just... he was just thinking about Blaine. Everything had to do with Blaine.

**From: Nathan. Mall**

**To: Damien Talon**

_Dear Mr. Damien Talon,_

_Thank you for your answer. I can not put into words what your words mean to me and I can't even put into words how thankful I am. I don't know if I have this courage you were talking about and I don't even know how to love myself. I know I am gay, I'm sure about this and I don't want to be anybody else. But like you said it's painful, I am unsure and this is killing me. I re-read your book over and over and I tried to figure out, how Leon made it. What happened that he decided to come out, to show the world who he is. But, like you know, it isn't easy to figure this out because it is something you basically never wrote down. What happened in his mind? What gave you the courage?_

_Sincerely,_

_N.M._

Blaine's words were in Kurts mind, about how amazing he was, about his courage. All the things he never forgot but just didn't feel right now. It wasn't like he loved himself so much, that no one could catch up with him. Kurt just knew what he could do and what not. He knew he was no bad guy, no insane person. He was proud of himself but his life was just exhausting, right now. He tried to remember how it felt like when he came out. What went through his mind to make this decision.

**To: Nathan Mall**

**From: Damien Talon**

_Hello Nathan,_

_I'm sorry for my late answer. I know I wasn't very emotional and sensible while I wrote this book. So I'll try to explain it here. This isn't a standard solution, because there is none. But Leon just thought about his future, his own feelings, his soul mate. What would make him happy? What made him comfortable? What was his goal? He was focused on himself, trying to make himself happy and I did the same. I started to know myself, figure out what I want, what makes me happy, who I am. I found a lot of things I could do on my own, that gave me strength and I decided, I don't want to live in a cage. I don't want to hide myself my whole life, just because there are people who will never accept me for who I am. The same goes to Leon. I don't know where you live, or what you do, I don't even want to. But I know, if you start to do those things you love, to know yourself better than anybody and work hard, you'll make it._

_Goodnight,_

_D.M._

He closed his laptop and changed into his pajamas, just to sink into his bed, into his soft pillows and thought about his words about Leon. Probably this was it, what he did wrong. He never wrote Leon's emotions down, never explained how he saw other people, never in detail. He just wrote everything down like an article. A daily article most of the people read each morning. Dry, gray, lifeless, just the important facts. He would change it. Not tomorrow, but he knew he would change his first book into something better. Into something he would be so proud of that he never ever would fall into this writers block.

* * *

It was 11:27PM when Kurt left the airport and walked to his car. Rachel cried, hugged him so tight it almost hurt and was so sorry that Kurt became mad at her. There was no reason for her to be sorry and he would text her, whenever he needed someone to talk. And if it wasn't her his dad would listen to him. He climbed inside, started the the engine and drove through Haston. Saturday night and Kurt Hummel would spend this night alone in his apartment. He was going to spend each weekend alone in his apartment. This wasn't bad at all because he had his plans how to use this time but now, as he drove through the streets and went to the right, he wanted to do something different. His dad was right, like Rachel, he should go out, party even with the possibility he could meet someone like this Andrew guy from the last time. Andrew was one idiot from a thousand but there also were guys who were nice and handsome, and good looking, and smart. After twenty minutes he arrived near the gaybar and turned off the engine as it started to rain.

"Whatever." he mumbled and went outside.

"You know what! Forget it! Maybe it's easy for you but not for me!"

Kurt froze as he heard someone shouting. A voice he knew too good. A voice he missed the last days so much.

"Go home boy, you are drunk as hell."

"I'm not drunk! Fine, whatever." The door into the gaybar closed and Kurt looked around but there was just him and Blaine. A Blaine who wasn't walking but wobbling from side to side as he crossed the street, backwards. His hair was curly, wet like his tight clothes, his jacket open and it was to cold to walk around like this.

"Idiots! You don't know shit about me or what I've been going through!"

He almost fell when Blaine reached the other side of the street.

"I will waaaalk! Walk home and if it takes me daaays! And maybe I won't go home! Maybe I'll find a spaceship and flyyy to the moon where no one can tell me what I should do!"

Kurt stared at Blaine, his wet clothes, his drunken expression, how he turned into his direction, eyes down.

"Assholes. Nothing more than that. 'We will have some fuuuun Blaine', they said, yeah, tonight you'll come out and..."

And then their eyes met and Blaine fell on his ass. What was he talking about? Coming out? Coming out as what? Or from where? Or... Kurt swallowed and went to Blaine. This wasn't a dream right? He wasn't just imagining stuff, right? This was obvious. Blaine came out from this gaybar, was angry, shouting at someone and talking about coming out. This was obvious.

"Fuck." Blaine cried and rubbed his back.

"Yeah, Blaine. Fuck. What is going on?"

"Nothing." Blaine stood up, his gaze unsure, his hands shaking and his voice scratchy. He cleared his throat, looked around and "I... I just got lost and I am waiting for mah taxi."

Anger and relief mixed inside of Kurt. Relief that Blaine was alright, alive and angery because he confused Kurt so much that Kurt was unsure if Blaine lied to him.

"Yeah, sure. They throw you out of this bar, I'm not stupid Blaine."

"You are not! I never said that you are! You are amazing!"

Both became silent as the rain became heavier.

"Fuck." Blaine growled, rubbed his eyes and moved forward, more because he couldn't hold his balance.

"Can you... can we go somewhere else? I just... I want to leave this place and explain you everything."

"You are drunk, are you sure?"

"Goddammit! I am not that drunk! Shit... I didn't want to shout at you. I just... I need to leave this fucking place."

He saw Blaine's desperation, he saw the corners of his mouth moving down and he knew, behind this hand which was hiding Blaine's eyes were tears. He knew, Kurt understood what happened here.

"My place?"

"Please, Kurt."


	9. Chapter 9

What was he thinking? What on earth happened that he did this? Blaine was trembling, his mind was running from thought to thought as he walked through the corridor. He took quick steps, just so Kurt couldn't call after him, couldn't follow him. Finally outside of the building he took a deep breath from the cold November air. _Idiot,_ he thought as he ran with his hand down his face. The taxi was there and he opened the door just give the driver some money and to apologize. He didn't want to be home soon, he didn't want to leave the cold air. He would walk home. He needed some time alone, he needed to move his body. The wine made him still tipsy, made him do things he shouldn't do and more than that, it made him lose his tongue.

He went to the train station and knew the foot way back to Verno and also, that it would take him almost an hour. But Blaine didn't mind because it was necessary, so he walked along the pavement, while some cars drove by and his hands sunk into the pockets of his coat. As long as his mind was still fuzzy and he smelled after alcohol he couldn't go back home. Luckily he just drank what? Two or three glasses of wine? It has been a while since the last time he drank alcohol but he didn't think it would attach him that much. But it did, it did and Blaine wasn't prepared.

Everything felt so right at that moment, _absolutely_ everything and he screwed it up. _Right?_ He wanted to be with Kurt alone, away from train seats, university... away from stranger's eyes. There was his chance and what had he done? He hugged him and kissed his cheek, while he kept on pretending that he was straight. While he kept on... Blaine swallowed hard and wanted to ignore what he was actually doing because he knew it was wrong. So many things were wrong in his life and just one thing was right. Only one thing he wanted to have more than anything and it almost broke his heart because he couldn't have it. A sigh, a small sniff and he kept on walking.

* * *

After an hour he reached Verno and his apartment, seeing the lights were still burning. It was 12:13a.m. and usually Andrew was sleeping. Usually... but today nothing was usual. He didn't go straight home, waiting inside of their kitchen when Andrew was late. He didn't write him a message when he was almost home. Blaine didn't really care about Andrew when Kurt was around. This was a mess. Everything was a mess when he came back home and it was his fault.

He opened the front door and went inside, through the corridor to his apartment, pulling out the keys with shaking hands.

Inside he took off his shoes, his coat and grabbed his bag, moving quietly through the corridor and he saw the burning light in the living room. He tried to hear something, music, the TV, a voice but there was just silence. As he reached the door he pushed it inside and looked around the room. It was a warm colored room with a big TV, a dark brown couch, a table in the middle of the room, a armchair and three shelves filled with books.

Blaine leaned over as he reached the couch and found Andrew there with a book on his face. Good, he was sleeping.

"Where have you been, Blaine?"

Okay, he was not sleeping.

Trying to calm himself down, Blaine turned around heading to his room.

"At Jeff's place." He pulled out his cellphone and wrote Jeff a quick message about what he just said to Andrew. This wasn't the first time he did this.

"You still hang out with those music guys?"

Andrew stood up, his brown hair was sticking out in every direction as he followed Blaine, who left his bag on the floor of his room. They had their bedroom, yeah, but they also needed their own space and right now he was happy about that they made this decision, when they were moving to Verno. Here he could find some comfort even if it wasn't easy at all. He hated what he was doing, he hated to pretend who he not was. And Blaine didn't know how long he has to live this life although he didn't want to live like that.

"And you want to sleep alone again?"

"I'm just not in the mood, okay?"

"Well the last time we cuddled was, let me think, a month ago? It was also the last time we had sex too. So the last time you were in the mood was a month ago?"

Blaine glared at him, eyes unreadable because he didn't know what he should feel or say.

"What happened to my Blaine who liked to cuddle and sleep with me?"

Andrew leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms before his chest, looking through his glasses at Blaine with an intense stare. Blaine had no answer for Andrew. Well he had an answer but he couldn't say it out loud. It would hurt him and Blaine didn't want to hurt Andrew. Instead he took the pain. He was hurt. He was the one who didn't know how to handle all of this. He couldn't leave Andrew... he just can't.

"I'm sorry."

Andrew sighed and stepped inside of the room, pass the bed, to Blaine who was standing next to his desk eyes down. His heart was beating painfully, frightened what Andrew would do. Was it usual to be afraid of his _boyfriend_? No, for sure it wasn't.

"Well if you would come out finally you wouldn't have to fight all of this stuff you are going through."

Andrew put his hand on Blaine's hair, slid down to his cheek, his neck and leaned down to him, placing a sweet kiss on his lips which Blaine tried to respond but he failed. Suddenly Andrew snapped his eyes open, staring at Blaine quizzically and grabbed Blaine's face just to kiss him again, hard. _What the hell?_ Blaine pushed Andrew away, taking two steps backwards and stared at him confused.

"I said I am no..."

"You were drinking, weren't you?"

"What?"

"You were drinking, Blaine! I know how you taste and you don't taste like wine!"

Andrew almost yelled at Blaine and clenched his fist. Fuck! He almost forgot that he was drinking because after the long walk his mind became clear again and he didn't felt that primed anymore. He felt safe and thought Andrew wouldn't find it out because he didn't plan to kiss him tonight. And then he forgot that he drank because there were other things, more important things running through his head.

"I just had three glasses. I'm not drunk."

"It doesn't matter if you are drunk or not! What matters is that you were drinking, Blaine! You broke your promise, only to drink when I am around!"

"I said, I'm sorry, okay?"

He didn't want to fight with anyone right now. He just wanted to sleep and figure out what he might say to Kurt tomorrow. How he could explain what he did without telling Kurt that he was gay. _Ouch!_ Even the thought hurt...

"I told you those music-loving-unreasonable-guys are no good for you! And this whole music stuff is nothing good! Look at all those musicians which died young, because they were drinking, taking drugs or whatever!"

"I don't take drugs and I don't drink. It was just today."

"Yeah, today. Remember the last time you said 'it was just today'?"

Blaine pressed his lips together just to swallow the words that were coming up his throat. _This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair._ Andrew knew exactly what he's been through because he was a part of it. He knew exactly how miserable Blaine felt back then.

"I can't believe you did this." Andrew shook his head and his voice became lower. "Did you forget what I did for you? Do you think it was easy for me to see you suffer? It wasn't Blaine. And I told you all this music stuff, art and all the crap won't help you to get a good, organized and safe life."

Blaine said nothing.

"So if you have time for drinking behind my back, may you have the courage to come out already?"

"Are you insane? You know I can't."

"Oh? You can't? So why do you actually drink and do this music stuff? What about your studies? You were late often telling me you were studying. Were you? Or maybe you were drinking and doing music? Maybe you avoided university? Are you even sure you are gay, Blaine?"

"I was studying!" Now it was Blaine who almost yelled.

"You know what. This weekend we'll go to the gaybar were I have been a couple of times."

"I won't go. I'm meeting some friends from university and we want to study."

"You won't. We are going there on Saturday and until then I want you to stay here, studying."

"But..."

Blaine was shaking, his eyes burning and he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't take all of this anymore. The warm feeling when he came back home was gone, when he saw Andrew he felt no happiness just guilt. This evening, the last pass hours with Kurt just showed him what he needed, what he wanted. He wanted to hold Kurt's hand which was smaller than his, but much stronger, warm and soft. He wanted to talk with him about anything, just to hear his angelic voice and calm down. He wanted to taste Kurt's skin again, which tasted like cinnamon, like the autumn sun, cold and warm at the same time. Like something he couldn't describe exactly but he knew he was addicted to it and it felt so good. It made him feel good. But Blaine knew he couldn't have him. Not now and maybe... never. He started to cry. Not because of Andrew's words, not because of this fight, just because he wanted to have Kurt here. He wanted to go back to him, just to sit next to him and calm down. But there was no way and so he cried. He cried about the mess he made and called it his life.

"Blaine."

Andre sighed and wrapped his arms around Blaine, holding him close and kissing his hair.

"I'm sorry, Andrew."

I can't do this, I have to be thankful, I have to stay here. Blaine cried silently and just stood there while his boyfriend held him. He felt numb, lost and silly. While he was at Kurt's place, listening to him, cooking with him and forgot all his worries he felt so good. This was the life he wanted. A life without this feeling he owed someone his whole life. Without the feeling he lived was living in a golden cage. Because he felt like this since he met Kurt. But he couldn't leave Andrew. He literally owed him his life.

"We'll go there, okay? And until Saturday you'll stay here, calm down and focus on your studies, okay?"

Blaine just nodded.

* * *

Wednesday came and Andrew went to work while Blaine sat in his room between some books about law and headphones on his head. Jeff asked him what was going on, also Wes and Blaine lied again. They both didn't know about Andrew or him being gay. Because if they did, they probably would do something to get Blaine out of this place. They wouldn't mind him being gay, but he wasn't ready. So he told them that he went out with a girl and no one should know it. They wouldn't ask more, they believed him and that was it. And he? If he was really sure about Jeff and Wes not judging him being gay, why didn't he just tell them? Why such a big secret? Why hurting Andrew? He was scared. Blaine was scared as hell and this since Cooper left his family. One wrong step and Blaine knew his parents would do the same thing to him what they did to Cooper. They were intolerant, everything that wasn't like they want it to be or against the 'normal' the didn't want to have around. And being gay wasn't normal for them. He sighed and his head started to hurt so he closed his books and laid down on his bead while he was listening to the song coming out of his headphones.

 _Telling me to go_ – His heart told him to go so many times.  
 _But hands beg me to stay_ – His hands held this place too strong.  
 _Your lips say that you love_ – he did this to Andrew.

 _Your eyes say that you hate_ – He hoped Andrew didn't see this.

He rubbed his eyes and sighed while the lyrics ran through his mind. This. This was exactly the way he felt.

 _There's truth in your lies_ – It felt totally wrong.  
 _Doubt in your faith_ – He almost lost his faith in himself.  
 _All I've got's what you didn't take_ – He didn't want to come out yet.

 _So I, I won't be the one_  
Be the one to leave this  
In pieces 

Blaine wasn't sure about that but it looked like he would be the one.

 _And you, you will be alone_  
Alone with all your secrets  
And regrets, don't lie

He felt alone. He had too many secrets to take. He lied. He lied even to himself.

"Enough." He talked to himself and pulled out his smartphone. He dialed a number, waited and then a familiar voice reached his ear.

"Blaine! I was waiting for your call!"  
"I'm gay."

Silence.

"Blaine?"

"I am gay."

Blaine sniffed, his voice heavy, painful.

"Are you alone?"

"Yes..."

"I'll be right there."

* * *

Never were someone here beside Andrews friends, Andrew and Blaine. He never invited his friends because he was afraid they might find out, what kind of relationship he and Andrew had. Besides here he couldn't be the smiling, in love with music, caring and helping Blaine. Here he couldn't be close to anyone because Andrew would might come up with the 'coming out' thing because his friends were alright. They were alright because the didn't know about him being gay. They made their jokes about gay people, although they never were serious. Blaine didn't want to go through this. He didn't want to come out right now. He had Andrew who was fine with that whole thing... well he was a month ago. Good Andrew wasn't here right now. Nervously Blaine went to the door as the bell ringed and Cooper almost ran inside as Blaine opened the door. Cooper pulled him into a tight hug, his from crying swollen and red face started to hurt like his eyes did.

"Coop..."

"There is nothing wrong with you Blaine! It's okay! I love you no matter what!"

This was his brother, being serious ridiculous but he meant what he said.

"Cooper, I know."

Cooper let off of Blaine and looked at his face with wide eyes.

"Come inside we don't have a lot of time." They both went to Blaine's room, sitting down on the edge of the bed while Cooper still patted Blaine's head. It was a strange and awkward moment for Blaine. He felt little like he once was and Cooper tried to calm him down because he did something stupid and was afraid about their parents. But this here was serious. Really serious.

"You were crying."

"Yes... kind of. Just... no one knows. No one expect you, me and... Andrew."

"Your boyfriend."

Blaine nodded and it felt totally wrong that his heart started to ache. It was once like that or it felt once like that. But since he met Kurt it didn't feel like that anymore.

"That's why you are no longer at our parent's place, right?"

He nodded again.

"No wonder. Dad had kicked you out without a word."

"I..." Blaine tried to find his voice as Cooper took back his hand and laid both down on his knees.

"I knew it since I was seventeen and after I found this out I didn't know what to do. I kept my mouth shut and then I fucked everything up. I fell into a lot of trouble because I couldn't stand who I am and I still can't."

"Blaine... there is nothing wrong with you."

"I know... I know. But you know Mom and Dad. You know what some people think about gay people. I just... I had no one and I tried to make everything alright for me. I tried to pretend I'm straight, that everything was alright. But I just fucked everything up."

Memories he thought he'd lost were coming back. Memories long nights, bottles that were a noise inside his ears, hard, wet ground and his Dad, yelling at him what on earth he was thinking. Memories of strangers that came close to him, stranger voices that were laughing and talking to him. _No, not now,_ Blaine thought and shook his head. He wasn't ready for this, he would hurt himself again like he did yesterday.

"I... I can't talk about what I did... not yet. But Andrew was the one who helped me out of the mess I was captured in. He was the first one I told that... you know." It was hard for him to say that he was gay. Each time he wanted to say this his mouth became dry, hurt and he swallowed it down and said nothing. It wasn't like he hated himself or that he was gay. He was just scared, so scared that it made him numb and he started to suffer because of all the memories.

"It's my fault."

"No, Cooper! This isn't your fault."

"Sure it is. You said nothing about it because you knew what our parents would do to you. You knew they would throw you out of the house. Maybe you didn't understand what happened between us, but you understood that, when you don't do what they say or don't be what they want you to be you'll be in trouble."

That was true, so true that Blaine just stared at his own hands and bit his lower lip. But he didn't want to talk about his parents or what he did. He wanted to have someone he could count on. Someone that would be there for him, when everything was about to break and Blaine knew, soon everything would break between him and Andrew. He just knew it.

"I don't want to talk about this. I... I called you because I couldn't stand it anymore. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of pretending. I need someone I can rely on when everything's about to break."

"You can always rely on me." Cooper smiled and touched Blaine's shoulder who calmed down with relief.

"But don't lie to me."

"That's why I called you."

* * *

He sent a message to Elena, telling her that he was busy and wouldn't come back until Monday. Fortunately she didn't ask why which made everything easier for Blaine. The hardest part so far was telling Cooper about him and Andrew and how he couldn't stay here anymore but had to. Sure Cooper told him that this was stupid because there was enough space in Cooper's apartment for the both of them. But it wasn't about the space, it was about his conscience and about his confused heart. He hoped this hard time with Andrew was just a short period and his feelings for Kurt too. At least he tried to tell this to himself but his heart knew it so much better. He didn't talk about Kurt with Cooper and this had nothing to with that he didn't trust Cooper. It was more like that Kurt was far too precious for Blaine to share him with anyone nor physically or mental. He wanted to keep everything he shared with Kurt just between them two, each conversation, each touch, everything. He wanted to make him happy, he wanted to see the true Kurt and tried to do things that would bring him out of his mess. And every time he thought that he started to laugh at himself. He was living in a mess and tried to help someone else out of his own. He couldn't even handle his own life, could make himself happy and then he wanted to make someone else happy? _Good job Anderson,_ he thought sarcastically. But slowly he did it, right? Cooper knew about his biggest secret and would help Blaine if he needed him. Now Blaine had to get out of his own mess and he knew how. He needed to break up with Andrew. Each time when he wasn't around it was so easy for him to get used to this idea but whenever Andrew stood in front of him he remembered what this guy did for him. He saved his life. He gave him love. He did everything for Blaine just to make him happy. He gave him his whole life and Blaine wanted to stay at Andrew's side, he wanted to show him how grateful he was, how much he meant to him. He wanted to give everything back that Andrew gave him. He wanted to until, slowly, everything between him and Andrew changed. It started before he met Kurt. He and Andrew used to spend evenings together. They were cuddling, watching a movie, sometimes having sex all night long... but then Andrew started to get tired of Blaine's passion for music and art. He wanted Blaine to stop being so 'childish' because he was studying law in this was serious business and nothing you can learn easily.

_I don't even want to study law. But Andrew does it and he'll help me. He is smart. He is wonderful. I love him. I should listen because here I can be who I am._

Those were his thoughts before Andrew changed. Or maybe Blaine changed but he wasn't sure about that. It changed and Blaine was overextended with the whole situation. From Monday until Friday they both were studying and Andrew was also working. He still cared about Blaine, it was almost insane how often he sent him a message asking were he was. _He is worried_ , Blaine told himself. They met at the evenings, were talking about their day and then they went to sleep, sometimes cuddling or more. On weekends Andrew was always at this gay bar in Haston. _I need to get a free mind and dancing is a good medicine if you are overworked,_ Andrew always said and tried to take Blaine with him. But he wasn't ready and he didn't mind to be alone. Everything between them became odd and kind of cold and then he talked to Kurt for the first time and it hit him so hard he couldn't stop thinking about this guy. Blaine never felt this way for Andrew or anyone. He never felt this longing and need for a person. He never felt this need for making someone happy just to be happy too. Everything changed and he didn't know what to do. So he did what he could do the best. He lied and pretended.

* * *

"Why are we here?" Blaine looked out of the window while he sat on the passenger seat and Andrew turned off the engine.

"I told you, didn't I?"

Blaine looked at the buildings, the lights, the people going in and out and heard the music. It was raining, it was late and he was drunk a bit. Right before they left their apartment they had guest, friends from Andrew and Blaine shared some drinks with them (because Andrew allowed him to) and they were sitting on the back seat, giggling, laughing totally drunk. He wasn't that drunk just because he didn't like the feeling of losing control completely.

"Come on Blaine, we'll have some of fuuuun! Tonight you'll come out and you'll feel so muuuuch better!"

They both went out off the car, tipsy, walking to the front door.

"You said we were going out to eat something and having fun."

"Yeah. They have snacks there and there is a lot of fun inside the gay bar."

Blaine swallowed, his heart beating unhealthy. So it would happen tonight? No! He wasn't ready not...

"I'm proud of you, Blaine." Andrew touched his knee and leaned over to kiss Blaine who said nothing and went out of the car as Andrew did it. He would make Andrew happy, right? He would make Andrew happy, everything would be like it was before and he could return to his old life. His old life with Andrew when he was happy, right? His boyfriend took his hand, went inside and as the music reached Blaine's ears and he saw the guys dancing close to each other, kissing each other and looking at him with, more checking him out he could see in their eyes that they liked what they were seeing.

"Andrew."

"Come on, Blaine."

"No."

"Blaine, don't be childish this will be good for you."

"I said no!"

He pulled his hand out of Andrew's grip and stood there, between the front door and his boyfriend.

"Blaine don't be a drama queen."

"I'm not ready yet." He was so grateful that he wasn't this drunk anymore.

"And when will you be? You know what, go. I know how this will end."

"Andrew you have to..."

"I did enough already! What the fuck do I need to do more? Do you want me to beg? I'm not the one who should beg for anything, Blaine."

"Did I say that? I just said I'm not ready yet!"

They both were yelling. Andrew called him stupid, childish, even a loser? Or maybe Blaine heard what he wanted to hear. Well whatever he said or wanted to say Blaine was done with this shit. One of the workers pushed him gently outside.

"You know what! Forget it! Maybe it's easy for you but not for me!" He shouted to Andrew.

Blaine was angry, done with this whole 'we'll have some fun' stuff and wanted to go anywhere but not home. Cooper was living here in Haston so he might call him because although he wasn't _that_ drunk, he was drunk and he didn't want to get more drunk what possibly might happen if he walked alone through the streets. He went backwards, saying stuff, swearing and when he reached the sidewalk, turned around and saw the face he missed the most the last three days he fell on his ass.

He tried to avoid Kurt, he didn't answer his messages, he tried to fix everything between him and Andrew. But now he stood here, right in front of him, beautiful as ever, breath taking and he knew... there was no way he could escape from Kurt. No matter what, their path have crossed and they would do it again and again.

So he gave in, climbed into Kurt's car after exchanging some words and knew... there was no way he could get out of this. He knew his secret was no longer a secret for Kurt and it scared him. The future scared him as hell. Again.


	10. Chapter 10

Blaine managed to hold his tears back but his eyes were red and he avoided to look at Kurt. Again, he screwed it up, right? He was shouting at Kurt, he said something about waiting for a taxi while he knew, Kurt saw what really happened. Desperation and fear mixed inside of him and not one thought crossed his mind. Only emptiness, dark, cold emptiness ruled his head. And Kurt said nothing but the look he gave Blaine, right before they climbed into the car said everything. There was no anger in Kurt's eyes, which was something good Blaine thought, but there were questions and something else but Blaine couldn't tell what it was. For that, his view was too blurry. His arms were wrapped around his body, as if Blaine tried to warm himself and turned away from Kurt so that he only could see his back and closed his eyes.

_It was a old memory, an almost 4 month old memory he was dreaming about. It was the day he and Andrew moved into Andrew's apartment, a warm day early August. Blaine looked different. He had a beard, tired eyes and his clothes were worn out. He was thin, too thin that he looked unhealthy._

" _What do you think?"_

_Andrew asked him as he walked through the apartment, seeing everything was already there. The couch, TV, the kitchen, even his room was done. Before he met Andrew he had a boyfriend living here with him but they broke up and Andrew was looking for a new roommate because of the rent._

" _Is this your stuff?"_

" _Yes. My ex took all his belongings with him when he moved out."_

_Blaine nodded slowly walking into his room as Andrew guided him inside._

" _I know this is all new for you and totally unfamiliar. That's why you have your own room, your own space until you get used to your new life."_

_Blaine looked at the bed, the desk, the empty shelf, the closet and swallowed. The emotions he felt back then were so warm, so balmy, he was overwhelmed by them and that he needed to be close to his boyfriend so he could hold him, help him not to break, to handle all the happiness he was feeling 4 months ago._

" _I love you." He whispered._

_Andrew just smiled, held him close and placed a kiss on Blaine's curls. He didn't sleep on his bed, he didn't need his room. He needed Andrew back then..._

"Blaine, wake up."

He needed him back then, yes, but everything changed so much, that he felt no happiness anymore when he was alone with Andrew.

"Blaine, you'll get sick."

The voice he heard was the one he was longing after. This clear, warm voice from this boy he barely knew but knew that he was broken like Blaine once was... still was. Warm hands touched his shoulders and were shaking him gently. So warm on his wet clothes, so balmy, more balmy than anything he ever considered as balmy. Just this, just him, if he only could have him he would stop lying, pretending, hiding. But he couldn't, right?

Slowly he opened his hurting eyes and blinked twice until he saw Kurt clearly and close. Immediately his heart was pounding fast, his eyes watery, honey and he breathed through his nose, still a bit dizzy from the nap.

"Sorry." He mumbled and felt how Kurt's hands let off of his shoulders and with that he felt cold again and scared. Right, they met at the gay bar, Kurt saw him, heard him and Blaine fell on his ass.

 _I'll explain everything to you_ , his own words crossed his mind and with shaking legs he stood up and Kurt closed the car door. They left the parking lot and walked to the front door from the other side of the building. It was still raining, Blaine's hair was curly again and the emptiness he felt was gone. He wished he could go back to sleep again and pretend this is all a bad dream. He would wake up, in his bed, safe and alone and didn't have to go through this, not yet. They kept silent until they were inside of Kurt's apartment and took off their shoes and jackets, Kurt heading to the bathroom while Blaine stood there, unsure what to say or what to do. All he asked himself was, what Kurt might be thinking right now. Kurt wasn't smiling, his gaze was unreadable and it made Blaine uncomfortable, unsure that he wanted to run away, like he always did.

Kurt came back, a towel in his hand, black sweatpants and a dark green hoodie handing it out to Blaine, who stared at the clothes and the towel quizzically while he tried to calm his heart down and to stay straight although his legs were still more like jelly.

"Take a shower and I'll make some coffee."

Blaine just nodded, taking the things from Kurt without touching him.

"Thanks."

* * *

The shower was a relief for Blaine. First his skin wasn't cold anymore and he didn't have to wear his wet, cold clothes. Second he felt so much better after he got rid off the smell from alcohol, the gel from his hair (which was a mess while they drove to Kurt's apartment) and also he wanted to believe that the feeling of Andrew's kiss and hand was gone. While he rubbed his hair he looked at his reflection in the mirror, chasing after his thoughts. This was all so confusing and exhausting. He and Andrew were on the rocks before Kurt stepped into his life and if he had the chance to go somewhere else, where they knew he was gay and he felt kind of comfortable he had left Andrew for sure. Blaine laughed at himself and shook his head.

_I never had left him, I owe him my life. I can't break his heart._

He had to stop these feelings for Kurt and just be his friend. Like he said it to Kurt, he wanted to be his friend because this was the only way he could be close to Kurt. A deep breath and he left the bathroom, taking his wet clothes with him as he reached the kitchen. There he was again, beautiful, stunning, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.

"Hey." Blaine's voice was quiet but clear.

Kurt turned around, a plate with fruits holding in his hands and a small smile appeared on his lips.

"Feeling better?"

"Much better, thanks again."

Kurt shook his head, took the wet clothes from Blaine and walked to the bathroom (Blaine heard, while he stood in the door frame, how he turned the washing machine on) and came back, pass Blaine and sat at the table.

"Sit down."

Doing what Kurt said Blaine stared at the two cups of coffee and the cut honeydew melon and apples on the plate. His hands were entangled between his tights and his eyes moved slowly to Kurt, who took a sip of his coffee and Blaine finally broke the silence.

"I... I didn't want to lie to you."

Kurt said nothing, just held his cup and avoided Blaine's eyes. Blaine wet his lips with his tongue and felt lost. Did Kurt know it?

"I guess you know it?"

"I don't know what I should believe in, Blaine."

"I mean, you saw it, right?"

Finally, Kurt looked at Blaine, eyes a mix of green and blue, gaze unreadable.

"I saw you at the gay bar, stepping outside. I heard you swearing, I heard your words but I don't want to make any presumptions. Though you said you wanted to explain everything."

"I... I do want to. It's just... no one..." Why was it so hard for him? Why couldn't he just say it out load? Kurt was gay too, he wouldn't judge him for being gay. He said it to Cooper and this was actually the first time he said it, because he was so desperate. Not even Andrew heard him saying this and he was his boyfriend. He was his first kiss, his first time, the one he thought he loved. He thought...

"I'm not straight." Breathless the words came out of his mouth.

"You never came out, I guess?"

Blaine shook his head and dropped it like he felt ashamed of himself. And he kind of did. He knew he was gay for a long time, but as he turned seventeen he truly understood it and tried to find a way to handle it. If he had more courage, more self-awareness and wasn't scared to be thrown out by his parents, everything would be easier, right?

"Does anybody know?"

"Yes."

"So at least you are not alone."

"You... you are not mad at me?" He recognized his words and made a small, shaky laugh: "I... I only make you mad at me. No matter what I'm doing."

Kurt pushed the cup with coffee closer to Blaine, who took it into his hands and the pale too.

"Gosh." Kurt sighed after Blaine took a sip and reached for a honeydew melon piece, "I feel like I don't know you. I thought I did but now... I am not mad at you, I couldn't even if I want to but.." Blaine stopped his chewing as he saw how Kurt blushed. He blushed and looked so adorable! His cheeks became slight red, his eyes had a light sparkle inside them. He couldn't be mad at him? So that meant he liked him, right? _Concentrate, Anderson!_

"But I don't know what to think, Blaine. You do all this stuff for me, you want to be my friend and then you... you kissed my cheek and were gone for three days. You didn't even answer my messages."

Now was it Blaine who blushed and the memory came back like lightning.

"You wanted to explain everything, Blaine. But I know you are not ready. You didn't come out yet and I know how it feels like. I've been through this before and I would be the last person to force you to something."

"It's not like I hate who I am, Kurt. It's just... there are people in my life that wouldn't understand me. Like my parents."

Kurt stood up, came closer and then he pulled Blaine into a tight hug. Again his skin started to burn, his heart was racing and his breath became heavy. This felt so right, so damn right that he forgot about Andrew, forgot about him being his boyfriend. He forgot that he had to be with him because he owed him his life. Forgot everything just to make himself believe this was real. This, Kurt close to him, holding him, calling him his... he wished it would be real but it wasn't.

"Get some rest."

Kurt let off of Blaine and took his cup, put it into the sink.

"Rachel is gone for two months so you don't have to worry about her finding anything out about you."

Blaine began to breath again, looking at Kurt, at this angel he was for him.

"And it's Sunday and you wanted to spent time with me, right?"

"Yes. Yes, I want to and I want to help you."

Kurt took the plate from the table: "Questioning, who needs more help."

Kurt laughed quietly and so did Blaine.

"I told you I don't like to be drunk. I do stupid things when my head is all fuzzy."

"You also said, you like to be here. Actually you said a lot of things the last time you were here."

His hazel eyes looked at Kurt, the smile fading away and a small nod followed. The words he said 3 days ago were all honest, not one of them was a lie. To be here felt comfortable, warm and he never wanted to leave.

"Go, get some rest, Blaine. We can talk tomorrow."

Kurt insisted that Blaine should sleep on his bed, while he would be sleeping in the living room. It was the first night for a long time that he actually slept. No nightmares, no Andrew who could crawl into his bed and snuggle with him. He was even too tired as he laid down to think about something. The certainty Kurt was here, only a wall between them gave him so much comfort and calmed him down as he closed his eyes he immediately fell asleep.

The door opened and Blaine's eyes too. He smelled the scent of coffee mixed with the scent of Kurt and books. Everything in Kurt's room smelled like cinnamon, like the autumn sun and books. Just like Kurt and he loved this scent. It was sweet, warm, the image of a room with a fireplace came up in his mind. There were books, a table with two cups of something that smelled like Christmas and Kurt was sitting on the couch, watching the fire and smiling at him. It didn't matter why this picture came up in his mind but he liked it a lot.

"Did you sleep well?"

Kurt came inside and closed the door with his food and two cups of coffee holding in his hands. Blaine moved his head and pushed himself slowly up, yawing and rubbed his curls.

"Yes... yes." His voice still sleepy but his eyes alert because of Kurt's presents. He moved closer, each movement elegant, beautiful and made Blaine smile. Kurt hit him hard, too hard so that Blaine recognized things he never even seen at Andrew. Kurt sat down on the edge of the bed and handed Blaine a cup.

"Thanks."

"A morning without coffee and I would never leave my bed."

Blaine smiled and his sleepy mind became more and more clear. He noticed how good he felt, his heart calm, his worries gone and happy. Yeah, he was happy and encouraged.

"I don't have to study today. Since I haven't heard anything from you I throw myself into studying and finished everything."

"Thanks to my absence."

"Yeah. Thanks to your absence I was worried like hell." Kurt huffed, "Anyway. I'm free today."

Blaine smiled again just because he liked the thought of being with Kurt for the whole day, but then his smile faded and he looked at his coffee.

"Could we just... stay here? And... talk?"

"Sure."

It didn't feel strange. Nothing felt strange, not Blaine sitting in Kurt's bed, smiling at him or Kurt smiling back like it was the most normal thing on the world.

After a quick shower and breakfast (during breakfast they talked about Rachel's absence) they went back to Kurt's room, where Blaine wanted to be. The scent of Kurt, the books, the notes on the wall, the soft sheets, it felt like the sanctuary he was looking for. They sat down, across each other, enough distance so Blaine was sure Kurt wouldn't hear his heart beat, which was beating fast.

They both stayed silent, avoiding their eyes and it was hard to handle. Blaine wanted and had to say so many things but he didn't know where to start. He didn't want to talk about Andrew, about that he was sure because he was disappointed and angry at Andrew. Blaine might owe him his life, but that didn't mean he was his toy or anything. And that thing what happened yesterday wasn't his boyfriend. This boyfriend he once had became a total stranger to him and he didn't want to be with a total stranger. Now he was happy about telling Cooper that he was gay, so he had a place to go to and his brother would be there for him.

_Cooper..._

Blaine looked at Kurt as he remembered what Cooper did to break the awkward moment between them when they met.

"Hi." Blaine reached out his hand and Kurt took it quizzically, "I'm Blaine Anderson, law student, living in Verno and I love music."

Kurt stared at Blaine and it took some seconds as he started to laugh while Blaine grinned.

"Kurt Hummel, literature student, living in Linoi and I love books."

They laughed for a while as Blaine sighed.

"I said, I would explain everything to you but I don't know where to start, to be honest."

Kurt nodded, made himself sitting comfortable on the bed.

"Then, may I ask you questions? You don't have to answer all of them but..."

"But?" He saw Kurt's face becoming serious, almost pleading.

"Don't lie to me."

Blaine pressed his lips together and looked away from Kurt. Lies were a part of his life he was used to even if he hated lying. They said the truth is always better but for him the truth was something he couldn't choose. If he had been honest to his parents, if he had been honest to anyone he would have been bullied, they would have thrown him out. But he wanted to be honest to Kurt, he wanted to try and so he nodded slowly, swallowing his pain down.

"Your parents don't know about you being gay?"

"No. They are complicated. They changed their mind a bit, but still, they wouldn't accept it."

"Your roommate knows?"

Blaine nodded, trying to keep his anger down.

"And you went to that gay bar to come out?"

"No."

"You were forced?"

Blaine nodded and swallowed again. It wasn't like Andrew kidnapped him, but he didn't want to go there and he would like to blame it on the alcohol, that he didn't do something against it. He held his cup tighter and sighed.

"No one should force you to come out, Blaine. This is a decision only you can make. And if someone doesn't understands that, you should avoid those people."

"I would like to come out. I mean, I don't live with my parents anymore and the people here seem to be nice. But I do this, pretending I am straight for almost three years now and I'm still scared."

When he breaks up with Andrew, at least he wanted to do it, what would happen? What if Andrew would call his parents and tell them that he was gay? What if he would be so disappointed by Blaine that he would tell it everyone? As he recognized what he was actually thinking about _his_ boyfriend, who used to be this lovely, charming and smart guy he once met, Blaine felt a cold sting inside his heard. Everything was more screwed up than he knew, right?

"I already told you that but listen... I did the same. Pretending I was straight.", Kurt sighed and they looked at each other: "But this wasn't me and I had to decide, shall I hide myself and live in a cage living a lie? Or do I stand up for myself? I had my family and friends behind me, which was good, but they couldn't be around me for 24 hours. I was bullied, I was scared, everything. You know, like in the book you read."

"Unexpected Silence?"

"Yes. It stopped after some time and I concentrated on my future, writing stories, looking for a university and here I am, frustrated because of my writers block, and confused because of you. But not angry or anything."

Blaine smiled, his honey eyes almost glowing because he felt this huge joy and the cold faded slowly.

"Kurt, I really meant what I said to you, about you. Everything. And also that I want to help you and be your friend."

Kurt blushed and like some hours ago he looked so adorable that Blaine had to take all his strength not to pull Kurt into a hug.

"Maybe we could help each other. You need help too, Blaine."

Silence until Kurt spoke again.

"You said there were two people knowing about your secret."

"Yes, my big brother."

"Wait!" Kurt's eyes were big, his mouth open, "You said your last name is Anderson? Could it be your brother is Cooper Anderson?"

"How... Oh! Yeah! Gosh, I feel so silly. You study literature and my brother teaches literature."

Kurt shook his head, laughing and then sighing like he couldn't believe it and Blaine was the same.

"I must admit, now that I know he is your brother, you both have a lot in common."

"Well, I don't know about that, but I know it's like our paths are crossing, like we really should be friends."

Kurt said nothing just looked at Blaine quizzically.

"You know, after I kissed your cheek I was like, no, you can't be friends with him, how are you going to explain that, he won't trust you anymore. But now we are here, you know that I am g...", Blaine swallowed "You know... and I feel really, really comfortable here. And I would like to have the courage you have."

He was blabbering, trying to find the words but he was afraid he would lie again. Something inside of him changed in a good way, something he was waiting for but it consumed him so much that it was hard to handle. Maybe it was joy, maybe relief, but it felt like a door he was waiting for to open.

"We'll work on it, okay? Because, I think, I need your help too. Mr. Parker said I should try out new things and also to do the things I avoided."

"I told you! Music is the solution for everything!"

He heard Kurt huff, saw his smile and then he went to his desk to take his laptop.

"Want to watch a movie?"

Blaine nodded with a smirk.

He forgot the title of the movie because the 'movie' Blaine was watching was so much better. He called it ' _Watching Kurt Sleep_ '. After 30 minutes, Kurt fell asleep and cuddled his pillow while Blaine tried to find out, how just one person could be so beautiful while sleeping. He breathed easily, cute and gave Blaine the chance to recognize so many things on Kurt, like his pale skin, his hair which was brighter in the sun at some parts, like his kissable lips ( _kissable, get your shit together Anderson!_ ), like his neck, just everything and Blaine took a shaky breath. If he could he would sit here and just watch Kurt sleeping for hours and never leave this amazing feeling which was burning inside his heart. A feeling he wanted to call home. Maybe it wouldn't be easy just to be his friend, because the feelings he felt were among friendship and just because he felt like this didn't mean Kurt did too. But he cared about Blaine, he wanted to help him and be his friend and Blaine would do anything not to screw this up. Warmly smiling he pulled the blanket to Kurt's shoulder as he heard his smartphone buzzing. He unlocked the display and saw a new message from Andrew. The welcomed warmth faded and the cold feeling came back. Swallowing he opened the message.

4:00 p.m., Andrew:

_Where are you? I've been looking for you for hours and I couldn't find you. I know you are angry and I made a mistake, but I'm sorry, okay? I fucked up yesterday. Please tell me you are okay. Please come home._

Blaine bit his lip and looked away from the display. Home... this wasn't home anymore. The place he shared with Andrew was a golden cage, a place he couldn't sleep or think straight. A place where he kept on pretending and give in. It would be easier just to run away, just to go to Cooper and take the time he needed to get a life at last. But he didn't want to run away, he didn't want to lie anymore.

4:13 p.m., Blaine:

_I'm fine. I'll be back at the evening._

He put his phone on the nightstand, turned his head to Kurt's direction and leaned against the headboard. Was there even a chance that he could be with Kurt? That he could just lay next to him, finding out how it feels like to hold him close for a while? Would he ever get the chance to kiss him once? Just to know how it felt like? Probably not soon, and maybe never because right now he wasn't somebody that was good enough for Kurt. As a friend yes, but not more.

_But one day I'll be somebody. Somebody good enough for you._

* * *

The feeling he had when he came home and stood right before the front door was hard to handle. His whole body was cold, his hands sweaty and his voice lost. It was in every part of his body and made him feel almost numb. If he could he would just take his stuff and leave. One deep breath and Blaine opened the door and looked around. The only light he saw came from the kitchen and the smell of something good reached his nose. Andrew was cooking, like he did every Sunday? Like nothing happened? Like everything was okay? Would he really act like this? Anger came up and Blaine pushed the door open just to see a bouquet with red roses staying in a vase on the dark table. There were two plates with spaghetti and bolognese sauce, one of his favorite food.

And then there was Andrew, sitting at the table, looking through his glasses at him, apologetic and Blaine's anger disappeared and left emptiness.

"Hey sweetheart."

_Don't say that._

Andrew stood up, came close but kept enough distance between them. His green eyes went down, his shoulders moved up as he took a deep breath and down as he exhaled.

"I'm terribly sorry, Blaine. I was angry and worried and I made you angry and uncomfortable."

_This is not okay._

"But you need to understand me too. I just want the best for you."

"And you think forcing me to come out is the best for me?"

"No. No more. I just want you to be happy and if it means you want to wait I'll accept it."

Blaine looked at those green, watery eyes and it hit him so hard, that now it was him who was sorry. No one should look like that because of him. Maybe Andrew didn't look like that because of him but because of what he did to Blaine.

"Blaine." He took his hand and squeezed it, "I'm really sorry about that. It's just, I love you so much and I need you so much, that I am scared to lose you."

Blaine stopped breathing.

"I made a mistake, but, I am a human and no superhero. We made it so far, we helped each other so much."

"You helped me more."

And there he was again, remembering why he couldn't leave this guy. Here he could satisfy his needs, here he had someone who loved him mentally and physically. He owed him his life. He owed him everything and he didn't want to be ungrateful.

Andrew leaned down to Blaine, placed a kiss on his cheek and whispered, "I'm really sorry, but I love you so much."

"I love you too." He whispered against Andrews lips as he kissed him and the words tasted so bad, so, so bad that he regretted them.


	11. Chapter 11

Just a few words and almost everything made sense when Kurt thought about Blaine Anderson. He understood why he wanted to be his friend, why he wanted to make him happy, why he seemed to be confused sometimes and also, why he smiled like the happiest guy on earth. He wanted to be Kurt's friend, surely because he liked Kurt kind of but also because he was gay too. He knew how it felt like to pretend and then to come out as who he really was. Blaine wanted to make him happy because he knew this terrible feeling of not knowing what to do when there is no way out of his own misery. Well, there was a way out but Kurt nor Blaine couldn't see it right now and that leads to the confusion and also to the pretending. Blaine smiled because he didn't want others could see what was happening inside of him and he did a much better job than Kurt.

It had been two weeks now since Kurt knew who Blaine was, or more, what his secret was and since that it was much easier for him to talk with Blaine. Mainly, it was a good thing for his heart. When he realized he had those special feelings for Blaine (it wasn't love but it was something strong) he wanted to eliminate them basically. This didn't work out so he tried to ignore them. Kurt did a good job but as soon as he knew Blaine was gay all of his feelings exploded within his heart. There was hope, a lot of hope, and he almost forgot his priority. It was his book and since Blaine didn't want to come out, he would do nothing to get too close to Blaine until he felt comfortable with himself. Besides, because he felt like this didn't mean Blaine did too. Sure he said and did things that really, really confused Kurt and he wanted to believe that, maybe, in some strange, almost impossible way Blaine liked him more as a friend. He needed time, they needed time, and Kurt didn't want to rush. The things like they were now was good. It was almost even adorable how they were during their breaks together at university and Blaine tried not to act too weird and always looked around when he wanted to talk about the 'you-know-what' stuff (Blaine wasn't used to saying 'I am gay' and it made him nervous). They also spent some time with Cooper and Kurt was happily surprised how alike they were. Not in the way they were, but their smiles and eyes (although Blaine's eyes were green and honey like and Cooper's blue) were the same. Bright, shiny and charming and both had something that reminded Kurt of a puppy. Gosh, these boys would be the reason why his expectations of a boyfriend never come true. He never met someone like the Anderson brothers. Cooper told him about their parents and that they threw him out, because he wanted to become a teacher for literature and not a medical doctor. But he didn't say more because Kurt could see how uncomfortable Blaine became when they were talking about their parents. Also, Kurt found out that Blaine didn't know that 'Unexpected Silence' was his book and this made Cooper a trustful person. Luckily, Blaine didn't know it because this was something Kurt wanted to tell him, some day. Right now was not the time for that. Not before Kurt accepted it and stopped feeling like a failure.

Rachel's absence turned into something Kurt was happy about. Sure he missed her and almost each evening he'd called her (when she wasn't too busy to pick up her phone). Whenever Blaine wanted to he could come to Kurt's place and just be who he was. But Blaine never took this offer from Kurt. He said he had one big exam at the end of the week and he needed to study. But like the Blaine was, he wanted to make it up to Kurt and told him about the Christmas party which took place every year at the university the weekend before Christmas.

They were sitting in their train on their way back home as Blaine told him about that.

"It will be fun and you said you wanted to do the things you avoided for so long."

Kurt sighed and his eyebrows moved closer to each other.

"And you were in Glee club so I bet you know how to sing and dance and have fun."

"I do know, but it's been a while. I don't know if I'll be in the mood. I would probablu just sit there, sip some drinks and get drunk because of frustration."

"You wanted to try new things out and stop avoiding the things that made you once happy."

"I know."

"And this is the best opportunity. Music, new faces, Cooper will be there, I will be there too."

And because of _'I will be there too'_ Kurt gave in.

"You can be pretty stubborn." he said with a annoyed look and voice.

" _Anything you can do, I can do better!_ " Blaine sang with a smirk and wide shiny eyes and Kurt tried not to laugh but he couldn't hold it back completely.

"You are such an idiot, Blaine Anderson. Fine, I'll go."

"Should I pick you up on Saturday?"

"Will this be the date I've been waiting for?"

Was he flirting? Really?

"Could be?"

"You know, a date implies that you pick me up, because Linoi comes after Verno, to go there together, be there and also dance?"

He saw Blaine's smile almost fading and his Adam's apple bobbing.

"Hey, I'm kidding."

And sometimes he felt like he pushed Blaine too far.

"I know. But I guess, it's okay. I'll pick you up, we will appear there together and it will be okay. Elena and the others will be there too and she is always close to me. So no one would mind, I guess."

Kurt never asked Blaine if he used this girl and he didn't want to believe in such a thing. He knew that Blaine had told her that he wasn't interested but he also didn't mind to have her around. Beside his gelled hair and sometimes what he was wearing he never looked like someone would think that he was gay, at first sight. Kurt did it, perhaps because he wanted it.

On Saturday Kurt woke up early to make some shopping. This year he wouldn't spend Christmas with his dad because he and Carole wanted to spent their Christmas in Europe and he wanted it for them too. So this would be the first Christmas Kurt would spent alone and he didn't even care a lot. He wanted to enjoy the holidays, the days he could be all alone and maybe find his muse to write something. But now he couldn't decide if he should buy rice or noodles. He heard some mothers fighting with their children, because the sweets were at the next row of the shelving and it was annoying how loud this boy yelled at his mom. He sighed and looked annoyed through the shelve just to see a blond little boy, sobbing, sniffing with red cheeks. Children. Sometimes they were horrible.

"BUT I WANT THAT CHOCOLATE!"

Kurt dropped the noodles and the rice as he almost jumped and squealed because this boy was even louder.

"Enough!" His mother huffed and took his hand dragging him to the cash desk.

"Children, hm? Good that we are not able to have some."

Kurt looked to his left side and saw a face he definitely didn't miss. Not one second in his life.

"It's been a while pretty boy." Andrew said and picked the packs up which Kurt dropped.

"Thanks." He grumbled and put them into his bag.

"You weren't there anymore. I was looking for you but I guess you never came back?"

"No, because of people like you. Now, if you'll excuse me."

"Hey, just, wait up, okay? I won't do anything."

Kurt huffed and he didn't want any drama or something to happen. He didn't want anything strange to happen but this guy might do something like that. This guy was so charming that it was manipulating and he knew how to look at somebody, how to say things to make them fall for him. He saw it at the gay bar, he saw what Andrew could do, but first he thought this guy was just charming and enjoying to be single. But he wasn't and that's why he was such an asshole.

"You have three minutes, then I'll have to leave." He regretted it, that he came to Haston to do his shopping. Just because he wanted to buy this special juice they didn't have in Linoi.

"You know I really would like to know you and spent some time with you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Just how you look, I've never met someone like you before. You have that something that makes me really curious."

"Do you still have your boyfriend?" Kurt got annoyed, easily annoyed. Everything about this guy annoyed him. It was one thing to be charming and good looking, but if you were an asshole you were one and this guy could be as charming and good looking as possible, Kurt would never fall for him. He only felt sorry about his boyfriend.

"If it means that I could spent some time with you, then I say no."

"You are insane. Really insane. Go find someone else. I guess there are enough people who fall for you."

"I don't like cheap stuff."

Kurt shook his head. This person was really sick and he didn't understand why he didn't just go.

"And you are hard to get and I like challenges."

"Well I am too expensive for you, Andrew." Gosh he even still remembered his name.

"I heard that last weekend too. But later this guy couldn't get enough."

Kurt said nothing and just went. This was enough for him and he didn't want to be totally pissed off. Today was a good day. Blaine would pick him up later, they would go to that party and have some fun.

* * *

At the evening, Kurt was still pissed about this guy. Not as much as he was some hours ago, but just the thought he could meet this guy again in Haston made him huff. He wanted to go to that gay bar some day again and he liked to go shopping in Haston he just wished that he wouldn't meet this idiot again. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Yeah, it was coincidence. Because fate should be something good, at least for him. As he heard the knocking at the door he looked quickly into the mirror. Yes his hair looked good, the dark blue shirt and black tight pants. Rachel would have said, "This is Kurt Hummel!" And yeah, he kind of was the Kurt he once was. A sense for fashion and to look good and also the Kurt who said what he thought. The one that never gave up. He smiled shyly and his eyes started to burn because of the joy. Quickly wiping his eyes he went to the door and opened it just to find something that took his breath away.

"Wow." They both exhaled and then blushed. Blaine looked hot... just hot. His hair was gelled, but not as much as it used to be. Kurt still could see some curls and it was just adorable. Tight jeans, black shoes, a black suit jacket and a dark green shirt.

"Is it too obvious?", Blaine asked.

"What? Your look? No, not at all. You look good, really good." Hot, stunning, breath taking, but Kurt swallowed those words down.

"Here, for you."

His eyes moved to the bouquet with roses. They were a mix of yellow, red and orange and just beautiful. He let Blaine in and took the roses into his hands, trying to breath.

"Thank you."

"A date implies flowers, right?"

Kurt stopped sniffing at the flowers and raised both eyebrows, while Blaine just smiled shyly.

"It does." _Oh my God_ , Kurt thought and he tried to calm his heart down. Either Blaine didn't know what friendship was, or he was just nice, or there was more. Kurt didn't know but he tried, so hard, to keep his hopes down.

"Look, I was thinking about this 'date' stuff and I know, I am not out yet but... I want this evening to be amazing and wonderful. And even if it's not a date, well I don't know what this is anyway, but... the flowers are a 'thank you' for coming with me. I know how much you don't like to party."

"It's okay, Blaine. If I didn't really want to go I wouldn't."

Kurt went to the kitchen, to put the flowers into a vase filled with some water. Then he went back to Blaine which pulled on his coat and scarf, like Kurt did.

"Let it be a half-date."

"A half-date?"

"Yeah. I guess you won't buy me any lunch tonight or dance with me. But you picked me up and gave me flowers. So yeah, it's a half-date. Besides we go there as friends."

"Right." Blaine smiled again and Kurt didn't want to think about the other possibilities he didn't say. Like holding hands, like kissing. No, this would definitely not happen.

* * *

For Kurt's surprise he wasn't that annoyed as they arrived at their university and went to the sports hall, which looked more like a for-Christmas-decorated-concert-hall. Everything was green, white and red, small lights were shining at the walls, on the tables and a bunch of people filled the hall. On the left side were the drinks and the food, tables and chairs, like on the ride side. At the other end of the hall was stage, five guys were playing songs and the crowd was dancing.

"Cooper wrote we should wait here."

Kurt nodded and they both took their coats and scarfs off. It didn't take long and there Cooper was, with three red cups in his hands.

"Look who's there. Two stunning young men!"

They both grinned at him and went to a free table.

"Are you drunk already?" Blaine asked his brother as they sat down.

"Why? Are you here to keep an eye on me? Little brother?"

"No, I just don't want to be the one who takes you home."

"Don't worry, I have some stuff to do tomorrow so I won't drink a lot."

"Good. I'll be right back. Elena and the others are asking where I am."

Kurt watched Blaine until he disappeared within the crowd and then he looked at Cooper who smiled at him with bright eyes and in the background they sang the Christmas song hula hoop and the crowd was singing.

"Thank you for not telling Blaine about my book."

"No need, Kurt. I was surprised when Blaine told me about it but now I understand."

"Me too."

Cooper looked around, being sure no one would come and talk to them or listen to their conversation.

"I'm just sorry I wasn't there when Blaine needed me. But now I can be there and you guys are friends, so I hope for now things will get better, for all of us."

Kurt nodded at took a sip from his drink.

"So what is this between you and my brother?"

Kurt saw Cooper's wide grin, his eyes still bright and again he looked for Blaine but couldn't find him. He tried to be as unaffected as possible but he blushed.

"We are friends. Good friends. We kind of help each other to get out of the mess we are captured in."

"Yeah, you both are living in a pretty mess. Buuuut. It's almost Christmas and we are here to celebrate."

The song changed and Blaine came back, together with Elena, Michael and Vincent.

"Hey Kurt and Mr. Anderson." They greeted them and took their chairs. Blaine sitting next to Kurt and Elena, while Michael and Vincent sat across them, and Cooper next to Kurt. Michael and Vincent were talking about the last exam they had and how horrible it was. Together with Cooper they made some jokes about the teacher, who made the exam. They shared some laughs, Vincent was coughing because he laughed so hard and Elena called him an idiot, because he was always acting like one.

"Wow! This is a good one! Come on guys let's dance!" Cooper jumped off his chair and Michael and Vincent followed him into the crowd, dragging Elena with them, while Blaine shook his head, as she tried to take him with her. And then they were between all the students and teachers, dancing.

_Now you've been bad, and it goes on and on and on_  
'til you come home babe, 'til you come home  
You taste best, the poison I've learned to love is gone.  
I'm all alone baby, I'm all alone.

"Are you okay?" Blaine asked and Kurt saw the worry in his honey, which were more green than usual. Probably this happened with his eyes, when he was sad or worried?

"Sure I am. I'm just trying to find out if I get my dance today."

"You mean me?" Blaine looked around, as he said it.

_I'm waiting for something, always waiting_  
Feeling nothing, wondering if it'll ever change  
And then I give a little more, oh babe ohhh  
Give a little more, oh babe ohhh 

"Not in particular. Don't worry, Blaine, I probably will dance alone or with some girls from my class. I don't know any other gay guys here."

Kurt smiled and he really didn't care if he would be dancing tonight or not. But he would show up with his fellow students, because he told them he would be here and in the last couple of weeks they came along with each other.

"Kurt." Blaine took his hand under the table so no one could see them.

_I'm not falling in love with ya, I'm not falling in love_  
I'm not falling in love with ya, I'm not falling in love  
'til I get a little more from you baby ohhh  
Get a little more from you baby 

He stared at his hand, his hand and Blaine's hand and felt his heart beat up to his throat.

"I would really like to dance with you. I guess no one would even care."

_You were wrong for turning me on and on and on_  
And on and on  
You make it so hard

"They would care, Blaine. I know that. It's okay, don't worry." He squeezed his hand and smiled. Blaine squeezed back, rubbed with his thumb over Kurt's skin and still looked at him like he felt terribly sorry. I shiver went down his spine as he felt this little touch. Everything started to get warm. His heart, his ears and he wished, he begged no one could see it.

_I'm waiting for something, always waiting_  
Feeling nothing, wondering if it'll ever change  
And then I give a little more, oh babe ohhh  
Give a little more, oh babe ohhh 

Blaine was making this hard, he was giving Kurt this little things and made it so hard for him to be his friend. It was his everything, his face, his eyes, just everything that made Kurt almost addicted for more. There were thousands of things he didn't know or didn't see. But not now, not here. No, he wouldn't fall in love today. He wouldn't admit it to himself today.

_I have no defense  
I know you're gonna get me in the end. _

"Kurt!" A girl called his name.

_And I cannot pretend  
I never want to feel this way again ohhh._

Blaine let off of his hand and smiled at the blond girl, which Kurt forgot her name and finally, finally the song changed.

"Hey." He greeted her and knew her face.

"The others are there waiting for you to drink something with us."

_Oh yes! Please!_ Kurt didn't want to go but he needed to. He needed some space between him and Blaine for a while. Otherwise, he would do something that wasn't good for them or Blaine would do it. It didn't matter who would it be but it wasn't the time for that.

Fortunately, Cooper and the others came back as Kurt stood up.

"I'll be right back." He smiled and saw Blaine smiling too and nodding.

It took Kurt longer than expected and it was boring as hell at the beginning. They barely knew each other and after some drinks they started to laugh and he actually had some fun with those guys. Sure, he kept on thinking about Blaine, about the feeling from his larger hand, his look, this beautiful eyes that reminded him of his morning coffee mixed with milk. Blaine smelled like coffee and raspberry. But also like the first day of autumn, his favorite season. Strange, this was strange. He never compared his boyfriends to something like fragrances or seasons. But none of his boyfriends meant so much to him like Blaine did. Yeah, he was precious for Kurt and he thanked his fuzzy mind, that he admitted this to himself. After a while he decided to stop drinking or he would get drunk. He needed to think straight, walk straight because he would leave this place with Blaine.

Suddenly he heard a song that he knew far too good. Really too good. It was Single Ladies and he looked at the girls from his class which started to dance the dance. The boys were clapping their hands, whistling and Kurt sighed as he saw their movements.

"Ladies. That's how it done!"

He joined in ( _Blame it on the alcohol!_ _Kurt thought to himself because usually he wouldn't dance_ ), and started to dance and the girls with him. He wasn't surprised that he didn't forget any step, any move with his hips, his hands, because he was practicing this dance more than once. Probably a thousand times. But it helped, he forgot for a while about what happened and chased his memories. His good memories and as the song came to an end they were all clapping and the girl almost screamed because they were positively surprised. Kurt just laughed.

"Wow! Kurt! Since when do you... just how?!" Cooper started to babble as Kurt came back and found out that they saw him dancing. He was sweating, still out of breath and just shrugged.

"I was in glee club in high school."

"Amazing, really!"

Kurt smiled slightly embarrassed and looked at the other faces, all smiling and amazed just Blaine looked at him, like he was someone that just did something, that wasn't okay. It hit Kurt, it hit him so much that his smile faded and Blaine stood up.

"We need to go. It's late and you still have to finish your Christmas homework, right Kurt?"

It wasn't just Kurt who looked confused, it was also Cooper who wanted to say something but Kurt was faster.

"Yeah, right."

They said their goodbyes, took their coats and left the hall. Kurt waited until they were outside and wanted to say something to Blaine, who just kept on walking.

* * *

"Blaine, wait!" He closed his coat, tied his scarf closer to his throat and followed Blaine, who didn't walk to the train station but to the botanic garden. He understood nothing. Did he make Blaine upset? Or what happened when he wasn't there? Gosh, it drove him crazy because he didn't want to make Blaine angry or something.

Finally, Blaine stood still and turned around. His cheeks red like Kurt's because of the cold air.

"What happened?" Kurt asked and titled his head.

"I.. I just wanted to go."

"You almost escaped out of there. So what happened?"

Blaine sighed, bit his lower lip and scratched the back of his head.

"It's nothing, really. I just, I thought we could get out of there and..."

"And?"

"I just wanted to be alone with you."

"Oh."

"Yes, oh! Gosh, you make saying stuff I don't want to say."

"And you make me think stuff I don't want to think."

_Blame it on the alcohol!Blame it on the alcohol!_

"I'm sorry, Blaine."

Blaine looked around and then, when he was sure about them being alone, he took Kurt's hand and dragged him between the trees, as it suddenly started to snow. Small little flakes which became bigger and bigger. This was too romantic, so romantic Kurt wanted to laugh, but he didn't. He was kind of rude while Blaine opened himself. He was confused, because of everything that Blaine gave him. Just everything was so god damn confusing right now.

Blaines mind was fuzzy, yes, but he knew exactly what he was doing. As he saw Kurt dancing, saw how he could dance, saw the girls and guys around him, he became jealous. So jealous about the others and so amazed by Kurt. How could someone be real? How could he be this angel, this human and then just hot like he was something that wasn't allowed to exist?

"This is so romantic right now, I can't handle it." He heard Kurt laugh. Yeah, this was kind of too much right now. Snow, they were alone, he was holding Kurt's hand and then he heard the next song.

_So little to say but so much time_   
_despite my empty mouth_   
_the words are in my mind_

"Oh my god, just no!" Kurt whined and then kept his laugh down as he heard the song.

Blaine just grinned and squeezed Kurt's hand as his bright eyes caught Kurt's blue one, which were as bright as his.

"Dance with me."

_please wear the face, the one where you smile_  
 _because you lighten up my heart_  
 _when i start to cry_

"Are you sure? What if someone comes?"

Blaine nodded, moved closer and put his left hand on Kurt's back while the right one was holding Kurt's left hand and he sighed, gave him a shy smile and Blaine grinned again as Kurt placed his other hand on his shoulder.

"I was never more sure about something." And they started to dance, slowly, while it was snowing. Blaine forgot the time, but he knew it was pretty late. The lights from the road almost didn't reach them, but luckily the snow was so bright, Blaine could see were he was leading Kurt.

_forgive me first love_  
 _but i'm tired_  
 _i need to get away_  
 _to feel again_  
 _try to understand why_

He looked at Kurt, his flushed cheeks, his watery eyes and that shy smile. Too beautiful, he was too beautiful that Blaine was thankful as Kurt leaned closer and leaned his head against his neck, as his arms moved around Blaine's shoulders and his around Kurt's back. Kurt was a bit taller than him but it wasn't that much that he couldn't be comfortable. He was more than comfortable and the song just said what he was thinking.

_don't get so close to change my mind_   
_please whipe that look out of your eyes_   
_it's bribing me to doubt myself_   
_simply it's tiring_

_this love has dried up_  
 _and stayed behind_  
 _and if i stay I'll_  
 _be alive_

He was sorry and this love he felt for Andrew was dried up. Everything he wanted, that made him feel so good like nothing else was here, in his arms. Sure, there were so many things he didn't know about Kurt, so many things he still got to figure out but he just knew, it would be all what he wanted. He just knew it and didn't want to lose this.

"I... I can't be your friend, Kurt." He whispered and moved his head back, just to lean his forehead against Kurt's as he looked at him, confused. Yes, he confused Kurt a lot tonight and he was sorry.

Still, they were dancing and he forgot everything around them. Just the words from the song were in the back of his mind but everything else was focused on this boy in his arms.

_then choke on words I'd always hide_  
 _excuse me first love but we're through_  
 _I need to taste the kiss from someone new_

He looked into Kurt's blue and green eyes, to his lips and then he titled his head a bit, moved forward and placed a kiss on Kurt's lips as he closed his eyes.

_forgive me first love but I'm too tired  
I'm bored to say the least that I, I lack desire_

_forgive me first love..._


	12. Chapter 12

They were soft, so soft and warm. Those kissable lips felt better than he imagined and he wanted so much more. He wanted more of this overwhelming feeling which made his mind drunk and his body shiver, delightful. He wanted to stay just right here and kiss this boy forever. And as Kurt respond the kiss he was sure he did nothing wrong. How could this even be wrong? There was no way it could be wrong. Both hands were placed around Kurt's face to pull him a bit closer and the skin under his fingers was burning that it almost hurt. It was Kurt who stopped the sweet, not too intensive kiss and placed his hands on Blaine's.

"Your hands are too cold." He said his voice breathless and whispering.

"You are too.. warm." He wanted to say hot but he didn't felt it was the right time to say this. They smiled, faces burning and Blaine took Kurt's hand into his and leaded them to his lips, kissing the knuckles as he sighed happily. Each snowflake that fell on his face and on Kurt's melted immediately and it prickled. Everything just prickled in such a good way that he thought he was dreaming. But he wasn't, he wasn't at all.

"We... should go." Kurt was the one who broke the silence.

Blaine nodded and remembered where they were. They were in public, each moment someone could appear and see them, maybe someone even saw them kissing, but Blaine didn't care and that was something new for him. He never kissed Andrew in public, he never hugged Andrew or held his hand in public. No one ever made Blaine do this but Kurt. He didn't understand how but this boy made him feel so good, made him do things he was always afraid of and probably, like he thought some days ago, it was fate that he met him.

"Yes, we should."

As they went back to the train station neither of them said a word. They just smiled at each other, almost like idiots with flushed faces, each time they looked at each other. He wanted to hold Kurt's hand so badly, he wanted to show him what this kiss meant for him, the whole way back to the train station and as they arrived there and went into the steam train, he felt more brave to do it. But he waited and both took their coats off, sat on their usual seats, across each other and just smiled. The small lamp on the little table had a warm light and it made Kurt look so adorable with his pink cheeks. No, he couldn't wait any longer. As soon as the train started to move, Blaine stood up, looked to the right and left and as he was sure, no one was there, no one would come he turned around to Kurt. His blue eyes showed him that he was waiting for Blaine to do something, to break this silence and kind of awkwardness. Responding with a big smile and sparkling eyes he grabbed Kurt's hand and bowed down to kiss his cheek.

"You're okay?"

"More than that."

Blaine kissed his hand and sat down next to him, holding Kurt's hand.

"You were wrong about yourself."

"About what?"

"You have the courage, Blaine. And I think you are stronger than you know."

Blaine smiled, caught Kurt's look and then he leaned back, sighing and felt how Kurt entwined their fingers. When he was this close to Kurt and after the kiss, he wasn't scared anymore about his future. If this would work out, he knew, his future would be good and turn into the life he always wanted to have. A life in which he didn't have to pretend, a life where he was happy with someone who loved him and he would love him back. A life where he could do what he loved, no law studies, no people who say what he should do and what not. No drunken, gay idiots that forced him to come out. Just happiness and nothing more.

"No. I am not there yet. I'm not that somebody I want to be."

"Don't be so hard to you."

Kurt leaned against Blaine's shoulder. And as they sat there, quiet, just the noise of the train and their own heartbeats. Blaine felt guilt. He was disgusted with himself, because he was cheating. He was and it was wrong, even if he finally understood that this relationship with Andrew had no future but he was still his boyfriend. There was no big break up speech, no word about that they were done. Still he kissed Kurt, wanted him, did what he wanted to do for so long otherwise he would have exploded or done something really stupid. Not that this wasn't stupid too, because it was. So what now? Should he tell it Kurt and fuck everything up? Did it even matter at all to say, that he was still with Andrew but would break up with him as soon as he saw him (which would be tomorrow)? And what would Andrew say? Fortunately, he wasn't going to meet him tonight, because he smelled after alcohol and after Kurt and Andrew did somehow smell everything new on Blaine. The day he came back home, when he slept at Kurt's place Andrew smelled the different scent which Blaine called simply Kurt. Andrew just mentioned it but it was enough to make Blaine freak out inside. Gosh... this all was a total mess but he didn't regret that he kissed Kurt. No, never. It was the best thing that ever happened in his god damn life.

"Blaine, you're shaking."

"I am?"

He didn't recognized it until Kurt said it and he breathed in deeply, trying to calm down.

"I'm... I'm just happy."

He squeezed Kurt's hand, heard his sigh and just closed his eyes. He wouldn't tell it. He would break up with Andrew and wouldn't have to lie anymore. No more.

During their way back they just sat there silently and holding hands. There was no need for words and Blaine was thankful for that because he didn't trust his own mouth. Only Kurt's body heat, his hand in his own was enough for him. Sometimes he turned his head so he could place a little kiss on Kurt's hair and breathed in his smell. Still he was attentive, watching and listening if someone was coming. He wished he could sit here forever but then he heard the announcement. The warmth on his shoulders faded and his eyes followed Kurt's movement, as he sighed and stood up.

"Thanks for this evening, Blaine."

Their hands dissolved so Kurt could take his coat.

"I'm the one who has to thank you. I did a lot of things I usually would never do."

"You are one to talk. I still don't like music and went to a party. Thanks to my drunken mind I could enjoy it and actually even dance."

Blaine swallowed as he remembered how Kurt danced and how much it blew his mind as he saw this.

"But you enjoyed it. I saw you dancing there."

Kurt smiled and tied his scarf around his neck.

"I enjoyed a lot tonight."

There was this feeling of loss coming up and Blaine didn't want to be away from Kurt. At the moment he couldn't hold his hand anymore he wanted it back. He wanted to kiss him more, to spent more time with him and his mind was running from reason to reason, why he should go with Kurt. Andrew would be back tomorrow in the evening and, even if he didn't know how to call that between him and Kurt he wanted to be with him. No matter where, but he wanted to be with him.

"The... the night isn't over yet." He stood up as he saw the lights from the town: "I would like to go with you. To your place."

Kurt raised his eyebrows, still smiling and maybe Blaine went to far? Was it too much?

"I promise I won't do anything you don't want to do. I just... I want to be close to you a little while longer."

"You are welcome to, Blaine."

* * *

As soon as Kurt closed the door to his apartment Blaine swore his heart beat was so loud, that even Kurt could hear it. Here he could kiss him until his lips were numb, he could hold him until his whole body was burning, and he blushed as this thought crossed his mind. If this all worked out he could even have sex with him and he wasn't even embarrassed to think this. He was nineteen, he was young and a guy with needs. And yes, he wanted to have sex with Kurt but not tonight. Not until he was completely free and he promised he wouldn't do anything that Kurt didn't want to.

He looked at this wonderful boy, his eyes, his shy, lovely smile and Blaine felt that they both were nervous. Just two months, on Christmas it will be two month since he talked to Kurt for the first time and he turned his world upside down. And he knew he did the same for Kurt. At the beginning he was cold, so cold and he never smiled. He was so frustrated about his writers block, he was pissed off by himself. Yeah, they had different struggles to go through, but he understood this frustration, he understood this feeling of not moving forward.

"Stop smiling so stupidly, you make me nervous."

Blaine smirked and grabbed Kurt's hands, moving closer to kiss him. Slowly, lovely, not too intense but it was Kurt who wanted more. He sucked at Blaine's upper lip, let off after some seconds and Blaine chased after his lips. Willingly, sliding his tongue against Kurt's lips, begging for entrance and as Kurt let his tongue in Blaine almost forgot what he actually wanted to do. The kiss was just tongue, lips, it made his body shiver and he just broke it to breath again. But he kept being close, wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist and placed a shaky kiss on his neck.

"There are things I need to tell you." He almost whispered and Kurt simply nodded.

"But all this snow made me thirsty and what do you think about some hot chocolate?"

He looked into these shiny blue eyes, blown by the heat they were feeling. Those eyes were too amazing to look away, too intoxicating. A small nod, a last kiss and Blaine let off of Kurt and walked to his room. He pulled his suit jacket off, unbuttoned his shirt around his neck and the cold air on his skin calmed him down. Still, it was hard to believe that he wasn't dreaming. He was here again in Kurt's room and breathed deeply in as he smelled this familiar smell. Still, there was this stupid smile on his face, as if everything was perfectly fine. Right now it was like this and the worries could wait until tomorrow. Blaine went to the window, watching the snow still falling and the snow covered streets. Warm streetlights were shining down and the tree before Kurt's window made it almost impossible to look inside his room. Not that he would mind but it gave him a good feeling.

Kurt came back and Blaine walked to him, taking one cup into his hand and closed the door, _like a gentlemen should do it_ , he thought.

"I can do that by myself."

"I know, but I want to treat you like you deserve." Blaine grinned and went back to the window.

"Oh, really? And what way of treatment do I deserve?"

Kurt took two chairs to his window, sitting across Blaine and crossing his legs as he sipped his chocolate. He took a sip too, left his cup on the windowsill and reached out for Kurt's hand, a small kiss on his knuckles and he didn't even think about to let go of his hand.

"I guess I can live with this kind of treatment."

A small smile and then he started to draw circles on the back of Kurt's hand, sighing as he searched for the words to say. It was almost 2a.m. And he was not sleepy.

"I hope you won't think that I am a bad person, when you hear what I want to say. But I want you to know some things from my past 3 years."

Kurt just nodded and leaned forward, putting his other hand on Blaine's.

"When I understood that I... I am..."

"Gay." Kurt said it and smiled trustfully.

"Yes... gay." Blaine swallowed, "I didn't know what to do. First I ignored it, dated some girl just so my parents thought everything was okay with me. I couldn't do this for too long because it was wrong and I didn't want to break anyone's heart. So I tried to focus on all my school stuff, which university I should choose, all this normal stuff. It worked for a while but then there was this boy at my school, the only openly gay kid and I was jealous. Sure they bullied him, but after him more guys came out and I was just jealous, I wanted this too."

Blaine breathed in, his smile gone and his eyes went down from Kurt's blue one to their hands.

"To come out was not possible for me because I needed my parents. You know what they did to Cooper, just because he wanted to be a teacher. I didn't know where Cooper was and I was so afraid to be homeless. So I said nothing and started to drink. It wasn't hard to get some stuff, because my father had a lot. So it was like that. From Monday to Friday I had my homework to focus on. On weekends I just drank. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my friends. There were enough reasons to make a party and as long as my grades were the best my parents said nothing."

Blaine smiled sadly as the memory of his last year at his parent's place came back.

"After my last year of school I started to avoid my parents and friends and just went outside. I was eighteen, I could do what I want and the money I had I spent for bars."

He kept his eyes on their hands, felt Kurt squeezing his but he didn't look into his eyes. Maybe he would see something that he didn't like? Disappointment, disgust, anger? Anyway, he needed Kurt to know all of this.

"First, it was just going from bar to bar. I wanted to drown my worries down, my needs, my wishes, I wanted to be straight for a while but I knew, I wouldn't. I am who I am, I kind of admitted it to myself. Well I thought I did. So, since I was kind of addicted to being drunk I visited some websites. You know those special dating sites and met some guys away from my hometown."

He started to shake as the memories came back. The faces were all blurry and the rooms all dark, but the feeling of someone too close, someone touching him, kissing him, while he was drunk wasn't that blurry at all.

"I never had sex with anyone. Never. I was too scared and not ready. I just had some huge make outs, which isn't any better. I barely knew those guys. We just met, had some drinks and went to their place making out but as it went too far I stopped and some of them understood some of them didn't."

A drunken mind, even if he wasn't that drunk right now, made people do really stupid things. Sometimes the moral was gone and sometimes people did stuff they would never do because they were too shy, too scared or whatever. Blaine never wanted to be drunk again, never do stupid things again, but, if he weren't drunk tonight he wouldn't be here. Nothing had happened and for the first time he didn't hate himself for drinking.

Again Kurt squeezed his hand and took an audible high breath, "Did they..."

"Beat me?" Blaine glanced into Kurt's eyes and found worry and disbelieve so he focused back on their hands, "Yes. I had some fights, sometimes I had bruises, sometimes so bad that my eye was swollen. At the same time, when I started to avoid my parents and friends, started drinking and meeting random guys, I had a lot of fights with my parents. He beat me once, but it was my fault. I came home, totally drunk, the bottle still in my hand and he was disgusted with me."

Blaine's smile returned, holding Kurt's hands tight.

"It took a while but now I am here. I don't drink myself numb anymore, I don't jump from bed to bed. I changed my life last August and moved to Verno."

"Alone?"

Blaine shook his head, looked into Kurt's eyes and didn't want to think about Andrew. There was no need to talk about him because he turned into someone Blaine didn't know anymore.

"There was someone who helped me. Someone I once knew but not anymore. He was kind of a boyfriend, I shared my first time with him, kept me away from trouble and bars, until he became trouble for me. We broke up... but what matters is, that you know what I've been through. That you know who I was, before... well, before this whole thing here between us turns into something really serious."

He touched Kurt's hand fondly, stroked the back of his hand, "At least, I want this to be serious although I am not out and maybe a bad person."

"You are not a bad person, Blaine."

He looked up, right into Kurt's watery eyes and it gave him a light shock. His eyes were red, watery and Blaine couldn't recognize why. Was it because he was angry? Or sad? Or did he hurt him? No, he didn't want to hurt him!

"You are not." Kurt sobbed, stood up and took Blaine's face into his hands just to kiss his lips. He was shaking, sobbing and Blaine stood up too, pulling Kurt into a hug and trying to calm him down. He should be the one crying but he wasn't.

"Hey, calm down. Why are you crying?"

He rubbed the back of Kurt's head, his back and felt the warm tears falling on his neck.

"Because... because of the things you've been through, you idiot."

"Kurt..." Blaine just whispered and pulled back, kissing the tears away: "It's over. I am here now, with you and I've been never this happy before."

He smiled as Kurt wiped his tears away and sighed, calming down slowly.

"Even if this is just for one night, I will always remember this and be happy."

"You really think that this isn't serious?" Kurt sniffed.

"I want it to be."

"Me too." Kurt lightly smiled and shared another kiss with Blaine.

* * *

They shared some kisses, while Kurt sat on Blaine's lap, stroking his hair, being close just like he wanted to show Blaine he wasn't alone anymore and drank up their hot chocolate. No one really felt tired but it was kind of uncomfortable to sit there for a while so they both changed into sweatpants and t-shirts (Kurt gave Blaine some of his which were a bit too big for him but he didn't mind at all) and snuggled together in Kurt's bed. Kurt told him about his father, his stepmother and stepbrother and for Blaine this family was amazing. They were there for Kurt no matter what and he never had to look for a another place he could call home. He told him about his mother, that she died when he was 8 years old and that he still missed her. And Blaine just pulled him closer, kissing his forehead as he kept on talking.

"You know, my life was a mess for the last few months because the memories came back. She loved music so much, she always sang something for me and I had this awesome idea for a story, but I couldn't write along. I was so frustrated, I started to hate music because it hurt so bad."

"I'm sorry if I hurt you." He stroked Kurt's arm and looked at him, worried, but Kurt smiled.

"You know, I started to like your music."

There it was again, his fast heart, the endless joy he was feeling and he held himself up with his elbow just to have a better view of Kurt.

"Oh, really? So I can sing you a lullaby? Let me think, I know a lot of songs I could sing for you, like..."

"Don't even start, Blaine Anderson." Kurt pressed his hand against Blaine's mouth and laughed quietly. Blaine said something against Kurt's palm.

"What?" Kurt smirked and Blaine rolled his eyes, huffing. Finally, Kurt pulled his hand away and Blaine said it again.

"You should kiss me."  
"So you won't sing?"

"I guess I'll be too busy to sing, if you would kiss me."

"And what if I don't want to?"

"I don't believe you." Blaine leaned down and kissed him. He didn't count the kisses they've shared tonight but they felt more sure, more familiar, and it was almost like their mouths were meant for each other. Kurt hummed and was satisfied, his hand in Blaine's hair on the back of his head and pulled him closer. Lovely, but wanting he kissed him and played with Kurt's lips but didn't use his tongue. He wanted this night to be just gentle, sweet and everything else would come.

"We should sleep." Kurt whispered and Blaine nodded, laying down next to Kurt, who snuggled closer, his head under Blaine's chin, his breath hot against Blaine's neck and Blaine just held him close, one last kiss on Kurt's hair as he closed his eyes.


	13. Chapter 13

**From: Nathan. Mall**

**To: Damien Talon**

_Hello Mr. Talon,_

_I've been busy the couple last days, trying out what you said to me, how I can make myself happy and it really helped me. I'm not there yet, where I want to be, but I think I'm on a good way. I even started to re-read your book and wrote some notes down for myself. Like in the chapter where Leon says to his best friend that he is gay I found the courage to do the same and right after I came back home, I wrote down what I felt at that moment. It felt like I opened a tight tie around my neck so I could breath again. It felt like one of the many invisible wounds have stopped bleeding. And the hug my friend gave me was like a sanity rain on my skin. I could feel my soul again, my heartbeat. I even shivered because of all the life I felt deep inside me. It was amazing. Did Leon felt like that too?_

_Sincerely,_

_and Merry Christmas and a happy new year!_

_N.M._

**To: Nathan Mall**

**From: Damien Talon**

_Hello Nathan,_

_I'm really happy for you that you found someone you can talk to, I mean like a real face-to-face conversation. To think this happened because of what I just wrote to you reminds me of the power of words. There are so many words we can use to describe something. So many words I don't know. But they are just a hint of what we really feel. Words will never come close to a feeling but they open the door for us to feel something. Happiness, sadness, joy, anger, everything. I guess Leon felt the same way, but he would use different words just because his feelings were different. But, yes, it feels like that too. I wonder if I'll be able to re-write this book, to change it a bit. I feel like I opened a door I was looking for and I want to step inside and this might be silly and risky but, I would like you to read the first chapter. I believe that I can trust you. Your words and the way you opened yourself to me through words really did something with me. Something good. Holidays are coming and I'll find a lot of time to write something._

_I wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year too._

_Sincerely,_

_D.M._

* * *

9:00 a.m., Cooper:

_Tell me I just imagine stuff and this isn't happening._

9:05 a.m., Blaine:

_Good Morning to too you, brother._

9:06 a.m., Cooper:

_Where are you? And answer my last message._

9:08 a.m., Blaine:

_I don't know what you are talking about. And are you at my place?_

9:13 a.m., Cooper:

_Yes, I am at your place and you are not there. I know Andrew isn't here so I came to talk to you about last night. And I am talking about you and Kurt._

9:20 a.m., Cooper:

_You are at Kurt's place, right? Blaine, I hope you did nothing you'll regret._

9:22 a.m., Blaine:

_I don't regret anything right now. And we did nothing, okay?_

9:24 a.m, Cooper:

_What is that nothing? Aren't you in a relationship anymore?_

9:25 a.m., Blaine:

_I'll be right there, just give me an hour._

Blaine sighed as he sat up and put his phone back an on the nightstand. The night was too short, really too short, and he wasn't ready to face his reality. At least the part including Andrew and Cooper. He didn't think that Cooper would recognize anything but was Blaine pretty obvious? Hopefully it was just Cooper who thought Blaine acted strange as he wanted to leave because he knew that he was gay. His friends wouldn't think that, well he hoped it was like that because they didn't send him any weird messages. So this was good, it had to be good.

Kurt closed his laptop and stood up, turning to Blaine and smiling while he climbed back on to the bed, sitting next to Blaine and placing his hand on his curls.

"What a mess."

"Hey, they are awesome. And I like bed hair."

Kurt smiled and pulled his hand back, wrapping his arms around his knees and looking at Blaine. There it was again, the wave of feelings when he saw this smile, when he just saw this boy he still got to know.

"What are you doing on Christmas?" Kurt asked.

"I don't know. I'll probably go to Cooper's place. And you?"

"I'll be here. My dad and Carole are in Europe and Finn want's to surprise Rachel."

"You are kidding me, right? You want to be alone at Christmas?"

Blaine felt the need to spend Christmas here with Kurt instead with Cooper. But they are barely together, still need to know each other and Christmas is something you should spent with the people you love and are close to. Love, he didn't know if this was love what he felt because it was too early to say that. But he never felt it more for anybody than Kurt.

"It's okay." Kurt shrugged: "I will take this opportunity to write this story I've been working on."

Blaine sighed and took Kurt's hand into his.

"I said it yesterday and I'll do it again. I won't do anything you don't want to. Also I won't push myself into your business if you don't want me to be there. Just, let me know if you need me."

"It's Christmas and you and Cooper were separated for six years. There is a lot you two have to make up."

"And you are still living a mess."

"Like you."

Blaine huffed but he couldn't be angry for long because Kurt was right.

"I'll try, Blaine. Okay?"

"I hope that."

He squeezed his hand one last time and stood up, picking up his clothes from the chair he sat on yesterday.

"While we are talking about Cooper, he wants to see me. He is waiting at my apartment."

Kurt's eyes were following Blaine and his eyebrows lifted.

"Frankly, he kind of knows about that."

"I'm not surprised. He is my teacher and we have no homework. So yeah, it was kind of obvious for him that there was something."

Blaine walked back to Kurt who was sitting on the edge of the bed and squatted down right before Kurt, his hands on Kurt's knees.

"I can deny everything if you don't want anybody to know."

"No, Blaine. I'm totally fine with this. It's your decision because, you know, you are still scared about coming out."

"Yeah... yeah."

"Don't make this sad face. I know it isn't easy and I won't force you to do anything."

A deep sigh and Blaine stood up, leaned down and kissed Kurt lovely on his lips, on his cheek and hugged him. There he was, he wanted to help Kurt and make him happy instead of being the one who takes help from Kurt. But it was like it was now and it made him happy.

"We help each other, okay? I mean we are friends. Friends that mean a lot to each other."

He avoided to say that they are boyfriends. It was too soon to say that and even if he would say that, it felt uncomfortable. They kissed, slept next to each other, wanted this to be serious and there were a lot of feelings to discover. But as long as Blaine didn't break up with Andrew, as long as he lived in this mess, he didn't want to say it. It would make everything too serious too soon and then both of them had more responsibilities to take then now. Kurt would lose his freedom to choose who he wants to be with, would pull him into this way Blaine was in right now. A cheater, even thought Blaine knew Kurt would never cheat on anybody.

"Deal." Kurt responded, "Should I make some coffee before you leave? And call a taxi for you?"

"You are too good to me." Blaine smiled and kissed him again.

He was. He was far too good for Blaine.

* * *

"Are you conscious of what you are doing, Blaine?"

"I am, Cooper."

Blaine sighed as he closed the door into his apartment and looked at his brother. He left the keys inside the small key box and looked at Cooper, as he took off his shoes. Andrew wasn't here and he would come back at the evening, which meant he had some hours left to prepare himself. But how could you prepare yourself for a break up? What do you say? Or do? It felt ridiculous to think about it because there was no perfect solution. He didn't want to hurt Andrew or be the one who breaks this all. But Kurt became too precious to Blaine in the last weeks and he didn't want to screw this up. For once he wanted to do something right.

Cooper followed him as Blaine walked into his room and took his suit jacket and shirt off.

"I think you are not Blaine. And since I wasn't there for you, for the last six years I want it to be now."

"I'm okay, Cooper. Really."

Blaine went to his closet and pulled out a white t-shirt and jeans.

"Well I know that you are not and I know that you are with Andrew, right? Then explain to me what's happening between you and Kurt."

Just hearing the name brought all the warmth back he was missing since he left Kurt.

"We are figuring this out right now."

"So you slept with him?!"

"God! NO! Why do we need this talk anyway?"

"Hey, I'm just asking what you did."

"You mean asking things that are not your business? And no, I didn't had sex with him."

Blaine sighed, took his jeans and his t-shirt on and a black cardigan.

"Well then." Cooper entwined his fingers, sitting on Blaine's bed, "I'm listening."

Slowly it came back, all the worries, the thoughts what he was going to do this evening and it felt like someone locked him into a tiny, dark room and he had to find the key to open the door. He knew where the key was but not where the strength was to open the door. It was a strange and kind of scary feeling. He walked to his desk, leaning against it while Cooper sat across him.

"I like Kurt a lot. I really want to be with him because it feels right. I know, I barely know him and I'm still with Andrew but it feels so damn right to be with Kurt."

"So you are cheating on Andrew?"

"We just kissed..." Like a lot, "And I wanted to break up with Andrew anyway."

"So your are cheating."

"Not really."

"Of course you are!" Cooper stood up his face lightly angry, "It doesn't matter if you kissed Kurt or somebody else. What matters is you kissed someone, you shared a night with someone who is not your boyfriend. This is cheating, Blaine."

He already knew what he was doing but to actually hear it, to really understand what he did is a totally different thing. His eyes moved down, his arms wrapped around his body and the guilt was written in his face.

"Don't get me wrong, little brother. If Kurt is the right one for you, fine, I have nothing against it." He lifted his hands up as like he would give up on something, "But first get your shit together. I mean really. What is this with you and Andrew anyway? You say he is your boyfriend, you tell me you are gay but I can't meet my brother's boyfriend? Are you lying to me Blaine?"

"No! I just... there are things you don't know."

"Things you weren't ready to tell me yet." Cooper corrected him.

Blaine ran with his hands through his face roughly and shook his head. Should he tell everything again? Everything he told Kurt yesterday? He didn't know if he would want to feel that way again and he didn't even want to remember the things he was doing at that time. Not one face, not one voice. _How silly are you?_ , he thought to himself. There was no way he could forget this. There was no way this would never be unreal, because it was real, he did all this and what he needed to do, to handle this, was to accept what he did and never do it again.

So he told Cooper what he told Kurt and saw how the anger disappeared from his brother's face. Saw how his ass literally dropped down on his bed and his brother's blue eyes were starring at him. Blaine saw the apologies, saw the anger about their parents and to his surprise, telling this again didn't feel that bad like it did yesterday. But still bad, painful and cold.

"This asshole. Sorry Blaine, but he is just an asshole. Didn't they recognize that something was wrong?"

"Maybe they did, but my grades were good, the best, and they didn't care about anything else."

"One day, we will drive to their house and make this right, once and for all."

"One day, Cooper. I know you are always in a rush."

Cooper smiled lightly, standing next to Blaine and placing his hand on his back, because he saw the discomfort in Blaine's face.

"And how is Andrew a part of all this?"

"I was a mess after the fights with dad and mom and the random guys I met. So I literally escaped for some days and slept wherever I could. One night I met Andrew, while I sat on a bench, more sleeping than actually being awake. I don't know why but he took me to his place and I swear to God, I looked pretty homeless but he didn't mind. I had a beard, dark tired eyes, I smelled like a bar and everyone was avoiding me but not Andrew. So I spent some days at his place, found out that he was living in Verno and came back to his hometown, which was our's too because he had holidays. He broke up with his boyfriend and was pretty lonely. I don't know how, but he some kind changed my mind and gave me hope."

"He cared about you."

"Like a lot. I was so thin, I looked really bad and I still don't understand why, but I was so thankful that he gave me a place to sleep, food and just took care about me. I said things like 'I love you' and clinched close to him. We needed each other, at least I told myself that and he maybe did too. So right after I got my letter from university he talked with my parents and so we moved to Verno in August."

"And then you stopped drinking?"

"No. I was confused and didn't understand that I actually could start a new life and everything. So it took me some weeks but Andrew helped me and now I don't drink myself senseless anymore. And because of Andrew I had someone to be close to."

Cooper sighed and still rubbed Blaine's back to make him comfortable but he wasn't.

"He saved your life."

"Yes... yes he did. But he changed. He changed a lot. First I thought we were so in love, everything pink and unicorns and stuff. But then he changed and we kind of grow apart. I didn't want to study law and told him, since I don't live with my parents anymore, I could study what I want and they didn't need to know a thing about it. But he was against it. He said music and art won't give me a safe job but becoming a lawyer will. And I gave in, because I owe him my life. But then I couldn't listen to music because it annoyed him. He kind of controlled me with messages and sometimes he even picked me up at the station. So I started to be careful, found out that Jeff and the others were living here and we meet each other twice a week to make some music, like in high school."

Blaine rubbed his eyes and shook his head.

"But like I said, he changed. After the 'controlling' he was busy with work and his studies and each weekend he went out to a gay bar. He probably hoped I would follow him and come out. But I couldn't and then I met Kurt. It took me some time but the first time I talked to him it was... I never felt something like this before. So I didn't care about Andrew being here or not."

He didn't know at that time that Kurt was gay and it didn't matter at all. This feeling he had back then was so big he almost couldn't handle it. The only thing he knew was that he wanted to make this boy smile, he wanted to be his friend, he wanted to do everything just to be close to him and make him happy. And as he found out, that Kurt was gay too so he wanted more. So much more.

"But you know, I feel like I owe Andrew my life and so I thought, if I can't be with Kurt in a serious relationship then I want to be his friend."

"Blaine." Cooper moved and stood right in front of his brother: "It's not like you begged Andrew to help you, right? He did it because he wanted to. And you should never feel like you have stay somewhere and be uncomfortable no matter what."

"He forced me to come out... drove me to the gay bar while I was a bit drunk."

"He... what?"

They both stayed silent for a while but Cooper was the one who broke the silence.

"You don't owe him your life. He keeps you away from bars but if he needs you drunk, because you'll do what he says it's okay. This is insane."

"I made him upset. I was with Kurt, drank some wine and he felt like I betrayed him."

Cooper huffed and crossed his arms before his chest.

"He knows about Kurt?"

"No! No... I don't want him to know anything about Kurt. Or Kurt about Andrew."

"And you have your alcohol problem under control?"

"Yes. Really, I have it under control. It's not like I need it anymore. I never felt like I needed it, but it made me forget my worries."

"And you want to break up with him and be with Kurt?"

"Yes." He nodded and looked at Cooper with confidence.

"Remember when you called me? Remember when you told me who you are and that you need someone to rely on when everything is about to break?"

Blaine nodded and took a shaky breath. He needed Cooper right now. He needed his big brother because he didn't know what would happen when he will break up with Andrew.

"Call me when you did it. I'll be here around."

"Thanks bro. And sorry, I didn't want to cheat on anybody."

"No, this wasn't good. But now it will get better."

* * *

Blaine was nervous. Pretty nervous that he couldn't sit silently. It was almost 9p.m. And he felt sick when he thought about what he wanted to do. He never broke up with anybody and he didn't know what it feels like. There was this small wish that Andrew already knew that they were done and he wouldn't be angry with him. He wished, but at the same time he thought that this was a ridiculous wish. A break up was never something you could do with a happy ending. There would always be someone who would suffer, be hurt and cry. Always. The need to have Kurt right here, close to him and support him came up. Strange how much he needed him although they were only this close for a day. Just a few hours of sharing kisses and holding each other was enough for him to never let this boy go. But this was something he wanted and needed to do by himself and as the he heard the door open he swallowed and his head was running.

"I'm back."

He heard the familiar voice and felt something cold inside him. Yes it was gone, everything was gone what made him feel good near Andrew. Standing up Blaine went to the door frame, leaning against it as Andrew took his coat and shoes off.

"Hi." He said his mouth dry and painful.

"How was the party?" Andrew smiled and Blaine was shocked as he saw his eye. There was a violet bruise around his left eye.

"What... what happened?" He swallowed and went to him as Andrew took his glasses off.

"Just an asshole who beat me because he couldn't stand that I was gay."

Blaine froze right before Andrew and a wave of guilt feelings ran through his body.

"We just went out for some drinks after studying all day long and we basically went to the wrong place."

Blaine swallowed again, trying to calm down, trying to find the strength what he wanted to do but he couldn't.

"Lay down on the couch. I'll bring some ice."

Quickly, listening and being sure Andrew did what he said he pulled out his smartphone and wrote Cooper a quick message.

9:16 p.m., Blaine:

_I can't today. I explain later._

He went to the small freezer, pulled out an ice pack and went back to Andrew. There he sat, exhausted and with watery eyes.

"Does it hurt much?" Blaine asked as he moved closer to Andrew and sat next to him.

"Not really. I'm just tired and it's been a while since something like that happened to me."

Today wasn't the day, Blaine thought and it hurt so bad, that he wanted to scream. He wanted to scream, loud, until his voice was gone. Everything was good, at least he felt ready and good to do this. But now, seeing Andrew like this, a bruise, exhausted because of someone who was just an idiot made it impossible for Blaine. This pain for being judged of who you are was horrible and who would he be if he ignored that and just broke up with him?

"Can you just hold me for a while?"

"S.. sure."

Blaine sat down, leaning against the arm rest, while Andrew laid between his legs, his head on Blaine's belly and breathed in, deeply. This wasn't good and it felt wrong. It didn't feel like when he had Kurt close to him, not at all. It wasn't warm, it didn't have this safe feeling. It was just wrong, so wrong that his eyes started to burn as he pressed the ice pack on Andrew's eye, gently.

"Sometimes I think it's better for you, to not come out." Andrew said.

"Why?"

"Because no one can hurt you because of who you are. Or beat you for this."

He stroked Andrew's cheek and took a deep breath. This was not real. He as dreaming, he would wake up, break up with Andrew and go to start his new live. But no.

"Sleep. Get some rest."

Andrew did what Blaine said and while he felt asleep Blaine's phone was buzzing. He pulled it out of his jeans pocket and found two messages. The first one was from Cooper.

9:20 p.m., Cooper:

_Call me when you can!_

The second one made him feel this incredible warmth again. This so badly missed warmth.

9:27 p.m., Kurt:

_This is crazy. My bed smells like you and I miss you although I don't understand what this is._

A shaky breath and Blaine answered quickly before his tears made it unable for him to see anything.

9:28 p.m., Blaine:

_I miss you too._

He pulled his smartphone back into his pocket, pressed his hand against his mouth and tried to be silent, tried not to sob, tried not to make any noise as his tears covered his cheeks.


	14. Chapter 14

8:23 a.m. Blaine:

_I overslept! I'm sorry!_

8:24 a.m. Kurt:

_Don't worry. See you around 12p.m. In the cafeteria?_

8:25 a.m. Blaine:

_I'll be there._

It was pretty late as he fell asleep and Blaine wasn't surprised. While Andrew slept on his belly, Blaine took care about Andrew's bruise. He was sad, disgusted with himself and terribly sorry for Andrew, because he went through one of the biggest fears Blaine had, when he thought about coming out. There was this one side of him unable to handle Andrew being close to him and the other side which kept on telling Blaine, that he owed him his life and has to pay back in any way possible. There was this need of pushing Andrew, as far as possible, out of his life and the need of making clear how thankful he was for what Andrew had done for him. It almost felt like a responsibility to help Andrew, whenever he needed Blaine. Back in August until October he always was lovely to Blaine, cuddled with him and wanted him, but then there was this unknown side of Andrew coming up, being disappointed about Blaine and rude at him, forcing him to things he didn't want to do. If this feeling of ' _I owe Andrew my life_ ' and ' _I have to help him because he did this for me_ ' wasn't there, everything would be much easier. He wanted to believe that it would be like that if things were different. They weren't and Blaine wanted to concentrate on one thing. Breaking up with Andrew.

He ran through the snow, up the stairs and right into the train. His feed took him instinctively to their place, his and Kurt's, and he smiled although Kurt wasn't there. But as soon as the train stopped at Linoi Blaine started to look after Kurt, but he wasn't there and he started to miss him. It became this special, usual thing for Blaine to see him every morning and he thought their first morning meeting in their train (after this weekend) would be different. Like, he would look around, being sure no one was there and share a sweet good-morning-kiss with him. His hazel eyes were still focused on Kurt's empty seat and he couldn't help himself. Blaine stood up, taking his coat and bag with him and sat down on Kurt's place. This was crazy, he was crazy, crazy after a boy he wanted to keep as close as possible. He tried to snuggle closer into the seat, tried to smell something that was Kurt but there wasn't anything and he smiled at himself how silly he must be looking. He just didn't care about it and looked forward to meet Kurt. Inside of his pocket his phone was buzzing and he pulled it out, ran with his finger over the screen, unlocking it and found a message from Cooper. _Call me!_

Blaine did it and Cooper picked up right after the first tone.

" _Don't tell me you've changed your mind."_

"I didn't. It wasn't the right time. He came back home, and had bad bruise on his eye because someone beat him for being gay."

" _Oh, I'm sorry about that. How is he?"_

"Fine, I guess. He slept the whole night and stays at home today."

" _But you're still going to do that?"_

"Of course. Just, not today. I know it sounds like I'm searching for reasons not to do this. But I will, I definitely will break up with him."

" _You know, Blaine. This isn't just about you. It's about the three of you."_

"Yes. I won't screw it up this time. I want to make it right this time."

* * *

Blaine skipped his class as he arrived at the university and went straight to the cafeteria. It was still snowing, cold, but all he could think about was what happened here at this place. The botanic garden was pretty close to the cafeteria and there he shared his first kiss with Kurt. Stupidly smiling he kept on going, pulled out his smartphone as soon as he went inside of the building and wrote a message to Elena that he'll be there later. There was still more than an hour left until 12p.m. and he thought about if he should pick him up but it would be too obvious because he never did that in the past. His phone was buzzing again and expected to see an answer from Elena but it was Kurt.

10:43 a.m. Kurt:

_I'm already here. There were just seven people in lessons and Cooper said we could go if we want to. Guess it will be like this until Friday._

_He is there_ , Blaine thought and went faster. He knew that right before the holidays most students just didn't come the last week and traveled to their parents or wherever. This was one of the many advantages as a university student. You were responsible for your study and not all classes were require courses. And for now he was thankful for this because he could use this freedom he had. He opened the door to the cafeteria and found Kurt, sitting next to the window.

"Hey," Blaine said breathless, a big smile on his face.

"Blaine!" Kurt looked at him surprised. "Are you one of those student's who just skips class in the week before holidays?"

"No. I just didn't want to interrupt the lesson because I'm late."

Of course he would skip his classes on the last week if that meant he could spent some time with Kurt. Although he couldn't be close to him like he wanted to, but he could be with him and Blaine needed him around.

"I'll buy us some coffee and then we can go somewhere else?"

He saw Kurt blushing as he said it, followed by a small nod.

After he got the two cups they both left the cafeteria and went outside while the snow kept on falling. He pulled out a dark blue cap out of his bag and put it on his head, hiding his curls. He found no time to gel his hair, or took much care about how he looked. Just a quick shower, clean, warm clothes and he went out. And now, while he walked with Kurt through the campus, finally near him he wanted to hold his hand, to hug him, to kiss him so badly but there were people, although the lessons were going. So he took a sip to detract himself.

"Are you free on any day before Christmas?" Kurt asked with flushed cheeks and Blaine wasn't sure if it was because of him or because it was so cold. Anyway, he looked totally adorable.

But he couldn't enjoy this view for too long. As long as he didn't break up with Andrew, he couldn't go to Kurt's place after university. This would be unusual for Blaine because Andrew had a schedule of Blaine's week. A fake schedule so he could meet his old friends and make some music.

"I believe I'll find a day, or more. What do you want to do?"

"Nothing... nothing special. Just boring stuff, like cooking or watching a movie."

Blaine glanced at Kurt, quizzically and he tried to understand why cooking or watching a movie should be boring. It was something nice, especially when you were doing this with someone you really like. They walked around a building, close enough where Kurt would have his next lesson soon and Blaine did this on purpose. First ,he wanted Kurt to be as close as possible to his area and second, he knew there were some places he could actually be alone with him.

"I bet it won't be boring. Whatever we did it wasn't boring at all and I'm not only talking about Saturday."

There it was again, Kurt's shy smile and his flushed cheeks, too adorable to ignore this.

"I just, I mean holidays are coming and you'll be busy and me too and I thought... we could spend the time we have until Christmas, together."

Without a second thought he grabbed Kurt's wrist, looked around and dragged him to a niche between the walls. Right at the moment, when Blaine was sure about to hear no strangers steps, no voices and no one could see them he squeezed Kurt's hand and leaned into a kiss. Like at the first time Kurt needed some seconds to respond the kiss and as soon as he did this Blaine kissed him claiming. It's been just a day when he kissed him the last time and he wondered how he managed this one day. Those warm lips, like the autumn sun, Kurt's smell, his heat, just his whole being was intoxicating. Slowly, remembering where they were he let off of Kurt's lips, catching breath and leaned his forehead against Kurt's. Being sober and kissing this boy, after a day without him, and his whole body was shaking because of the heat. There was still so much more to know, he wanted so much more time with him and he wanted to do so much more with Kurt. Blaine swallowed hardly and placed one last kiss on Kurt's lightly swollen lips.

"This is strange," Blaine whispered eyes closed as he tried to calm down.

"In a good way?" Kurt asked right after he swallowed.

"I don't know you yet, but it doesn't feel like that. More like, I knew you so much longer."

A shaky breath and Blaine squeezed his hand again, as he pulled back, eyes opening: "It's like I trust you so much that I am not afraid to do all these things I would never do in public."

He was together with Andrew for more than 5 months and he never made Blaine feel like this. So safe and sure about what he wanted and he never cared less about the people around him. But he was hiding, he wasn't ready yet but at the same time he couldn't help himself and needed to do this. Otherwise, it would have felt like he would loose something or he would explode because of the want he felt inside him.

"Not that I want to complain... but I think you should be more careful. I don't want you in any trouble because someone might see us."

To hear this, that someone beside Cooper cared about him was unusual. Apparently because his boyfriend didn't do this anymore and wanted him to come out. Yes, he might said that he thought it would be better for Blaine to hide, but he knew Andrew said that because of what happened to him. He said that as Blaine wanted to move on and stop hiding who he was. It wasn't the time to say that, not now, but with Kurt Blaine felt like he could do this. With Kurt and Cooper he knew he could be the somebody he wanted to be.

"Thanks, Kurt."

* * *

The next few days Blaine was pretty busy so he couldn't see Kurt, he away from university until Friday. First, his teacher had the great idea (because most of the students became pretty lazy) that all of them should write an essay (until Friday) about what they had learned in the last weeks about the law system so far and Blaine growled and couldn't believe this. Second, Cooper wouldn't be there around Christmas (because of some literature stuff Blaine couldn't remember exactly what it was) so he had to spend Christmas with Andrew? And there was the third point, Andrew. After two days he felt much better and went back to his work and study. Luckily, Blaine was so busy with his essay that Andrew left him alone, but Blaine missed Kurt so much that it was hard to concentrate on anything. During university, he saw Kurt while they had their two hour break but he never was close to him again. He wanted to, yes, but Kurt was right about being careful when they were in public, same goes to their way back home and it was tough and Kurt was just understanding. Basically, everything was a mess. Without Cooper he had no place to go to after breaking up with Andrew. Sure, Cooper told him he could go to Kurt and spent Christmas with him, but he didn't even know what would happen after the break up. Would Andrew throw him out, because this was still his apartment? Or would he be understanding and let him stay, although Blaine wouldn't want to spend his Christmas there. Or would everything just turn into a big fight? He didn't know, he had no clue and this scared him so much that he fought with himself. He just wanted to be with Kurt, to be honest with Kurt and start the new life he wished for. So he tried to focus on this stupid essay and it took him all three days until Friday. He was exhausted, he was frustrated because he couldn't break up with Andrew and Cooper couldn't do anything against his responsibilities. This would be the worst Christmas ever, Blaine thought as he left his class and said his goodbyes and happy holidays to Elena, Michael and Vincent.

"I'll call you, Blainers! We still need to talk about New Years Eve!" Vincent called after him and Blaine just nodded. They were all so happy and excited about Christmas and New Years Eve and he was just so done with everything. The only thing he was looking forward to was this evening with Kurt and what he would do tomorrow on Christmas Eve shouldn't matter today. He went straight to the bus, driving to the train station and the steam train was already there. He never really paid a lot attention to this train, he just thought it was weird to have this old fashion trains here but also this changed. Smirking, he went quickly inside the train and Kurt wasn't there but Blaine knew this. His last lessons were canceled and so he went back home earlier. Just an hour, Blaine thought and this hour felt so much longer for him, that he didn't know what to do with himself. He listened to music to calm his excitement and his want down. He even pulled out his notebook and read his own essay copy again but no, nothing helped, and as soon as he arrived in Linoi he literally jumped up, putting his coat, scarf and cap on and left the train. There was still snow on the streets and falling from the sky but Blaine moved quickly forward even if it meant he could slide out and fall. And he did, right before Kurt's front door. Stupidly smiling he stood up, wiping the snow off of his coat and went inside, up the stairs to Kurt's apartment.

He knocked against the wooden door and as soon as Kurt opened it he literally jumped into him and kissed him longingly. The door fell shut and his hands grabbed Kurt's face softly just to kiss him a bit longer, while Kurt smiled into the kiss. A deep breath through his nose and slowly Blaine let off of Kurt's lips and looked at him, wide smiling.

"Hi."

"Bad day? Or for what was that for?"

"You are kidding me, right? I couldn't kiss you for the last few days, reason enough?"

Kurt just smiled and Blaine shrugged off his coat and followed him into the kitchen, smelling something good and seeing Kurt wore different clothes. Like always he looked so good and he wondered if Kurt wore those tight pants on purpose. Because it wasn't easy to look away what they were hiding.

_Focus, Anderson!_

"You were cooking?"

"I thought you'd be hungry. But we have to wait an hour more because I didn't expect you here this soon."

Blaine glanced at his watch and recognized it was 6p.m. and not 7p.m. And as if he couldn't believe it he shook his head.

"I didn't even noticed the time. Class was over and I just left. I even fell down as I reached the front door outside."

Kurt turned around, right after he checked the oven, leaning against the counter and his eyes wandering over Blaine.

"That's why you were so cold and wet."

"I am," while he was speaking he came closer to Kurt, wrapping his arms around his waist and leaning in as Kurt placed his arms around Blaine's shoulders."I wanted to be here as fast as possible."

Both shivered as Blaine's cold body mixed with the heat of Kurt's body and it felt too good that he didn't even try to calm himself down. He took a deep breath as his head leaned on Kurt's shoulder close enough to his neck just to smell this familiar fragrance, still hidden by too many clothes.

It was hard to be this patient, not to go any further because the circumstance wasn't right. It would be easier for him if he wasn't this addicted to this boy. And he was before they kissed and right after even more. Everything was new, unknown, but so good that Blaine didn't really know what was the right thing to do. First things first and this was the break up.

"You are like a cuddle monster, really."

Blaine leaned back, his eyes stuck on Kurt's face and what he saw made his smile fade. Kurt was smiling, he stroked the back of Blaine's head with his thumb, he replied whenever Blaine touched him but his blue/green eyes were telling something that made Blaine worry and unsure. He saw Kurt crying because of the things he told him but right now he couldn't find the reason for this almost sad expression.

"What's wrong? Am I too close? Too fast?"

As they kissed for the first time, they both were drunk, not much, but they were. Right after this, their friendship turned into something different and most of the boundaries broke. They kissed, they were cuddling and all of this because of the light influence of the alcohol for sure. And now they were sober but Blaine wanted him still as much as the other days. Apparently he wasn't sure if Kurt was okay with that. Sure, he said he wanted this to be serious, but otherwise Kurt was someone keeping things for himself just because he didn't know a different way. Well so far was Blaine's expression and he always had an eye on him since they had met.

"No, it's not that. To be honest, it's been a while since I had someone this close to me and I want this to be serious. And at the same time I am terrified."

"Terrified?" Blaine was worried, really worried because he didn't understand what made Kurt feel like that. He wanted this to be serious, okay, but what terrified him so much?

"You won't tell me, will you?"

Kurt smiled, shook his head and Blaine slid one hand away from Kurt's waist, sliding up to his cheek and stroking it with his thumb. He was terrified too because he could screw this up. Just one wrong step more (and each step was wrong at that moment because he still was with Andrew) and everything could be fucked up.

"Don't be," Blaine just said and kissed him, more wanting, more intense. Both pulled each other closer as Blaine let his tongue out, sliding into Kurt's mouth and meeting his. All the cold melted away, warmth ran through his veins and after some seconds of lips and tongue he was burning. He never felt this heat, this desire, this deep longing for more. It felt like he had been starving his whole life after this boy who just gave in and with any less want than Blaine. One last kiss on Kurt's lips just to place another on his chin, his jaw, his neck holding himself back not to suck on this soft, good smelling skin. Just the thought how good Kurt tasted made him breath heavily. Their hearts were pounding fast, his right hand slid down to Kurt's waistband and as he came closer, he felt it right after their hips touched. Both were half hard and he moaned against Kurt's skin. His breath stopped for a second as he felt Kurt's fingers tugging into his hair and shoulder. Fuck, he wanted him so much, so bad that he needed all his strength, he begged his mind to think straight and yes, he somehow made it. One step back, so that he could see Kurt's face, a deep sigh and he smiled at Kurt, while his eyes were half open like Kurt's, both eyes just blown by desire.

He saw his swollen pink lips, his flushed face. He saw how the blue in Kurt's eyes was more green, but it faded slowly as Blaine wasn't pressing his hips against Kurt's anymore.

_Not today._

"And I thought you were a snowman, because I didn't know you could be this warm," Kurt sighed.

Blaine's smiles turned into a laugh and he took both of Kurt's hands into his and kissed the back of his fingers.

* * *

After their dinner, Blaine helped Kurt to wash the dishes and just something simple as that made him happy because he did this with him. All those simple, usual things like eating dinner together, talking about their studies and the people from university made him happy and felt so good. He never talked with Andrew about that stuff and it's been a while since they ate together. And the more he thought about how things had changed between him and Andrew, the more he wondered how he could just literally waste himself for something that had no future at all. At least no future in which Blaine could be as happy as he was now. So it was no wonder that he felt his chest tightened when he had to leave. He shared one last kiss with Kurt, obviously not wanting to go but had to.

Still the snow was falling, and as he took the train and arrived in Verno his steps felt heavy and the cold he always felt when he went back home came back. For sure, this place wasn't something he wanted to call home and as he entered his apartment it felt like he was walking into a dark, cold cage. This place made him sick and he didn't want to think about how he would feel tonight. There was nothing to study, there was nothing important to do. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve and he would spent it with Andrew. _Damn Cooper,_ he thought and still tried to find a way out and the perfect time to break up with Andrew. But without a place where he could go to, because he wouldn't stay here for sure right after he did it, it made everything just harder.

"I'm ba..." he stopped walking as he saw the two suitcases standing in the corridor. The door into his room was open and he was happy that he never kept any stuff there, that would tell Andrew that he was still making music or something related to Kurt. But still his heart was racing, his mind too and he felt unsure, really unsure. He went to his room, eyes and ears alert.

"What are you doing?"

Andrew closed Blaine's closet and smiled at him, the bruise was almost gone.

"Packing our stuff, silly. Didn't you see the suitcases."

"Packing? Did I miss something?"

Blaine understood nothing. They never talked about going anywhere because Andrew was too busy for a normal conversation about anything. They just lived together, yeah they just lived together and sometimes they were close and that's all. And the only reason why Blaine never left was because he felt this guilt.

"I have two tickets for a flight to my parents. I think it's a good step forward for you to come out. They are really supportive."

"What?" Blaine almost laughed as he heard this.

"It's Christmas Eve tomorrow and I wanted to visit them and what boyfriend would I be to leave you here alone?"

 _Boyfriend_ , Blaine had a weird bitter taste inside of his mouth and he almost grimaced. Andrew just smiled and it made Blaine sick. Who was he? His little puppy who would do anything that Andrew said? Who would give up all this happiness he found? No.

"Last Sunday you wanted me to not come out. You even said it would be better and I thought you, maybe, understood that because of stuff like this too, I am not ready yet. And now you're telling me we are going to visit your parents? Because they are supportive?"

"I know what I said, but you have to start somewhere, right? And my parents would really like to know you."

"Wait... you told them?"

"You are my boyfriend. Sure I told them that."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!"

This was a bad joke, Blaine thought and walked through his room, almost throwing his bag on his bed. He felt anger, so much anger that it wasn't easy to control his own voice. He breathed in, trying to calm down and maybe, maybe this was the perfect time to break this up.

"Why are you so upset? Without me you would never come out."

Andrew just stood their, his hands on his waist and looked at Blaine, not smiling, but with an expression like he knew, Blaine couldn't do anything against this and it made Blaine even more sick. This self assureds, this sureness, this way he was basically looking down on Blaine because he knew what he did for him. That was enough.

"Why I am so upset? Seriously, are you blind? Because the last time we actually did something that made me comfortable was in October. Two months ago, Andrew, two fucking months."

"Hey, you wanted space, Blaine and I was busy."

"And you didn't even give me the god damn space. You were controlling me, picking me up at the station. You even took the music from me because you couldn't stand it. You took the space I needed from me and, yeah, I gave in, I let this happen... but I can't anymore."

"I was trying to help you, and you know that. I did this because it was the best for you."

Blaine couldn't believe it, but once he let this all out it seemed to be easy to go further. Much further than this.

"What? Studying law although I hate it? Giving you my goddamn schedule so you have more control on me? I don't drink anymore, I don't do the stuff I've done. I've changed."

"You owe me your life, remember?"

Blaine froze and swallowed. Whenever Andrew said this he became weak, so weak that he felt ashamed how he could say something bad about him. But not this time.

Andrew came closer as Blaine was quiet and placed his hands on Blaine's shoulders.

"Look, without me you have no one, right? You would be living in a closet forever. So let's forget this and we start with my parents, okay?"

Blaine shook his head, took a step back and shook the hands off of his shoulders. He wasn't able to do this with Andrew. He didn't feel any love for him just anger, deep anger and disappointment. Sure he was thankful, he really was, but he never asked or begged Andrew for help. He was weak when he met him, he told himself that it was right to be with him. But like Cooper said, if Blaine felt unhappy, if Andrew just made him uncomfortable, this had no future and probably this all was more like a dream world. His sanctuary because he had no one.

"No. I'm done with this. I won't go with you because I'm not your boyfriend."

"Come on Blaine, where do you want to go?" Again Andrew came closer, grabbed Blaine's face and then his expression changes. He knew why, Blaine knew exactly why and he didn't even try to deny it. Andrew pulled his hands back, took a deep breath and his smile vanished.

"You stink."

Andrew's face was filled with disbelief, with anger, with disgust and Blaine just didn't care anymore. He smelled Kurt on Blaine's skin.

"It's over, okay? I can't do this anymore."

"So you're cheating on me? Like this is how you thank me?"

Blaine didn't noticed what happened but he felt this punch on his face, pain and dropped down on the ground, covering his left cheek with his hand. It was pounding, his eye was pounding in pain and he couldn't think straight. He just opened his healthy eye, looking where Andrew was but he just left and grabbed his suitcase, went and the front door shut.


	15. Chapter 15

From all the things that happened in the past months Kurt never thought about having some kind of boyfriend. He just had one goal, getting out of his writers block and kind of depression. Some love interest or some special friendships were never a point on his list. His life was gray, silent and a place where he felt all alone before this whole thing with Blaine started. Yes, he had Rachel and his family and they helped him to do more than just going to university and laying all day in his bed and thinking about his failure and his mom. This feeling of loss, this feeling of disappointing her and how much he wished she was there next to him leaded him to this gray place he was living in. And now, slowly, as his own world became colorful again, he understood what happened when he finished his first book. The memories, the things his mother loved gave him the strength to work on "Unexpected Silence" but only the strength. He worked like crazy, influenced by the memory of his mother, by the need to make her proud that he didn't recognize how numb he felt at that time. Once his dad asked him if he was alright and Kurt smiled each time and said yes. Because it was for him but his friends and his family saw that nothing was alright. And right after his book was published and no succeed he fell into this dark hole. He blamed the music for his failure, he blamed everything that made him write this book down but his mother. But he never blamed himself, never. So now things are different and it wasn't easy for him to accept anything of this. His fellow students were nice and helpful with their own point of view. Sure some of them were the cliche students and annoying, but Kurt avoided them. Cooper was an awesome teacher. Although he made Kurt crazy with his 'intense feelings' about a quote from his favorite authors. And the almost most important part for Kurt was, that his feelings for Blaine were not senseless. Still, no one except of Rachel, his family, Cooper and the people from the publishing company knew that it was his book. He wanted to keep it that way for a while because now, he just knew it, he was able to write this book again and even better.

To keep this as a secret to Blaine, although he read it and already knew more about Kurt than he had told him was, maybe, not fair. But on one hand they were still at the beginning of something and on the other hand, if this would become something serious Kurt wanted to make Blaine proud and more than that, he wanted to get over his failure and just deal with it.

And it felt like he was there soon. Everything felt just too good to be true and that's why he acted, like he did yesterday. He never expected to get all these things, to find this calmness and happiness and it terrified him to lose this. It terrified him that he could fall for Blaine too much and not be able to let him go if he has too. It terrified him because he wasn't at the stable mental state he wanted to be when he finds someone he could date and call his boyfriend. No he wasn't at the mental state but he couldn't stay away from him neither. And Blaine wasn't there too so, Kurt told himself, they could be close, they could try it out and be there for each other. They both wanted this to be serious although no one really knew why or how but that didn't matter. It didn't matter at all. Blaine had that something that made him happy, that made him do all the things he avoided and brought so much light, color and good noise in his life. Still he didn't listen to music because it was kind of weird, but when it was Blaine who played a song or sang, it felt too good. Probably Kurt even trusted him, because there was nothing that made him think otherwise, yet. He decided to see what would happen with them and it was easier when Blaine wasn't around. There was this possibility he could still stop this whole thing if there should ever be a particular reason. But as soon as Blaine was around him he wanted to be close, forgot his possibility and just wanted to get more from this, whatever it was the other gave him. He was still looking for a word to describe this bunch of feelings he felt because of him.

Kurt sighed as he closed his laptop, looked through the window and watched the snow falling. Beside Blaine he had Nathan, this guy who was going through all this Kurt already experienced. This was like the key, for him to re-write everything, to change some parts he explained wrong or more, he just forgot how it felt like and that he felt something when he came out and lost his mother. It made his book lifeless, it made it gray and with Nathan, who didn't hide his feelings and tried to explain what was going on inside of him, Kurt remembered how he felt like and found this special thing, this key to start again and make his book better.

So there he was, having his real life, his friends and Blaine who lighted up his world slowly and then he had Nathan, who gave him the possibility to understand, what Kurt did wrong the first time he wrote his book.

To sum it up, Kurt Hummels life turned into life again and it couldn't be better. Sure, today was Christmas eve and he wished he could have someone around but it was okay. Blaine was with Cooper, his dad had an awesome time with Carole for sure and Rachel with Finn. He didn't want to complain because he would use this time for writing. He wanted to, but he couldn't focus on it. Although everything was okay, there was that one little thing that bothered him since yesterday.

Blaine didn't answer his messages. He wrote him one message yesterday before he fell asleep, a second this morning and later he asked if everything was alright, because Blaine always replied . But Kurt kept on telling himself that he was probably too busy with Cooper and it wouldn't wonder him. Therefore he was kind of worried and decided to go out and get some air.

It was already after 5p.m. And almost each shop was closed. He walked along, looking inside of the shop for men's clothing where he was two days ago and bought something for Blaine. He knew he wouldn't see him on the Christmas days but after and wanted to give him something. Sure, they never talked about that giving each other Christmas presents but he wanted to and he was quiet happy as he did it. With a small smile and red cheeks he kept on walking and went to the small Christmas Market near the train station. There was this huge place they used for different events, like the city festival he went on with Rachel back in September.

Today he saw all this small little booths, the small lights stuck on the booth roofs, smelled the different Christmas scents and he saw all the couples and families walking from booth to booth and buying something to eat or drink. There was even a men dressed like Santa Clause and giving the children chocolate. Kurt stood there, watching everything from the distance and smiling. Everything looked like a winter wonderland and he wondered how Linoi will look like in spring and summer. But for now he winter was his favorite season in this dreamy town.

Walking closer to the little Christmas market, he felt his smartphone buzzing and stopped, pulling it out of his pocket.

5:37p.m., Blaine:

_I'm at the station in Linoi._

Kurt read the message 3 times and chased his thoughts. He should suppose to be with Cooper and spent Christmas with him. He shouldn't be here. The worries came back, making him anxious although he didn't know why. It was just a feeling he had since yesterday and told himself that there was no need. He walked as quick as he could, being careful not to falls because of the snow on the ground and as he reached the station he looked around. It was empty, too quiet and he needed some seconds to find Blaine, sitting on a bench under the canopy. There was a dark suitcase next to him, his body leaned forward, his hands holding each other and his hair curly. Kurt came closer, watching the dark haired boy and the closer he came the more he saw his face.

"Blaine... what..." Kurt saw it, although there wasn't enough light, but he saw it. Blaine's face was something he just embossed the last days. His cheek was swollen and his eye was hurt too.

The other just sat there, eyes big, watery and bit his bottom lip.

"What happened?" Kurt asked and sat down running his left hand through Blaine's hair and gazing at his swollen cheek and eye.

"Can... can we just go to your place?"

His voice was quiet, almost croaky and Kurt nodded, although his mind was spinning. They stood up, he grabbed Blaine's suitcase and without talking they went to his apartment. Questions ran through Kurt's head. What happened? Where was Blaine yesterday? Didn't he want to spend Christmas with Cooper? He wanted to walk faster but Blaine kept their steps slow, his hands deep hidden in the pockets of his coat and his eyes watching the ground. This feeling that something really bad happened didn't left Kurt any second. He hopped nothing happened to Cooper or... -he swallowed as they reached the front door of the building- someone found out Blaine was gay and hit him? Maybe they were too careless? Finally inside of his apartment he left the suitcase in the corridor and turned to Blaine while they both took their coats off. The dark haired boy still said nothing as they both stood there and narrowed his eyes to Kurt, lightly smiling and he smiled back not even trying to make an honest smile.

"Go to the living room, I'll be right there."

Blaine nodded and Kurt went to the kitchen, looking for an ice pack, two glasses and a bottle with water and went straight to the living room. There he sat, head back leaning against the couch and sighing. Kurt bit is lower lip, moved and put the glasses and the water on the table. He filled one of them with water and gave it Blaine.

"Thanks."

A small smile and he sat down, waiting while Blaine drank and put the glass back on the table and leaned back staring at the small, decorated Christmas tree. There were even some presents under the tree which his family and Rachel had sent him but Kurt didn't care. Instead he huffed and grabbed the ice pack.

"Look at me." And Blaine did, although it was slowly and his smile vanished as his hazel eyes glanced into Kurt's. Gently he placed the ice pack on Blaine's cheek, off and on his eyes and back to his cheek.

"Does it hurt much?"

"No, it's fine."

"I supposed you and Cooper would spent Christmas together?"

Blaine pressed his lips together, turned his body to Kurt's direction so that he was leaning with his side against the couch, while Kurt took care of his red, swollen eye.

"Cooper's busy with some literature stuff. I don't even remember."

"Okay, then... what happened?"

He saw how Blaine fought with himself, face down and no words were needed to make Kurt understand that he didn't want to say what happened.

"I just had a stupid fight with my roommate, that's all."

"With your roommate?"

"Yeah. Whatever. I left, took some of my stuff with me and I didn't know where to go, so that's why I am here now."

Whatever this relationship between Blaine and his roommate was, Kurt couldn't get what it was. He knew nothing about him and he didn't even want to since he hit Blaine. Someone who hurt another person physically was just an insane person for him and even more because this person hit Blaine for whatever reason. Apart from that there was never a reason or excuse to hit someone. but sometimes maybe it was something that needed to happen. He shook his head because just thinking about the reason and this whole stuff made him sick and angry.

"Dare you go back there, Blaine."

"I won't." Blaine smiled: "As soon as Cooper comes back I'm moving to his place."

"Good. Until that you'll stay here."

He felt Blaine's hand on his, squeezing it and finally an honest smile showed up on his face and with that Kurt's heart began to beat faster, becoming warm again and he stood up.

"Hold the ice pack and I'll look for something to eat."

* * *

Blaine didn't want to come here and show Kurt how he looked like. Beside of this he didn't want to lie to him because he knew, he would ask him what happened and he wanted to forget about Andrew for a while, plus it didn't matter at all. He broke up with him, he told Andrew that they were done and now he could start to be this somebody he wanted to be. Somebody he could live with, love and never ever feel sorry for. Somebody he could be proud of, and also Cooper and more important hopefully Kurt too. This burning cheek and swollen eye were nothing compared to the fact that he wasn't cheating anymore and he must not lie anymore. All this ran through his body, his soul and relief calmed him down. Fuck that slap from Andrew, he was a free man and it felt so good that he took a nap, while the ice pack were cooling the left side of his face. Two hours passed and Kurt woke him up, beautiful smiling and both went to the kitchen to eat dinner. While Blaine ate and enjoyed the lasagna made by the brown haired boy, Kurt still cooled his face and when they both were done with their dinner they went back into the living room.

"Oh, I forgot something." Blaine said and went back into the corridor to open his suitcase and pulled out a small, long gift wrapped in paper. He returned and dragged Kurt to the Christmas tree where they both sat down, next to it.

"It's almost Christmas and I bought this for you a while ago."

He gave him the present and smiled, feeling that his face wasn't that painful and hopefully not swollen anymore. With surprise Kurt took the present and his eyes flew back to Blaine while they sat across each other.

"A while ago?" Kurt asked.

"Yeah, well you'll understand when you open it. It's almost midnight though."

He watched Kurt, how the surprised face turned into a warm smile and it made him even happier. There was still this feeling of going too fast, of wanting too much from the other one because it wasn't easy to find out what he was thinking about them. Mainly because of Kurt's face and when he said that he was terrified. However, Blaine was free now, he didn't have to lie anymore and be with Kurt completely with all his heart.

"I have something for you too." Kurt reached between the gifts and handed him a little red box and he smiled so wide that it reached his eyes.

"Thank you. But you'll open yours first." Blaine insisted while Kurt smiled and opened his present as it was midnight. With big, excited eyes he watched his face and waited quietly as his blue eyes became bigger and Kurt's mouth fell open. After some seconds he looked at him again, holding a silver, expensive looking pen in his hand.

"But... Blaine."

"There is something written on it."

While Kurt spun the pen between his fingers he found the words Blaine mentioned.

"I saw how you've been looking at the words on the small table in the train. So one day I went into this shop because I needed a new notebook and found this pen. I thought you liked that quote and you are a writer so a pen would be something useful for you."

He wasn't sure about that, but Kurt always had this small smile on his face when he looked at those words. _"To be or not to be"_ something that Blaine asked himself too.

"No... I mean, yes. Yes, you are right. I really like that quote. Thank you."

And he needed nothing more than this to hear. With shiny eyes he smiled at Kurt, who still observed the pen, ran his finger gently over the words and put it back into the package.

"I guess it's my turn." Blaine opened it the small box carefully and inside he found a white bow tie. He pulled it out and felt the soft fabric.

"Last weekend when we went to the Christmas party, I always thought about how good a white bow tie would suit you."

Again Blaine smiled and looked down at his body, wearing the same dark green shirt like he did back then and dark jeans.

"Really?"

"Yes and there is something else." Kurt came closer, tied the bow tie around Blaine's collar: "It's a white bow tie because from that day on I started to get to know the real you. It was like a white blank page, waiting for me to write something down about you."

His heart became warm, bigger, it filled him up and pounded so fast, pushing his blood through his body. Maybe it was too soon, maybe he was too fast, but he just loved this boy. He didn't know him that well, but he wanted to believe that this was the beginning of this thing people called love.

"You could use my pen for that."

Kurt looked at him, smiling, so close that Blaine could smell this beloved scent.

"I could, yes. Strange how good a bow tie and a pen match."

"I think we do that too." He couldn't help it, he needed to say it as Kurt moved back again.

"Well, this is still unwritten."

"Then, what did you write down so far?"

"That... I was really worried about you, today."

This face from Kurt, when he smiled but his eyes weren't happy hit Blaine each time he saw it. It was almost like the other regretted his own words, like he opened himself too much and didn't trust Blaine. He tried to find the right words, to say that he was sorry and that he didn't want to worry Kurt.

"But I guess... it's because you are important to me."

On his knees he moved closer to this precious boy, placed his hands gently around his face and kissed him so that his words would fall into his mouth, hidden inside of both of them and never leaving them. First he kissed him gently, waiting for Kurt to fall into this kiss and as soon as Blaine felt how comfortable the brown haired became, he kissed him deeper. Tongues, lips, teeth and both couldn't get enough of this. He felt Kurt's hands on his arms, how he held them strong while they kissed and he smiled with flushed cheeks as he stopped the kiss and glanced into the others eyes and saw his blown pupils.

"You are to me too."

Kurt smiled, face became more red and it was him who broke their eye contact, leaning his forehead against Blaine's lips and he instinctively kissed it, hands on Kurt's shoulders. Hands were running over his arms, up and down slowly for some seconds, until Kurt placed them on his hands, swallowing and whispering: "Can... can we go to bed?"

He took Kurt's hands into his, trying to calm himself down although the thought of going with Kurt to his bed, while he was glowing from the inside didn't make it easy. A last kiss on the forehead.

"Sure."

Both stood up, Blaine helping Kurt on his feet and leaving the living room. He held Kurt's hand, followed him and as the lights were turned off (only the small lamp on the nightstand were burning) and both of them were inside of Kurt's room he felt this deep need for more. He felt it even more than before, he felt it while he was kissing him and now it was almost not to handle anymore. The door fell shut, he entwined their fingers and stood close to Kurt, their heads leaning against the other as Blaine kissed his shoulder and inhaled the beloved scent.

"I want you." He whispered and he felt Kurt's cheek moving up against his own. He was smiling and his hand let off of Blaine's and tied off the bow tie. He placed it on a table and came back, kissing gently his bruised cheek which didn't hurt anymore. Blaine smiled, placed his hands on the brown haired boys shirt and started to unbutton it while he moved his head back and kissed Kurt again, deeply. He wondered how he was able to resist for so long. The first time he saw him something happened in his heart. The first time they spoke with each other Blaine immediately fell for his voice. And the first time, as he understood that something was making Kurt sad, he wanted to make him happy. Now he knew he wanted to be the one who could make this boy happy. So it happened, slowly like a child taking their first steps he started to fall in love. He felt it and he knew it. Kurt's fingers were doing the same like Blaine's and slowly their shirt's fell on the ground, still kissing and their hand's exploring the bare skin of the other. Kurt's skin was soft, pale and warm under his trembling fingertips.

He needed to stop kissing him, he needed air so he did, leaning his forehead against the other ones, eyes closed while his hands and Kurt's ran up and down their chests. No, he never felt like this. Blood burning, running through his veins, heart pounding big and fast, knees weak.

"Bed?" Kurt whispered, his voice low.

"Yeah... bed." He murmured and kissed Kurt's cheek, taking one of his hands and dragging him to the bed. Not for one second he wanted to lose this feeling of Kurt's skin, his hand, his warmth. Blaine wanted to be wrapped by this beautiful scent, his heat and never let go. Kneeing on the bed like Kurt he kissed him again, one hand on the other ones neck while he slowly pushed him down on the bed, following and still kissing. Kurt's fingers were running through his curls, his lips lovely welcoming his and his legs opened to give him the space he needed to knee between them. Without a second thought he moved between his legs, their kiss became deeper, one hand in Kurt's hair, the other one keeping himself up of the bed so he could be above Kurt.

He never felt like this when he was sleeping with Andrew. Each touch by Kurt made his heart grow, pounding hard against his chest and made his body tremble. Their skins were burning, their breaths heavy, their lips swollen and their tongues wanted more, Blaine's whole being wanted so much more. More than being close to Kurt as much as possible. He wanted to protect him, he wanted to make him happy, he wanted to be everything and more. But now he wanted to feel him, touch every part of his skin, kiss every part and make him feel good.

As Kurt's hands slid down from his hair to his shoulders, his hips moved down too and through his pants he felt how their half hard cocks touched and Blaine groaned into the kiss. Kurt arched up, both had their eyes closed, their mouths open and stood still. The ability to think was almost gone as he tried not to get caught completely by this arousal.

"Move..." Kurt whispered as Blaine kept himself up with both hands pressed into the mattress. He kissed his forehead, then leaned his own against Kurt's and felt his hands running from his shoulders down his arms and drawing burning lines on his skin and make him shiver. God, yes. He swallowed and began to move his hips down, rubbing their cocks together through the fabric.

Their breaths became moans, their skin sweaty and the next kiss fiercely, all tongue, open mouth and longing lips. His hips moved faster, the brown haired with him and they found a steady rhythm.

"We should... take them off."

His own voice was lust filled, his eyes dark, blown, sparkling like Kurt's who nodded and grabbed Blaine's face for another kiss. There was no time for thinking, he just took his hand's away from Kurt, the bed and opened his pants, taking them off and as soon as he only wore his briefs he helped to get out of his tight pants. Immediately he returned to be above Kurt, to kiss him again, to feel this heat, Kurt's hands running through his hair and over his skin, while their hips collide. He was rock hard and he felt he wasn't the only one. Sure this should take much longer, he wanted to enjoy this but he didn't know how much he could take right now. They sweat, they moan and having Kurt this close, feeling his smooth pale skin, feeling that he wanted it as much as Blaine... no. He stopped moving, stopped kissing him and laid down on Kurt's body, chest on chest and his hand was sliding down Kurt's side to his underwear.

"Tell me you have lube" Blaine whispered, lips close to Kurt's ear as he swallowed and his voice was almost only hot breath: "Tell me you have condoms."

Kurt held his breath, his eyes searching for his own and as he was looking into the green eyes – they were always more green when Kurt was turned on – he saw how the other one bit is lower lip and nodded. They put their hands off of each other so Kurt could reach the drawer and pulled out a bottle with lube and condoms. A big smile was all Blaine could give the other as he saw his flushed cheeks and his eyes were searching for something in his face until Kurt smiled with him, both blushing.

Yeah, it was good to know that Kurt thought about this too, that he wanted this too. He moved back down to his neck, pressing his lips against the skin, sucking and running his tongue over the place he sucked on, while his hand slipped under Kurt's briefs and took a hold of his hard cock, stroking, feeling the pre-cum between his fingers and hearing his gasp, his moans and felt how he started to thrust into his hand.

How could this all feel so right? So damn good that he almost lost his mind? He could come just because of the noise Kurt made, of his hands over his skin, of the slippery kiss they shared.

"Blaine..." Kurt stopped the kiss, held himself up a bit with his elbows, leaned forward his forehead against his while he stopped thrusting into his hand. He bit his lower lip, moaning until he choked it.

"I'll come if you don't..."

"It's okay." He breathed on the other ones lips, eyes still closed feeling how the other was shaking his head.

"I want you, too.", Kurt hissed low.

He groaned, let off of Kurt's cock, taking their briefs off so they both were finally naked. Back above the other one he kissed his temple, reaching for the lube and feeling Kurt's lips kissing his shoulder, one of his hands on the back of Blaine's head while the other one reached down for his cock, stroking.

"Fuck..." He groaned on Kurt's neck and took a deep breath. There was this small feeling of guilt because he wanted to be inside of Kurt more than anything right now. But when he was thinking about sleeping with him (yes he did think about that for quite a long time) he wanted to be more gentle, to worship his body, exchanging kisses, touches, words far longer than now. This was now almost impossible with all the arousal, with their throbbing cocks, their dark eyes and want.

He poured the lube on his hand, rubbed it between his fingers and pressed Kurt back down on the mattress. His hand wandered down, between the spread legs, down to his cheeks and as he found his entrance he was drawing circles around it so Kurt could get used to this feeling.

He didn't know when the last time was Kurt had sex, but although he wanted to be inside of him, he wouldn't do it without his permission and without preparing him. Blaine for himself knew how much it could hurt if they wouldn't do it right.

Slowly he pushed one finger inside, watching Kurt while he hissed and waiting until his expression soften so he could move his finger. It was hot and tight, almost too tight and he swallowed as Kurt moaned, whimpered while Blaine was stretching him, twisting his finger and add a second one, slowly.

"Kurt?"

"I'm fine." He smiled at Blaine while his body got used to this feeling and moved down into Blaine's touch. Thrusting deeper into Kurt he started to kiss his skin again, at his neck, his collarbone, his chest while this beautiful boy breathed fast, his one hand sliding over Blaine's arm the other one grabbing the sheets. A third finger and Blaine thought he would come as he saw Kurt biting his lower lip, heard his moans becoming lower, longer and he moved his legs farther apart. Too hot, too sexy, too much, Blaine thought.

"Hurry, Blaine..."

He nodded, his fingers leaving Kurt and he took a deep breath after the loss. Gosh, Blaine was shaking as he kissed Kurt, reaching for the condom and trying to open it with his slick fingers. His skin was hot, sweaty, his heart pounding the blood through his veins, into his cock, his stomach and everything he felt was arousal, want and the endless need after this boy. He was looking at him, watching his chest moving up and down, watching his pale skin shimmering from the dim light on the nightstand. Kneeling between Kurt's legs, trying to open the condom his breath went faster out of his mouth than he could ever recognize. He was so much turned on, he was watching Kurt and hoping this all wasn't a dream right now.

"Hey..." Kurt leaned forward, placing his hands on Blaine's wrist and taking the condom into his hands: "Don't freak out. We are not ready yet."

He laughed breathless and Kurt kissed him sweetly, opening the condom while Blaine calmed down a little.

"You are too hot for calming down."

They smiled, kissing, their tongues dancing but still lovely while his love rolled the condom over his cock and grabbed for the lube.

Kurt poured some lube on Blaine's cock, some on his and his entrance and laid back into the mattress and stroked himself while Blaine positioned himself between his legs.

He ran over Kurt's entrance with the head of his cock, watching the other as he nodded and then slowly thrust inside, carefully, while they both moaned.

"Oh God..." He groaned as he felt the heat inside of Kurt, felt how incredible tight he was inside. He sank deeper into him, while the other was pressing his head back into the pillows, his body moving, pushing into Blaine's thrust.

Completely inside, Blaine needed some seconds to handle all this burning feelings inside of him, like Kurt did. One, two deep breathes and he was above him again, kissing his lips, feeling his legs wrapping around his hips, Kurt's hands grabbing his face and after some seconds he trusted his voice to speak.

"Can I?"

"Yes... yes, please." Kurt nodded quickly and then he started to move back, out of the tightness just to thrust back inside mere seconds after. He repeated his movements slowly, watching Kurt, watching his dark green eyes, his flushed face, his parted swollen lips, the sweat on his pale skin and his heart was growing even more. He had this boy, he was allowed to hold him, to see him in a vulnerable moment and he knew, he could only have this all because Kurt trusted him.

"You feel so good." He groaned into the others mouth while he moved faster and felt Kurt's nails running down the skin on his shoulders, his arms and this let the fire inside of his belly run through his whole body, right into his cock and he fucked faster into him. His hand slid under Kurt's ass, holding him up a bit so he could thrust deeper into him and it felt perfect. He felt so perfect around him that he never wanted to stop. But no, this wouldn't take too long. He heard it by Kurt's voice which changed from a moan into a whine and then he cried when Blaine hit the right spot.

"Oh God..." Kurt moaned into Blaine's mouth, digging his fingers deeper into his skin: "I'm close, so close."

He felt it, he felt Kurt's cock brushing against his stomach, felt how Kurt squeezed around him while he kept on moving, faster and placing kisses on his jaw, his lips.

"Come for me..." He swallowed, wetting his throat and sliding his hand from Kurt's ass to his cock, stroking the full length, fast and hard. Racing hearts, hasty breathes, sweaty skin and then Kurt stopped moving and came hard in his hand. He hissed, moaned Blaine's name and his finger dug so deep into his skin that it almost hurt. But that was it what send him over the edge, and right after Kurt he came, thrusting deep into him and moaning on his skin while their bodies were shaking from their orgasm. It took them long seconds until they calmed down, until they could open their eyes and find a steady breath. Blaine laid on the brown haired boy, his ear on Kurt's chest, hearing his heartbeat, fast and loud, hearing the air filling and leaving his lungs, hearing his hoarse voice and feeling the cum between them, the sweaty skin and Kurt's lips on his forehead, his hand in his wet curls.

He didn't want to move, he didn't want to leave this place. He wanted to lay here in Kurt's arms, holding him and listening to his heartbeat forever. Here he felt save, he forgot about the things he still had to do, forgot about all his worries and everything that meant something was right under him.

"Blaine... we are a mess." Kurt mumbled against his curls.

"Like always..." He replied and kissed Kurt's neck while he chuckled and after some seconds he found the strength to move, sliding out of Kurt who hissed and closed his eyes. He rolled off the condom, threw it into the bin next to the bed and stood up, tripping because his knees were so weak but he found enough strength to go to the bath and came back with a wet towel. He smiled warmly as he saw Kurt laying there, eyes closed, his hand running up and down his chest while his other palm rubbed his forehead. How calm he was, how beautiful he looked like by just laying there and breathing with no clothes covering his long breathtaking body.

Moving back and kneeling next to Kurt he was above him again, kissing his nose and cleaning his chest with the warm wet towel.

"You okay?"

"More than that."

They hummed, smiling while Blaine kissed him and cleaned Kurt's chest, stomach, further down and Kurt moaned again, moving lazily into his actions. They laughed against the others lips and when Blaine was finished with cleaning the other one and himself he stood up again, left the towel on the back of Kurt's chair and went back into the bed. They crawled under the blanket, facing each other and smiling until Kurt laughed again and Blaine stroked his hair away from his forehead, smiling because of the wonderful sound the brown haired boy made.

They said nothing, the just looked into the others eyes, Blaine stroking his hair and then cheek, while Kurt was running with his fingers over Blaine's collarbone, chest and back up again.

Soft skin, shiny green/blue eyes, parted lips, still pink from kissing, his jaw line just...

"You are beautiful."

Kurt's smile faded and his eyes starred at his like he couldn't believe what he said. But it was true, at least for him it was. All that he knew about the other one so far, all that he could see was beautiful and he would be the biggest fool if he let this go. Like he thought before, he would do everything for this boy just to keep him by his side.

Kurt closed the space between them with a kiss, moving his head back again to look into his eyes and running over Blaine's eyebrow, cheek, lower lip and smiled again when the dark haired boy kissed his fingers.

"You know, that's because my boyfriend makes me so happy. And it's been a while since I felt happy."

"Boyfriend, hm?" Blaine hummed and slung his arm around Kurt's waist, pulling him closer: "I like that sound."

They snuggled together, Kurt buried his face into Blaine's neck, his hands resting on his chest and he held him close breathing in the familiar smell of cinnamon - but this time mixed with sex.

"Merry Christmas, Kurt."

"Merry Christmas, Blaine and thank you for keeping me together."

He smiled, kissing Kurt's forehead, stroking his arm, and just holding him safe because everything felt fragile. Kurt felt fragile right now and so did Blaine. They were broken, they were hurt but he knew, he felt Kurt's words, how the pieces of their soul started to become one again. How this growing love he felt started to heal everything.


	16. Chapter 16

He wasn't used to this but Kurt knew he could get used to this. Falling asleep beside Blaine and waking up next to him just to find the dark haired man in his arms or laying in his. He would open his eyes, watching him sleeping while his eyelashes flutter, or looking into the honey eyes shining bright and warm at him. They always looked like honey when Blaine was happy or turned on, sometimes they were golden and green and then just hazel. His scent, a mixture of coffee and chocolate. There were so many little things he noticed immediately when Blaine was around and he didn't even notice when this changed.

And exactly this he got when he woke up. It was still dark outside, quiet and when he opened his eyes he saw Blaine laying next to him, facing him but still sleeping. He smiled, watching how the dark haired beautiful boy breathed in and out, how his eyelashes fluttered and seeing him so calm, safe and far away from people who might wanted to hit him made Kurt relax.

The memory of last night when he found Blaine sitting on a bench at the station hurt him so bad, that he wanted to harm this person that hit Blaine. But it wasn't in his nature to do something like that and he wouldn't do it. As if there wasn't enough his boyfriend went through already, no, some people just were too selfish and didn't care about what others have been through. Not that Kurt would like it to get some pity nor would Blaine, but some regard was never wrong.

Sighing he stood up and went to his closet pulled out some fresh boxers and put them on. Although Blaine was gentle and took care before he slid inside Kurt – he blushed when he remembered himself about last night – his ass still hurt. Sure sometimes he touched himself, but the last time he had sex with another person was almost a year ago. So it was no surprise that his body hurt a bit.

He left the room quietly, closed the door behind him and went to the kitchen. First he needed some coffee, then he would take a shower and make some breakfast for them and then he would see what they were going to do. However he wanted to write his book because he thought he would spent Christmas alone.

_Well, plans have changed._

While he turned on the coffee machine and leaned against the counter looking outside and seeing the first hints of the sun. Yesterday he was already thinking about what Blaine should do now. Cooper was gone, for how long Kurt didn't know and Rachel would be back in January. So for now Blaine could stay at his place until Cooper was back but thinking about, that he would be moving to Coopers place meant, that they wouldn't take the train together, something he was looking forward to each morning. Well this would be a small sacrifice for Kurt. His boyfriend couldn't go back to his old place with a violent roommate, he wouldn't let Blaine go there. For whatever reason this happened there was no way it would happen again. Huffing he turned around and took two mugs out of the cupboard when he heard bare footsteps walking through the corridor.

"Kurt?" Blaine's low sleepy voice spoke and the brown haired turned his head to see Blaine. His curls disordered, his eyes half open and his body only clothed by black boxers. He came closer, leaning against Kurt's back and sliding his arms around his body, while his cheek rested on Kurt's shoulder.

"Kurt, baby, come back to bed." He mumbled and closed his eyes. Kurt felt his cheeks turned red when he heard how Blaine called him and he smiled shyly. Oh no, it wasn't uncomfortable it was more than welcomed, but still something he needed to get used to.

"You can go back to sleep." He smiled.

"Not without you. It's cold without you."

Kurt sighed, forgot the coffee which was ready and turned around his hands laying on Blaine's shoulders and watching his still sleepy face, his bed curls and his stupid smile. He smiled like he was drunk and after a deep breath he rubbed his neck and gave him a good morning kiss.

"So... baby, huh?"

The tiny man giggled, ran up and down Kurt's back with his palms and kissed his chest, right where his heart was. He held his breath, stopped smiling and watched Blaine, felt his lips right above his heart, felt his heart grow, burning beating faster and he was sure that Blaine could feel it against his lips. A small, lovely gesture but it triggered a wave of emotions right trough his body that he forgot what time it was and where they were. It felt like Blaine wanted to kiss the sadness away, the scars, all the things that made Kurt's heart ache.

"Yes, I like that. Also boyfriend, important and beautiful are my new favorite words."

Blaine smiled brightly, a bit excited like the puppy Kurt always compared him to. Even his eyes weren't sleepy anymore. They were big, sparkling and his eyelashes fluttered. Yes, boyfriend, important and beautiful were his favorite words too, right now.

"C'mon. We have holidays and no one is waiting for us. We could lay in bed all day long and I'll make it up to you."

"You want to make what up?" Kurt raised an eyebrow and tried to remember what Blaine owed him. But there was nothing. He gave him more than Kurt ever expected to get. First he gave him his smile back, he gave him the possibility to meet his favorite author, he gave him a dance, kisses, a Christmas present and himself. Last night was short and maybe they were in a hurry but still, both showed a vulnerable moment. Both were captured by the arousal, the need for each other. So what else could Blaine give him? Sure there was something but it wasn't the right time for that and more important, both didn't feel that way yet.

"It... was a short night." Blaine said quietly: "I had no chance to worship you and kiss you senseless, tell you more things that make you blush."

His hand ran Kurt's back up and down while his smile grew wider and he smiled with him, feeling his hand touching his ass,

"Does it hurt?"

"Like you said, you can make up for this. But no, not really, I'm fine."

The idea of spending the whole day with Blaine on his bed and he felt the heat again and he wasn't even ashamed of it. More and more he fell so bad for this boy in his arms that he didn't care about anything. One day being lazy and sharing kisses, glances, having sex was nothing to be ashamed of. He was nineteen, he wanted this boy and wasn't it like that when you were in a new relationship? Everything was just surrounded by need, want and arousal? Everything was just beautiful and perfect?

"So?"

He heard it in Blaine's voice how impatient he was and Kurt chuckled, nodded and they kissed all lips and lovely. They pulled each other closer, the dark haired tilt his head to kiss Kurt deeper and moved his hips forward, feeling their half hard cocks touching through their boxers. The heat grew, their hand's explored the skin of the other and as Blaine started to move his hips slowly and Kurt with him they choked, moaned silently and everything else was forgotten. He felt Blaine's hand grabbing his ass gently, pushing him closer so that there was literally no space between them. His mind was fuzzy, his sanity gone and all he wanted was to do this all day. Feeling Blaine, touching, kissing exploring each inch of his body and...

"Kurt!?"

They stopped kissing, stopped moving, they just froze and stared at each other. He tried to get this straight, there were voices, familiar voices, the front door open and he stood here with Blaine, both in his boxers, half hard and wanted... Kurt needed some seconds to forget what he wanted to do, felt how the heat was replaced by cold shock and he held Blaine closer, safe while he looked at him with confused and scared eyes. Instinctively he kissed his forehead, placed his hand on the back of Blaine's head and felt how he hid his face in the crook of Kurt's neck, shaking.

"Honey? Are you home?"

And then he saw them, his dad an Carole, both with a bride smile on their faces which faded away as they saw what no one should see. He saw his fathers eyes, how they were watching Blaine, saw how he slowly understood what was going on and then he looked into his eyes and a failed smile was everything he could give him. God, what were they doing here? They said they wanted to go to Europe, didn't they? More important what did this to Blaine? He wasn't out, he wasn't ready and now there was no way to make his dad and Carole believe it's not what it looks like. No, they were in the kitchen, only in their boxers, half hard, cheeks pink and close, so close.

"What is...," Burt spoke but Carole cut him off slapped him on the shoulder.

"Just... go to the living room. I'll be right there," was all Kurt could say and luckily Carole dragged his father with her while his eyes were staring at them until he lost sight. Kurt took a deep breath, embarrassed, cheeks red and felt how Blaine shivered in his arms while he held Kurt so strong like his life depended by his embrace. This wasn't planned at all.

"Kurt..."

"Shh, it's alright. It's my dad and my stepmother." But he knew it wouldn't change how terrified Blaine was. It didn't matter who saw them kissing, far too close to be just friends. What mattered was that someone without Blaine wanting it knew that he wasn't as straight as he pretended to be. It happened suddenly, completely off guard and although Kurt knew they would understand it, they wouldn't judge Blaine this didn't mean that his boyfriend knew it.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know they would come."

"No."

Blaine leaned his head back, hazel meeting blue and Kurt swallowed as he saw the wave of emotions in Blaine's eyes. Still confused, still scared.

"It's not your fault. Don't be sorry. Sooner or later something like this would have happened." His voice was uneven and sound that Kurt didn't like.

His green eyes beheld the still lightly swollen cheek, his watery eyes, how he bit his lips and it hurt. It hurt to see his boyfriend like this.

* * *

"No one will ever hurt you again," carefully he kissed Blaine's swollen cheek: "As long as you want me I won't let that happen." Kurt was falling hard, very hard for him. For this guy with ridiculous big, beautiful eyes.

Kurt was the first one who took a shower and then Blaine and he knew he did this just to have more time to prepare himself for... whatever was coming and Kurt couldn't blame him. He wasn't ready, not yet and when he would be ready to say it out loud and proud Kurt didn't know. Even if Blaine knew it for years that he was gay it was not the same as to admit it in front of people that were stranger to him. His dad and Carole were stranger to Blaine and although Kurt knew they wouldn't judge him, they wouldn't do anything that made him uncomfortable it was different for Blaine. Sighing and fully dressed like, hair styled to perfection he went to the living room and as soon as his father heard his footsteps he turned his head around from the couch were he was sitting.

"You should have called me, dad."

He moved to them and hugged his dad: "Hi and Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, sweetheart," Carole smiled but he still saw how sorry she was while his dad stared at him with wide eyes and raised eyebrows.

"What?"

"Since when do you have a boyfriend? And why do I know nothing about that?"

"I thought you were in Europe. And it isn't like I wanted to hide him."

"But he is your boyfriend or is he..."

"Dad! God, yes he is but," Kurt felt himself blushing and covered his face with his hand: "I am not the one who should explain this, okay? It's a bit complicated." A deep breath and then he looked at them again.

"I'll make some tea and maybe he'll explain it. Don't worry it's nothing bad."

His dad leaned back, grumbled something and Carole sighed like Kurt did.

"Do you need any help, Kurt?"

"No, thanks," he smiled and went back to the kitchen where Blaine was sitting. His curls wet, his head down and his fingers nervously in his lap. Kurt closed the door and caught his look, his watery eyes and the worry.

"I'm sorry, Kurt. Your dad must think I'm some bad guy."

"He's just worried about me," he smiled and moved to Blaine, squatting down and taking Blaine's hand into his: "Listen. He is a good guy, really. You can trust him and Carole and they'll understand."

The honey eyes were looking into his, those slips curl up into a small smile and Blaine squeezed his hand.

"He's your dad. I bet he is a good guy."

They were silent for a while until his boyfriend sighed and ran his hand down his face.

"Do I have to tell him everything?"

"Of course not. Just what you want but... I already told them that we are together. Otherwise there would be really awkward questions."

Blaine laughed and Kurt felt how he slowly calmed down.

"You'll be right next to me?"

* * *

"I'll even hold your hand if you want to," Kurt stood and leaned down to give him an encouraging kiss.

Blaine was scared, really scared. He came out to many people but no one of them was his friend or a family member. Most of them were random guys and he knew he would never see them again. Coming out to Cooper happened more out of desperation and because he knew he couldn't be with Andrew any longer. Now he had Kurt and he would be a fool if he didn't change himself and began to take his life serious. He wanted to change, he wanted to be with Kurt and meeting his family was something that he knew would come. Yeah, one day but not this soon.

His sweaty hands were rubbing over his jeans and he was fighting with himself while Kurt was busy with the tea.

"I... I think I should greet them, right?"

"Alone?" Kurt turned to Blaine.

"Y... yeah, I guess."

"You don't have to go there alone, you know that?"

Blaine stood up, went to Kurt, took his hand and squeezed it like he hoped to get some courage from the touch. And he got that. Kurt's present was enough to give him the courage he needed.

"I want to. It's the right thing to do. For me."

One last squeeze, on last encouraging smile from Kurt and Blaine left the kitchen. Each step felt heavy, his body was trembling and standing in the door frame he took one last breath and stepped inside catching the look from Carole. She smiled lovely. And then Burt turned around and he didn't smile.

_Come on Anderson!_

He moved forward, smiling unsure and reached out his hand to Burt and then to Carole.

"Hello, I'm Blaine and I'm sorry that our first meeting went this way."

"I hope you are," Burt said and nodded like to convince himself that he was right.

"Burt, they are young. Don't tell me you weren't like that when you were nineteen."

"I'm not saying that I wasn't but still, this is my son and I want to know if he has a boyfriend."

Blaine saw Carole sighing, saw Burt's small smile and now he saw it. He felt it. Burt Hummel was a good guy and he wouldn't judge Blaine. What it was that convinced him Blaine didn't know but he felt it.

"Sit down kid, I won't bite you."

He sat down into the armchair and placed his elbows on his thigh and entwined his fingers. Gosh, he wanted Kurt here, he needed to see him because the courage he felt seconds ago was almost gone.

"So, Blaine. You are together with my son?"

"Y... yes sir."

"How long?"

"A week but we know each other for almost two months now. We take the same train and that's how we met. Later we found out he is at the same university like I am. But I study law."

Burt nodded slowly and Carole still smiled.

"But... I am not out. Not yet."

And then her smile faded and Burt stared at Blaine, his expression unreadable. His throat was thick, his lips pressed together but he kept his eyes on Kurt's dad.

"But you are gay?"

"Yes... I... I am. It's just I am afraid. My parents doesn't know only my brother."

Finally Kurt came back, two mugs with tea in his hands and handled it to his dad and Carole and taking a seat next to Blaine on the armrest.

Burt moved his eyes to his son: "You take care of him, right?"

"Of course I do," Kurt said.

"Good. I mean you are an adult now and I won't tell you what you should do and what not as long as it isn't against the law or hurting you. And I want you to be happy."

"I won't make any trouble, sir. Really. I know I am probably not the right one for Kurt but I want to be. I want to make him happy."

"Hey, calm down. I said nothing like that. I remember how hard it was for Kurt and I bet it's the same for you. But I am a father, I am worried."

Suddenly there was this feeling of losing Kurt and it scared him. His father was important to Kurt, he knew what happened in the past and he knew that he would do everything for him. But coming out was something he couldn't do yet and it made him angry.

"Sir, I promise I will do everything I can to not be any trouble, to make Kurt happy."

Silence and then Burt smirked and took a sip of his tea.

* * *

"Good. And now I want to give you your present Kurt."

Totally exhausted Blaine fell down on Kurt's bed and groaned. Burt and Carole left an hour ago and although the first hour got on his nerves it turned out to be a nice day. Admitting to, for him, strangers that he was gay and that he really wanted to be with Kurt took all his energy and all he wanted to do was to sleep. But it felt good, really good and he knew it was a step forward into the right direction. If just everybody would be as open minded and nice as Kurt and his family his life would be much more easier. He wouldn't be afraid to tell his parents about his sexuality, he wouldn't be afraid to meet homophobic people or be beaten up in some dark streets, or bullied at Uni. It would be so much easier but it wasn't like that and life would never be easy.

Kurt came and closed the door behind him and smiled at Blaine who just laid there on his stomach and smiled back. Both wearing their pajamas and a T-shirt.

"You look really good on my bed."

"I would even look better when you lay next to me."

They laughed and Kurt sat down crossed-legged and ran a hand through Blaine's curls.

"I'm really proud of you, Blaine."

He smirked and then saw the sad smile on Kurt's face. What? Why? Slowly he pushed himself up, sat next to Kurt, one hand pressed into the mattress to keep himself up and with the other hand he gently let his knuckles stroke Kurt's cheek.

"You seem sad."

His boyfriend laughed breathless, shook his head and didn't look into his eyes.

"It's just... I don't want you to do all this things because of me. Because I am out. Because we are together. We are together for a week now and maybe tomorrow we'll find out we don't belong together or next week, next month."

"I don't understand, Kurt. Aren't we okay? Did I do something?"

It scared him more than he thought. Yeah, sure, they are together for a week now but he knew Kurt for two months and everything he knew and saw for now was all he wanted. And he was sure that no matter what else he would find out he would like it. Why he knew it was unexplainable for him but it was there.

"You did nothing wrong. It's just... It's not just my writers block and my mom. I think I'm almost over it thanks to you. But when I think about it, that you might will come out because of me and do stuff just to keep me by your side I don't know if I can let you do that. I saw it today, I heard what you said and I have to admit it scared me."

He said nothing, just watched Kurt and after some seconds Kurt swallowed, looked – finally – into his eyes and Blaine saw how hard it was for him to speak. There was something else, something that made his eyes red, that made him almost cry.

"I was in love. Deeply in love and I am not the one that trusts someone easily and also it's hard for me to talk about how I feel. You heard my dad. He saw it when I felt bad but he knew I wouldn't say a thing if he asked me."

Blaine nodded slowly.

"But this here... between you and me feels different. Better and... and I think each day I'm falling harder and harder for you. I do, really, otherwise I hadn't slept with you."

They smiled, blushing and Kurt kept on talking.

"But he left me, you know. I trusted him, I had my first time with him, I was vulnerable. After that came my writers block and I missed my mom. Now I'm fine with that, I feel like I can move on, I think we could make it pretty far but still..."

Blaine got it. He understood what Kurt wanted to say. He wanted to trust him, to be with him and fall for him without any doubt, without being scared but he was scared because they both still needed to be okay. They both still were confused, hurt and they both just wanted to be okay.

"I understand, Kurt." And he smiled, relieved.

"Just listen to me, okay? And look at me."

Kurt did and Blaine moved closer, wrapped his arms and legs around Kurt, like a Koala, his front leaning against Kurt's side and a small smile appeared on his lips.

"Whatever I do, I do it for me. First, I do it because I want it to, but at the same time I do it for us. And yes, I hope, whatever I do I make you happy but I know I'll do things that will make you angry, like suddenly singing."

Kurt laughed: "I like it when you sing."

Blaine beamed.

"I can't promise you that I will never hurt you, or never leave you and you know that. But I promise you that you can trust me, that I'll do anything to make you happy. That I'll be there when you need me and that I really want to be with you. No matter if you are being bitchy, or snapping at me or yelling at me when I act like an idiot."

Kurt shook his head and smiled at Blaine, with a look like he wanted to say: you're ridiculous.

"All I want to say is that, I really like you. I feel good when I'm close to you. I want to be with you, to know you better and make you happy. And, whatever I do, I do it because I want to, okay?"

And all Kurt did was nodding and placing his hands on his boyfriend's arms which still were wrapped around his body.

"Me too, Blaine," he whispered after a while and Blaine placed a small kiss on Kurt's shoulder. Maybe he did feel and wanted the same, Blaine was sure he did. It just didn't mean that they weren't scared, that they weren't worried. There were enough scars, enough things they needed to heal and all they needed for now was time and each other. During the day he saw Kurt's face, sunken in his thoughts and how much he fought with himself. How much he wanted to forget what happened, how his first love hurt him, how everything just went down into a dark hole and how much he wanted to trust in Blaine, in them. Now, after Kurt told him what scared him so much he understood his thoughtful expression during the day.

_Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before._

He heard the song in his head and hummed quietly, until he started to sing in a whisper, after he placed a small kiss on Kurt's shoulder, again.

" _And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there,  
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."_

Yes, they needed each other and if it meant that, after they both were healed they would break up so be it. But for now things were okay.


	17. Chapter 17

Everything went just fine. So fine that Blaine wasn't sure if he was dreaming. Cooper wouldn’t come back until New Year was over and Rachel would be back at the end of January. And since Kurt didn't want Blaine to go back to his apartment and probably meet his roommate he genially agreed to stay a bit longer at his place. And everything Blaine felt for him, everything he asked himself found an answer. Everything made suddenly sense and he couldn't remember the last time he felt like this. Truly happy, sure about things, sure about himself and really, deeply in love with this boy, who was as broken as he was. He felt how his old wounds began to heal because of Kurt. All this small things they shared, all the small things Kurt did, the closeness they both enjoyed healed him and the other one. Something Blaine thought was impossible to ever happen but it happened.

He loved watching Kurt, he loved it when he sat at his laptop and worked on his story – he didn't want to tell him about it and Blaine was fine with that – how he looked hard at his screen, how he huffed, how he smiled when he caught a thought. He loved how much grace Kurt had in everything he did, how his blue eyes always lit up when he noticed that he was watching him, how he smiled warmly because of him. Even when Kurt judged him because Blaine acted like a dork, or sang along each song he heard through his headphones. Slowly all the distance broke and he felt it each night when they slept together. It wasn't just the sex, it was more than that. Simply lying next to each other, without saying a word and sharing smiles, letting their hands wander over the skin of the other, sharing gentle kisses, deep kisses and then just holding each other and letting the healing happen... sometimes Blaine really wanted to cry because everything felt so good, so right. He felt loved and he loved Kurt back. For once in his life he felt truly loved.

That's why he wanted New Year's Eve to be significant. Not just for them, but also for himself.

* * *

“You're sure you don't want to spend tonight with your friends?” Kurt asked him, when they were in a supermarket, buying some stuff for the evening.

“Kurt, don't worry. I'll see them next week and Cooper will be back tomorrow in the evening,” he laughed: “Which means I have to go then.”

“Great. Waking up and hearing you singing in the shower won't be something I'll miss.”

“You said you like it when I sing,” Blaine pouted and Kurt only smiled and rolled his eyes. They went to the checkout and while Blaine helped Kurt to place everything on the conveyor he looked to the entrance and saw a familiar... far too familiar face. Immediately he froze within his movement, watched Andrew walk into the supermarket - his heart was racing, everything felt cold and the memory of the last time he saw him came back. What was he doing here? Why was he in Linoi? Did he know something?

“Blaine?”

Blaine jumped, stared at Kurt and noticed his rapid breath and how tense he was.

“What's wrong?”

“Uh... nothing. Really,” he laughed nervously and tried to calm down. The last time he felt like this, frozen, an uncomfortable shiver running down his spine, was when he and Andrew broke up. It was almost forgotten what happened, the pain, the words and this terrible feeling of being trapped in a life he didn't want to be. Being with Kurt, sleeping next to him, with him and just enjoy and share this feelings he had for him made him forget all the bad things. Now it came back, fast, making his mind blank and as soon as they left the supermarket and went to the parking lot, the cold winter air cleared his mind. He felt Kurt's eyes on him but said nothing.

* * *

5:43 p.m. Andrew:

Where are you?

5:55 p.m. Andrew:

Can we talk?

6:17 p.m. Andrew:

I know you are having a hard time and I'm sorry for what happened. Let's talk, okay?

6:46 p.m. Andrew:

I love you, Blaine. And I need you.

 

He turned his phone off and sighed heavily. It was naive to think he would never see him again or even hear from him again just because Andrew became a blurry memory, while he was here with Kurt. Blaine knew he had to go back one day because there was still enough of his stuff in Andrews apartment. Also he didn't want to run away anymore. He needed to talk to Andrew, end things once and for all. Because those messages Andrew sent him made it clear that he didn't understand that it was over. His ex-boyfriend thought he still had control over Blaine, that he could do and say to him whatever he wanted to. No, Blaine didn't want that anymore. He was happy, he had someone who understood him truly and made him feel something he never felt before.

He had Kurt who gave him the courage to do all the things he was so afraid of.

“Will you tell me what is wrong?” Blaine looked up from his hands as Kurt walked into his room and sat next to him on his bed. His eyes locked with Kurt's and slowly he reached for his boyfriends hand to find the comfort he needed now.

“If you still want to celebrate with your friends, that's fine.”

“It's not about that. I'm just exhausted... I guess,” he smiled lazily at Kurt and caressed his knuckles with his thumb: “I think I'll take a nap. There is still some time left until midnight.”

Kurt smiled warmly and squeezed his hand.

“Shall I stay?”

He stopped breathing for some seconds, still smiling and then moving his orbs down to their hands. Always, he should be always here.

“That would be great.”

Kurt climbed into the bed, next to Blaine and cuddled close to him while he wrapped his arms around the brown haired boy. He didn't want to think about Andrew, he didn't want to remember this feeling he had when he was with him. He was here now, he fell more and more in love with this boy in his arms and with him, he knew he could do everything. Because Kurt let him be who he was, understood that Blaine had his struggles, that he couldn't be out and proud. Kurt knew he couldn't force Blaine to anything, but Blaine also knew there was no way he could live like this forever. Hiding, telling lies about himself. It wasn't fair to him or to Kurt if this relationship would last longer, and for now he had the feeling that this could turn out into something long. He couldn't pin point why he felt like this or why he was so sure about that. It didn't even matter because he knew he was sure.

* * *

“It's almost midnight - you don't want to go out?” Kurt asked as they went to the living room and Blaine smiled and shook his head. Kurt cooked dinner for them, they drank some wine together and it was always like that. Kurt did so much for him and he never asked Blaine for anything in return. Sure he helped his boyfriend whenever he could - and when Kurt allowed him to. It was just that the things he went through were things he was responsible for. If he would have come out, if he would have been stronger he wouldn't had to go through all of this mess. Blaine told him that he didn't want Kurt to feel like he had to give him anything for making him happy. He explained Kurt that it was enough to be with him, to call him his boyfriend and knowing that he could hold him, kiss him... just be with him. That was all he needed and wanted but Kurt didn't listen. Because of this he made up his mind and came to a decision.

“No. I prefer to stay here with you, give you your new years kiss and just enjoy the beginning of the New Year with you.”

Kurt gave him a small smile and followed Blaine to the couch where they both sat down. He wore the white bow tie Kurt gave him on Christmas, thinking about the words they said back then, how he could write something new down. A new story, a new beginning for him and Kurt. It stuck in his head for days and was the trigger for what he wanted to do.

“Honestly, I wanted to tell you something... well ask you something.”

“Okay,” was all his boyfriend said, while he held his hand and both leaned against the backrest, facing each other.

“I want to take the one step I always feared to do. Admitting to myself and to others who I am... because, you know, I still have issues to say it out loud although it doesn't make me uncomfortable at all, because that's who I am for years. A gay young man.”

Kurt smiled after his last words and so did Blaine.

“And I do this because I want to and because I don't want to pretend or even lie anymore. Also I want to make myself proud and happy - and you too.”

“You don't have to do anything for me, Blaine.”

“Kurt,” he began to speak, moved closer and held his hand with both his hands: “You do far too much for me and I'm grateful, I really am. But it's not just me who needs someone, it's also you and I promised I would do that and I want to. But you have to let me.”

His blue orbs were eying him, the corners of his mouth slowly moved up and then he just nodded.

“We are together and... it might be silly because we aren't that long together, but... for me it feels like this could turn into something for the long run,” he didn't want to say forever because, no, forever scared even him: “Those are all reasons why I want to come out. The new year is almost here, a new beginning, the start to change everything. I mean yeah, I could have done it each day, but now I feel like I can do it, I want to and... I hope you'll be there with me.”

His honey eyes looked down to their hands, caressing his skin and waiting some seconds until he spoke on: “I will fuck up for sure many times, but I want to start the right thing. For me, for my life for us and with you.”

They were quiet for some minutes, and then Kurt smiled with watery eyes and leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss on Blaine’s lips.

“That's not even an option. Of course I'll be with you.”

* * *

The new year began with Blaine moving to Cooper and leaving his little paradise he had with Kurt behind. This was also a step forward. Cooper was the only one who nearly knew everything, he knew who Andrew was, what Blaine did and perhaps it was unfair that he didn't say it to Kurt, but for now he couldn't. He was afraid of losing Kurt because, yeah, he cheated on Andrew and no explanation could make cheating okay. No way. He never wanted to be a cheater; he never wanted to start his relationship with Kurt this way. However, he did and probably it was better to never talk about that with Kurt and take the risk of losing him.

If he would only need silence to let Kurt never know about Andrew, Blaine would be relieved and calmer. Andrew lived near him, there was the possibility to meet him anytime (he understood that while they were at the supermarket) and what if he would talk to Blaine and Kurt would figure everything out?

_No... Don’t think that._

“What about your stuff you left in the apartment?” Cooper asked as he walked into the fancy living room with dark furniture and white walls.

“I honestly don't care about that. I have the most important things with me.”

“I can pick your stuff up, Blaine. Or you can write him a message that you'll pick up your stuff when he isn't around.”

Blaine shook his head and took the mug Cooper handed him.

“He wouldn't leave. Andrew would just wait there and talk to me. I'm pretty sure; he wrote me tons of messages how sorry he is and that he needs me.”

Cooper nodded slowly with raised eyebrows and took a sip of his coffee.

“In that case it's probably better to just leave things like they are right now. I don't want him to know where you are right now and I don't want you to go there on your own. I doubt you'll do it, but still. He is a sick man, seriously.”

It was so easy for Cooper to get things straight, to see how things were – Blaine felt a pang of jealousy. He couldn't say Andrew was sick, he couldn't say that he hated him; he just felt some kind of guilt when he thought about him. The claw around his heart which Andrew knew how to use was still there. Not strong, not pulling him back to him, but it was there and he wanted to get rid of it completely. He knew he couldn't say that he felt this guilt inside his heart, not to Cooper who would call Blaine out but at the same time he understood why Blaine felt this way. All he needed now was time. Time to get used to live at his brothers place, with him and more important, that all he needed now was Kurt.

“I won't go there. I'm ready to move forward, to come out, to do what I always wanted to do and going back there is only two steps back to the misery I used to live.”

But his coming out shouldn't happen that soon and also the time he used to spent with Kurt was limited and therefore another reason why his mood was anything but good. First, he needed to change his address, and then he and Cooper renovated his room and still tried to figure out how to get Blaine's other stuff. Blaine didn't want to go there and letting Cooper go there would only mean more chaos. He was still in rage and he knew what his brother was capable of, if someone hurt his baby brother. Andrew went through enough shit – Blaine still thought about the day when he came back with a blue eye because someone hit him for being gay – and he felt sorry. Yeah it was crazy but he felt sorry. Then there were his courses of study. Instead of studying law he wanted to take his major in music and theater. And since the new semester was about to start he wanted to change things right now. But it wasn't that easy and it took him longer than expected.

* * *

Kurt wasn't angry, or disappointed or anything. He understood that Blaine was busy, that he needed time to get some structure in his life but it didn't change the fact that he missed him whenever he wasn't busy with something. The best distractions were his upcoming exams, writing his new book and the e-mails he exchanged with Nathan.

This was all good, this was everything his mind needed to not think about what Blaine was doing, or write him messages or call him. They saw each other at the university, they talked a bit but most of the time Blaine was busy with the change of his studies. It was fine until the moment when Kurt went to sleep and Blaine wasn't there. They knew each other since October, they were together since December and spent almost three weeks together - and without really noticing, he got used to it. Then, when Blaine left it felt strange to be alone – because Rachel was still gone and wouldn’t come back after Valentine’s Day. Usually he was fine with being alone. But it changed, fast, suddenly and all he wanted was to get the time back he and Blaine spent together before the new year began. Maybe it was fast and maybe it was stupid to trust Blaine this much like he did. But he knew no other way as to fall more and more for this boy until he realized he probably really loved him. Like he never loved anyone else before. Those short moments they shared were always like coming home. Kurt became calm, felt safe and understood. He loved when Blaine ran his fingers through his hair, when he kissed him no matter where, when he laughed and whispered cheesy things in his ear. Damn, he also loved it when his boyfriend acted like a complete dork and sang along each song he heard or happened in his head. And Kurt knew that Blaine felt the same, well, his eyes told him that, and there were no words needed to tell him. Everything was different, better in comparison to his last relationship and his worries and his fear of being fooled again weren't there. He just missed Blaine when he wasn't busy and he really tried not to feel this way.

 

Valentine’s Day came and this was the first day they would spent together 24 hours long. And even on a weekend. Kurt would take a break from his studies – there were still two exams coming up – and Blaine almost arranged everything . He only waited for his letter from the university that he could study music and theater next semester. So it wasn't a surprise, that when his boyfriend knocked at his door and literally fell into his arms in the next moment, Blaine was kissing him deep and needy like he wanted to show him how much he missed Kurt too. They stumbled into the corridor, kissing, hands all over the other, making their way to the bedroom. Blaine left the bouquet of roses on the small table on the corridor, while Kurt unbuttoned Blaine's shirt and shoved it from his shoulders and let it fell on the floor.

“I missed you so fucking much,” Blaine whispered between kisses while he closed the door behind him with his foot and with that Kurt forgot everything around them. He held Blaine's face, kissed him sweetly – to calm himself down – just to drown into the feeling of his lips on his own. It's been too long, far too long and now he wanted to have everything -and preferably fast- back. He didn't only want to ran his fingers over Blaine's naked chest, not only his lips on his, he wanted him completely and feeling that he was here and wouldn't leave in some hours. 

“Me too,” he only replied while Blaine's hands unbuttoned his shirt, ignoring it as it fell and kissing him again, still sweetly. For some seconds they just let their hands trail down the others skin, smiling, eyes closed and breathing into each other. Oh yes, he was falling, more and more and he didn't want it any other way. 

“We don't have much time,” was all his boyfriend said as his hand opened Kurt's belt - and Kurt did the same. They slipped out of their pants, waiting until they were completely naked and then Blaine just pulled him close into another kiss. Their sloppy kisses, their tongues, their small moans and hands exploring the other ones skin were enough to make not only Kurt but also Blaine full hard in just some seconds. The last time they actually slept with each other was some time back in January, and compared to their three weeks when they had sex almost every day – and not just once a day – neither of them were surprised or even ashamed of how horny they were right now. Kurt turned them around, pushing Blaine back so that he fell on the bed while their eyes were locked, dark, glistening with want and arousal and damn; his boyfriend was so gorgeous, so hot. How was Kurt able to wait for this? Blaine's hands reached out for Kurt as he climbed on top of Blaine, sitting down and sliding their cocks together.

“Oh fuck,” Kurt heard his boyfriend groan into the kiss and rolled his hips up to get more of this friction. A small smile were on his lips as he began to move his hips and when he felt his boyfriends strong hands grabbing his ass he made a desperate moan. More, he needed so much more… and now. He needed to feel him, hear him, just now.

Kurt pulled back, held his boyfriends face in his hands and breathed heavy and fast, while their foreheads were touching and eyes closed: “I need you inside me.”

Blaine sighed with a whimper after Kurt's words and his hands were sliding up his side until they were holding his face too. Kurt panted.

“I want to ride you, to feel you,” he swallowed and whispered on: “Please.”

“Sssh, baby,” Blaine hushed him with a kiss: “I need to prepare you.”

On one side Kurt felt like a horny idiot - he never pleaded for something like this - but on the other side he never wanted anyone as much as his boyfriend. Never did he miss someone as much as him. Whatever Blaine did, whatever he had that made him feel like that, Kurt hoped it would be his, for long, maybe forever. Slowly he sat up, leaned over to his nightstand for the lube and condoms while the hand of his boyfriend stroked his cock. Not strong, not fast, just to keep him hard and hear the moans Kurt made, watching how his whole body writhed by the small touches. Fuck, he would come only from that.

Blaine took the lube out of Kurt's hand, pressed his hand on his back to press him against his body and kissing his neck as he breathed: “Just relax and let me do this.”

It took only some seconds until Kurt felt two fingers inside his entrance, opening him up, pumping in and out of him but it wasn't enough. Sweaty and heavy breathing, Kurt stayed in his position, lying on top of Blaine. Chest on chest, his lips on Blaine's neck, pressing open mouthed kisses on his skin, hands running through his gelled hair, holding his shoulder, his heart beating against Blaine's and it still wasn't enough.

Then there were three fingers inside him, knuckle deep and a low moan escaped from his throat right into his boyfriend’s ear, which made his body shiver. His hips moved to Blaine's fingers, loving the feeling of him inside his body, loving how he opened him up - but still, it wasn't enough. It would never be enough.

“Blaine,” he whined and finally the fingers left him and Blaine opened the condom while Kurt sat up again, stroking the thick cock of his boyfriend until he rolled the condom over it.

“Go slow, okay?”

Slow, Kurt thought, while his eyes were focused on Blaine's face and saw that he wanted this as much as Kurt. They both wanted anything but this to be slow.

“I don't want to hurt you.”

“I know that,” Kurt raised himself up, lining the cock up against his entrance and slowly sunk down. Oh damn, it hurt, but it hurt in such a good way that he didn't care at all and moved further down, feeling the stretch and Blaine's hands on his hips, trying to slow him down. Both were moaning, focused on this wonderful feeling they gave each other and it felt like an eternity until he was fully inside him.

“It's fine,” he nearly whined and placed his hands on his boyfriends torso: “Oh god... it's so big.”

“You are just so tight.”

Blaine smiled, caressing Kurt's hips and as soon as he felt like he could go further Kurt began to move his hips. Slow, feeling the friction, feeling how Blaine was stretching him open, hot and careful he began his movements. His head fell back, deep low moans falling from his lips while his whole body was burning with arousal and satisfaction that he could finally feel him inside, the he could finally be this close to him after such a – for him – long time. Still, he wanted more, much more. As he worked himself on Blaine's cock he went faster, feeling how he thrust into him each time Kurt sunk down, deeper each time until he hit his prostate and Kurt cried out, falling on Blaine's chest.

“Oh fuck...” he moaned against his boyfriend’s chest, still moving while Blaine's hands were on his back.

“Come here,” he pulled Kurt into a fierce, deep kiss, finding a steady rhythm, becoming faster while Kurt moaned for more and he felt how close Blaine was. How close he himself was and he didn't need a hand, he came, untouched right after Blaine, who was shaking, mouth open, eyes screwed shut. Painting, coming down from their orgasm Kurt reminded himself to easy his grip around Blaine's shoulders. But he felt boneless, sated and so, so satisfied and happy that he just lay there, breathing in Blaine's scent, listening to his heartbeat, his breath, until his shaking hands were caressing Kurt's sweaty back.

“Nice welcome.”

Lazily he hummed and found the strength to move his head so he could look into Blaine's golden eyes, which were shining so ridiculously adorable.

“Hi,” he smiled back and Blaine laughed quietly until he moved, so he slipped out of Kurt, laying him down next to him and rolled off the condom and threw it into the small bin.

“If this is what I get for being absent for so long,” he began to say as he lay next to Kurt and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close: “Maybe I should find a hobby that keeps me busy?”

“If you want to make me mad at you,” Kurt teased him back.

“Mmmh. No, that's not what I want.”

Kurt sighed deeply through his nose, nuzzling against Blaine's neck and kissing his skin, while also he slid his arms around his boyfriend.

“I really missed you.”

Although those were such simple words, Kurt felt his heart beating so fast that he was sure Blaine could feel it and he understood what this meant.

“Me too,” he breathed into Kurt's ear, pressed him closer just to pull back so he could look into his eyes: “But now I'm here and I'm almost done with everything.”

This warm smile made Kurt always so weak and he always wanted to kiss him, when he did this. So Kurt gave in, kissing him sweetly and both smiled wide.

“Therefore, we need to make ourselves presentable and go out. It's Valentine’s Day and I would love to take you out for dinner.”

“Like a date?”

“Like a date,” Blaine nodded.

“So you are ready to do this?”

Blaine nodded again.

* * *

It was Blaine who drove them to a small nice restaurant in Huston – decorated on occasion of Valentine’s Day – and he did everything Kurt saw in the movies when people had their first date. He opened him the doors, pulled the chair back when Kurt sat down and he didn't know if he should felt spoiled or embarrassed. But it was Blaine and it made him happy to do this, so Kurt kept all his sassy comments for himself. They sat at a table for two, a white candle burning in the middle of the table, between some red roses.

“You are okay?” he asked just to be sure, because although they both looked handsome, calm and more than happy he wondered if Blaine was just wearing a perfect mask to hide his insecurity.

“It's new, I won't deny that, but I'm fine,” his boyfriend smiled and sat down, handing the menu cart to Kurt, who just smiled back and opened the cart. Yeah, everything was fine, everything went slow but fine and it seemed like this waiting for each other and missing the other one finally showed his reward. His eyes moved up and down the menu, undecided what to choose because he wasn't really that hungry. So a glass of wine would be nice and maybe some salad.

“Kurt?”

Smiling he looked up and saw Blaine's face which caused his smile to fade. His eyes were wide, his face almost white like he just saw a ghost and his hands were gripping the edge of the table so ha rd that his fingers turned white. Kurt closed the cart and wanted to turn around but Blaine suddenly stood up and grabbed his hand. He turned his head back, looking at Blaine's face, how he pressed his lips together, how his eyes were pleading for something.

“We need to go, please.”

“O... okay?”

He never left a restaurant as fast as he did this day. Blaine held his hand so tight that it almost hurt. His feet were moving so fast that he didn't recognize when they reached the car.

“Blaine, wait.”

But Blaine didn't listen. He rummaged in his pockets for the keys and ignored Kurt completely.

“Blaine?”

Again nothing and then he had enough, grabbed for Blaine's hand to stop him and finally he was looking into his eyes. Still they were wide, somehow in shock and even his face was still that pale like some seconds ago.

“What happened?”

“I... I just... there was... uhm.”

He crossed his arms before his chest, not even knowing why it made him somehow upset that Blaine didn't say what was wrong. He knew there were things both still kept from each other and being together for just 4 months made it pretty understandable. However, Blaine's face didn't lie and it basically screamed that something was totally wrong. Something inside this restaurant happened, someone, who made Blaine look like that.

“Don't lie to me? Okay?”

He became calm – a bit – and now his expression changed from shock to drained. Almost abandoned.

“It... was my ex-boyfriend.”

“Your ex boyfriend?”

“Yeah... we broke up some weeks ago.”

Kurt raised both of his eyebrows, completely confused. He knew about some ex-boyfriend but he didn't know that there were only some weeks... wait a sec.

“Weeks?!”

And there it was again. Blaine's eyes gone wide in shock, his mouth fell open, closed again and his body rigid. He was uncomfortable, he was out of words and struggling. But with what? Kurt just felt how his mind started to spin, how a bad, cold feeling crawled over his skin.

 


	18. Chapter 18

_Weeks.... weeks..._ this word ran through his head over and over again. And it made no sense. Nothing made really sense right now or Kurt just didn't want to understand. Blaine told him about his ex boyfriend, he did, but he said it like they were not together for more than just weeks.

“Get in the car,” Kurt said and his boyfriend nodded slowly.

Kurt drove them back home, while Blaine sat clearly uncomfortable in the passenger seat. They weren't talking or looking at each other but they both felt the bad tension. Kurt tried everything to calm himself down, to not just jump into conclusions or anything. Maybe he understood it all wrong – whatever he thought he understood – and everything wasn't bad at all. Maybe he understood Blaine wrong when he told him about his ex, maybe everything was just nothing to be upset about. Maybe...

He drove faster, only focusing on the streets, the other cars and trying to avoid his thoughts. It wasn't that bad, it couldn't be that bad.

 

Inside his apartment Kurt locked the door, left his jacket on the coat hook and went to the living room, Blaine right behind him. He ran his hand through his hair, feeling how nervous he became, how the insecurity came back and he wasn't sure if he could look at Blaine right now. His shocking expression was still vivid in his memory, still giving him this odd feeling like he missed something important, like he had been fooled. Fooled by his boyfriend and letting this thought take place in his mind made everything even worse. It took him so much to not think that, but now it was all crashing down and he needed all his sanity, all his strength to not to speak his speculation out loud.

“Kurt,” Blaine sighed and came closer: “I'm sorry.”

“Sorry for what exactly?” he asked, feeling how his eyes began to burn and he hoped – as he turned around – Blaine wouldn't see it. However, it wasn't just Kurt who felt hurt and confused, it was also Blaine. His big honey eyes were watery, his fave pale like he noticed how he lost something important, like he saw a ghost and his hands were fists, like he wasn't sure what to do with them.

They stood there, staring at each other and Kurt was the one who broke the silence and sat down on the couch.

“Maybe you should explain it to me. I think I have the right to know whatever is going on.”

“It's nothing Kurt,” Blaine didn't wait to speak and followed him.

“Nothing? Blaine, you just said to me that you broke up with him. Weeks ago. Weeks, Blaine,” he was angry, he really was and his voice was louder than usual: “I don't know what you understand under weeks. Three? Five?”

“Kurt, it's not... it's not really like that. I'm not cheating or anything.”

“Then tell me, when did you broke up with him?”

Although it made him a bit calmer to hear, Blaine wasn't cheating it still didn't fit inside his head. It also didn't explain why Blaine was so shocked, so eager to leave the restaurant.

“December,” his boyfriend groaned and sat down, keeping enough space between them.

“Before us?”

And Blaine's look was all Kurt needed to see the get the answer. His eyes shoot up, gazing at him, wide and insecure. Blaine's body was tense, his hands grabbing the couch and his own tight, while he swallowed and swallowed.

“This is great. Really, this is great, Blaine.”

“No, wait, let me explain!”, Kurt felt Blaine's hand holding his before he could stand up, before he could do something silly like throwing something through the room, like yelling, like something he didn't want to do but needed to forget the hurt inside his heart. It hurt so bad because he felt like a fool. He was ready to give Blaine everything, he was ready to pull down his walls and tell him everything, he was so ready because he was happy with him. Because Blaine trusted him, wanted him and did things to him, no one ever made him feel this way. And now it all just hurt.

“Kurt, I admit, I had a boyfriend, actually it was my roommate when this all between us began. I knew what I was doing and I... I wanted to break up with him before... things got serious. But I couldn't and not because I was unsure, not because I felt something for him. I couldn't because we... he was the one who helped me out of my black hole I was living in.”

His blue eyes moved to Blaine's face, seeing his desperate expression, seeing his pleading eyes that Kurt would understand and believe him and he wasn't sure what hurt more. His own heart or seeing his boyfriend like this.

“He got beaten up by some idiots the day I wanted to break up with him and I felt sorry and like I owed him to be there for just one more day. Be there for him like he was always there for me. But I told you he changed, everything was already broken and... the night before Christmas, I broke up with him because I wanted to be with you and he found it out.”

And he hit him, Kurt thought. It was his ex who hit Blaine, who forced him to come out, who did all these awful things to his boyfriend. It made him angry, of course, there was no way he could deny this. But it didn't change the fact that Blaine was cheating. Not only on Kurt but also on his ex boyfriend. He maybe said nothing, he maybe wasn't lying but it made nothing better.

“I understand that, Blaine,” he said with a calm voice and took his hand out of Blaine's: “But it doesn't change anything you did.”

“Kurt, please, I... I'm not like that. I...”

“I understand it, Blaine. I know why you did what you did,” he said and stood up, rubbing his face and shaking his head like he tried to clear his mind. He wasn't stupid and he wasn't heartless, he knew and understood why Blaine couldn't just leave him and be with Kurt, completely. Although his ex was an awful person, although he didn't deserve Blaine, he saved him and gave him the space and place to be who he was, even if it meant he could only be himself behind the walls of an apartment. It was just, who said Blaine wouldn't do it again? What if, one day when Kurt wasn't enough or someone else came... would he do it again?

“I need some sleep, okay?”

“O... okay,” Blaine breathed and Kurt left the room rubbing his eye.

 

* * *

He couldn’t sleep at all, not one minute. Knowing that Blaine was cheating on him – or kind of but it was cheating still – and that he found this out on Valentines Day, on a day when Kurt really understood just how much he felt for this boy hurt so bad, that he couldn't close his eyes without imagining, without remembering what he saw and what was said. Blaine's shocked face, his helplessness because he couldn't deal with what he did, because he probably thought he would lose Kurt and honestly, Kurt thought about that too. He never wanted to start anything serious with someone who was taken and he never wanted to be a part of someone who was cheating. Even if he understood why, even if he couldn't be really angry at Blaine, it still hurt just to know what he could do. But there was also the other side in his mind and especially, in his heart. A strong side, stronger than any hurt, any doubt and any logic and it hit him so hard that he almost chocked on his breath. He knew Blaine since October, 4 months but he really got to know him since Christmas and those were almost 2 months. Was it enough time to feel like this? Were 2 months enough to say that he loved him? It didn't feel like 2 months when he was honest. It felt like he knew this boy for years and it scared him at some point. Falling so hard, trusting him and supporting him without any doubt and then, hearing all this? But he did so much for Kurt, so many things because he wanted to do it, because he wanted to see him happy. Blaine gave him so much and made one mistake while he tried to get out of his misery. And Kurt... Kurt wasn't really better. He knew Blaine read his book, that he wanted to be like the boy, brave, coming out and living his life without lies, without hiding and pretending. And Kurt said nothing about that it was his book, a part of his story. He was the one who hid things too, who lied in some way. And why? Because he wanted to hide his failure, hide that he wasn't good enough to even write a story although it is his dream to be an author. No, he wasn't any better than Blaine.

“Shit,” groaning he turned to the other side of the bed, Blaine's side which was empty and cold. What was he doing? Blaming Blaine for something he didn't want to do and at the same time he was doing the same thing. Hiding, being quiet just to protect himself, maybe, at some crazy point even protect Blaine.

A deep sigh left his mouth and annoyed with himself he stood up, left his room and walked, quietly into the living room. There was light coming from the coffee table and those were the candles he left always left there. And Blaine was sitting there, not moving but his head down and he was not the only one who couldn't sleep. His blue eyes watched the back of Blaine's head for some seconds until he found the strength to move his unsure feet. He heard Blaine sobbing, saw how he wrote a message on his phone and as Blaine noticed Kurt was there his eyes went wide, red rimmed but so beautiful.

“Kurt...” he whispered, his voice rough from crying and as Kurt moved a bit faster Blaine left his phone on the table, stood up quickly and came up to Kurt, closing the distance, both wrapping their arms around each other and holding, close, so close it almost hurt.

He was crying, crying into Blaine's shoulder, clutching like he was his lifeline. And in some crazy way he was.

“I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry,” his boyfriend sobbed, holding Kurt so desperate that he didn't care how much it hurt.

“I'm sorry too. I know you aren't like that.”

He held him for a while, felt his wet cheek against his neck, felt Blaine's hands holding him, felt how Blaine leaned back and their lips met. Salty, wet and desperate. He loved him, so much it hurt in the best way. However, it wasn't the time to say this. Not now. All he could give him were kisses, promises but not everything. Not yet.

“Can we... sit down,” Kurt whispered and Blaine nodded, sniffling and holding Kurt's hand.

 

They lay there on the couch – after sharing some kisses, I'm sorrys, giving each other the comfort they needed – facing each other arms resting around the other and both faces puffy from crying, eyes red and they looked just horrible. But it didn't matter. It was okay, they needed this.

“I know this... doesn't mean things are okay,” Blaine was the first who spoke.

“I... don't want to break up with you. But I think... maybe we should take a break.”

His boyfriend kissed his hand, the one he was holding and after some seconds he just nodded.

“Blaine... this... it doesn't mean that it's easy for me.” No, because thinking about this but saying it out loud were two different things. It was said, it was out and he couldn't take his words back. All he could do now was explaining himself. Explaining why it wasn't easy but why it was the best way for them. Maybe. And maybe it was completely stupid to do this.

“I really don't want to break up with you. I really don't want this. But I know, there are things you need to do alone and things I need to do alone. And... without you... without us I wouldn't be ready to do this.”

Blaine just listened to him, watched him and still smiling.

“You helped me and I helped you. And we both shared so much in such a small time, did so much for each other... but we can't fix each other at the same time. That's why I think, we should do what needs to be done and then... start all over again.”

“I understand that Kurt,” he tried to calm Kurt down who was basically breathing too fast for his own good: “We just... I think we both found what we needed to move on. Together at the beginning and now... alone. I get that.”

_I love you. I love you so much that it's better to let you go for now._

“But there is one thing I... I need you to promise me.”

Kurt blinked, two times looking at Blaine quizzically.

“Even if we aren't boyfriends anymore... I need you as a friend. I know, I have to do all those things alone. But you know me and what I've been through and...”

“I said I'll be there for you, Blaine.”

“And I said I would fuck things up.”

They shared a quiet laugh until Kurt cuddled closer, buried his face into Blaine's neck and breathing is scent in. Probably for the last time until... until they were like this again. Whenever this was supposed to happen.

“And... I'll be there for you too, Kurt. Don't forget that.”

“I won't.”

* * *

 

Although Blaine thought it would be the best way for both of them, it turned out that it was the worst they could do. The only good thing in all of this was, that he was on spring break and could do whatever the hell he wanted to do. And that was sleeping in his bed or drinking at night. He did this straight for three weeks after they broke up. He knew what he had to do, he knew he had to go out to his friends, tell them who he was, that he was gay and hopelessly in love with a boy he hurt so bad, that he was disgusted with himself. It was wrong from the beginning, well the alcohol told him that while Kurt told him, he understood why Blaine did it.

_Whatever..._

He had time, enough time to do things. As soon as his classes would start again he would do it. Two weeks more misery wouldn't change anything. But he didn't think about Cooper. Cooper, who came inside Blaine's room and slammed the door behind him.

“I have enough of that,” he said, anger in his voice while Blaine put a pillow over his head and turned around.

“Blaine, that's enough. Didn't you say to me that, as soon as Kurt and you got your shit straight you want to be together again?”

“Leave me alone, Coop. Let me have my misery for two weeks more.”

But he should have known it better. Cooper just took his pillow away, his blanket and Blaine turned around looking at his brother with anything but annoyance. He had a small beard, his curls were a mess and the clothes he wore were three days old.

“You smell like a bar, you look like a caveman and you think I'll let you do this for two more weeks?”

“I might think that,” he snapped and tried to get his pillow back but Cooper just threw it to the floor.

“Come on, stand up, take a shower, shave your face and I'll see you in the kitchen.”

Blaine wanted to protest but his brother gave him a look that Blaine knew, too well.

“You have thirty minutes.”

 

Blaine had to admit that he felt much better after his shower, after he shaved his beard and put some fresh clothes on. He looked better but he didn't feel better, not at all. The last three weeks he wasn't sober and he didn't want to be because it meant that his brain would work right and everything would just come back. Their break up, that he couldn't call Kurt his boyfriend anymore. The last time he saw Kurt, even talked to Kurt was more than a month ago and neither Blaine nor Kurt wrote a message, called him or anything. It was completely silent like they were never a part of their life. Like it was all just a nice dream and nothing more and maybe, just maybe he really screwed everything up and Kurt needed more distance as he thought. Or, maybe, he wasn't doing that. Maybe he was just busy, doing what they both said they needed to do. To get their things straight, to figure out their problems and meet again and start all over again. Yeah, probably Kurt was doing that because he was more mature, smarter and stronger than Blaine was. No, he needed someone to hold his hand and lead him, he needed someone to tell him what to do and what not. All the confidence he had was gone after they broke up. Everything wasn't important anymore because he loved this boy too much; he needed him too much to do what he had to do. How should he come out, face his new path, all the changes without him? Was it stupid? Was it really stupid to fall for Kurt after only being together for two months?

“Finally,” Cooper said as Blaine stepped into the kitchen and went to the fridge. But there was no beer, there was no alcohol at all and he turned around, staring at his brother:”I'm no 5 year-old kid Cooper.”

“No, but you can't deny the fact, that you are addicted.”

Blaine said nothing and sat down on the chair while Cooper stood up, filled a mug with coffee and placed it right in front of Blaine.

“I believed you, when you told me, that you were drinking just to forget. But seeing what it does to you tells me, that you weren't honest to me and to yourself. You are addicted to alcohol.”

“Am I, huh? Then, tell me, why was I able to stay sober for months, ignoring the Christmas party.”

“Well, maybe because your idiot of ex boyfriend helped you?”

He pressed his lips to a small line and focused on his coffee.

“At least one thing I can thank him for,” his brother grumbled and sat down, taking a sip of his coffee while Blaine felt his blue eyes on him. Like his brother tried to read his mind, like he tried to figure out what was going on. But he couldn't he wasn't there when everything happened and Blaine didn't know if he should be thankful that Cooper was here now or not. It was like his brother tried to fix the time he wasn't there. He felt how he became sober slowly and he didn't want that. Being sober meant that he was able to think straight, to think what he should do, think about Kurt, think about how much he fucked up.

“I don't understand you, Blaine. I mean, I know I wasn't there when you needed me and I missed a lot of stuff. But I'm here now; I saw you before you and Kurt were a thing and how much you changed. And I don't understand how you can let this go. Just, like that.”

“We had two months Cooper,” Blaine tried to convince himself, convince Cooper that those two months were nothing, they couldn't change so much. But he knew it better and so did Cooper. Of course he did. He was his brother, he was an adult, older and more mature.

“Sometimes it's enough to know a person or to fall in love with a person.”

Blaine froze within his movement and was staring at his brother, while his heart began to beat against his chest, hard, fast like the last time when he was close to Kurt. The last time, that was weeks ago. And it hurt, it hurt so bad to hear how he felt, to truly realize how he felt about him and to know that he lost him, for now. Maybe for good.

“You, didn't tell him that?”

“It didn't feel right.”

They became silent, Blaine focusing on his coffee and Cooper focusing on Blaine. It never felt right to tell it because Blaine never felt like the somebody he wanted to be. Giving Kurt someone even Blaine didn't know is not fair and telling him how he felt, while everything else was still a mess made it just wrong. But he wanted to say this, he wanted it so much.

“Well then, let's make it right,” his brother said like it was the easiest thing on the world.

“What?”

“Make it right, Blaine. You know what you have to do and I promise you, as soon as you feel better with who you are and found out who you are, everything will turn out good.”

Blaine pursed his lips in disapproval and took a sip from his coffee.

“I know you both love each other. Kurt is my student and you are my brother. I saw you both before you were together and when you were together. And I know you both have things you need to figure out alone. But you love him and he loves you.”

“Did he say that to you?”

Cooper smiled, wide, with sparkling eyes and shook his head: “No. But I know it.”

“Mhm,” Blaine hummed not convinced and then watched how Cooper stood up and went to the corridor and put his shoes on.

“Where are you going?”

“You mean, where we are going,” he took his jacket, Blaine's too and went back to the kitchen: “I want to help you.”

 

Without really knowing why, he found himself sitting in Cooper’s car and waiting for him. Well, the reason probably was because Blaine knew Cooper wouldn't let him live his misery for two more weeks and he was too tired and not in the mood for a big fight with his brother. Therefore he gave in and maybe it was the best decision in the past three weeks. Cooper was not Kurt, sure he wasn't, but Blaine trusted him and if he could get any support he would choose his brother. Without his brother he had no place to go, no one to talk, nothing and this guy only wanted his best and Blaine acted like a fool. He should be grateful and listen to his brother. He should, but...

“Where are we going?” Blaine asked as Cooper climbed into the driver seat and started the engine.

“You'll see,” was all he said.

Blaine stayed quiet, looking out of the window, watching how the sky was covered by dark clouds and slowly rain drop after rain drop fell down until it turned into a heavy rain. They drove out of the town, on the highway and there was nothing but the street, some cars and trees to the left and right. Blaine didn't know this road. This wasn't the way to Linoi or a shortcut to his uni. This way leaded him to a place he didn't visit for almost a year now. A place he almost forgot even existed.

“No,” Blaine breathed, his eyes wide as he turned his head and was staring at his brother: “We are not driving there!”

“Calm down, Blaine. They need to know it, I know Dad is a jerk but...”

“Exactly, Cooper! Dad is an idiot. He will beat the crap out of me if he knows it.”

“He is our father, he won't. I won't let that happen.”

Blaine was scared, almost in panic and he shook his head. No, his dad wouldn't understand it, he just wouldn't. He would blame him for who he is, tell him that it's wrong and shove Blaine into more misery than he already was.

“You weren't there Cooper! You left, you don't know him or Mom!”

Blaine was moving his hands, he didn't know what to do with himself he just wanted to run away, leave this car, hide somewhere. Damn it! He wanted to go back to his bed, drown his thoughts with alcohol.

“Calm, the fuck, down, Blaine! I'm driving!”

“I won't do this! No, they will force me back, they'll be furious,” he started to mumbled to himself, working at his seat belt to open it.

“Blaine, what are you doing!?” Cooper grabbed his arm and then there was a bright light, everything began to twist, everything moved way to fast. Blaine felt like he was leaving his body, he heard Cooper he saw the light, then darkness and then. Silence.

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

It wasn't easy for Kurt, not at all. Two months were enough for him to realize something he thought, he would never find. Something that wasn't there yet but he thought, together, they would find it. It was just that Blaine gave him what he needed to actually change his misery. He changed Kurt, he opened his eyes and Kurt remembered who he was, who he wanted to be and he needed to figure this out alone. Like Blaine needed to do this. He saw how Blaine changed, how he became more comfortable with himself, confident; and Kurt thought they both went on the right way and would heal each other while they were together. It was just this stuff with his ex-boyfriend was something he couldn't help Blaine with. Being together with someone, because you felt the need that you owed this person yourself was... not right. And it scared Kurt at some point that, maybe, Blaine wasn't over his ex-boyfriend. That, maybe, he would go back whenever something bad happened to him. Not because he loved him, not because he wanted to be with him but because he felt like he owed it to him.

That's why he thought it was better to figure stuff out alone, while they were no boyfriends. Which was the dumbest thing he probably ever did. Leaving Blaine, although they said they would be there for each other as friends, although he could call him anytime he wanted to, it wasn't the same. He missed him so much that, whenever he was alone with his thoughts he almost couldn't handle it. All he wanted to do was to call him, to be together with him again and just forget everything and do it what needed to be done with him. Kurt wanted to do that but it wouldn't help them. No, he was sure about that. That's why he was more than happy when Rachel came back, when he was writing his book, talking with his reader and exchanging e-mails with Nathan. The perfect distraction, but never enough. Especially when he went to sleep. The bed was empty, it was cold and there was no tiny body, warm, close and calmed him down. And Blaine not calling him for three weeks, not sending him a message, nothing, made Kurt almost insane.

 

“Maybe you should meet this Nathan guy, Kurt,” Rachel said one Friday evening.

“Why should I do that? I think it's fine how it is. We are talking about my book, he reads my new chapters and we stay totally objective. No private stuff, nothing.” It was true though. He never wrote Nathan about Blaine, or about his private life at all. They were friends, kind of. A level where they only talked about characters, emotions, issues that happened in his book. This was fine, this was him writing his story down and getting an objective opinion without being biased. If Nathan knew about his life, about his book – which was telling parts of his life – he wouldn't be that honest, probably.

“I understand that and I'm happy about that,” she smiled and sat down, next to him on the couch: “It seems like you are comfortable with yourself again. And you are sure about what you do, which is why I believe your next book will be a success.”

He smiled at her and held his mug, the mug Blaine used to drink of.

“But I also see how much you miss him, Kurt.”

“Rachel, he'll call me. He just needs time,” and he wasn't sure who he tried to convince. Him or her.

“From what I know, Blaine has really huge problems to solve and I doubt it will happen soon. And this Nathan guy seems to be nice and you are single again. You are allowed to meet new people, start new things. You are twenty, Kurt. You are young. Maybe you and Blaine will meet again and maybe be together again but we both don't know when.”

All he did is nodding because Rachel didn't know everything. He told her about Blaine and his struggles, not all of them just a small summary and he also didn't tell her about his feelings. Those feelings who grew bigger and bigger and he understood that there was no way he would ever find someone like Blaine. Maybe it was his young mind telling him this, maybe he was naive and wanted to believe this, but it just felt right. So right that, during the three weeks without Blaine made it so clear to him. He wanted forever, with Blaine, but now wasn't the time.

“I'll think about it, okay?”

They shared a smile and then she left to the kitchen, asking him if he wanted another tea and Kurt agreed. Not knowing how Blaine was doing, where he was or if they would meet again, soon or not, was frustrating and hurt. Sure, he could have wrote Blaine a message and ask him how things were, but it wasn't him who had those big problems. He knew who he was, he knew what he wanted to do, but he wasn't stable yet and that's why it would have been unfair, if he called Blaine.

No, it was Blaine who needed to call him and be sure about himself.

Still, Kurt was worried, really worried.

 

It was Saturday night, almost 2a.m. when his phone rang. The sound crawled painfully into his ears and with heavy arms he reached out for his phone on the nightstand, asking, who the hell would call him at such an hour. Or maybe he was just dreaming, Kurt didn't know for sure.

“'ello,” he mumbled as the phone lay on his pillow against his ear.

“Kurt?” someone sobbed, voice thick and high.

In just some seconds he was fully awake, his body tense, his heart almost stopped beating until it pounded too fast against his chest.

“Blaine?” he heard another sob, a whimper: “Blaine, what happened?”

He heard Blaine inhaling, deep, shaking and he saw in his mind how Blaine rubbed his eyes, his gelled hair and probably leaned against a wall, headboard or anything.

“Calm down, okay? Where are you?”

“Hospital, Haston. Kurt... it's my fault. I fucked up... again.”

Kurt stood up, went to his closet and picked out some clothes.

“Calm down, I'll be right there, okay? Just stay where you are, I'll be right there.”

“Kurt,” and then Blaine cried and Kurt's heart almost broke.

“It's okay Blaine. Just wait,” he didn't know what to do. All he did is changing his clothes, grabbing his phone after he changed and hearing Blaine sobbing again. He said calming words, said that he would be there soon, that everything would be okay and Blaine asked him if he really would do that, that he was sorry, that it was his fault, whatever he considered as his fault, whatever happened, Kurt had no idea what he was talking about. He was in the hospital, which meant he was hurt? Oh God, please don't be hurt, he thought and left his room to find Rachel, still not awake standing in her door frame.

“What happened?” she asked and her eyes went wide as she saw Kurt's face. Panic, sheer panic was there and he was more pale than ever before.

“I'll be right there, okay? I need to hang up.”

“Okay,” was all Blaine said and then Kurt pulled his phone into his jacket pocket.

“Blaine's at the hospital. I don't know what happened but he is completely confused and crying like crazy.”

“Oh God, do you think...”

“I don't want to think about that. He called me, he spoke to me so I guess he is fine... or kind of. I don't know.”

His shaking fingers grabbed his shoes while Rachel handed him the keys for the car.

“Do you need me?”

“No, I'm fine. Just stay here, I'll call you,” he said, without looking at her, only taking the keys and walking quickly to the door.

“Take care and drive safe!”

 

He never drove as fast as tonight, through the heavy rain with his racing heart and although he knew, Blaine was probably fine he was worried. So worried that he needed to slap himself to focus on the street. There was only Blaine on his mind, only Blaine, Blaine, Blaine and nothing else. What might have happened didn't occur his thoughts for one second. It took him almost an hour until he arrived at the hospital, parked the car and ran through the rain. Not caring about his hair, or his clothes or anything else. All he needed was to see Blaine, alive. Inside he stopped at the reception, asking for Blaine Anderson and the brown haired women told him he was in the first floor, then she said something else but Kurt didn't listen. He jumped up the stairs raindrops falling from his jacket, his hair as he stood still and observed the corridor. White walls, gray floor and silence, complete silence. His breath was fast, his blue eyes wide, focused and then he heard a sob, a familiar one and turned around. There he was, sitting on a chair, next to a window, leaning against the wall, his head in his neck and eyes so read, filled with tears.

“Blaine,” he said, walking, faster and as Blaine saw him his expression fell. He began to cry, stood up, so slow like his body was too heavy for him alone. As Kurt came closer, pulled him gently into a, maybe, too tight embrace he noticed the blood on Blaine's white T-Shirt, noticed the scratch on his cheek, on his arms and how tired he was, how confused and how much he clung on Kurt. More than the night they broke up.

“Oh God...” he breathed and touched Blaine's back, his head, searching for he didn't know what but was relieved that he was in one piece: “I'm here now. It's okay.”

“It's not,” Blaine cried into his shoulder, his wet jacket, his cold skin. Blaine was shaking in his arms, like a lost child searching for a safe place and Kurt hoped he was enough now because he was unsure what he could do to help him. He was just so, so relived Blaine was alive and not in a white bed, not able to walk, to do anything.

“Come... let's... let's sit down, okay?”

A weak nod and Blaine let Kurt lead him to the chairs, while Kurt never let go of him. His hand was always on Blaine, his arm, his shoulder, somewhere but it was there and he needed to feel him, to realize he wasn't dreaming.

With his thumb he wiped away his tears, tried to smile at him but it broke as soon as he saw the red rimmed, golden eyes. The usually gelled hair was a mess, curls where sticking out in each direction. His skin color wasn't healthy and his blood stained clothes made him look like he killed someone or that under his clothes he was bleeding.

Something happened, someone got hurt, badly and it wasn't Blaine. His scratches never could have bleed that heavy to make his white shirt look like that. Maybe he had a fight? Maybe he was a victim of a robbery or something?

“Take your time, okay? I'm here, I won't go anywhere,” he whispered as Blaine did nothing but sitting there, tears falling and still shaking. What should he do? Forcing Blaine to speak wasn't right and Kurt would never do that. But seeing the person he loves the most like this broke his heart into a million pieces and all he wanted was to be enough. To be just enough to calm Blaine down.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered with a hoarse voice and closed his eyes: “I'm sorry that I was cheating. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to be who I am. For making you so many worries. You, all the people around me.”

“Hey, ssh, it's alright,” Kurt placed his hands around Blaine's face, trying to make him look into his eyes, but he was focused on the floor: “I'm not mad at you. No one is.” He kissed his temple with the hope it would calm Blaine down, then he wrapped his arms around him, again, gently, his forehead leaning against Blaine's temple while he was still staring at the floor, like there where all answers he needed, all the words written down he needed to say.

“Why do I always fuck up? Why do I always hurt the people around me? Cooper is lying there, fighting with his life because I was so stupid.”

He tried so hard to sooth him, he tried but Kurt knew how hard it was. The time when his father had a heart attack, when he didn't know if he would make it or not... Kurt was the same. Worried to hell, scared to hell and blaming himself for this. He understood Blaine, he really did.

“He wanted to help me, Kurt,” he cried, his voice high and his hands buried in his face, sliding up to his curls: “He wanted to help me, to come out to my parents... he surprised me while... while we drove and I started to panic, to go crazy and wanted to jump out of the car, it was raining... there was rain everywhere... and then... then there was a light, another car... Cooper... he reacted fast enough... keeping me safe while the car... It's all my fault. It's all my fault.”

Kurt bit his lower lip, holding Blaine closer, drawing circles on his back to calm him down but he cried, he just cried and it felt like an eternity until Blaine was just sobbing, drifting on and off to sleep while his head rested in Kurt's lap and his body on the other chairs. It was dark outside, still raining, almost 4a.m. And they both were cold, they both were tired and Kurt said nothing about what Blaine had told him. Blaming him for this accident, blaming him for his fear to come out, for all his fears wasn't right and especially not now. Saying it wasn't Blaine's fault wouldn't change anything. All he did is watching Blaine, running his hand through his curls, the other one holding his hand and waiting. Waiting for him to speak, waiting for him to move, to do anything, to say what he needed.

“Thank you,” Blaine whispered, his golden eyes looking up to Kurt.

“I told you, I'll be there for you.”

“Not for that... I mean, for that too... but. Thank you for not saying it's my fault.”

Kurt gave him a small, warm smile: “Sometimes bad stuff happens and we can do nothing against it.”

“Yeah... I remember. Your dad.”

Silence, again. His golden eyes moved back down, stuck on Kurt's belly while Kurt soothed him.

“You should eat something, and drink something. And change your clothes.”

“I don't want to leave.”

“Blaine, right now, all we can do is wait. If you just stay here, hungry and dirty you won't help anybody.”

Their eyes met, they looked at each other for a while and then, slowly, Blaine nodded and sat up. A sniffle, he rubbed his nose like a five-year-old and his red rimmed eyes were still on Kurt. His face was puffy, still wet from all the tears and so, so tired.

“Why are you always right?”

“I'm not,” Kurt smiled: “I just try to do the right thing.”

“And it's always the right thing.”

_Breaking up with you wasn't right._ Kurt didn't say that. Breaking up with Blaine was the right thing to do so they could move on and become those people they wanted to be. But it was not right for his own good or for his happiness.

“You look like a mess,” Kurt smiled and tried to bring a curl in order but they were stubborn and both shared a small laugh, Kurt's clear, Blaine's more like a sob.

“I'm... going to ask the doctor how he is. They won't let me inside.”

“Okay.”

Blaine stood up, turning around as he wanted to leave and eying Kurt like, he wasn't sure what to say or if he was real.

“You... you'll be here when I come back?”

A warm smile.

“Of course.”

 

* * *

 

They said Coopers injuries were bad. They said they did all they can do. They said they weren't sure if he would make it. Cooper was in a coma and from what Blaine had told him, he looked pretty bad. And it was pretty bad. Kurt knew this feeling. This helplessness, this fear of losing one of the most important people in your life. He knew it too well. He wanted to help but he didn't know how, he wanted to fix everything but he didn't know how. Kurt blamed himself for what happened with his dad in the past and Blaine did the same. But right now he had Kurt, he had someone who loved him and would take care of him. And Blaine was different from Kurt at this point. While Kurt wanted to do everything alone Blaine was more than grateful for him being there. Maybe he needed someone to be there even if he was afraid to hurt someone again.

“We can walk if you want to,” Kurt said as they stood next to his car, while the rain kept on falling.

“No, it's fine... I.. I'll just close my eyes.”

But he was tense, just by looking at the car. His eyes wide, his hands a fist and Kurt did something, he said he wouldn't do until they were back together. If they ever would get back together. Just now it seems to be the right thing, maybe the only thing to calm him down and it wouldn't be like... not okay.

“Hey,” Kurt whispered, his hand wiping away some of his wet curls from his forehead and leaned to him, kissing his with rain covered lips, feeling how his body slowly relaxed and God... how much he missed kissing him. Those perfect, still warm lips.

“It's gonna be okay,” he breathed, their eyes closed, their foreheads touching and the smaller guy nodded.

 

On their way to Coopers apartment Kurt held Blaine's hand all the time. He felt how he still was shaking, from time to time he took a glimpse to see his face. But all he saw were closed eyes and the breath leaving and filling his chest. After twenty minutes, with Blaine telling him where Cooper was living Kurt parked on Coopers parking lot and helped Blaine out of the car. They held hands, walking into the white huge building, in the elevator, even as Blaine opened the door to Coopers apartment. He never let go and Kurt let him. Honestly, he didn't want it any other way. Holding his hand and knowing he was there, he was real, although he looked so tired, so hurt with all his scratches, with his with blood smeared T-Shirt. They slipped out of their shoes, their jackets and Blaine didn't move at all. His eyes were staring into the corridor, like he didn't know were he is.

“You should take a shower,” Kurt said calmly, placing his hands on Blaine's tense shoulders: “And then eat something and sleep for some hours. You'll feel better after that.”

Kurt knew Blaine wasn't injured like his brother, the scratches and some bruises was all he had – Cooper kept him safe however he was able to do that – but it didn't mean that his mental state is fine.

“Can you... with me?” asking, like a child, unsure but only wanting someone close: “I won't hurt you. I promise.”

His big puppy eyes, glistening, pleading and so golden like never before were staring at Kurt and the scratch on his cheek, his wet curls, he looked so small, so lost, this hurt Kurt more than anything.

“Don't be silly,” he kissed his trembling lips and felt Blaine's hands holding his arms: “How can you hurt me when you only want me to hold you?”

“I'm sure I can,” he breathed against his lips.

“You won't, silly.”

 

Inside of the dark blue bathroom, Kurt slowly undressed Blaine because he was too tired, too much pain ran through his body and there were no words needed to make Kurt understand that. Between the undressing and starting the warm water in the shower they shared gentle kisses without knowing what those really meant. They weren't back together, he was sure Blaine knew that too, just now it felt like they both needed this. Like each kiss would make the hurt go more and more away. Like each kiss was just a reassurance that they weren't alone now. Yet, he loved Blaine, so much that he would probably kiss him whenever he could. No matter what they were, friends, boyfriends, whatever. And he knew, maybe tomorrow, maybe in some weeks he would regret this. It was like giving them both false hope. It was for sure false hope but it didn't matter right now. Kurt preferred to share this, for one last time, be Blaine's and Blaine's his at this very moment and later he could suffer. Later, in the far future he could cry about the silly boy he loved so much but couldn't take it how things were.

There was only one true hope. As soon as they fixed their life, their problems, everything that was bothering them, then maybe their ways would cross again. Maybe they were meant to be and meet again. Someday.

As both were naked, their wet clothes laying on the floor, he took Blaine by the hand, helping him up and watching his chest, his back as he stepped into the shower and saw all the purple marks. There were scratches too, blood and seeing this made everything even more real. He could have lost Blaine for good. Without Cooper he would have more than some scratches and bruises. Maybe he would lay in a coma too, maybe... he would have died and Kurt wouldn't stay here with him, under the warm water and feeling how his cold skin became warm again. Alive... he was alive and here and only this made his eyes burn. His hands roamed up Blaine's arms, gently trying not to hurt him because of the red scratches. His lips kissed Blaine's shoulder, the back of his neck while the water washed away the blood on this beloved skin. Then Blaine turned around, facing Kurt with his tired eyes as if he felt how close Kurt was about to cry. As if he felt how the realization hit him and he was sure his eyes were red, watery and showing Blaine how he felt. Oh yes, there was this bond between them, strong, telling them enough without saying one word loud. There was this bond both never felt before and they let it slip away. They both were silly and let it just slip out of their hands, although it was still there and would ever be.

The strong hands, which were so weak tonight captured Kurt's face gently, bringing him closer so Blaine could kiss him, briefly, enough to make sure this felt real.

“Don't cry, baby,” he whispered, the water still pouring on their heads, down their body and their hands roaming over the other one's skin. Snuffling, Kurt shook his head, kissed Blaine's forehead and continued washing him.

 

After their shower, wearing fresh pajamas and ate something they both went to Blaine's room. Kurt closed the jalousie, making the room dark enough so they both could sleep, or at least try to sleep. It was almost 6a.m., the sky turned brighter although the rain was still falling. He sent a short message to Rachel that he was with Blaine and that he was fine so far. Meanwhile Blaine sat on his bed, the turning on the bedside lamp and opening the healing ointment.

“Let me,” Kurt said gently as he came back and sat down while Blaine took his shirt off. He took some of the ointment with two fingers as Blaine lay down and then he was on his knees, over him covering his scratches on Blaine's arm with the ointment. They were quiet, silently breathing, hearing the rain falling on a soothing sound and he felt Blaine's eyes on him, watching him while his body was totally relaxed, calm and warm, so warm. He looked so much better but he was still hurt, he was for sure still fighting with what happened.

Blue eyes met golden, Kurt pursed his lips into a warm smile and then he took some of the ointment again, covering Blaine's chest, his other arm, slowly although he was tired too, although he just wanted to lay down, next to him and just sleep. Again, some ointment, kneeling over Blaine, holding himself up with the other arm and covering his cheek with the white cream.

His big honey eyes were still watching him, so warm, glistening, his eyelashes so beautiful and then he felt Blaine's hand on his arm, running gently up and opening his pink, dry lips.

“I love you.”

His heart skipped a beat, his hand froze, his whole body was still and his eyes were hanging on Blaine's. There was no doubt, no sadness, just pure earnest, warmth and relive. He meant it, he was sure and Kurt didn't know why he couldn't say it back. It was laying on his tongue, it was there but his mind didn't understand what actually happened. He only felt the warmth inside his belly, inside his heart and he wanted nothing more than this. Only this. Blaine's eyes went down to his hand, which was holding Kurt's, as he said nothing.

“You... don't have to say anything. I know... we are not back together or anything. I just... want you to know this. Knowing I could have died tonight, knowing I didn't call you or said how I feel although I was sure for a long time. I just want you to know this, because I realized how fast you can lose someone you love.”

His eyes were still on Blaine's face, watching his unreadable expression while he wiped his fingers dry in towel, between him and the curly haired guy.

“Cooper is so close to death and it should...”

“No one is going to die,” Kurt interrupted him, still smiling: “Not Cooper, or you, or anybody.”

There were, again, seconds filled with silence, with shared looks and after a while Blaine nodded slowly, no smile, nothing. The last time he saw Blaine smiling was when they broke up, and not even this smile had been honest. Not at all.

“Turn around, okay?” And Blaine did.

Kurt took care of Blaine's back, rubbing gently the health ointment over his scratches and as soon as he was ready he placed the towel and ointment back on the nightstand, while Blaine put his shirt back on and turned off the light, crawling behind Blaine and spooning him. He tried to hold him not too tight, he tried to keep some space because, despite the situation, despite everything that happened, this boy was still the person he loved so much and missed so much that he couldn't trust his young body.

It was not the right time and Blaine was hurt and he would only close his eyes, take some deep breathed and then fall asleep. It was just that Blaine didn't feel any different. Kurt felt his heartbeat, felt how Blaine's back was trembling with each beat and how his body heat grew and grew. Or maybe it wasn't like this, maybe he was dreaming, trembling and burning because of something else, eventually his thoughts found the answer he needed.

The large hand of Blaine held Kurt's, which was on his chest all the time and he shove their hands down, lower and lower until Kurt felt what he tried to black out. The smaller man was hard, like really hard and shivering. Not only because of the arousal, not only because Kurt was here and they both were used to this and enjoyed this. No, he was also ashamed that he felt like this after what happened. So ashamed that he said nothing, made no sound and just buried his face into the pillow. Kurt understood, he felt it, this bond between them told him everything, like Blaine.

“It's okay,” he whispered, kissing the back of his neck, while his hand wrapped around Blaine's cock and he moaned quietly. Oh God, there they went his good intents for tonight, there, right out of the room. Only feeling his hard cock in his hand, hearing Blaine's low, muffled moan was enough to make him hard and he pressed his hard on against Blaine's ass to show him, he wasn't any better, that he felt the same way Blaine did. With that Blaine reached behind himself, his fingers touching Kurt's cock and they both shared a low moan until they were stroking each other for a while.

It wasn't a good time for this, maybe they should feel some shame but Kurt didn't care nor Blaine. Life was about chances, about taking them because maybe, someday both would regret it. Some hours ago he might have lost him, forever and if this was the last moment for them to be like this, Kurt wanted it. More than anything else.

“Kurt...”, he heard Blaine breathing and opened his heavy eyes, feeling how closer he came to his orgasm, like the love in his arms.

“Inside... I... I need to feel you.”

A nod, a kiss on Blaine's shoulder and then he whispered: “Lube?”

Blaine's hand let off of Kurt – he swallowed by the loss – and reached out for the nightstand, opening the drawer and giving Kurt the bottle without turning back to him, without looking at him. He undressed himself first his pajama pans, then his shirt and helped Blaine to take off his pajamas, while he took his shirt off. There was just a small light coming from the the window with the half closed jalousie. Enough light to see Blaine, his skin, his bruises and scratches, enough to remind him how much pain Blaine still felt. How much he just went through in the past hours.

“You... you think you can handle this?” he asked him quietly, his fingers tracing over the bruises, gently not to hurt him.

“Yeah... trust me. I just need you.”

And he did. Kurt would always trust him although everyone would say it was foolish. He opened the bottle, poured some lube onto his fingers and warmed it up before he lay back, kissing Blaine behind his ear: “Tell me when it's too much.”

“Okay...”

His slick fingers found their way between his ass cheeks, running over and over again over Blaine's entrance while he was quiet, no sound, just his body speaking. Arching into Kurt's touch, asking for more and after he poured some more lube on his fingers he finally pressed one inside and, fuck... this wouldn't last for long. Blaine bottomed from time to time, but Kurt did it more often. So he wasn't surprised just how tight he felt around his one finger.

“Kurt...”

“I know,” he kissed his shoulder and let a second finger inside, opening him up gently, slowly and feeling how much more he wanted. It was just, if Blaine wasn't hurt, his body covered with scratches and bruises, he would give it to him. He would be faster, he would do everything Blaine asked for, but not now. Low muffled moans, his hips moving with Kurt's fingers and God, he wanted to turn him over, to kiss him, see his face and give him all. These false hope was like poison, like something he wanted to burn down and grab for the true hope right now. But no, any being like this was maybe better, the best way.

A third finger slipped inside, twisting, pumping in and out and both were breathing fast, sweating and after a while – which felt like eternity – he pulled his fingers out and kissed Blaine's shoulder again.

“Do you...”

“Can we not?” and for the first time Blaine turned his head so he could lock eyes with Kurt. He was crying, silently, the scratch on his cheek made him look so young and vulnerable and at the same time strong, grown up and so, so beautiful. He was drowning in the honey his eyes were, he was watching how he bit his lower lip and just how much, how deep and honest Blaine's love was for him. And Kurt just felt the same. The same hurt, the same pleasure and need.

“Relax, I don't want to hurt you.”

Forgotten was the question for a condom, forgotten what would happen when they woke up. Everything was just so not important at this very moment. Nothing but the two of them. Just Blaine. Just him. Their lips met, gently, then kissing lazily while Kurt covered his cock with lube, positioned himself and Blaine so that he still could kiss him and slide inside him, slowly, feeling just how tight he was. So tight he saw stars behind his eyes.

Blaine didn't complain, nothing, he just kissed Kurt, moaned with him and tried to move his body so Kurt could go deeper and deeper. It felt different, better, closer, so close like he never felt before to anybody. He wanted to melt with him, be one and forever. There was so much, almost too much he felt at this moment that, when he was completely buried inside Blaine, Kurt swallowed, choked for breath and waited for Blaine. Sweat dropped down his nose, ran down his cheek and they shared one last kiss until Blaine turned around, slowly, hissing quietly and whispering that he was fine.

“I just... need a moment.”

And Kurt gave him all the time he needed. Laying there, breathing deep, fast until they both were calm, Blaine holding Kurt's hand and squeezing it to tell him he could move. So Kurt did, sliding out so that only the head of his cock was inside and sliding back in. He repeated this, listening to Blaine's moans, feeling his body, caring about each reaction that was coming from Blaine because he doubted, that he would actually say it if Kurt hurt him. He felt pain, he for sure did but also pleasure and... home. They both felt this 'home' like they always did. They both felt this closeness, how different this was compared to the other times they had sex. It was more intimate, warmer, better, just more.

“More, baby...” he pleaded quietly, arching his back so he could kiss Kurt. He was so vulnerable, pleading, just so open, although everything was a mess, although they weren't back together. But Blaine didn't care. He showed Kurt how much he loved him, how much he trusted him and he didn't care how vulnerable he is.

_I love you so much._

He moved his hips faster, changing his position a bit so he could hit Blaine's prostate and he did it, judging by Blaine's face, his moan, how his eyes role back. Oh God... there was no way he would last any longer.

“Close...”

Kurt kissed his lips and Blaine stroked himself, moaning into Kurt's ear and breathing: “Come inside me.” And that was all he needed, Blaine's words, one last deep thrust and he was coming inside of him, hard like never before in his life. It was too much and not enough. It was too hot but still not enough. And as Blaine came, as he felt how he came Kurt almost blacked out for some seconds. He didn't recognize anything. Not that Blaine grabbed the towel and wiped himself clean, while he kissed Kurt's cheek, not how he slipped out of him and not how his own hand took the towel and cleaned Blaine's entrance. He only knew that Blaine was hurt, that he shouldn't move that much, that he was here for him, helping him in any situation. And then, as Blaine's thumb caressed his cheek, ran over his eyebrow he could think again, see Blaine again and feel how their hearts were beating, how much closer they were.

“Did I... did I hurt you?” his voice was husky, his mouth dry but he couldn't care less about himself.

“No,” and for the first time Blaine smiled. So warm, so sweetly, so in peace that it almost broke Kurt's heart because this was the most beautiful smile he had ever seen, because Blaine's eyes were so warm, so grateful, filled with so much love, although his eyes were still wet, like his cheeks. Because he knew, they weren't back together and wouldn't be. Not now, not tomorrow.

_God... I love you._

Kurt leaned down, kissing this beautiful smile and as he pulled back it was still there. It took him a lot to turn around, reaching for the bottle with water, because he really needed to something to wet his mouth. He gave Blaine the bottle who took a sip too and placed the bottle on his nightstand, turning around and facing Kurt. Calm, warm, relaxed and smiling, the way Kurt wanted to see him always.

“Sleep now, okay?”

Without any protest he nodded, shared one last, long sweet kiss and buried his face into Kurt's neck, snuggling close and fitting perfectly to his body. Kurt felt the scratch on Blaine's cheek against his skin, felt how his eyelashes fell shut and heard him whispering: “I love you,” and knew, how much it meant for Blaine to say this. How much he wanted Kurt to understand, how much Blaine himself understood that this was the last time for them being like this. And that's why Kurt just kissed his forehead, only this, with no word closing his eyes.

_I love you too._

 

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

His body was tired and hurt so bad the night before that he was really surprised how much better he felt the next morning. They slept until midday, snuggled together and kissing from time to time, while they were still in a state of sleeping. It was like always, like the days they had spent together after Christmas. Only different, better, but how could it be better when they weren't together? How could he feel so good, when he hadn't what he needed and wanted?

Somewhere in his mind there was the answer which calmed him down and holding Kurt, being hold by this beautiful boy may were the reasons why he felt so good. Maybe it was his still sleeping mind, keeping him far away from reality that made him feel so in peace, so good, despite the scratches and bruises. Yes, it was definitely this, because as his phone rang and dragged him back to reality he felt how much his head hurt. Blaine grumbled something, turning to the side so he could pick up his phone from the nightstand, while Kurt kept his arms around his naked body.

“Hello?”

“ _Blaine?”_

“Mom?”

His heart almost stopped as he heard her voice. It wasn't like he didn't talk to his parents, he did, to special days like Christmas or birthdays but never just like that.

“ _Blaine, honey, you're alright?”_

“Ye.. yeah. I'm fine. What... what happened?” He heard her voice, her worry, he heard a radio in the background and his father speaking. They were driving, driving somewhere... Cooper.

“ _We just came home and heard about the accident. We are on our way. Blaine, how is Cooper?”_

Everything went so fast through his head, the memories, the fight, the light and then the darkness. And then he remembered how they dragged Cooper out of the car because he couldn't, he was too weak. There was just blood, so much blood and Cooper wasn't moving at all. The ambulance, the hospital, it all ran through his mind like a fast movie, like short clips and only Kurt's hand on his chest, drawing circles, his lips against his temple calmed him down and he could breath evenly.

“He... he is... Mom, when are you hear?”

“ _In two hours.”_

“Okay...we'll... we'll meet there, in the hospital, okay?”

“ _Blaine...”_

“No, please... it's gonna be okay. Okay, Mom?”

“ _Okay... good. Take care honey.”_

“I will,” and with that he hung up and fell back into the pillow.

He rubbed his eyes, still felt the pain crawling through his body but it wasn't as bad as yesterday. But his mind was just a mess, such a mess it was hard to think straight. They were on their way, to Haston, because of Cooper, because of him. They knew about the accident which meant that Cooper gave their number if anything happened to him. After all these years Cooper still trusted them, kept their number and made sure, if something happened, if he ever were in danger, they would know it.

“Blaine?” the calming voice of Kurt spoke to him and he turned his head to the side, looking into those so blue eyes, seeing the worry and the calmness. Seeing everything he needed and wanted. Probably for longer than one day.

Forever.

“My parents are on their way to see Cooper and me. They'll be here in two hours.”

“Then we should stand up and make ourselves ready.”

Blaine blinked while he looked at Kurt, at his smile and became calm again. He said it, more than one time. It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be alright and with him Blaine had no doubt it would be okay. With Kurt, just at his side no matter if it was just as a friend. So leaned to Kurt, giving him a kiss on his lips and each time he when he kissed him, Blaine promised himself, this would be the last kiss. They weren't together anymore and the more kisses they shared, the harder it would become to let him go. But there was no regret, no, not now. Sleeping with Kurt was no fault, wanting him here was no fault, now it was right, now it was okay. Later, maybe, he could cry and regret it. Later he could feel this pain and cry.

“Thank you.”

“You think you can move?”

Blaine laughed – ouch it hurt – and rolled to Kurt, pressing his mouth against his shoulder, breathing in his scent, like old books and wind: “I think I can do that.”

* * *

 

His butt hurt, his arms hurt, his whole body hurt but it was bearable. Yesterday he felt worse, so much worse compared to today and having Kurt there, holding his hand, caring him around with an arm around his shoulder made the pain less. And like a mantra he repeated in his head; I'm alive, I'm alive. While Cooper... he didn't know a thing about Cooper.

They went to the hospital, asking at the reception where his brother was or if anything happened. But no, he was still in coma, still fighting, still not safe at all.

“Come. Sit down,” Kurt said as Blaine's face fell and he tried not to think the same thing again. Sure, he would blame himself forever for this, especially if Cooper would never wake up or even die. But now, like Kurt said, this wouldn't help anybody. His parents would be here soon, his lovely and sometimes cold mother, his strict and close minded father and if he would face them, broken, blaming himself, acting like the child he was all the years in their house, he wouldn't help anybody. Not himself nor Cooper. Because Cooper was right as he wanted to visit their parents. Cooper was right with getting things straight, with talking about things, with trying to be a family again. He was right, so right and now?

“I'm here. They won't hurt you.”

He felt Kurt's hand on his back, held Kurt's other hand and his forehead was leaning against his temple, letting him feel Kurt's presence, letting him know he wasn't alone. He wasn't sure if he should wait here or go to the doctor, ask him for something, anything that he knew about Cooper. The truth was, he was afraid and he wasn't sure if he could handle any bad news and then face his parents. Both scenarios scared him, both made him feel like this lost child he always was after Cooper left him and his usual habit was to run away. Far away, fast and drown his thoughts in alcohol. This was his past, his old self. The Blaine who never did something right. Never stood up for himself, never knew what he wanted or was too scared to try it.

But not anymore.

 

After an hour he saw his parents entering the hospital. Both ran inside, walking straight to the reception, their coats wet, their faces showing how worried they were and seeing them like this gave him hope. Maybe it was senseless, but it gave him hope. Eventually they were still his parents, the people who gave him life, raised him and were so kind before everything turned into a mess. Seeing his mother, her dark curly hair, how much he looked like her made him weak. And then there was his father, looking like his brother, but his face wasn't as soft as Coopers. He looked old, worried and sorry.

“Mom,” he said as he stood up and met his mothers eyes and his heart dropped.

“Blaine,” with hurried steps she went to him, both pulling each other into a tight hug and he began to cry again. She touched his hair, his neck, his shoulders and as she pulled back her eyes were wandering over his face.

“Honey, oh God,” she whispered as she saw the scratch on his cheek, his tired eyes: “Are you okay?” He sobbed, only nodding and then his father came, the man who yelled at him, who was so bad to his son but not now. All that was written in his face was the same worry, the same fear like in his mothers face. And before his father could say anything, before they could ask him anything Blaine broke, crying and saying how sorry he was. Not only for Cooper, not only for what happened, but for everything. Everything that he did, that happened. Just everything.

“Blaine, it's okay,” the big palm of his father was on his back, pulling his son to his chest and for some seconds, they just stood there, holding, crying and maybe... that was all he needed to do. Just to say the truth. Just saying how sorry he was.

 

While Blaine's parents were inside of Coopers room, talking with the doctor Blaine was waiting outside, pressed to Kurt's body who was holding him safe, stroking his hair and listening to his sobs. He held him close, not wanting to let go but he knew, as soon as his parents would come out he had to let Kurt go. It was nothing they agreed on with words, just one of those things they knew without saying anything. Everything was here, his parents, his mind which was telling him now was the time to begin with his new life. To face everything he used to run away from. And like Kurt, he needed to do this alone before he would hurt someone again or change his mind. Now he was ready, now he was sure about everything and the moment he told Kurt, that he loved him made him really understand, how important it was to step forward, to change his life. As soon as he was happy with himself, as soon as he found a ground he was proud to stand on, then, only then he wanted to be with Kurt. But still, it hurt to know soon they would separate. And this time he wouldn't do the same thing he did before.

Just now... he wanted some more seconds of this. Just some seconds more. More of this hand running through his hair, more of this heart beat he loved to hear, more of this beloved scent, Kurt's warmth. And he basically breathed it all in, everything so he wouldn't forget and have something that would help him to hold on.

“Okay,” he breathed and leaned back, looking at Kurt: “You should go. You gave me more than I hoped for.”

“I can stay, Blaine. It's not like I don't want to. I do all that because I want it and because you are important to me.”

“I know baby,” God, he would miss it to call him like that: “But we said, we need to figure everything out. Alone. And now, everything is here I just... need to take it.”

A long sigh fell from Kurt's lips and his elegant fingers stroked the back of Blaine's neck. He saw how his eyes became more blue, they always were like that when Kurt was about to cry or just sad. And then this smile, this weak but still warm smile on his beautiful face.

“Okay,” he said and they kissed, slow, deep, for the last time and making everything just more difficult. One last time Blaine's hands slip up and down Kurt's sides, one last time he felt his tongue dancing with his, one last time he leaned his forehead against his love and breathed against his lips: “I love you.”

“I know.”

“Take care, okay? And... I'll text you.”

Kurt only nodded, their hands letting off of each other and then he went, slowly, until Blaine only heard his footsteps walking down the stairs. Until he couldn't hear him anymore and only felt how his heart broke. Slowly, painful but it was worth it.

 

* * *

 

 

When Kurt entered his apartment, wet, exhausted and not able to think about, just feeling how empty he was he only wanted to sleep before reality hit him. He wanted to crawl under his blankets, hiding his head under the pillows and just sleep. Because that was it. It was over, done and all he could do now was wait. Waiting for the moment they would meet again, the moment when they both found themselves completely. But his mind was not working with his heart. It broke into many pieces because last night was beautiful, something he could look forward to, something he knew, maybe, he could get it back. Yeah, maybe, and if not he would regret this night, suffer because it would never ever be like this again. Eventually he loved him, he wanted him but sometimes life was a bitch and all Kurt could do was to learn how to deal with it.

“Hey,” he heard Rachel and looked up, saw her standing in the door frame of the kitchen with a small smile and a expression full of empathy.

She was real, so real, like everything else that just happened in the past hours. It hit him, hard and he swallowed, feeling the lump in his throat.

“He is fine. I guess things will be fine. I hope it.”

And then she just stepped closer, pulling Kurt into a hug and he broke.

Right now, nothing was fine.

 

During the next two weeks he found some kind of routine while he was on his spring break. He was writing his book, sending each new chapter to his reader and to Nathan and every third day he got an answer from both of them. Praises, advices and more important, distraction. He needed this distraction because each evening he got a text from Blaine. The first week he wrote him how he came out to his parents and how surprised he was, that they didn't freak out. Blaine wrote him how his father apologized for his behavior, how his mother always blamed herself for Blaine's behavior, how there were so many misunderstandings.

And Kurt wrote him to take it slow and that he was happy that things went fine so far. Like in Kurt's life.

The second week Cooper woke up. Blaine called Kurt immediately, crying over the phone, with a big smile on his face and told him, how Cooper called Blaine an idiot for acting like a child. Kurt laughed and said how happy he was that things went fine. They really did which left a bad taste in Kurt's mouth. Everything went fine, really everything, while they were not together. He was thinking about that maybe it was for their best not to get back together, like ever. Maybe the reason why all this happened was to find someone who opened their eyes and showed them, which way to go and gave each other the strength to go. He wondered if that was the reason why they met. Because sometimes, and Kurt wanted to believe that, you meet people in your life for a reason. Everything that happens has a reason, and their was probably to meet, fall in love, help each other but not being together. It hurt to think that.

 

The first day of his second semester was strange. He went to the train station, to his seat and Blaine's place was empty which was just another thing that made Kurt understand, how real it was what happened. They wouldn't meet here again, talk about things, laugh about things. He would laugh about Blaine's silly faces while he sang along to each song he heard and Blaine would grin, maybe apologize and then sit next to Kurt and hold his hand. No, it wasn't like that anymore.

Which is why Kurt decided to start his new semester differently. He began to really talk to his fellow students, spent his breaks with them, drinking coffee with them and talk about their classes. It was fine, but not the same. His coffee always tasted better with Blaine.

Since Cooper was still in the hospital and wouldn't come back any time soon even his classes made everything just more real. Cooper was a good teacher, he helped Kurt a lot because he knew about his book and sometimes, after their classes they talked for some minutes about it, or about Blaine. They were friends and Kurt realized just how much it meant to him. Now Cooper wasn't there and Blaine just some buildings away. But Kurt didn't go there. Like Blaine didn't look for him.

He had the messages he got each evening. Or so he thought.

That night he stayed awake until 2a.m. waiting for Blaine to tell him how his day went, waiting for any sign. But nothing. Silence, complete silence and he wasn't sure if this was a reason to be worried or not.

The only thing he could do now was to distract himself, with writing his book and his classes.

 

* * *

 

Almost two months later Kurt finished his last chapter, send the whole script to his reader and Nathan and felt, happy. Happy for the first time without Blaine. He didn't feel like this the first time he finished his book. He felt like he couldn't breath, like he used the wrong words and told the wrong things, although he knew how it was and how it felt what he wrote down. And as his reader called him the next day, telling him how proud he is and how good his new book is Kurt found even more evidence that it was right. So right. It was good.

Until he arrived at his university and saw Cooper. He was sitting on a bench, two cups of coffee in his hands and looking pale but he was alive, smiling weakly. Kurt didn't know about that. No one told him how Cooper was, when he could leave the hospital or if he would even come back this semester or ever. But it was good to see him, good to see his smile because it told him, not only that Cooper was fine but also that his little brother was okay. Right?

“Don't look at me like I'm a ghost. I'm pretty real, you know.”

“Sorry,” he smiled and stepped closer, taking the cup out of Coopers hand – with a thank you – and sitting down next to him like it was nothing special, like nothing happened. Just his usual life.

“I wasn't expecting you. No one told me when you can leave the hospital.”

“Well, the truth is I'm still at the hospital.”

Kurt blinked, one time, two times and then he shook his head.

“Is this some kind of a family thing? Acting like stubborn five-year-olds?”

Cooper laughed, hissed because he wasn't completely cured and looked at Kurt: “I was just tired laying there and eating their damn food and staring at the white ceiling. And I miss my students and people around me. So I thought I come here and surprise you. Don't think I don't know your schedule.”

Kurt smiled: “So your doing fine?”

“Yeah. I won't come back this semester, that's for sure. But I can't just lay there all day long. I mean some students visited me, that was really nice and awesome but it's not the same.”

Silence, Cooper leaned back and was staring at the trees, while students pass them by and just enjoying their coffee until he spoke again, because Kurt just couldn't.

“Blaine's doing fine. He is taking a break and went back to our parents.”

“Is he?”

“He didn't call you?”

“No. I haven't heard from him for almost two months now.”

“You know that, this doesn't mean he doesn't want you in his life. “

Kurt shook his head and smiled: “I know. We agreed on that, that we need some time alone and maybe we'll meet again and things will turn out good for us.”

Because Kurt thought they were meant to be, he really believed in that. If there was something like fate, or soul mates or whatever people want to call that, then they would meet again. For now they both went their own road, alone and no matter where Blaine would go, or Kurt, they both had to accept it.

“You know, I haven't seen Blaine for years and being with our parents was really, helpful. We are not fine again but we are on a good way and we talked a lot. They told me about Blaine, what happened with him after I left and he wasn't happy. He wasn't even happy when we met again. I mean you probably know what he went through.”

Oh yes, Kurt knew it.

“And seeing, how happy you make him, how happy he makes you tells me, things will be fine. I don't know when, and I bet he will do something stupid again, but I know it will be fine. Our parents support him, he gets comfortable with himself and I heard you are doing fine as well?”

And then Cooper's lips stretched into a wide smile.

“Do you actually stalk me?”, Kurt laughed.

“Maybe? But, no, I just have some good friends and actually love to hear about upcoming books.”

They laughed, because for now things were okay. Not what they hoped to be but it was okay.

“There is one thing I would like to ask you.”

“Sure,” Kurt said as he finished his coffee.

“There is still some stuff Blaine left in his old apartment and I wanted to go there and get the stuff back. But I don't trust myself for being a sane person when I meet his ex boyfriend.”

_Oh..._

Kurt remembered Blaine's ex. Remembered what he did and say to Blaine. Going there would not only be a challenge for Coopers sanity but also for his own. But like, he said it before, the Andersons seem to be stubborn five-year-old from time to time.

“When?”

“I guess around June. I can officially leave the hospital next week but I still need some rest.”

 

* * *

 

And June came, way too fast and with something Kurt didn't expect to happen. Not in a million years. He was sitting at his desk, writing an e-mail to Nathan about how thankful he was for his help and his honest opinion as his phone rang. He saw Coopers name, remembering how he told him about going to Blaine's old place and picking his stuff up. So he wasn't worried, not at all. Frankly, he found a way to deal with Blaine's silence.

“Yeah, Cooper?”

“ _Kurt! Do you know where Blaine is?”_

“No? Isn't he with your parents?”

“ _No. I was calling him like a thousand times but he doesn't pick up his damn phone. Shit, this idiot I will hit him. He is doing it again.”_

“Wait... you mean. He ran away?”

“ _I don't know. My parents don't know where he is and he obviously packed his stuff and just went.”_

Kurt swallowed, tried to be calm, tried not to think about some bad things Blaine could do. Like start drinking again, fooling around again, like throwing everything away and just giving up. No, it wasn't like that because it made absolutely no sense. He said he loved him, he said he was doing fine. He said he wouldn't lie anymore.

“ _Maybe he... do you think he is at his old apartment?”_

“I'm... not sure. Could be,” because Blaine was doing the right thing. Because Blaine wanted to figure stuff out, to solve all his problems and his ex was one of them. The memory of their first date – which turned out not to be a date at all – and how he basically ran out of the restaurant told Kurt, just, how much his ex boyfriend bothered him. How afraid Blaine still was and struggling with it. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't solved and imaging that he was probably there made sense.

“We should go there and be sure.”

“ _I'll pick you up in an hour.”_

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

He wasn't sure about how he felt. Kurt never went to Blaine's place, never saw his ex boyfriend and never knew how their life looked like. The things Blaine told him were enough to know, that this guy was no good guy. Forcing a person to come out, hitting a person, literally putting the person into a golden cage was just insane and he really tried to keep his sanity. It wouldn't help him or Cooper if he just started to yell at Blaine's ex.

“We should take Blaine's stuff with us. No matter if he is there or not.” Kurt said Cooper as they drove into the small town.

“Yeah, we should,” Cooper huffed and looked more like the Cooper he used to know. There were scars on his forehead and arms, reminder of what happened but he looked better. So much better.

“I hope I won't just beat the crap out of him.”

“I hope that too,” Kurt said and he really hoped that. He was never someone who liked to physically fight with someone and he didn't like to see it as well. He just wanted to make sure if Blaine was there and pick his stuff up, maybe say something sassy or how bad he was to Blaine but nothing more.

“There we are,” he said and parked next to some old buildings, looking like the ones in Linoi. It was a dark brown building, with four floors between some trees. Actually a nice place when Kurt ignored what happened behind those walls. They got out of the car, went inside, up the first floor and Cooper knocked against the first door on the left side. Kurt bit his lower lip, his ears on alarm, hoping he could hear voices, foot steps or anything. Hoping he could hear Blaine, something that sounded like Blaine but no one opened the door.

Cooper turned around, staring at Kurt with raised eyebrows until he turned back and tried to open the door. It worked.

“Whatever,” Cooper mumbled and went inside Kurt following him suit although they both knew, it was wrong. Inside they both found a mess, like someone actually threw everything around the apartment. There was broken glass on the floor in the kitchen. Clothes covering the corridor, doors open, the sun shining through the windows like some creepy light.

“What the hell happened here?” Cooper whispered and went to the room on the right side. Only one look inside and Kurt knew, this was probably Blaine's room. There were CD's on the floor, bed undone, closet open and clothes on the ground too. There was his bag he used to wear at their University and his desk was a mess. Like he was in a rush and took everything he could get.

“He was here,” Kurt breathed and walked inside, pass the desk to the window and then he heard a door falling shut. Cooper turned around, walking to the corridor but he saw no one.

“Maybe you can see something,” he waved at Kurt telling him he should look outside because from this window in Blaine's room he could actually see the pavement and their car. And...

“I see him. I see Blaine,” Kurt said and felt his heart beating like crazy. It was him, he would always notice Blaine. No matter if he had his curly hair or smoothed it with gel. He knew him, each inch of his body and so he stepped back from the window, wanting to go down, to stop him but another voice stopped him and Cooper.

“Who are you?”

“Cooper?” Kurt asked as he stepped out of the room and saw a person he never expected to meet here. Never, not ever. There he stood this guy he met probably two times – if his mind wasn't playing any tricks with him – and his mouth fell open. Green eyes, brown hair, tall and good looking, if his attitude wouldn't be bad he would actually look good. Andrew, the guy he met in the gaybar, the guy he met in the supermarket and each time he heard all these awful things coming out of his mouth. How he loved to have fun with other guys, although his boyfriend was at home. How he didn't care about his actions. How he had no one fucking problem with what he was doing. And now, knowing that he was cheating on Blaine, for months, now realizing that he was using Blaine, lying to Blaine, forcing him to so many painful things Kurt lost it. He completely lost it.

“You!” he yelled at him and Cooper turned around, eyes wide and hands up, as if he wanted to stop Kurt who was just standing there, staring at Andrew, furiously.

“I can't believe it!”

Andrew just blinked, quizzically until he noticed Kurt and his tired face lit up.

“What a small world it is, isn't?”

Cooper placed his hands on Kurt's shoulders, holding him back and Kurt was glad he did that. His blood was boiling, his hands shaking and everything hit him like lightning. Everything.

“Kurt, if I remember right? Now tell me you are the one who was screwing with Blaine. This is better than any soap I've seen.”

Kurt needed to calm down, he needed it but he couldn't. Just seeing his smirk, seeing how he didn't care at all about anything. Seeing this mess around them and knowing Blaine was here some minutes ago... he wasn't sure if he wanted to know what really happened. But he asked anyway.

“So what? You hit him again judging by the mess here.”

His smirk faded and his eyes became dark: “Actually your boyfriend made this mess.”

“Yeah, nice try. I know Blaine, unlike you and it wouldn't surprise me if you were the reason for this. What, did you tell him what you do? Fucking around and not caring about him for months? And walking saying how you have a boyfriend but you don't mind having some fun anywhere else? Did you tell Blaine that?”

Cooper breathed a _what_ , his grip loosening and Kurt bit his lower lip. He never felt so furious like right now. Blaine, lovely, charming Blaine who was so lost, so insecure and only wanted to do the right thing had been fooled by this asshole. He tried to be with him, felt like he owned him something, felt like he couldn't do anything to disappoint his ex boyfriend because he helped him out of his misery. Why were people so cruel? How could someone do this to Blaine?

“It's none of your business. Frankly who cares? He is gone, it's done and it doesn't matter anymore. He won't come out, he will forever be this little, scared boy. Maybe he will even drink again and lay under some fucking bridge with pathetic people like he is.”

Kurt lost it, completely and only because Cooper held him back he didn't just run into Andrew and beat the crap out of him. He was burning, his breath was fast and his mind screamed at him to hurt this person. But it wouldn't change a thing, it wouldn't make things undone. Nothing.

“You are pathetic! You were lying all the damn time! You were using him like he meant nothing to you! And I bet, the one time you came here, saying someone beat you for being gay was probably a lie too.”

“Oh, so, you know Blaine was cheating on you? Well, maybe he learned something from me in the end.”

He wanted to hurt him. He wanted it so bad.

“Come, Kurt. We just take Blaine's stuff and get out of here,” Cooper dragged him back into Blaine's room and Kurt decided it was better to listen to him.

“Ignore him, get Blaine's stuff and that's it. You see what an idiot he is. Words are useless.”

Cooper took Blaine's suitcase out from under his bed, threw the clothes, which were left in the closet inside the suitcase while Kurt took Blaine's other stuff. Books, CD's – everything was laying on the floor – he picked them up, still shaking with anger, still not over what he just found out and Cooper looked at him, just to make safe Kurt wouldn't change his mind and actually go back and start a fight again. As soon as they were ready Cooper took the suitcase and Kurt Blaine's leather bag. Cooper went first, Kurt following him and finding Andrew sitting in the mess of a kitchen, exchanging a look with him and of course, he couldn't shut his filthy mouth.

“Tell me, Kurt, did you enjoy it? From what I know he isn't really good when it comes to sex.”

Oh? No, he didn't really just say that?

“You are fucking insane. You are pathetic. You treat people like shit. Blaine gave you all, he only wanted to be the right one, to do the right thing and you just fuck around and didn't care.”

“You seem to know me pretty well, huh?”

Kurt took a deep breath, wanted to yell again, wanted to step inside and slap this stupid smirk out of his face. Oh he was about to walk, he was about to do that but Cooper held him back with a nice, fuck yourself to Andrew and both left.

 

* * *

 

They drove around Verno, looking for Blaine, calling him but they couldn't find him, he didn't pick up their calls and Kurt groaned. What the fuck did just happen there? Where did Blaine go? Why wasn't he picking up his calls? He was going crazy because he was worried and Cooper tried to calm him down but Kurt saw it, he felt the same way. After two hours they gave up and Cooper drove Kurt back home. They said their good byes, agreed that, as soon as they hear something from Blaine to call the other one and with that Kurt went back inside his apartment. He was annoyed by everything and glad that Rachel wasn't at home. He took his shoes off, went to his room and pulled out his phone again. Nothing, no message, no call, nothing.

 

June, 4th

 

5:45p.m. Kurt:

_You idiot, call me!_

 

7:13p.m. Kurt:

_I hate you._

 

12:27a.m. Kurt:

_No I don't but.. call me._

 

June, 5th

 

7:02a.m. Kurt:

_Don't ignore me._

 

11:19a.m. Kurt:

_I have to tell you something. Maybe you already know it but I need to hear you._

 

June, 7th

 

3:14p.m. Kurt:

_Where are you?_

 

5:33p.m. Kurt:

_Blaine, please. I'm getting angry._

 

5:45p.m. Kurt:

_I'm worried._

 

June, 8th

 

2:30p.m. Kurt:

_Blaine, this isn't funny._

 

4:04p.m. Kurt:

_If you don't want to talk to me call Cooper. Just, let us know you are okay._

 

June, 10th

 

1:05a.m. Kurt:

_I miss you..._

 

1:45a.m. Kurt:

_I really miss you, Blaine..._

 

3:07a.m. Kurt:

_Please..._

 

But he never got an answer, no call, nothing and as he tried to call him again, there was no signal, there was no waiting. _This number is not available for call return_ ; And Kurt shoved his phone under his pillow, while his eyes began to hurt.

 

* * *

 

It was his last day at University. Summer break was so close, exams all done and he got a lot of e-mails with positive feedback about his book. His reader was very proud, Rachel, his dad, everyone and soon people could buy it and read it. He would be one of those young authors, able to write a story down, to tell something people can compare themselves to, no matter who they are because it was not only about a gay kid, finding himself, it was about a boy, struggling with the things life threw in his way but never giving up. He wrote it down with his heart, he wrote it down with his whole being, the way he thought he was doing it for the first time. This time it was like he wanted it to be.

But he wasn't as happy as he thought he would be.

He said his good byes to his friends and left the campus, taking the bus to the town where he was supposed to meet with Cooper. There meeting was spontaneous and it made Kurt kind of nervous. Maybe he knew something about Blaine, but, if that was the case Cooper had called him or wrote it in his message. So he guessed he only wanted to meet Kurt because of his book. Because Cooper was obsessed with upcoming books, with literature in general.

Therefore it was no surprise as he entered the cafe, saw Coopers wide smile and heard his congrats and got a tight hug from him.

“I've already read it, it's awesome. Really.”

“Thanks,” Kurt said as he sat down and Cooper ordered two mugs of coffee as the waitress came.

“You still keep your pen name?”

“Yeah, I think it's better for now. I mean this won't be a bestseller, but it's the beginning to find some ground in this business. I told my reader and also the publisher that I want to finish my studies before I start to be a full time author.”

“Saving the money for the future, right? I mean you won't become a millionaire but still, you get enough to live without being worried for the next... let me guess, three years?”

“Wow, pretty optimistic, aren't we?” Kurt laughed and thanked the waitress as she set their coffee down.

“That, and I know it will be good. People will love it. I'm serious, it's really good. A good start for you.”

He saw how proud Cooper was, he knew how proud any other was and his heart grew with warmth and gratefulness. Still, it didn't feel right. Something was missing, he knew what but he wouldn't say it out loud and ruin everything.

“There is also something else. I've got a letter from Blaine, this morning.”

Kurt froze in his movement and he wanted to put some sugar into his coffee. This was a sign, a sign from Blaine being alive, that he didn't forget them. Sure he was worried, his mind went through all possibilities what the hell happened to him or what he was doing. But knowing now, that he was out there, somewhere made his worries a bit less. But only a bit.

“Not only me. Also my parents got one.”

“That's... good.”

He tried, he really tried to not look like it bothered him. But it did, so much. Not hearing from Blaine since May, no message, no call, although he said he loved him, although he made it clear how much he wanted Kurt hurt so bad that Kurt hoped Cooper couldn't see it in his face. Blaine was alive, he got in touch with his family and Kurt wished he could be happy about it. Just about that.

“I... see. I'm sorry, you know my brother can be an idiot.”

“It's fine. Tell me, how is he?”

“He didn't write much. He only wrote that he is figuring things out and that we shouldn't be worried. We don't know where he is, only that he has a job and a safe place to live. Basically he is taking a break from everything.”

“And that's it?” Kurt wasn't really surprised how less Blaine told them. He wanted to be alone, he needed to be alone before someone would take his hand again and deciding for him what was good for him and what not. But breaking up contact completely with each person Blaine knew was not what Kurt thought about. He wanted to know where Blaine was, how things were going, everything. But Blaine didn't.

“That's it. I tried to call him but his phone is off. However, I think there is no need to worry. Blaine knows, whatever happens he can come to me, to our parents or to you and Blaine will come back. It's just a matter of time.”

 

* * *

Time. Waiting. Hoping. It was painful to think about that and also that he didn't wrote Kurt a letter, or a message, or gave him a god damn call. Why Cooper? Why his family? But not him? Fuck, Kurt knew why, he knew it but it didn't take the pain away. No, it made things worse. He remembered just everything and it was so, so vivid. The mornings when Blaine woke up, eyes, small still sleepy but shining, gold and his long eyelashes made him look so beautiful that it took Kurt breath away. His hair, soft, curls sticking out in each direction, skin tan and so smooth. His lazy smile when their eyes met. Then, when they drank their morning coffee together and Blaine would always choke on it because it was too hot and some drops would fall down on his pajama pants. During the day when Kurt was working at his laptop and Blaine played his guitar silently in the background. Them, laying together just to be close and do nothing but feel each other. Them talking about everything and nothing.

Did he forget all of that? Weren't those things important anymore? All these little things? Or was it just too painful and he really wanted to step back from all these memories?

It hurt like shit to think about that.

 

Back home he let his bag slip from his shoulders, got out of his shoes and the silence made it clear that Rachel wasn't there. On one side it was good but on the other side he needed some distraction or maybe sleep. Rubbing his forehead he went to the kitchen and found the a large envelope on the table. There was only his name written, no sender. His blue eyes stuck on the white paper, reading his name over and over again and without opening it he knew who sent him this. He knew this handwriting and he wasn't sure if he should be happy or not. Actually he felt sorry for his own thoughts at that moment. Shaking hands were reaching out and he felt the weight of it. There was something inside, something that's too heavy for a simple letter. A deep breath and then he went to his room, closing the door and taking sitting down on his bed. It took him seconds, felt a lot longer until he opened it and found a CD-cover. It was simple, just a white cover with his name on it. Once again he looked inside the envelope but there was nothing else. No letter, nothing.

A deep sigh fell from his lips and then he opened the CD and found something else written on the other side of the white cover and a folded piece of paper. Without caring about the cover or the CD inside he unfolded the paper and read the few words.

 

_Those are songs I wanted to sing to you. Those are songs expressing very clearly how I feel and felt. Although the end is still unclear. But I know, you'll understand what I try to say. Like you always do._

 

Kurt swallowed, unsure how he felt about those words, how he should feel. It was all just there and so confusing. His eyes moved to the cover again and reading the three sentences.

 

_The beginning: The first time I saw you. (watch?v=TdIni7f01_Q)_

 

_The middle: How I felt to be with you. (watch?v=HD0vcAwHN7s)_

 

_ The end?: All I want is you. _

Slowly he stood up, took his laptop from the desk and sat down again, making himself comfortable and pulling out the CD of the cover. He thought about nothing, he was just happy to hear anything from Blaine and that he wasn't less important than his family. It might have been selfish to think that but he wanted to be someone important to Blaine and he said it, he loved Kurt and Kurt... he loved him. As soon as the CD was inside he started his player on the laptop, waiting for a video, but no, there were just three audio tracks.

Just to calm him down he rubbed his face, his temples and then he clicked play, not knowing what to expect to hear. Guitar, Blaine's guitar and only that was all he could hear for the first few seconds. Once again it wasn't a happy sound, Blaine never played songs that were really happy but this, like he wrote it down, was about the time for the first time they met and how they got to know each other.

_Ooooh._

_Love of mine,_  
Won't you lay by my side,   
And rest your weary eyes,   
Before we're out of time,   
Give me one last kiss,   
For soon, such distance,   
Will stretch between our lips,   
Now the day's losing light.

Hearing Blaine's voice, hearing him singing after such a long time did things to Kurt he never felt before. There was this longing after Blaine, knowing how he sounded and felt and now hearing him singing, imganing how he could sit here and play his guitar and sing next to him... it made his body heavy, his heart and he just lay down, watching the screen of his laptop. Music was always the one thing Blaine really held on to. When he sang he was smiling, he was happy and sometimes it was enough to deal with his life. Kurt knew it, but he never said it, because no person wants to know that people see their sadness. Kurt didn't see it at first sight. He saw it later.

_Ooooh._

_Bring me your love, tonight.  
Bring me your love, tonight._

_Lost at sea,_  
My heart beat is growing weak,   
Hoping you'd hear my plea,   
And come save my life, 

He took his phone, staring at his own reflection on the black screen and unsure what he wanted to do with it. He wouldn't reach Blaine, he wouldn't answer his messages. But he wanted to tell him that he understood the words. He understood in which nightmare Blaine was living before they were together. How he held a hand of a guy who stopped loving him before Blaine did.

 _As the storm grew fierce,_  
An angel was certainly near,   
I knew there was nothing to fear.

Blaine called him an angel one evening when they were drunk, because there was too much wine in their veins. He said to Kurt that he felt safe with him. That he felt home.

 _Bring me your love, tonight._  
Bring me your love, tonight.   
No I am not where I belong,   
Bring me your love, tonight.

 

No, Blaine didn't belong to his past, or Andrew or wherever all those people where who wanted to make him to someone he didn't want to be.

 _No I am not where I belong,_  
So shine a light and guide me home.   
No I am not where I belong,   
So shine a light, guide me back home.

_Ooooh_

The song ended, his fingers rubbing his eyes and his breath a bit uneasy. If this song did those things to him, what would the other one do? The one about the middle of their story? Would he actually cry and feel the pain all over again? Did he really want to know Blaine's thoughts? Of course, he needed to hear him, each bit he could get from him he needed it. Who knew when he would get something from Blaine again. Who knew if he ever would get something again.

“You idiot...” he murmured and started the second song. Again he heard Blaine's guitar, imagining his fingers playing the strings like it was something natural for him.

 _What if I can't be all that you need me to be?_  
We've got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep.  
But my diction, it can be such a detriment.  
Please believe in this my dear, I am more than penitent.  
  
“Oh God... you idiot,” Kurt groaned and his heart ached.

 _What if everything's just the way that it will be?_  
Could it be that I am meant to cause you all this grief?  
My warship's a-lying off the coast of your delicate heart,   
And my aim is steady and true as it's been right from the start.  
  
His eyes were burning, his hand pressed against his chest, right above his aching heart and he turned to his side, facing the laptop and still holding his phone in the other hand. He never gave Kurt grief, he never were a burden. He was everything he wanted. It was stupid, so stupid to break up with him while Blaine was fighting, only fighting, like Kurt. It was just so stupid to break up, walk alone without someone to lean on. Someone you love. Someone you wanted to wake up to, who made you laugh, who made you feel alive again and just the person you wanted to be.

 

 _There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me.  
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.  
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall  
Stare into the past, and forget it all... _  
  
_So when we leave it'll be a quick midnight escape._  
We'll disconnect ourselves from all of yesterday.  
I'll dig for water and fashion our very own wishing well.  
Then, we'll throw our coins down hoping to rid us of this little hell.  
  
He wished they had done that, just forget everything, threw it all away and start together again. He wished, they had talked about it, then just made a straight line and moved on, together, hand in hand and find themselves together. But forgetting wasn't good and running away either-way. Once you run away and don't face what is bothering you it could turn into something worse, like a shadow following you through your life. It was good to do that, facing stuff, but it wasn't good that they broke up.

 _There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me._  
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.  
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall  
Stare into the past, and forget it all...   
  
Blaine's voice cracked up. He was crying, like Kurt.

 _Will we get out of this little hell?_  
Will we get out of this little hell?  
Will we get out of this little hell?  
Will we get out of this little hell? 

He unlocked his phone, chose Blaine's number and called him while he wiped his tears away, while he tried to calm down and ignoring the pain. This whole inside his heart was too big, too cold and too much to handle. He needed to fill it with the person he needed to fill it. He needed him, so much he wished Blaine never sent him this CD. He wished, at this moment, that he just wouldn't here anything from him without seeing him. It was too much, just too much.

_This number is not available for call return..._

“Blaine... you idiot,” he cried and tried it again, not hearing the third song because there was no way he could handle it. Who knew what he would hear, who knew what Blaine was thinking about their future. Who knew what the words behind this song, behind the meaning _'All I want is you'_ would do to him. No, there was no way he could handle it today. Again, he called him, and again...

_This number is not available for call return..._


	22. Chapter 22

 

**From: Nathan Mall**

**To: Damien Talon**

_Congratulation to your book. I knew it and many others too, it's a success. It's a small step, of course but now you have some ground in this business!_

_Nathan_

 

**To: Nathan Mall**

**From: Damien Talon**

_Thank you, Nathan. It's really incredible for me. Now I can enjoy my summer break. And thank you for your hard work. You have no idea how much you helped me._

_Damien_

 

**From: Nathan Mall**

**To: Damien Talon**

_Well, you helped me too. Enjoy your summer break!_

 

* * *

Enjoying his summer break would have been awesome. But Kurt didn't. In front of Rachel he was wearing a mask, when he went to his father for three weeks he was wearing a mask and also when he met his friends from university. No one asked, no one wondered and perhaps it was working. Or they just said nothing, like his dad, who knew Kurt better than anyone, because they didn't want to hurt him and open old wounds. Fine, if this was the case he was grateful for that. His dad mainly said how proud he was about Kurt's book, about how he changed and they had a really good time together. Rachel gave him enough distraction after Kurt got the CD and cried for three days straight. They went to bars, theater and there was still his study stuff. It took him a month to really feel okay again. Okay was good, not perfect, but it was better than crying all day long. He promised to move on and so he did. Which didn't mean that he could be as happy as he wanted to be because things were just fine.

Kurt was working on a new story or, at least, he tried to. There were ideas about something like a fantasy story, or about a crime story. He had notes, many notes but nothing felt right or like something he could work on. So he kept his notes on his wall and since he decided to finish his studies, and then work as a full time author there was enough time to find something he could write about. With the time he slowly found a way to deal with this break up, eventually he had no other choice. The CD was the only thing he got from Blaine, the last sign he had from him and this also meant for Cooper and his parents. They all accepted that he wanted a break, time alone and trusted him that he was doing the right things and not fall back into his old habits. Kurt trusted Blaine, believed that he wouldn't do anything stupid and took each distraction he could get. Because, if there was something like fate or anything of this spiritual stuff true, they would meet again.

There was only this hole in his heart that he couldn't fill with something. It felt like the way he missed his mother with the difference, his mother was dead, she wouldn't come back and she wasn't somewhere out there like Blaine. Kurt knew there was no way he could change this. Blaine was out there and Kurt could look for him, he could just go out and start to find him. He could, but he would never do that.

June was over, July came, then August and September was there. Somehow the time pasted by fast but it felt more like a blurry dream. He went to parties, he did a lot of things together with the people around him. Whenever someone knocked against their door he thought it was Blaine. There was hope, his heart felt like it would become one again. Eventually, it wasn't Blaine and he felt empty again. So empty.

It was September when he really decided to stop acting like it was the end of the world. Blaine would have been angry with him if he could have seen Kurt. Like the Kurt he met almost one year ago. The Kurt with no smile on his face, who felt like a failure, who felt misunderstood in so many ways. But he wasn't acting like that, not really. He only missed Blaine, he wanted to tell him about his book, that he wrote the book Blaine once read, that he truly understood him from the beginning. He wanted to tell him this so bad, soon, preferably now. It just wasn't the time and Kurt wanted to move on, be happy about his new book, be happy about that he found a way out of his misery and then, one day, they would meet again.

And there were two things he needed to do so he could really move on.

 

* * *

“I think I'll ask Nathan if we could meet,” Kurt decided one September morning when he and Rachel drank their first coffee.

“Yes?” she smiled.

“Yeah. I mean he helped me a lot and I want to thank him... personally.”

She smiled around her mug, Kurt frowned and then sighed: “I'm just moving on. It doesn't mean anything.”

“I didn't say anything. I know you miss him and I know about your feelings. Anyway, doing this is still a good idea. Do you know what he looks like?”

Kurt shook his head: “No. I think, I don't want to know that before we actually meet. I don't want to hear his voice or see his face. Just... I want to meet him like... you know, how you usually meet people. In the train, in a bar, school.”

“But what if he is some old guy? You know all those stories they say when you meet people from the internet.”

He rolled his eyes, although she had a point: “I doubt that he is an old, creepy man who wants to get into my pants.”

“But you don't know for sure.”

“If I remember right it was actually you, who told me I should meet him.”

“Kurt, I'm joking. I think he is alright, okay?”

Of course he was alright, Kurt thought. He maybe never saw Nathan, or never heard him, but the messages they've shared just told him, that he was a young man, a bit lost but also doing fine now. They helped each other too and Nathan helped Kurt more than he knew. He was sure about that so it was just fair to thank him, like really, and show him, who he really is. It was just fair and a good step to move on. He wouldn't think about Blaine, he could talk about his book, about their life and just be friends. Yeah, it sounded perfect in his head.

 

* * *

September, 15th

 

**To: Nathan Mall**

**From: Damien Talon**

_Hello Nathan,_

_I've been thinking and... this maybe sounds like some crazy idea... or out of the blue, but I would really like to meet you. I owe you so much and I think it's just fair when we can meet and I can thank you, personally, for what you gave me. So, maybe, I don't know. I don't know where you live but maybe we can meet before October? If you want to._

 

_Damien_

* * *

 

September, 17th

**From: Nathan Mall**

**To: Damien Talon**

_Hello Damien,_

_I was thinking about that too, to be honest. Because of the same reasons, because I want to thank you, personally. And soon I start to study so I'll be pretty busy after September. I'm actually moving to Haston next week. Maybe, we could meet there? Is it far away from you?_

 

**To: Nathan Mall**

**From: Damien Talon**

_I'll be in Haston at the end of September because my reader lives there and we have a meeting. What a coincidence. But I have some conditions. I don't want us to share a pic, or call each other until we meet. I want you to meet like you usually meet people. Without being biased or something. I mean, I am biased at some point but I think you understand what I try to say._

 

* * *

_September, 18_ _th_

**From: Nathan Mall**

**To: Damien Talon**

**_ Yeah, I think that would be awesome. Sounds like in one of those romantic movies. Not that I have any ulterior motives, I just... I think that would be great. I'll leave you my number here so we can text each other because I won't be at my computer for the next week. _ **

 

**To: Nathan Mall**

**From: Damien Talon**

_ Good, that's a good idea. _

* * *

  
_ All this made Kurt kind of nervous. He never met any other guy or showed any kind of interest to other guys – although he went to the gay bar from time to time – because his heart was somewhere else and didn't want to let go. Like he ever wanted to let Blaine go completely. He couldn't, he never would. Moving on, that was what he wanted to do. Just moving on, be happy and confident when he'll meet Blaine again. Like they'd promised. And even if his meeting with Nathan would turn out into something else, good or bad, then it should be that way. But before he could meet him, before he could really accept how things where, there was only one thing left he needed to do and it felt like, this was the last thing that really kept him close to Blaine. His CD, the last song he never heard because he was so scared about, what Blaine thought about their future. What would the words do to him? Would it make everything worse again? Throw him back to were he was when he got Blaine's CD? Or maybe, it wasn't a good bye song. Maybe it was something else, like a song about how he misses him and at the end he would hear him speaking? Perhaps there was a message at the end to him? Kurt was sitting on his bed, his laptop in his lap and staring at the third track. To breath became hard, his heart had an unhealthy pace but he needed to do this. Even if it meant there was nothing more left that kept him close to Blaine, after hearing the song.  _

_ But Kurt couldn't. He just couldn't listen to the song. Not yet. _

* * *

 

_ The day when Kurt wanted to meet Nathan he decided to be careful. Just in case everything would turn out into something bad, like, if he really was an old creepy guy. That's why, after he met his reader he went to Coopers place and asked him, if he could be around, just in case. They sat together in Coopers living room and he was smirking at Kurt for a while now. He looked good, like the accident never happened. There were some scars who would remember them what happened that day, but Cooper was fine and that was important.  _

_“ Where do you want to meet him again?”_

_“ Starbucks, near the train station. The one in the side street.”_

_“ Okay, and, I'm happy you are doing this. I think it's good if you just try to move on like... you know, meeting people, maybe dating.”_

_“ It's not a date, Cooper. And this has nothing to do with Blaine.”_

_“ Yeah, sure,” sarcasm and then he was serious again, but smiling: “Everything has to do with Blaine, Kurt. Same as everything has to do with you in Blaine's life. And it always will, until you meet again. Which doesn't mean that you are not allowed to have some fun.”_

_ Cooper was right, of course. Kurt was single, he was free to do whatever he wanted to do and this also meant for Blaine. If it only felt like the end, which wasn't the case, maybe then he had done such things like dating or anything, maybe. He felt the need to do that, or was attracted to any guy and because Cooper mentioned it, he wondered if Blaine met someone. If he looked for some distraction, someone to be close because sometimes people just need to be close to someone without being a couple. Sometimes it was enough to spent a night with someone and feel wanted and thinking about that, that Blaine maybe used this time with doing something like this made Kurt sick. Sharing Blaine was something he could never deal with, but also if Blaine did something like that it only meant that he was moving on. More than Kurt.  _

_“ Whoa, Kurt, don't think too much,” Cooper blurted out as he saw Kurt's strained face: “I'm just saying, okay? It doesn't mean anything.”_

_“ Maybe you are right,” he felt uncomfortable and wrapped his arms around himself, like he tried not to break: “Maybe he is doing exactly that. Moving on and I should do that too.”_

_“ Kurt,” Cooper sighed, rubbing his neck: “I don't know what Blaine is doing or where he is. Yeah, maybe he is doing that, but it doesn't mean, that he doesn't love you. He does, really. And you too.”_

_ Oh, and how much he loved him. So much that he wished it would just go away for a while because it was too much. And then, again he never wanted to feel any other way for Blaine. Spending those months together, becoming this what they were although both thought it was the last thing they needed, turned into the one thing they never wanted to lose. All the roads his heart went and the roads his mind went were different and sometimes it felt like something cut him down. Believing that things would turn out good for them, no matter what he decided to do or what would happen was everything that was left.  _

_“ Just, meet this Nathan guy, have a nice time and see what will happen, okay? And I'll be there, keeping an eye on you.”_

_“ You think it's okay to just go for it? I mean, what if I meet someone, we get together and then Blaine will be back? I couldn't just leave this person.”_

_“ Kurt, don't think that much. You'll hurt your head.”_

_ He thought a lot in the past weeks, too much for sure. It was totally unhealthy to think this much about what would Blaine think if he did this and that. That was no life and moving on, while he put more and more stones on his road made it impossible.  _

_“ I don't want to sound like a dad or some wise guy, because I'm not. I only know that it will be fine. I know you both and that you are meant to be. It just needs time.”_

_ Impatience felt like something that shouldn't exist. _

* * *

__

_ It was raining, dark clouds covering the night sky and raindrops running down the glass of the bus window. He didn't feel nervous anymore. More tired, exhausted and still empty. His mind went strange paths, back to when he was a kid, when his mother died and he only had his dad. Than his high school years, when he understood he was gay, his friends, the bullies and how he began to write everything down that he couldn't say out loud. Sometimes he wrote pages down, sometimes only some sentences and he remembered his ex boyfriend – jeez he couldn't even remember his name – and how he fell in love, or thought he loved him. Perhaps, thinking about it now and how things changed, his ex was only something he wanted to have because he wanted to have someone who understood him and gave him what no friend, no mom or dad could give him. Comfort, a boyfriend, just the normal things any other person got. And then, without any indication he left Kurt. It seemed to be so easy for him, just so easy it almost broke Kurt, again. And then he began to write, night and day, writing this story, writing everything down just to let it out. Missing his mother, beginning to dislike a lot of things, especially music and then, he failed although he thought he did a good job. Expect the fact that he wrote it down without his heart. His heart which was just so tired, so cold and exhausted. Accepting his failure, or he thought so, he moved out, together with Rachel to Linoi and began his studies. Things were calm, but everything was just so cold, so gray and then he met Blaine. This ridiculous adorable guy who almost drove Kurt insane with his love for music. No matter when they met, by accident or not, there was always music around him, a smile on his face and a big warm heart he wanted to give Kurt. And he did, first as a friend, than as a boyfriend, until he became his love. Blaine, who lived a life in a golden cage and only outside he could do what he loved to do. There were so many things, terrible things they went through and let them go. Expect each other.  _

_ He shook his head, pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket and chose the last song from Blaine. It was time to let this go, just let Blaine go and wait.  _

_ (watch?v=KfL6UFKNuxY) _

_ First there was silence, then the low sound of Blaine's guitar, first calming, until he heard his voice – which he haven't heard for months – the words and then how his heart and breath pumped this huge, at some point, painful feeling through his body. _

_All I want is nothing more_  
to hear you knocking at my door   
'cause if i could see your face once more   
I could die as a happy man I'm sure 

  
_When you said your last goodbye_  
I died a little bit inside   
I lay in tears in bed all night   
alone without you by my side

  
Those words, Kurt thought, they said everything he felt in the last months. A knocking on the door and he thought it was Blaine, the nights he missed him and began to cry, the desperate wish to see him for one last time and that he was okay, but knowing he would stop him from going. Life wasn't fair, it never was. The paths people went in their life were sometimes good, sometimes bad but they meant something for sure. There was a reason why he moved to Linoi, why he met Cooper, why he met Blaine and fell in love with him. If the reason was to go through so much pain, he had to go through it. If the reason for going this road meant, that he would be happy in the end, he hoped this road would end soon. Because now, hearing Blaine singing this and knowing he just felt the same way Kurt did hurt so bad he couldn't stop his tears from falling.  
  
 _But If you loved me_  
why did you leave me   
take my body   
take my body 

It made sense, the moment, both decided to break up. It was like giving himself the room he needed to think, to find the strength so he could be there for Blaine and support him with all he was. Now he couldn't remember why it made so much sense. Moving on alone and leaving what he loved the most? Where was the sense in that? How could he be so cold, so strict and just let Blaine's hand go although he needed it so much and knew, just how much Blaine needed him?

  
 _All I want is_  
all I need is   
to find somebody   
to find somebody 

_like you_

  
He wiped his tears away, taking a deep breath to calm down and then stood up as his bus stopped at the station and went outside. The cold rain cooled his cheeks, his eyes and he stayed there for some seconds. Meeting Nathan with red eyes, puffy cheeks was no good idea. So he waited and walked under canopy of the bus stop, while the song was still playing in his ears.

_Oooohhhh ohhh_

Kurt 6:53p.m.:

_I'm here._

 

Nathan 6:53p.m.:

_Me too. I'm sitting on the bench before Starbucks._

 

Kurt 6:54p.m.:

_Okay, I'll be right there._

 

One last breath, again rubbing his eyes and hoping he didn't look like he just cried Kurt went. Whatever would happen, whatever Nathan looked like or how much they come along, no one would ever replace Blaine. They'll meet as friends, they meet to say thank you for what they did for each other and after that they both would just see what will happen. Cooper was right, Rachel was right, his dad... if they were meant to be they would be together again. Maybe next month, maybe in a year but they would.

For now all Kurt had to do was to live, become a better person and just moving on and never break the promise they both made.

He walked down the pavement, looked to the left and right, making sure there was no car or bus coming and crossed the street. His blue eyes looked up, his hands moved to his ears and as he wanted to take his headphones out he stood still, watching the figure sitting on the bench.

  
 _'cause you brought out the best of me_  
a part of me I'd never seen   
you took my soul wiped it clean   
our love was made for movie screens   
  
Time stood still, his body abruptly stopped his movement, his throat became thick and his eyes were still focused on the guy with the beard. Eyes tired, curls covering his forehead but his clothes were clean, familiar and then his honey eyes looked at him, going wide. An old memory crossed his mind, but it was too blurry to say what it was. Kurt just stood there, still hearing the song and watching how Blaine stood up, surprised, unsure and confused like Kurt was. He saw it, Blaine's face was like an open book for him and he wanted to move, move to Blaine and just throw his arms around him and feel him, feel that this was real. However, his feed couldn't move and so he stood there, the rain falling down and Blaine was the one who came closer, shoving his hands into the pocket of his brown jacket and then he stood still, enough space between them and still watching Kurt eyes.

 

 _But If you loved me_  
why did you leave me   
take my body   
take my body   
all I want is   
all I need is   
to find somebody   
  
He took his headphones off, saw a small smile on Blaine's lips and then he realized, this was real, this was no dream. They both were here, standing in the rain and didn't know what to do or what to say. Or what to feel. There was so much running through Kurt's mind, through his body and at some point he felt like he reached the end of this hurtful road. He found what he wanted, not knowing he would find it here, today. He felt all of this, but he didn't notice it yet.

“So... Damien, huh?”

Oh God, his voice... hearing his voice while he stood in front of him, while he was real, present and smiling made Kurt smile. What else should he do? His mind was a mess, his heart was out of control and a small nod followed, while his tongue just didn't want to move.

“Still want some coffee?”

Kurt nodded again.

“Great... then, let's go,” he answered, smiling, made on step backwards and waited until Kurt was able to move his feet.   
  
_If you loved me_  
why did you leave me   
take my body   
take my body   
all I want is   
all I need is   
to find somebody   
to find somebody   
like you

* * *

 

“What happened to you? You look like a caveman,” Kurt asked after minutes of silence, just staring at their coffee and when trusted his voice again. It was awkward, it was strange and when he remembered how he would meet Blaine again, he never thought it would be like this. He thought Blaine would call him, write him or anything to prepare Kurt, to prepare himself. Not just, meeting like this although he thought he would meet someone else. A guy who helped him, a guy who knew about...

_Shit._

“If I had known, I would meet you, I wouldn't look like this,” Blaine chuckled and let his fingers run over his beard: “I just moved on. Like you.”

His blue eyes went up, seeing the golden eyes, the warm smile and somewhere, behind this caveman was Blaine and something else.

“Congratulations, Kurt,” he stopped breathing as he heard his name and, God, how much he missed to hear Blaine saying his name.

“You.. you are not angry?”

“That you didn't tell me about your book, although you knew I read it? No. Of course not. I understand it.”

This was strange. Telling Blaine about all of this was one of those things he regretted, that he didn't tell him while they were together. Now he realized Blaine knew it all the time, even if he thought it wasn't Kurt but someone else. Which made it somehow worse for him. It was written all over his face how much it bothered him.

“What happened at Andrew's place? And where have you been?,” Kurt breathed out before Blaine could say anything else.

His smile faded as he leaned back and his finger was drawing circles on the table, absently. Seconds passed, the rain was still falling and then he began to speak.

“When... Cooper woke up and they told us he would be okay again, a lot of things changed between us. They changed into good. I told my parents everything, Cooper and we slowly became a family again. It was good, one less burden for me but... I didn't feel like... what I hoped I would feel, you know? I went to my parents place, hoping I would find it there, where it all began, what I needed to move on. Well... I was wrong. So I decided to... to face the things that were still hunting me and went to Andrew's place.”

Kurt wrapped his fingers around his mug, watching Blaine while he sighed and spoke on.

“First we said nothing, I just took my stuff and wanted to leave but then he began to tell me, how I owed him myself and that I should be grateful for his empathy and that he loved me and shit. I told him I don't believe him and... that I don't want to see him ever again and at some point we began to yell at each other,” his eyes moved down, staring at his coffee: “He called me names and stuff and then he told me, that I was like him, a cheater.”

Blaine scoffed: “He was cheating on me for months. I bet, even the one time as he came home, saying someone beat him for being gay he just had some rough sex. I mean, I know him and his... you know.”

Kurt made a disgusted face and then they both chuckled. Some months ago they wouldn't just laugh about that. And it was only possible because he knew what Blaine wanted to say about his ex and I had no doubt about that he was some crazy guy with some crazy kinks.

“And we began to fight, throwing things around and then you and Cooper came and I just went. After that, I took the next train to the next town and was looking for a job, slept in hotels and soon I found a nice music bar I was playing at and just, figured everything out. It was good, you know. I didn't lie about who I am, told them that I was gay and just, did what I love. I started all over again and now... I'm back, ready for my studies and my new life.”

Kurt smiled, warm, bright and he was truly happy for him. He was doing fine, even without him and with this happiness came also hurt. Those almost 4 months were a long time, enough time to change and maybe Blaine changed so much, that, what he told Kurt with his CD wasn't what he wanted anymore. He said he did what he loves. Music and boys, right?

“Kurt, look, I'm sorry that I just went away and didn't call you. But without...”

“It's okay, Blaine,” Kurt interrupted him because he didn't want to hear what he already knew: “Things are fine. We both moved on and we are doing fine. I mean, you know about my book and how things went, so you know I'm actually doing fine too.”

“It's pretty amazing, Kurt. Really. I knew you would make it.”

They looked at each other, a small smile on their faces and then Kurt breathed a thank you and again silence. So, that was it? Both knew the other one was fine? Both would meet at their university and just move on as friends? Thinking about that made it hard to breath and so Kurt emptied his mug and stood up.

“I should go. You know I need almost an hour back home.”

“Kurt...” Blaine began but Kurt just smiled and put his black jacket on. He needed to go, he wanted to lay down on his bed and just sleep and not think about anything.

One last smile and he left the building, walking a few steps through the cold rain until he heard another foot steps, heard Blaine calling his name and how the pain grew bigger and bigger... and he felt how scared he was. So scared that he felt cold and wanted to run away. He couldn't have Blaine, right? Everything was said, right? Wishing for a bit luck, for just one time that everything could be the way he wanted it to be was too much to ask for, right?

“Hey! Kurt!”

And Kurt stood still, feeling the rain falling on his head and shoulders, seeing the streetlights in the puddles and then he was turning around and watching Blaine first running, then walking until he stood right next to him.

“Wait, okay? I mean, I know I've been an idiot but I still have to tell you some things.”

“Like what, Blaine?” he blinked as the raindrops began to make it hard to see something. Their hair was wet, his curls stuck on his forehead, his beard was glistening and his damn puppy eyes watched him like, he didn't understand what Kurt said.

“You said you are doing fine. I'm doing fine, we both moved on and that's it, right? Everything is just fine.”

“Well, that was the whole point in doing this. Otherwise I wouldn't be here.”

“See? So there is nothing left to say, right?”

“Kurt, you...”

Kurt turned around and began to walk again, quickly and not wanting to hear anything else. It was fine. Blaine said it, things were just fine so where was the point in staying and making things more difficult? He thought he would meet Nathan, a guy he could be friends with and forget his pain for one second. He thought his mind would find some peace.

“Whoa, hey!” Blaine ran after him, grabbed his arm and placed himself in front of Kurt, so he couldn't go: “Why are you so upset? We said we want to figure things out, alone and I'm sorry that I didn't call you, didn't let you know who I really was. But you did the same thing, Kurt. You hid yourself too.”

“That's not what makes me upset. I'm not upset.”

“Then... what is it? I thought, this was the right thing, you wanted this and now I'm here and...”

“I'm hurt, Blaine,” Kurt blurted it out and he was breathing slightly faster, without really noticing it. God, he needed to say it, just let it out before he really would explode: “I felt and still feel it. Not because you were cheating. Not because you where gone. Because you just didn't let me know how you were doing. Or if you were alive. Because you sent me this CD and it was like, hearing your voice, but you weren't there, it was like a torture for me. You changed your number, made sure I couldn't reach you and...” he sighed in despair, shaking his head and trying not to yell at him: “Now you are back, saying about how things are fine, how you changed and making it even worse for me.”

Oh it hurt, so bad, so deep that he needed all his strength not to start crying in front of Blaine. He didn't want any pity or any words who made everything even more painful. Things were fine, they said it and now it was time to move on, again. Not together like they used to, just different together. Like friends.

“Okay, wow. This is crazy.”

“What?” And now Kurt felt anger as he saw Blaine's confused expression. His hand let go off Kurt's arm, his eyes met his again and then he spoke, in a sharp voice as if also he was angry about something.

“Okay, firstly, don't you think this means something? That we knew each other before we actually got to know each other in real life? And now, we meet again although we both had no clue?”

“Coincidence.”

“Coincidence? Seriously? This is fate, Kurt. Yeah, the world is a village, I know that, but don't you think it's fate? It's actually the third time our paths cross. Remember the first time? When our life was more a mess than the second time we met?”

“The... first time?” And this blurry memory came back as he looked at Blaine. He remembered that day, it was hot, he was wearing those terrible clothes and was not the Kurt Hummel he used to be. The one with a good sense of fashion, confident and proud of who he was. He was the lost Kurt, asking a guy, he thought he was homeless and smelled like a bar after the bus he needed to take. He remembered his tired face, his eyes, his voice which was almost too quiet. It was Blaine he met that day.

“I was dreaming about that, dreaming about you, about my past and then it hit me. And then while we took the train and now again? You can't deny it that this is not fate.”

“Maybe,” he began, trying to get his thoughts straight and looking down.

“And secondly, you weren't the only one, Kurt. It wasn't easy for me too. It hurt, so bad. My heart felt like there is this huge hole and nothing could fill it. But we promised to move on and meet again.”

“Then... what does it mean? You said you changed, I changed.”

Was he wrong? Was he just over thinking again? They changed, their life changed but his feelings didn't change a bit. No, they grew even bigger and all he could do was to ignore them, to hide them and pretend like they weren't there. That was his way to move on, to accept how things were and now... now he was just confused. He felt like, the moment he saw Blaine, that someone pushed him into ice cold water.

“You got my CD? You heard the songs?”

“Yes.”

“You heard the end?”

Kurt nodded and Blaine smiled, taking Kurt's hands into his, holding them gently and feeling just how they both were trembling because of their stupid hearts. Despite that, whenever Blaine touched him he felt this firework inside of him, he felt like there was no one else on this world but them, it also felt right. How it should be, where he belonged, where he would always go back.

“All I want is you, only you,” he felt how Blaine's thumbs were running over is knuckles: “Because I will never find someone like you. And... just because my life changed, I changed, doesn't mean that my feelings have changed... for you.”

_Mine too._

He wanted to say it, out loud, say what he haven't said yet. However, all Kurt did is nodding. Blaine smiled, wide and happy and this beard just looked so ridiculous Kurt had to chuckled and sighed, his shoulders falling, his body relaxed.

“You need to shave. You really look like caveman.”

Blaine laughed.

“Still want to go home?”

Again, he was nodding and he wanted nothing more then finally go home. Like in the past months he only wanted this and so he held Blaine's hand, entwined their fingers and there were no words needed to tell what Kurt meant with _'home'_.

 

* * *

Blaine's apartment was small Kurt thought as he walked through the small corridor to find himself in the living room. White walls, dark floor and the living room and the kitchen where one room. On the left side, next to the kitchen was a door to the bathroom the other one (on the right side) Blaine's bedroom. It was enough for one person and cozy being here. Everything was just so Blaine. An old dark brown couch in the middle of the room, his guitar next to a bookshelf, a small TV and pictures of Blaine and his family on the right side of the living room. Just Blaine, or what he thought Blaine's apartment would look like.

“I'll be right back, make yourself comfortable,” he smiled at Kurt and sneaked to the bathroom.

The whole way to his apartment both said nothing. They just held hands, silently and probably enjoying the moment they never had in the past. Walking hand in hand down the street, without worrying who might see them, who could find out Blaine was gay. Just acting like any other couple. _Couple..._

Kurt took his jacket off, his shoes and sat down on the couch, waiting for Blaine who came back, shaved, looking like the boy he fell in love with and gave Kurt a wide smile.

“Want something to drink?”

“No, thank you.”

Blaine's smile almost faded, dropping his head and went to Kurt, sitting down and making sure there was enough space between them. No, that wasn't right in Kurt's head. They shouldn't sit so far away, acting like they never had something. Acting like it couldn't be like it was before and Kurt knew, it wasn't up to Blaine to make this clear. It was up to him to break these walls, to show him he still felt the same way for him too. But it was so hard for him.

“Did you meet anyone? You know like... dating?” eventually he asked.

“Kurt... I told you that nothing changed, right? Or wasn't I clear enough?” he said it with a voice that Kurt could clearly hear it hurt Blaine what he asked him.

“No, Blaine. I understood you I just... I want to be sure.”

“Sure about what? My feelings? That I didn't cheat?”

He saw the hurt in Blaine's eyes and, God no, he wasn't talking about that.

“I know you aren't a cheater Blaine. Just... God, just answer my question.”

 

* * *

Blaine leaned back, watching Kurt's blue eyes and seeing the worry? Was he really worried that he had someone else, while they were apart? Of course he met some guys and some flirted with him, but he always said, no thanks. Not only because he loved Kurt more than anything, also because he wanted to be alone and he would lie if he said it was easy. It wasn't easy to spent the nights alone without Kurt close to him, far away from him. His eyes dropped to his hands, watching his fingers fumbling.

“I didn't. How could I? When I told you, I love you I meant it and this never changed.”

“Then why didn't you answer my messages or my calls?” Kurt asked, voice shaking and as Blaine looked back to him he saw how the walls Kurt kept around him, since the moment they met again began to fall. Those beautiful eyes were watery, his face smooth but sad and his body so weak he thought Kurt would just slump down on the floor. Blaine moved closer, placing his hand on Kurt's shoulder, feeling his own eyes beginning to burn, felt how the tears wanted to come up and fall down. He never meant to hurt Kurt so much with what he did. The idea of just being away, no calls, no messages sounded good at the moment he decided it to do. He wanted to make it easier for both of them.

“I thought it would be better this way. And... I never got your messages I changed my number the day I left Andrew's place.”

Kurt sniffled, trying to keep back the tears, trying to wear a straight face but his lips were trembling, his eyes already turning red.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“You hurt me with what you did.”

His throat was tight, the guilt he felt almost unbearable and with his shaking hand he caressed Kurt's cheek.

“I know. I'm sorry.”

Kurt looked him right in the eye, bit his lower lip, fighting with his tears, his words and then, after a while just looking at Blaine, holding his hands he moved closer, leaning his forehead against Blaine's and taking a deep, shaking breath.

“I love you,” Kurt whispered and closed his eyes.

A shiver went down Blaine's spine, his eyes fell shut and he breathed in, similar to Kurt and felt dizzy. Hearing those words, finally, felt much more better, sounded much more better than he ever imagined. He was never angry or disappointed that Kurt never said it back. Eventually he did it now. Honest, clear like he knew it for a long time and probably he felt like this for a long time but kept them back.

“I love you too, baby.”

“It was stupid to break up,” sobbing he slid his shaking arms around Blaine's shoulder while he kissed his cheek. God, his skin felt better as in his memory. Smooth, warm and familiar.

“It hurt so much,” he whispered against Blaine's neck as they held each close, Blaine kissed his shoulder, breathing in his scent, holding him close, finally feeling him again.

“I know. I know, Kurt.”

Kurt leaned back, holding Blaine's face and finally their lips found each other. First they were insecure, then gentle and as both remembered just how good it felt to kiss the other one Blaine slung his arms around Kurt's bode and pulled him on top of him while he leaned back on the couch. Parting his mouth he let Kurt's tongue inside, hummed happily and let his hands run up and down Kurt's side, remembering this familiar body again, capturing his face, wiping the tears away and then the taller boy pulled back, with a happy noise and looked into Blaine's eyes. There were tears too and he only noticed it as Kurt wiped them away.

“You are an idiot,” Kurt sniffed and Blaine laughed.

“So are you,” Blaine chuckled.

“Don't ever leave me like this again.”

“If you don't want me to leave I won't.”

“Good,” he sighed, nuzzling against Blaine's neck and holding him close, leaving no space between their bodies: “And I'm sorry... too.”

“It's alright now. I'm here, you are here.”

He would never leave again. Not as long as life would always bring him back to Kurt and probably it would, always. Because Kurt was his home and he was his and no matter what life would bring to him, as long as his last station at the evening was, being in Kurt's arms he knew, everything would be fine.

 


	23. Epilogue

Kurt sat in their kitchen, mouth open and staring at Rachel like she was speaking in a language he didn't understand.

“What do you mean by, you are moving to New York?”

“Kurt, it's easier for me since I'll be a singer.”

“And what about the rent? I need to live here for two more years, you know that. I can't pay the rent alone.”

He stared at her in disbelief and with wide eyes. She never told him about New York, she never said one single word about it and Kurt was sure she knew it for a while. She sighed, her eyes apologetically and pouting like a child.

“Don't make this face, we are no children anymore.”

“Kurt, don't be mad. We both knew this could happen.”

He huffed, stood up and went to the bathroom, checking his hair and his clothes. Being angry about something was the last thing he needed today. This evening supposed to be beautiful, calm and his first real date – finally – with Blaine.

“We talk about this later. I don't want to be upset right now.”

He fixed his hair for the third time, ran his hands down on his dark blue shirt and dark pants. It was okay, he thought, it looks good. This would probably never change, he always wanted to look good when he met Blaine and he felt better for himself.

“I guess you won't be back tonight?” she smirked at him as Kurt left the bathroom and put his tongue out while she laughed: “Now you are the child of us.”

Before he could say anything else he heard the knocking against the door and Rachel smirked even wider: “I'll open it! It's about time to meet your boyfriend finally.”

He sighed and followed her hearing how she greeted Blaine with a high voice, like she just saw the cutest puppy on this planet. He heard something about a bouquet and yeah, it wouldn't surprise him if Blaine actually bought her flowers. Eventually they were dating for a while and he never met her and she was still one of his closest friends.

“Oh my God, Kurt wasn't lying when he said you are cute!”

With this Kurt wanted to just disappear or turn into thin air. Cheeks pink and lips pressed into a thin line he walked to the front door and saw Blaine, wearing his white bow tie, a dark red cardigan, a black shirt and jeans and he was smirking at Kurt. Oh well, this evening began really great.

“You told her I'm cute?” Blaine said with excitement and if he really were a puppy he would wag his tail like crazy.

“Thanks, Rachel,” he mumbled and their smirks grew even wider.

“I think you are cute too,” perhaps Blaine felt how uncomfortable it made Kurt that he knew what Kurt was saying about him when Blaine wasn't around, so he went to him, his arms slung around his waist and giving him a peck on his lips. Of course, he wouldn't kiss him like he always did with Rachel here. But it was a good thing, a new good thing. Some months ago Kurt never ever imagined Blaine kissing him in front of another person who didn't know about him being gay.

“Hey you.”

Kurt only smiled and blushed again and then Rachel cleared her throat and went pass them.

“I leave you two alone now. Have a nice evening.”

 

* * *

 

Blaine lent Coopers car and drove them to the restaurant the visited back on Valentines day and although Kurt wasn't worried about meeting Andrew again, or about anything that could interrupt their date he was quiet still thinking about his new problem. He wasn't afraid of living alone but looking for a new flat, then moving out at the same time during his third semester would be a really stressful time and he didn't want to skip classes. But he also couldn't stay in their apartment because of the rent, which was too high to pay alone.

“Everything's okay?” Blaine asked him and of course he felt how tense Kurt was.

“Not really. But I don't want to ruin our date tonight.”

“Kurt, you won't ruin it because you have something to complain about or some worries. If it's about me or us, tell me. You want to go anywhere else?”

He looked at Blaine, saw his insecure look and gave him a reassuring smile. Although they were back together, happy, trusting each other and closer there was still something between them. It was like a small wall between them, keeping each of them in a save place because both knew what happened in the past and what it did to them. Sometimes they called each other, just to make sure the other one would pic up the phone – mainly Kurt did that – and here the other one was alive and not somewhere else or just gone. Sometimes one of them woke up because of a nightmare and especially when they were apart it felt like a little torture. Maybe it was crazy, immature or whatever people would call that, but both knew they needed time to really get used to this and to understand things were fine now. Or as fine as possible because there was still some stuff left to figure out.

“It's not about you or us. It's Rachel. She'll move to New York and I can't stay in our apartment because of the rent.”

“Too high for you alone to pay?”

“Yeah,” Kurt answered and Blaine drove on the park lot and turned the engine off as he found a place to park.

“So, I guess, you haven't figured it out yet?” his boyfriend asked and looked at Kurt with curious eyes.

“No. She told me about it before you came. I can't stop her from moving out because it's about her career, obviously.”

Blaine was still looking at him like he thought Kurt would just stand up and leave and he tried to find a way to stop him. Or at least it looked for Kurt like that.

“Hey, I won't leave you. I still have two years to study.”

And then his boyfriend smiled and they climbed out of the car and walked to the entrance. No, Kurt wouldn't stop his studies here. He liked his University and Cooper as his teacher in most of his classes and more important Blaine was here and would stay here for at least three years. So no, he wouldn't go. He would look for a new apartment, something less expensive, smaller and even if he would miss some classes he could just repeat the semester and stay a bit longer here. Which was a good thing when he thought about that Blaine would study longer than Kurt anyway.

“Kurt?” Blaine said an took his hand before he opened the door to the restaurant. The taller boy turned around and saw the big eyes of his boyfriend, saw the expression like he just figured something out which was bothering him for a while.

“Yeah?”

“We could move together.”

“What?” Kurt blurted out, stood still and forgot for one second what they wanted to do. Moving together? With Blaine? His heart was pounding fast and pictures of him and Blaine in their own apartment ran through his head. Them watching some movies, cooking together while Blaine thought it was a good idea to mess around instead of cooking, of them waking up together, sharing the bathroom, all this domestic, silly, beautiful stuff ran through his head. And yes, it was wonderful but just so surreal when he reminded himself how long they knew each other and how long they were back together – two weeks.

“I know it's maybe... too soon. But I think it would be good for us. I mean we call each other each day, we are basically always together if there is nothing that keeps as at our place. And I live alone, Rachel will move out and it would be easier for me to move to your place. I mean, my dad pays my rent anyway and he would help me if I decide to move out. And I still have some stuff that isn't even there yet.”

He felt Blaine's hand trembling, he heard his rush voice and it was adorable to see him like this. But he was right. It would be easier for Blaine to move out, to come to his place and make their relationship somehow easier.

“We could spend more time together, get to know each other better and faster and I mean, of course it could turn out bad but... I love you and I want to be with you and... I think this would be good. It won't be easy but it will be worth it and I will even sleep in a hotel room when we fight or go to Cooper or...”

“Blaine,” Kurt interrupted him as he was just babbling.

“Yes?” he breathed and his eyes were still wide, hopeful, a bit unsure and his body completely stiff.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Blaine asked and tilt his head to the side.

“I love you too and I think we should try it. It's not like I have a better idea.” Honestly, the more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea of them living together. Sure, there were thousand of things that could go wrong, but knowing Blaine would always come back to him, wait for him and got to sleep and wake up with him. It was like a dream.

“Really!?”

Kurt nodded laughing and Blaine pulled him into a tight hug, so tight that it almost hurt. He returned the hug until Blaine framed his face with his hands and shared the long, deep kiss Kurt missed since Blaine picked him up.

“We are moving together,” Blaine breathed against his lips, foreheads touching and the cold October wind was forgotten because this here was so warm that Kurt considered they could skip the restaurant and go straight to Blaine's place.

“We are. Crazy, hm?”

“Maybe. But I love you for being crazy. Especially about me.”

“Mmmh,” Kurt hummed amused and kissed him: “Love you too.”


End file.
